"If you need more love from me. I'll give you more. Just let me know"

My last blog post was four months ago. It ended with the words "just me, myself, and I". You all know me well enough to know that's not how it was. I did not spend the last four months focusing on myself and eliminating men from my life. I spent the last four months living, breathing, and falling for men. Tall ones, short ones, athletic ones, rich ones, and Trey Songz. Always, always Trey Songz. His place in my heart is one thing that will never change. Well, time to get to the point. In 2014, I fell in love on the internet. Well sort of. The internet on my phone. I know exactly what you're thinking, catfish. There is some truth to that thought. Before I continue, you should know that I secretly believe that I was the first catfish. The year was 2007. I was at a Christmas party. We made reindeer out of sugar cookies, m&ms, and pretzels, watched elf, and were bored. Like all little girls, our mind went right to prank calling. A friend of mine at the time was dating a boy who had a cousin. He was the perfect target. We called him and he spoke to a girl names Angela. She was 13, nerdy, and in love with Country music. All of it was true with the exception of the picture that he got of Angela. He got a little white blond girl instead of the beautiful black woman I was then and still am. We talked for quite awhile. Not every day but on and off for about two years. We were too young to actually meet so there was no problem. One day, I told him who I really was and sent him a link to my facebook. We never spoke again. I don't know if it was because I wasn't a cute blond girl or if it had to do with the fact I lied. We didn't work out. I didn't want to. It was a cruel joke. Eventually, catfishing became a sensation and everyone knows what it is. Mhissy changed the world. If you haven't seen that episode, you haven't lived.


Anyways, who would have thought that seven years later I would find myself in a similar situation. Tinder got popular. Everyone I worked with was talking about it and telling stories of all the really cool matches they had. I was totally against it. Online dating was for people who couldn't get anyone in real life. It took like months for me to realize that I was one of those people who couldn't get anyone in real life. Not because I was unattractive, boring, etc. I've always had plenty of interested people, but they were never right. They weren't educated enough, they weren't nice, they were a high std risks, only wanted to hookup, we didn't connect etc. The list goes on and on. So I got a tinder with the intention of getting my confidence boosted. I was extremely selective and and it made me feel great to match with every single person I wanted. It was one big "she still got it" moment. I talked to a guy on there pretty consistently through the month of June, but he had an almost ex wife and it was messy. It ended just as soon as it started. That turned me off to Tinder completely, but I still got on for the occasional confidence boost. I was mean and never spoke back to the people who talked to me. I wasn't trying anymore. Then I matched with this guy, lets call him...Dave. Dave was cute. His pictures displayed a smile and a slight twinkle in his eye. I knew he was short, but for some reason I swiped right anyways. He spoke to me, and for some reason I spoke back. It was clear that he's an intellectual. I told him about how I believe in the law of attraction, and he didn't get weirded out. He read an article about it and knew exactly what I was talking about. So he gave me his number, and I didn't text him. I wasn't trying to meet anyone remember? He didn't forget about me. He asked why I didn't text him. I was caught off guard, but that's the shit I like. Being called out, persistence. I like those things.

So we talked and I texted him. He didn't have time to finish our very first conversation. I thought nothing of it since I was shopping with my grandma and adorable baby cousin (she's 12, but she's still my baby). I had no idea that this was the beginning of a whole six months of him being too busy for me. But lets not ruin the fairytale yet. Him & I spoke, and I still wasn't taking it very seriously. I was tired of wasting my time. So I decided to scare him away. I told him about how I wanted a double staircase, to retire at 40, and have no less than four fabulous children. Each child would have their own room and I will afford them. I have a vision and that vision scares people. But not Dave. He was pretty freaked out about the whole four babies thing and the fact that I'm legal but young. All of these thing should have lead him to never talk to me again. To make matters worse I sent him a letter. Through the mail. Anyone else would have ran for the woods as soon as they read "Dear...". But Dave has that persistent personality that I find so attractive. He did just that. Persevered. Now it's not a complete fairytale. He had this girl best friend he spends all his time with and makes time for every day. She gets all the time I don't. He gets on tinder still. Probably in hopes of finding someone that isn't young and wants one or two children like a normal person. We don't talk about these things, but I know. It is what it is. But I liked that he wasn't intimidated by my goals. He told me that he was done hooking up with randoms and was ready to build something. He said that work and his immediate family would never be enough for him and he wanted to fall in love. Call me stupid, but I thought he was saying all this cause he wanted to fall in love with me.

The entire six months, he never seriously asked me out. By serious, I mean "Lets meet at the olive garden on 6th and Monteray at exactly 6 pm on August 31st". Never like that. He used to talk about hanging out, but I said no because I hadn't fallen for him yet. It took time for me to want to. Now I really want to, but he doesn't. I told him I liked him, and I really meant it but it freaked him out. I know I'm not the crazy one. It's okay to have feelings after five months. That's not crazy. But it is crazy to "like" someone that you've never met. I see where he's coming from on that one. Since I made that big proclamation, things haven't really been the same. He doesn't like talking to me as much anymore, and I no longer just say what I think with no fear of scaring him. Now I worry about saying the right thing and doing things that will make him want to keep talking to me for longer than ten min. I really started liking Dave. But the reality is Dave is extremely busy. He's a superhero at this office and gets to wear really hot suits every day Christian Grey style. I understand busy. I'm in pharmacy school. I have something to do every night and work a lot. But if I were to fall for someone while in pharmacy school, I would make time for them. There are nights, and weekends. People who like each other are content with five min together. Just being. That's what I want. But I don't think I can get that out of this. These last 48 hours we were both free of work, school, or anything. What I wanted more than anything was to spend the time together. I was willing to catch the flu for a couple hours of the mans time. But he didn't want to. He may never want to. I've accepted it. Were there lessons learned? Yes. I can be completely crazy, daydream-ish, vain and insecure at the same time, devastating, talkative, excitable, and all the other things that make me, me. All of those things are likeable, and I don't regret revealing those things about myself for a second. That is real growth. So if we never meet and the last six months were just wonderful conversation, then I got that. Growth. And that's a beautiful thing.

Song of the day: Let Me Know by Tamar Braxton & Future

Quote of the day : "Most people are awaiting Virtual Reality; I'm awaiting virtuous reality" -Elill g