"Take me or leave me. I'll never be perfect; Believe me I'm worth it. So take me or leave me"

This isn't how I pictured it. My senior year of high school I mean. Well the last four years haven't really gone as planned. I'm not saying it's better or worse, but i'm saying I never saw it coming. In the past four years I've done some things that 8th grade girl from Central Jr. High School could have only dreamed of. I had some really special moments that the average girl from kansas doesn't get to experience. I had the joy of seeing my favorite artists live which means more to me then it does to the average person. The concerts were like a spiritual thing, exactly what I needed to keep going and to feel alive again. I went to some really cool places. I crossed the American/Canadian border, took a road trip with our friends that became less friends and more family, joined a girl scout troop that gave me the opportunity to see people I looked down on in the past in a different light, and so many more things I can't even being to describe.

Heres the problem. Very few of those moments happened through high school or because of it. I'm in love with the show One Tree Hill and the whole show is built around the love of people you get in high school. There are only 28 days left (yes, i'm counting), and I still don't feel very close to a majority of my senior class. I think it has to do with going to a big school where everyone has different personalities. I did build some pretty good high school friendships. Or...I thought I did.

Today at lunch just completely threw me off. I was saying something that might have seemed like a small deal, but I was opening up to someone about something that I felt and they just totally made me feel like crap about it. I simply mentioned something that was on my mind to a friend, and they just reacted so badly. What they were doing was trying to make me feel pathetic for what i said. Someone who I was starting to consider one of my closest friends treated me like crap. I realized maybe i'm not as close to some of these people as I thought. The thing about me is a move on, but I don't ever forget. Its the little things like that that makes the difference between a friend and a best friend or even just a great one. Another thing that bugs me is that everyday they all leave together, and they'll just leave me there. They won't look back or even notice that i'm not with them. Sometimes I don't go with them on perfect. I've never been a girl to need anyone or anything that doesn't need me.

I put up with a lot of shit, but I try to be the better person. I don't bring it up or anything, but when it comes to the people in my head that I know I can always turn to some just don't make the cut. But there are friends who are really good to me. I would name them if it wouldn't be so rude. Those are the girls that i've always had stuff in common with. I don't see them all the time, but they've made me feel less alone during this whole high school thing and I owe them a big thank you between now and then. Despite the party poopers who refuse to get excited about anything, there are the girls that cared about prom, fashion, cute basketball boys, and everything that makes me me. Those are the friendships I want to continue.

Maybe i'm just upset and will change my mind soon and rebuild some of the friendships with friends that are getting weird, but the fact that after six years of friendships the fact that I can't tell them when i'm upset and they don't even catch on says something.

I can never keep these short. I guess thats where I am right now.

song of the day: Marilyn Monroe - Nicki Minaj

quote of the day: "I asked God to protect me from my enemies and I started losing friends"

"Well i've been afraid of changes cause I built my life around you. Time makes you bolder, children get older and i'm getting older too"

Before I start complaining, I want to be clear that I have a good life. I love my family and my friends like 80% of the time. But its that 20% of the time that keeps me coming here, because I have no where else to really let out my anger and frustrations. My best friend is a world away; I can't really go to my parents about everything; and some of my other friends just don't care... I'm not trying to be dramatic. It's true! Today I was having a really rough day. I did terrible on a Calculus test I needed to do good on and was genuinely concerned about my grade. For once in my life, I didn't feel like pretending to be happy. I was upset. One of my friend asked how my day was going, so I told them the truth. That it was going terribly and blah blah about the test. You know what they said? "Well...good luck with that" and walked away. That kind of just made me more pissed off. If you've known me for the last half a decade, can't you give me something better then that? Am I crazy for wanting more then that? The thing is this isn't a person I felt comfortable being like "thanks for nothing" to.

Maybe I think of things weirdly, but I feel like real friends are the ones you can tell anything. If I can tell you your outfits ugly, and the move you just made is stupid then I feel like we're close. To me it means that I love you enough to tell you the truth even if that isn't what you want to hear. Most people in my life are very sensitive to the truth. When I express the truth to them, they're just silent. This whole prom thing has made a takeover. I got a purple dress and beautiful cinderella shoes that i'm in love with. Their silver and glittery all over. They make me feel great. But back to the main topic. One of my friends and I are in charge of getting the group together and renting a party bus. To our defense, we wanted to plan it. In my mind, this means someone else would step up and get a reservation at a restaurant and set up some other things. Everyone with their fair share right? Nope. I told two girls in choir that I had done my fair share and they should step it up and find a place for us to go to dinner. They just stood silent and stared at me. Isn't that the reaction we all want? Can you see why I'm so frustrated?

Some of my friends are wonderful. I went to a party with two of them just the other night and we had a great time and totally cliqued and understood each other. Its just not like that with everyone. The year is almost coming to an end and a lot of us will be seperated. BUT the good news is that most of the people i'm really close to are staying here in the midwestish region. We'll still get to meet up and hang out.

