"Time Makes You Bolder/Children Get Older & I'm Getting Older Too"

A mickey house watch is the key to success. Do you have one? I had one. My mother got it for me. When I was little and learning to tell time, my parents always got me watches. My parents are lovers of Swatches. Those are swiss watches that display beauty in the simpelist of ways. I never liked swatches. The bands were either too boring or too babyish. It was a grey band or one with different kind of monkeys on it. I didn't even enjoy animals as a child. I got my mickey mouse probably around the second grade. It had a red leather band, gold trim, and inside was mickey. As a twenty first century kid, I didn't wear it much. It was easier to tell time on the digital microwave or a computer screen. But today after hearing words of wisdom from the young and the old, I remembered my mickey mouse watch and wondered if it played a part in making me the person I am today.

It was graduation sunday at church today. The preacher focused on the graduates and preached on the paths that they will take and used verses that speak of inspiration and new beginnings. He then allowed the audience to share what they wish they would have known when they were 18, and to give tips of wisdom for the graduates. Four people mentioned the importance of a mickey mouse watch. Some said it had to do with looking down at it and always remembering it's okay to be goofy and have a little fun. Some talked about how it was super expensive in their day and since it was the invention of their generation it will always have a special place in their heart. I couldn't help but notice that the people with the mickey mouse watches were all the most successful people in the church. The paster joked about how this Mickey Mouse watch thing was starting to sound cult-like, but it really made me wonder. I finished my first year of college with a 4.0 gpa. I've had nothing but A's my entire year. Yes, I worked really hard that whole time, but maybe my mickey mouse watch played a little part in that success. I may not believe in the tooth fairy or magic tricks anymore, but I think they're on to something with this Mickey Mouse watch thing.

One word of advice that really stuck out to me was a woman who got up and said something along the lines of "my advice to you is to enjoy where you are right now. I remember when I was eighteen I couldn't wait to be 21, then I couldn't wait to get a boyfriend, then I couldn't wait to be engaged, then I couldn't wait to be married etc. " She said she wishes she could have enjoyed the different phases of her life instead of always wanting to be somewhere else in her life. I have that symptom. For some reason, i've always thought the best part of your life would be 30. When you've hopefully achieved a degree, found a stable job of your dreams, fell in love, and started a family. Kim Kardashian is the one that taught me it doesn't always happen that way. When she turned 30 she went all out trying to get the fairytale she dreamed of with Kris Humphries, but the number didn't make it magical and give her what she was looking for.

Justin biebers line in That Power also comes to mind, "I'm alive..I'm alive..I'm alive.../and i'm loving every second, minute, hour, bigger, better, stronger power". Yes, I realize it's not the most beautiful line ever written in music, but it's another example of enjoying the now. Every single second is a blessing, and it should be spent enjoying yourself. So instead of daydreaming about whatever phase in next in your life, take some time to contemplate all that it is now and what it could be. I've learned that chasing things never makes them easier to grasp. When you let go and let life lead you, nothing but good will come. And the true secret is, it's better then whatever you had thought it could be. Plus, a mickey mouse watch helps.

Song of the day : That Power - Justin Bieber and Will.I.am

Quote of the day : “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” - Eleanor Rosevelt

Would you cry if you saw me crying, would you save my soul, tonight?

My father is the one who taught me and personified the saying "Actions speak louder then words". He didn't say it in english, but very few of you speak kiswahili, so we'll leave it at that. I spent my entire life watching him help people. When someone's car stops in the middle of the road, he would always drag us over to see what we could do. One time we were on a walk, so we offered to walk home and get our gas tank that we use for the mower. A police officer stopped to ask if the woman was ok shortly after and offered us a ride back to our house so we could get the tank faster. He thanked us for our kindness, and it was truly rewarding. That's the person he is. He's the one who helps people and is there for people even when it's not the easiest thing to do. I've learned from him and done my best to be a person I'm proud of. I have a gossipy mouth and am not extremely pleasent when I'm angry, but no one's perfect. What i've learned from my attempts at kindness is that not everyone is as kind to you.

