"What's love? It's about us, it's about trust babe".

Hello Strangers or People I Know,

I have made it a goal to do two things. 1. Read my bible more through d365.org or the physical bible that I have at home. My heart has been drawing me to the book of Hebrews at home, but d365 is quick and allows me to organize my thoughts. I'm also going to finally download this app that I see on a friends snapchat all the time. It's called "eternal sunshine", and I promise not to delete the app in order to make more room for pictures. 2. I decided that I would blog more, because I need a healthy way to express my feelings and hear my own thoughts. I have chosen not to be sad and to try and be positive about my life choices and everything that's been going on. Writing my feelings and expressing myself if a great way to do it. I have learned that I don't enjoy talking about myself. I can talk about my friends and things going on in their lives, but I don't like talking about just me. What's going on with me or what I'm feeling. I guess that's partly, because I don't really focus on me. My life is just something I'm pushing through to get to the other side or a better place. The fact that there are only 6 more days of summer school after today makes everything better, because that has been a big cause of stress. I want my degree. It's important to me.

But I told you it's hard for me to worry about myself. The two things that have been heavy on my heart are my boyfriend and one of my friends. My boyfriend has been incarcerated for 48 days now. It is my hope and prayer that he comes home soon. It would be great if his release from jail was the answer to all of our problems, but it's not. I'm all in when I love someone and I truly believe that him and I are building a life together. We are trying to get careers (through school for me and finding a job for him) in order to eventually move in together, get married, and start a family. I don't know what his timeline is, but I see all of this coming together within the next 3 years. He doesn't get scared when we talk about marriage and commitment. The truth is that neither of us can imagine being apart. Even when we talk about the idea of him moving to Topeka or Kansas City, we both decide that its impossible. Yesterday, he ended up saying exactly what I was thinking. If he moves away, then one of us would have to commute to the other every night. We can't sleep without each other. Aside from this period of forced separation, we see each other every day. It's not a burden or something we do just to keep it going. We just love being together. But when he comes back, he has to navigate life after a felony. Most of us don't think about these things. I didn't know any of this before meeting him and trying to help him navigate everything. But having a felony excludes you from living in most apartment complexes and it makes finding a job extremely difficult. He's going to need a job to survive and pay for the legal costs hes accumulated. None of it is pretty. My role as a girlfriend is to just be there emotionally. I've enjoyed room hunting, because wherever he ends up is going to be somewhere where I spend a lot of time as well. I'm worried about how hard it will be for him to get settled, but hoping for the best. God doesn't close a door without opening a window, and like the rest of the world he forgives and looks past mistakes. God is full of second chances, and I believe that love between one another should be modeled after the love that God has for us. That being said, I'm willing to forgive my boyfriend not 7 times but 77 times. This doesn't include abuse or cheating or anything like that. But if he makes a mistake that sets him back, I don't think being there to help him get back up is a bad thing. Everyone needs love. Especially in tough times. So I'm constantly thinking of things that could go wrong or things ways that he could explain his criminal history to make things easier. He tells me not to worry about it and let him handle everything, but that's hard for me to do.

As for my friend, she has become my boyfriends arch nemesis. To be fair, he hates her a lot more than she hates him. He doesn't want me to be friends with her anymore and rightfully so. Most of my friends don't want to be friends with her either. They didn't like her from the beginning. She's the type of person that fights with a majority of the people in her life and has lost countless friends over the years. It's easy for her to cut ties with people. I'm upset with her, because I turned to her in my time of need. She wasn't there and she hurt my feelings. It matters, because I was already down. That was additional hurt that I did not need and couldn't handle. The fact that I don't open up much and actually tried to open up only to be shut out, sucked. She had a lot of excuses or reasons for why she acted the way she did. She had specifically asked me not to talk about my boyfriend. She said that that's because I was going through a phase where I made anything and everything about him. What she thinks of as a phase is something I think of as love. I was falling in love and she didn't want to hear about it. She didn't want me to have my moment. That's rude. When I mentioned the mean things she said, she said she was only speaking to me the way I speak to her. But I know for a fact, I don't speak to people that way. Yes, I've said that some men are a bad idea and even gone as far as saying I hate them, but I think it was for good reason. I was doing all this to prevent what ultimately happened from happening. Her listening to me would have been a good idea, but I still didn't hold it against her or say "I told you so" to her face like I could have. I feel like I've spent hours of my life listening to her talk about things and she says that she does the same for me, but I just don't think so. Yes, she'll listen to me talk about random things (celebrities, stories I read, religious stuff, and other random facts that live in my head). And there are times when shes listened to me talk about serious stuff like when I was going through all this family stuff. I just don't see it as the same. I feel like I'm a way better, more invested friend. And I'll never get that same friendship back. Overall, I've decided that that's okay with me. I decided that because this friend really needs a friend right now. And by right now, I mean for a long time after now too. She is going through something life changing. I've chosen to support her, but my boyfriend doesn't understand. He doesn't believe that anyone should hurt me or be rude to me. He thinks I need to stand up for myself, which I agree with. I just can't abandon a friend in need. I'm too need. God gave me too big a heart.