The last thing I need to complain about is encore. After that I promise I'm done. The show was great this year and I was in Firework and New Soul. The songs went very well. But it was the other stuff that just made me feel like crap every single day. Some of the people involved were just so good and singing and had such cute clothes and were so pretty that I felt bad about myself. I wondered why I couldn't be like them. It's pathetic and totally high school girl of me but thats how I felt. Then everyone was getting all these flower deliveries and stuff. No one sent me anything. My mother gave money instead which was much appreciated, but last year I got all my friends involved flowers. Did one of them think to get me one? No. I don't blame a single one of the audience members for not getting anything because those tickets were already $7. Just the fact that a few of my friends chose to see the show for that much instead of go watch a movie or something was special. But I saw other people giving all this stuff to each other and getting asked to prom. I just felt so alone... I still kind of do.

On the more upbeat side, my favorite numbers in the show were:

Landslide
King of Anything
Hold On
Cosmic Love

I had never heard any of them before the show and now they cheer me up every day.

song of the day: Landslide by the Dixie Chicks

quote of the day: "At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self".

"Jelousy's just love and hate at the same time"

Its been awhile. Let me fill you in. This last month and a half has been filled with all kinds of ups and downs. My mother had surgery which went really well. She's been around every day and we're really enjoying it. I love my mom. We annoy each other and get too much fun out of teasing each other, but my days are really much brighter with her around. Especially since my dad is so far away a lot of the time. I miss him a lot. But most days its just guilt. He works so hard to make sure that we all are satisfied with life and have everything we need. Its not fair that he has to work so hard. I guess its the push that keeps me being the best person I can be. If he's giving up his life for mine, I might as well make mine one that he'll be proud of. My brother and N. are the same as always. They bring me a lot of joy too. Sometimes you need someone your own age to relate to, and I feel like I can tell both of them anything. Even the crazy things I do, and the embarassing thoughts I have sometimes. Family loves you no matter what, and mine is truly one of the biggest blessings in my life.

So the most memorable day in March was undebatably March 1st. I know what you're thinking. Justin Bieber's birthday! It was, but that wasn't what made it so special. N. and I had row 14 tickets to Drakes Club Paradise Tour. We got ready and got there really early. I'm a crazy fan...the first thing I did was locate the tour buses. I hope you're not getting the wrong idea. I'm not a celebrity groupy. I just enjoy meeting the people that I have so much respect for on T.V. or on the radio. All i'm after is a picture and some small talk. N. happened to know a member of the ASAP tour. They had talked earlier and he offered to have us hang out with them, but she slipped on the fact I was 17. They wanted to do some not very legal drugs and God stopped us from being in an awkward situation. They don't hang out with people who are underage so that ended fast. After finding the buses, we went inside spring center and were blown away with all the magic that is the Club Paradise tour. A$AP Rocky opened the tour and he was definitely something. He had a lot of energy and sang his hits (not that I knew any of them...) There was a moment in the show where he encouraged people to "lift their joints up". Never seen that many drugs in my life..or really ever... People were smoking inside the Sprint Center and it was so many people that it was impossible to stop them all.

Kendrick Lamar followed A$AP Rocky. He had a more different feel. He wasn't as energetic and didn't really dance or anything, but that made me focus on the words more. He talked about "ADHD babies" and I learned that the reason a lot of the people in the generation a little before me had ADHD, because they were crack babies. I never made the connection myself. That was interesting. After his performance some of my favorite men in lawrence made an apperence, The KU basketball team. I felt the energy in the room change a little. Everyone got super excited. Guess were they were sitting? The floor. Where on the floor? Just a couple rows in front of me. In a moment of pure fearlessness, I didn't want to miss out on an introduction and a picture. I met Thomas Robinson, Tyshaun Taylor (he was very into his phone so it was more like saw then met), Travis Releford, and Merv Lindsay (my favorite player). They were really sweet and started the night off with a bang.

Drake was an extraordinary entertainer. His lyrics are strong enough to speak for themselves. He could of stood there and sang without doing anything and still be great, but he didn't. He put on the best light show ever. The lights were just doing al kinds of cool things. What I loved about Drake was that he wasn't scared to have a good time. He danced around and smiled a lot. He was honest. He worked off the energy of the crowd and got better and better as the night went on. There were parts when he kind of acted that were really cool. He lifted up the lights and pointed out indivisuals in the audience. Everyone felt special, but he didn't see me. We were one of the biggest shows on his tour, so he was overjoyed that so many people showed up. After the concert I tried to meet him and failed. I met A$AP Rocky for a few seconds and had a full length conversation with A$AP Nast. He's a sweetheart. All the people on the tour were really friendly and cool. They had told me and the other people waiting not to excpect much. Apperently Drake likes to be alone. It's kind of fitting of his character. Anyways, that was the drake concert.

song of the day: Shot For Me by Drake

quote of the day: "May your neighbors respect you. Trouble neglect you. Angels protect you, and heaven neglect you" - Drizzy Drake