There are people who are ever present when they need you in their lives and need your support. The minute after you've helped them change their tire or babysat their child while they do something, you will never hear from them again. Another huge thing my dad taught me is to never do something nice with the intension of getting something back. That defeats the entire purpose of what you're doing. I struggle with that part. I have people in my life that I feel like I'm always trying with. I'm always the one to call them or come up with a way to hang out. I go out of my way on their birthdays, graduations, and will probably do so at their weddings and baby showers. I commend some for being there for me and always being there for my big dilemmas and little ones. This rant to be isn't about you. It's the ones who never seem to be as active in the friendship as you are. Yes, I understand that everyone has a mountain of homework all the time, work, and every other stress of life you could think of. I have those issues of my own, but when it comes to maintaining a friendship and being there when I'm needed I feel like I try a lot harder then certain other individuals in my life.

I feel like the time has come to revaluate my relationships with some people. If I always have to be the one to contact them first or invite them to hang out, are they really my friends? They must make time for the other things that they do and other people they talk to. Should I bring it up with them? Would it be rude of me? Is this part of making my action speak louder then world? Continuing to be there for people who are not always there for me seems to be doing something I can be proud of without anything in return like my father taught me. Is it wrong that I hope one day they'll realize and appreciate my support. I definitely don't want to end up like the girl on 27 dresses. The bridesmaid that devotes her life to help friends and lets her own needs slip in the process. I will not text those that don't text me anymore. Those days are over. When they need me though, I will be there, because that's the person my father taught me to be. If you live in Oklahoma, I will probably check on you even if you're nowhere near where the tornado hit. The people who called me to show concern just because their a state below me are the ones that I cherish, and I will never stop trying to be that person for someone else. So if you have a grandma that always calls you to check on you or a friend who's always the first to see if you're okay after a break up, take some time to appreciate them. Don't just thank them in words but show them that what you've done means something to them.

Song of the day : Hero by Enrique Iglasias

This song kind of asks the questions I was asking myself.

Would you cry
If you saw me crying?
And would you save my soul, tonight?
Quote of the day:

"Love starts within. You must love yourself first before you can give it away to others." 

Songs of the Summer : "That's just how we love; We keep it so hood"

So it's the summer and summer is nothing without a playlist. I am honestly not int touch at all with which songs are in. I can tell you all the K-Love hits, but the other songs pretty much have to come to me. Haven't been up to date on 95.7 lately. These are the songs that have been the soundtrack to my life lately though. They're the perfect way to usher in the summer.

1. I Like It by Sevyn : Most of you have probably never heard of Sevyn. She actually came and opened for T.I.'s opener at sprint center and is really good. She looks up to Aaliyah, and you can tell she kind of hopes to be the next her. She's bringing R&B back the way I love it, so check it out.

2.  Loveeee Song by Rihanna & Future : I love Future. I didn't know anything about him until he also opened for T.I. Then I realized that he sang all the club hits like At the same damn Time and such. The romantic side of him is so much more. His voice is not auto-tuned like so many people think. He really sounds like that. He has this laid back Jamaican vibe. Ciara is a lucky girl.

Memorable lyrics : "I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I need love and affection. L-o-v-e-e-e-e and affection.

3. Girls Love Beyonce by Drake : Everything Drake ever does is good. He is the love of my life. The song is a mash up with Say My Name by Destiny's Child. I loved that song before, and I love it even more now.

Memorable Lyrics: "All my young boys saying get money and f*** these hoes. Where'd we get these values? I do not no what to tell you. I'm just trying to find a reason not to go out every evening..." and No new friends no no no.

4. Dudes Love Jay Z by that one youtube girl : I have a nack for finding new talent. I was one of the many who heard Justin Bieber sing first on youtube. I love what the girl did with the cover, and it was almost a reply to Drake and everything he called out girls for doing. Check it out : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BJ8GNgnElM

Memorable Lyrics : "I don't need no dude that's perfect, I need a dude that's worth it."
                               " They say they don't love hoes, but they do only God Knows"


5. Neva End by Future & Kelly Rowland : *inset second post about my love for future here*

6. Mirrors by Justin Timberlake : J.T. is back with a vengeance. I always had nothing but love for this man, but this song pushed the love I have over the edge. The slow claps never fail to make me smile.

7. Come and Get It by Selena Gomez : The Indian Vibe blows me away every single time. Shout out to my lab group member for telling me about it.

8. Just Give Me a Reason by P!nk ft. Fun. : I haven't heard the song all that much, but every time I hear it I can't help but sing along. Their voices blend perfectly.

