"I'll Be Strong. I'll Be Wrong, but life goes on. I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world"

Hello all.
My world is a little brighter today then it was yesterday. I've worked out my emotional trauma, and worked past my over dramatic ways. Every once in awhile it all just seems so overwhelming, and I don't know what to do next. That's just the way I am and have always been I guess. Keep in mind that this is my first year working and going to school. Part time school (18 hours) and part time work (16 hours) equals full time busy life. Don't even get me started on studying and homework. After psychologically evaluating myself (late night thoughts), I realized that I go back to my weaknesses when I'm lost. I ended up writing part of a song that was pretty good if I say so myself. Maybe i'll post it after its complete. If I ever made an album out of all these songs, I think I would call it songs about him. Him being one of my weird, explainable weaknesses. Those feelings are gone though. Except for the weird random moments when I think I was wrong for letting it go. I'll try not to have any more of those and start fresh.

The world sent me a lot of messages while I was thinking about all of this last night. One came in the form of a tweet from Alfredo Flores (the member of Justin's team that totally blew me off at the concert). Though he's a jerk, he's a wise jerk. This is what he said, "We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them. Think bigger". One thing that has always held me back is this idea that I'm shy. I don't want to go to clubs by myself, because I'm shy. I stick with the people I know and don't venture out that much. I have realized that maybe she is the wrong word for it. I'm taking a speech class and doing incredibly well in it. My teacher said I was a "great public speak". It wasn't just a pat on the back either, I've aced the last couple speeches. The fake it till you make it mentality has really helped me. I'm not that nervous when doing it either. I also perform in the church choir every Sunday morning, and I have no problems with shyness then. Putting that label on myself is what has been holding me back. The time has come for me to think bigger and venture outside the wall I built around myself. I am way more then I've let myself be. Once I realize it, maybe the world will too.

Another aspect that made me get over myself, think bigger was my d365. That's my method of reading the bible. It's an app and they give you a verse and words of wisdom based on that. For those of you familiar, the story was about Abraham and how God never left his side. Even when him and his wife had given up on having a baby because she was infertile, he never lost faith. I one hundred percent believe the verse "All things come together for good for those who love the lord". I just forget sometimes. What I read was :

"In our impatience, we sometimes conclude that if what we want hasn't happened yet, it's never going to happen. So God shows up." And does WORK! I may not be able to accomplish it on my own, but my faith in a higher power keeps me going.

I still don't know what I want, but that's ok. I always go back to Taylor Swifts song from her first album A Place in This World. It kind of describes where I am. That's why it was my twitter bio for awhile.

"I'll be strong, I'll be wrong. But life goes on. I'm just a girl. Trying to find a place in this world".

One day I will find what it is i'm looking for. I believe that.

song of the day : A Place in This World by Taylor Swift

Quote of the day : We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them. Think bigger"

Then we'll never have to wonder if we missed on each other

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for a bunch of things that will never come. Living a lie of sorts by believing that patients will lead to good things. That being a good person will pay off. Somewhere inside I know its true. I just don't know. Today I watched one of my friends weddings which honestly shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it just made me think. She knew what she wanted, and she found it. A lot of people give the women on Teen Mom a lot of hate. But they knew they wanted family life and to be someone's wife so they did it. I admire people who know what they want and chase it, even if it's not what society tell you you should want. I get jealous when I see people who have it all together. The things they hope to accomplish, different aspects of their lives. I feel like I still don't. I'm only 18 years old, but I'm technically an adult. I feel like I should know what I'm looking for and be on my way to getting it by now. So many other people are. Sure i'm in college and working on a degree. But that's not what I mean. It's other aspects that I feel like I'm not together.

I just don't know. I've also noticed when I feel confused like this; I always start having feelings for the same boy again. I don't know what it is about him. Maybe I painted him as some kind of hero in my mind for so long when I feel like I need to be rescued I think of him. Or maybe in some weird way, the world doesn't want me to give up on this and he's reading this right now thinking the same thing. Or maybe I just go back because it's the easy thing to do. I know that there's no way it'll work out, so by telling myself that I don't have to try to actually make it work. No risk involved, because I already know how that story ends.

Then there are people in life who's sole purpose is to make you feel like less then them. Sometimes they're not bullies, but people you actually chose to have in your life. I get that insecurities make people feel the need to always show off and prove that they're one upping you, but on days like today I just don't need that.

Who knows about any of this? I'm lost. That is all.

"I'll spend the rest of my time laughing hard with the windows down/Leaving footprints all over town/Keeping faith, karma comes around"

There are so many wonderful things that happen, big & small. Today's came in the form of a blizzard. I hate to be insensitive to all those who got in car wrecks and such as a result of the it, but it was a blessing in disguise for me. I hate a huge biology test today, and a silly chemistry lab to go to tomorrow. I didn't particularly want to participate in either of the two things. I spent my day doing absolutely nothing, and I love it. I don't know how many episode of Army Wives i've already gone through and quite frankly I don't care. The good thing about working at the university is that when school is closed, so is work. You're one hundred percent free. I feel like dancing singing that "I feel charming, oh so charming, it's amazing how charming I feeeeeel" song. I'm a child; I know. But pre-pharm isn't a joke. The work load is heavy, and there are few days to just take a breather. I made most of the day I had.

