Then we'll never have to wonder if we missed on each other

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for a bunch of things that will never come. Living a lie of sorts by believing that patients will lead to good things. That being a good person will pay off. Somewhere inside I know its true. I just don't know. Today I watched one of my friends weddings which honestly shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it just made me think. She knew what she wanted, and she found it. A lot of people give the women on Teen Mom a lot of hate. But they knew they wanted family life and to be someone's wife so they did it. I admire people who know what they want and chase it, even if it's not what society tell you you should want. I get jealous when I see people who have it all together. The things they hope to accomplish, different aspects of their lives. I feel like I still don't. I'm only 18 years old, but I'm technically an adult. I feel like I should know what I'm looking for and be on my way to getting it by now. So many other people are. Sure i'm in college and working on a degree. But that's not what I mean. It's other aspects that I feel like I'm not together.

I just don't know. I've also noticed when I feel confused like this; I always start having feelings for the same boy again. I don't know what it is about him. Maybe I painted him as some kind of hero in my mind for so long when I feel like I need to be rescued I think of him. Or maybe in some weird way, the world doesn't want me to give up on this and he's reading this right now thinking the same thing. Or maybe I just go back because it's the easy thing to do. I know that there's no way it'll work out, so by telling myself that I don't have to try to actually make it work. No risk involved, because I already know how that story ends.

Then there are people in life who's sole purpose is to make you feel like less then them. Sometimes they're not bullies, but people you actually chose to have in your life. I get that insecurities make people feel the need to always show off and prove that they're one upping you, but on days like today I just don't need that.

Who knows about any of this? I'm lost. That is all.