9. Stay by Rihanna : Rihanna has a stunning voice and I love when she does slow songs like this and California King Bed. It totally shows off her range and all she can do. Plus it's a great hit to cry too, and we all know it's about Chris. Don't even get me started on their subtweets to each other. Those two aggrevate me almost as much as Kaurruche Tran does.

10. Beautiful by Mariah Carey & Miguel : This duo is epic. The song takes a little while to grow on you, but once it does there's no turning back.

11. Next to Me by Emili Sande : I'm not going to pretend I know anything about this artist or the song. It's just my jam when it coems on the radio. That and number 12...

12. I love it by Icona Pop : You all know it's catchy.

13. The entire Red album by Taylor Swift. She's coming to Kansas City and I'm ready. I don't know all the words yet, but I promsie you all I will. 22's the one on the radio a lot now though. Notice the number I chose to give her.

14. When I was your man by Bruno Mars : This was more of a spring song for me, but I get to expereinece it in concert over the summer so that's why it's on the list.

It took me a lifetime to write this blog. If you have more song suggestions, get at me mis amigos. xxx

"You're so fine I want you mine you're so delicious. I think about you all the time it's so addicting"

My favorite blog game to play is one where I read the posts that you all read. I like to look back at my statistics and read whatever it is you all are reading. I know the Trey Songz experience post and Lil Wayne's baby mama issue post so well I normally skip over those haha. Apperently those posts are my best work. I don't read the posts because I'm extremly self centered and just sit and talk about how great I sound. I read the posts, because they show me how far i've come and how far I still have to go. Today I was playing cards with my brother, and my two little cousins. All three of them were my babies. I remember the days that all three of them were born like it was yesterday. They're all grown up now and entering different phases of their lives. The same phases I was going through before I started writing this blog. It's insane how fast time flies. My first year of college is complete (And I got an A in biology!! I can't even tell you how happy I was about that. Still waiting to hear back on calculus and chemistry). I finished one year and have five years to go. With hope after these five years I would have accomplished a great many things and be where I want to be. The realization that my babies were all grown up made me see myself in a way I hadn't really seen yet. I'm an adult. Their growing into teenagers, and I'm growing into an adult. This is the time where I should be enjoying youth and doing what I can to set up all that I want the next few years to be. As a person of faith, I have no fears of God leading me astray. I cherish the verse "All things come together for good for those who love the lord". It takes a little bit of pressure of me knowing that at the end of the day, it's all going to have a happy ending.

The post I read today was about the super bass feeling I got whenever I see this boy. My heart doesn't skip a beat anymore, but it sure does something. I just can't be myself around him, and I refuse to let my guard down for even one second. I turn into this extremly uptight person with absolutely no idea what they're saying or doing. Dazed and confused. There's a voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough for him. The smart side that listens to all my friends talk about how there are many fish in the sea and blah blah blah blah. It's there and this last year it flourished. I've met some nice boys, gotten a number or two, and really enjoyed the freshman lifestyle clubbing and going to frat parties and such. It's been fun. Was I thinking about him then? No. Am I thinking about him now? Yes. Why? Because life is speeding by and I would hate to see that "save the date wedding invitation" without ever having tried.

But then again, I have tried. I put myself out there, and I'm never humiliating myself again. Looking back at my attempts isn't as sad as it once was to me. At the time I was all dramatic, "I will never love again" about it. I get that the whole thing was childish. The subtweets I put out there for two years after were childish as well. The counter argument to this whole thing is that maybe I hold on to this fantasy from time to time because I know it couldn't happens and it stops me for having to put myself out there and actually trying with other people. Maybe it's my crutch. I know that I'm not ready to watch him marry someone else. I also know that I can't see myself marrying him. Ok, that's a lie. I can imagine it, but I don't think we've had a legitamate conversation in maybe four years. I doubt he's even shoke my hand in that time period either. We have zero contact, but that in itself is weird, because I have contact with pretty much everyone else. At least a little bit. Older younger. There are not many people in this community anyways. The lack of contact must be being done by the effort of one of us. That's irrelevent though. I could debate like this all night long. These are the conversations I have with myself in my mind. Here's the answer I always end up with:

Focus on school, and when that doesn't work I tell myself :

Let him come to you. He has that number. He knows where you live. He's perfectly capable. And if he wants to, he will. But after all this time, we know he won't. (If you're like me, Drake just popped in your head and you thought maybe she won't, but then maybe she will haha) Don't wait for him because time is moving and living in the here and the now is important. Let him find and marry a whore that resembles nanny mcphee and didn't get an A in biology. Amen.