Ever since I had that giant realization that I could be myself and forget just about anyone who had a problem with who I am, life has been better. Going to a state school, there are plenty of rich sorority people that are hard for me to imagine being friend with. I've learned that people who were raised in a similar way you were are much easier to see eye to eye with. You have similar values and wants out of life. Standards are a big thing for me. I was taught to have set a standard for myself and not to lose that for anyone. You won't find me doing certain activities that I view are wrong or ever embarrassing myself for money, love, or anything else. Some people may view it as having too much pride, but I think everyone more or less has the lines that they won't cross. I have found that people respect you more for it.

I went to this pharmacy event and felt completely out of place. Everyone was friendly enough, but they were all from rich families and private schools. They all had family connections to pharmacy and knew that they could get hired by grandpa or their mother as soon as they graduated. I'm sitting there like I know this is what I want to do with my life, but I still don't even know how I could pay for all this. The people with the similar backgrounds clung together just like i've learned to do. Me and this guy who was also there were both from regular homes and didn't dress up in business suits or anything like the rest of the crowd. My dress up and pharmacy dress up are apparently not the same thing. It discouraged me a bit, but I realized it was just going to have to be another thing to overcome. Barack Obama is always a big inspiration to me. He went from low income guy to the ruler of the United States and some may argue the world. If he could make it as far as he did, I can make it through pharmacy school. By the grace of God and with the love and support of my family, whom shall I fear?

Song of the day : Catching My Breath - Kelly Clarkson (this song describes how i've been feeling a bit. Like I've spent my whole life catching my breath, taking it slow and now I'm ready to face everything head on with my best dress. Fearless. )

Quote of the Day : And in that moment I swear we were infinite. - Perks of Being a Wallflower (I still haven't read the book or seen the movie, but someone posted it on twitter. I thought it sounded magical)

"You're still the one I run to, the one that I belong to/You're still the one I want for life.."

This last week has been hectic, and I've been thinking about sharing all these different thoughts with you. Some of it is coming a little late, but here it is.

Valentines Day :

February 14th is a day that brings a variety of different emotions to the hearts of many. This year, I wasn't overcome by the "I'm single" energy that seemed to take over so many people. Valentines Day is a day about love, and in a world with so much anger and hatred it's great to have a day full of love. Love for your parents, your siblings, your boyfriend, husband, God, friends, and the list goes on and on. If your list of people you hate is longer than your list of people you love then you have a problem. My bestie sent me a valentine, and it made my day. It was this adorable dancing penguin, and there's nothing cuter. These last couple of weeks I have been working on being a friendlier person. I have been a little less introverted and met some amazing people in the process. But back to V - Day. I love holidays. Everything seems extra fun during them. This is my first year with a job, so it was nice seeing everyone get the flower arrangements from their significant others and surprise lunches out. Despite the tests I had to take and the hours I worked, I was happy about it.  I wore my pink cardigan and felt happy. I also got to see my crush who is for me to know and no one else. It really is just a crush. I like the person I think he is, but I don't know him yet. If it was meant to be, we'll meet. I don't see the point of rushing romantic love. Good things come to those who wait. That has always been the case with my life at least. I follow a To My Future Husband account that has really nice quotes and thoughts. She writes to this guy she knows she's going to meet some day. It's not creepy or babyish. It's real.

I feel like real love isn't about flirting, sex, or how many different clubs you've been through. It's about standing by each other through the good and the bad. It's about having a foundation of God under everything you plan to do together. Pray together, cry together, and definitley celebrate your accomplishments together.  If you're not breaking through the surface of some of the typical high school relationship stuff, then what's the point. I just know it'll mean more if it surpases a coat when your cold and someone to make you feel less awkward at events. The song Wanted by Hunter Hayes is something I always admire. That's the kind of guy I would like to celebrate valentines day with someday.

On another note, I'm reading Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man and the advice in it is really enlightening. He talks about all these expectations women tend to set in a relationship with a man. We like roses not tulips, walks on the beach, and gifts on birthdays. Setting all these requirements don't give the person you're in the relationship with an opportunity to show you more. Let yourself be surprised. He also talked about finding someone who has the same values and goals as you do. Someone who is content working at mcDonalds probably will be forever, but will you? They should help you move forward with your life and not hold you back. If they are unmotivated, and careless, they could make you that way too. You all should check it out.