If you're reading this, then I didn't mean that (^). Well I kind of did. I can explain...

Song of the day : Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne

Quote of the day: "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

How do you measure a year in the life?

I've never seen rent, but everyone knows the song. You know, seasons of love?

The song asks :

" In daylights, in sunsets, in midnight's
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life? "

I'm a week away from completing my first year of college. It feels like just started yesterday and couldn't pronounce the names of any of the buildings. My cousin walked me from the parking lot, because I had no idea where I was. I was amazed that the chairs in college are actually comfortable and freaked out a little every time I walked by the basketball players I spent all these years watching on television. Now I can pronounce building names, don't get as awestruck (most of the time), and feel used to the way things have worked out to be. I had no doubt that by the grace of God I would finish this school year well. I didn't expect the 4.0 my first semester (yay!!!), and if you asked me in the beginning of the year if I would understand both chemistry and biology I would have doubted you. All is well at this point, and after all this studying i'm doing I'm sure the finals will be go without a hitch. I'm healthy, didn't get knocked up or incarcerated like a good percentage of other people my age did. I worried a smidgen less then usual and enjoyed the perks of being 18+. I went through the year with all the values I hold dearly still imprinted in my heart and didn't do too many things I wasn't proud of. Even when it wasn't the cool thing to do, I stood by what I know is right. I linked myself up with a Christian group. I may not have been as active as i'd like to be, but I worked on my relationship with God (which was one of my new years resolutions). When I measure all these things, I would call it an incredibly successful year. I am definitely counting my blessings and appreciative of all that my freshman year was. When you hear stories about that girl that was kidnapped for over 10 years and countless sad stories, I realize just how lucky I am to be living the life I am. It wouldn't be me if I didn't find a way to complain though.

Here's the problem. I have just been feeling really down lately. It seems like everyone's dreams are coming true, and I just don't feel that way. The people who wanted to pursue something found a way to make that happen, the people who wanted a boyfriend found one, the people who wanted to get wasted and worry about nothing did, and then there's me. I honestly don't even know what I wanted. It's really hard to feel content when you had no idea what you wanted int he first place. I spent my year pursuing grades and money to keep me in school (and get my nails done). I had 7:30 am to 7 days pretty much Monday through Friday and didn't really have time to pursue anything other then studies, work, and Braxton Family Values (my reality television life never had to suffer). That didn't leave much time for meeting people, partying, or any of the other things that other people got to do.

I know you should never compare yourself to other people, but I can't help but be down. What did they do that I didn't? How did they achieve all of their dreams and some of mine, while I didn't? Is it because I'm shy? Did I work more then I should? Is all of that not in the cards for me? Am I not rich enough or smart enough? I can't help but wonder what I didn't do and weather or not anything could have been done differently. One of my favorite twitter accounts is @tomyfuturehusband. At first, I liked the account because of my love for weddings and all the dress pictures and such she posted on there. Then I fell in love with the messages she sent out, because she wanted the same things in a future husband that I did. Then it was the scripture she posted and inspiring quotes. Whoever runs the account is a virtual role model of sorts to me. She always tells people to pray for patience. I had never thought about the concept before her, but not that's just what I'm going to do. I will work on my patience and become a person worthy the dreams that live in the silence of my heart and the ones that I don't even know about yet. Not worthy by losing weight, and being more "free". But by continuing to be a person I'm proud of and doing all that I can to be a good human being. To be a good daughter, sister, and friend. With patience and the good karma points I will save up, hopefully the dreams known and unknown to me will come true as well. I can have that moment that everyone in my life seems to have had. Until then, I'm throwing a pity party. No one can come of course, because they're too busy celebrating the fact that they got everything they wanted. Maybe i'm just a little bitter. I'll work on it!

Song of the day : Seasons of Love

Quote of the day : "Our patience will achieve more than our force."
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_patience.html#ElQtlSF5a3I44mYo.99