Song of the Day : You're Still The One by Shania Twain

quote of the day : The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. - Nicholas Sparks

"This Ain't a Rap Song; This Is My Life"

Adulthood has been one major wake up call. Keep in mind, I've only been an adult for about 2 months now. Long enough for me to realize it is rough. I was given everything I need to succeed in this grown world. I left my house with a debit card, a job, an education (thank you federal government for grants), and a car whenever my mother doesn't need to use it. I was raised by two great parents who taught me to be kind and courteous, and family and friends who love me through it all. Those are the things everyone supposedly needs to make it in this dog eat dog world. I can honestly tell you, I'm worn out. I just slept through my first two classes of the day. I woke up tired. That's not even a joke. That alarm rings at 6:20 am. Not enough time. I dream about being at work, and I swear it makes me mentally tired in the morning. It's awful. All of my days are about 8:00 am to 6:00 pm. Those are 10 hour days. I go from school to work then back to school for evening labs or study sessions. After that about one night a week I attempt to have a social life.

This weeks exciting social event was the KU vs. K-State basketball game. It's a huge deal, because we have a rivalry that goes way back. The filed house was sold out as it always is. Up until the day before, I didn't have a ticket. My cousin has a couple friends on the K-State team, and they offered her a ticket. She didn't want to go alone, so I bought a ticket from someone at work. The crowd was pumped, and we got to sit next to some cute guys (not my type, but I wanted to paint the picture for you. They were attractive). Our seats are kind of in the back so it doesn't even matter, because everyone's excited. About five minutes in, my eyes start slowly closing. I am falling asleep at one of the biggest college events of the year. This is my life now. I drag myself from place to place and fall asleep at all of them. No, I do not have mono. I have too much work, not enough rest. I'm the girl who went to bed at 9:30 pm in high school. Not because I had a curfew or weird bedroom, but because I needed that time to rest, pray, and get my head on straight. Now 9:30 is when the homework starts. What is this life?!

How did I get into this mess you ask?  Simple. It all started when I decided I should probably go to college so that I have money to succeed if I don't meet some rich tycoon to take care of me. I don't think of myself as stupid, so I went for pharmacy. Half way through the first semester, I got a job! Yay job! I now don't have to bother my parents about money or have them pay for any of my expenses/education. I started working 15 hours and life was a breeze. Second semester starts, Biology, Chem and Calculus happen. I'm in a total of 18 credit hours, because I need to be taking a certain class in order to qualify for a scholarship I applied for. I decide to take 8 am classes, so I can work more in order to pay for that additional 3 hours I need (each class is 890 dollars at this oh so great school of mine). So basically, I work a lot to pay for classes that I sleep through because i'm so tired from working. After that, I have to go to study sessions, because I'm not getting anything in class then get tired again and sleep through class the next day. Then on top of it all, I need to lose weight. There are 3 days as week I can go to the gym. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (assuming I don't fall asleep on the bike or chose to go to a social event I could sleep through).

Oh and Valentines Day is tomorrow. All alone.

Today's Ash Wednesday, and I can't go to church because I have work followed by bio study session. I hate missing this service. :(

This ain't a rap song, this is my life. BOOM!


song of the day: Worlds Greatest by R. Kelly (When you have a day like mine, you need some cheesy inspiration.)

quote of the day: My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return. 
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_hope.html#jy6wZU5mLf83uQrk.99  

- Maya Angelou

GRAMMYS 2013 Best Dressed List

Best Dressed Girls :

1. Rihanna. She looked absolutely stunning in the red dress with the blond lucks. I adored it.

2. Kelly Rowland : The dress was quite risque given all the new dress rules they put on the show. They listed the body parts they don't want to see in great detail. She looked promiscuous without showing too much. She may have given Rihanna a run for her money for the top spot if my husband (Trey Songz) didn't adore her so much.

3. Taylor Swift : She looked stunning in white. I love the new fashion risks shes been taking. She looks wonderful and everyone knows I'm a swiftie. Shes a tad too skinny, but better skinny then the other way around.

4. Alicia Keys stayed on trend with the Black and White theme. I haven't liked the fashion direction she's been taking lately, but this one was stunning. I love how strappy it is on the sides and she rocked the form fitting look. This girl is on fire.

5. Katy Perry went for something different and never done before. She said she was inspired by Priscilla Presleys outfits back in the hair. It's the "higher the hair, the closer to God" Texan woman look. I think she pulled it off well, and it's a challenging color to pull off. 

Best Dressed Men : 

1. Trey Songz is my husband, my love, my favorite, and every other wonderful name you can think of giving to someone. He didn't let me down and looked dashing in his all black everything look. Gulianna Rancic is a happily married woman, but she drooled. She couldn't keep her mind straight during the interview, and Trey was flirting as always. He suggested she get a piercing down in her lady area with a wink, and she asked him if the tux was a rental. He said, no "I bought this". My man...

2. Drake. He speaks for himself. Classy. Sophisticated. Nothing but love. 

3. Chris Brown : Rihanna's love was adorning this boy and let me tell you it showed. I'm happy they found a way to work out their differences and be together. The song she sang was incredibly heartfelt, and he gave her a standing ovation. The nose ring was kind of..eh. But he still looked nice. 

Cutest Couple : 

The award goes to...Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose. She's due in three weeks, but happy to be by her fiances side supporting him. He said, "I wish she could be pregnant forever". He seems to really love her and came off as a wonderful guy inside and out.