Song of the Day : What's Luv by Fat Joe ft. Ja-Rule and Ashanti (I was listening to this 2000s radio through Apple Music and found this song. I used to love it. It goes hard.)

Quote of the day: "You weren't always the person you are today, and thus, give others a chance to evolve as well. Before you judge, sympathize, and inspire" - Eternal Sunshine App

This app is already exactly what I need to hear. I feel like it's okay to sympathize with both my boyfriend and my friend during this time. I need to give them both a chance to evolve and have no right to assume that that won't happen.

"Oh, Darling Don't You Ever Grow Up"

So, either I'm depressed or my life is a pile of shit. It honestly might be both. If I had to pinpoint when I started feeling like I might actually be depressed I would say October/November of last year. Right around the time the African guy stopped talking to me. For those that don't understand depression, him dumping me did not make me depressed. I just started feeling gloomy and sleeping a lot during that time. I cried a lot as well. That hasn't stopped. I cry at least 2 times a week these days. It's usually a full on breakdown. Getting on birth control just made everything worse. More tears and more uncontrolled emotions. I also went through some family things in November with my parents. It was an uncomfortable situation,and it caused me to see them differently. No one wants to see their parents as less than perfect people, and the situation forced that to happen. They only people I talked to about all this were them, my aunt, and one other person. I went to counseling for awhile, but it was $15 a session and money was a big part of the life issues I was having. My sessions were productive, because I felt relief after but I also just cried a lot during those too. Ugly, snot filled tears. 

That's why for the first year in my life I didn't make my birthday a huge production. My parents and brother both had to work, I had a final, and I didn't want to be a burden to people. Going to events and keeping up with other peoples birthdays and events had started to feel like a burden to me, because of how down I was feeling. I didn't really have the energy to do for others, so I didn't want anyone to do for me either. My family went on the Atlanta trip over Christmas. That was nice. I enjoyed site seeing, but I still wasn't feeling 100%. It got to the point where my grandmother noticed it which broke my heart, because I want her thinking everything is okay. She has so much on her plate with everyone else, I didn't want her worrying about me too. The good (well not so good) news is that my cousin was feeling the same way. We got to talk about it on the trip and it was nice opening up. 

My aunt (who's not really my aunt but I love anyway) also came up and gave both of us a talk about life and love. I of course, had to hold back tears through the whole thing. That's a common theme through this entire thing. I just want to sit in a corner and cry. Her talk was about how now is the time to love and cherish our parents. They are lonely and going through a transition too. The transition from raising children to letting them fly on their own. It can be tough starting to not be in such good health and move closer and closer to retirement. She also told us about her dating life. You know you only ever think of your aunt as being with your uncle. It was funny hearing about the bad boys she dated. The one thing she emphasized is never bringing a man that you don't want to marry to meet your parents (I broke that rule and brought my very first boyfriend home, but it's okay because I want to marry him). For the first time in my life, an African, adult woman encouraged me to be promiscuous and figure out what's out there. What I like. She also emphasized finding a man that can take care of you financially, because life is hard. She said my uncle won at the end, because he could pay tuition after her family ran out of money. These aren't all glamorous things, but it was nice to hear the truth about life from someone who has been through it. The fairytale idea of life that people sell to you just hasn't been my experience. 

Failing out of school set me way back and I still feel like a failure for it. I've officially been in school five years. Starting the 6th in August, and it is absolutely exhausting. I'm tired of studying. I still have 3 years of pharmacy school to go and to be honest, I don't think I'm going to make it most days. It's just too much. It's even harder not having any money through all of this. This past semester I tired not working much and focusing on school. It failed, because not having any money just added to my unhappiness. Even when I wanted to do things to cheer myself up, I couldn't afford to. I felt ugly, because for the first time in a long time I couldn't afford to get my hair, nails, and eye brows down every six weeks or so. I gained weight, because eating is where I find joy. At this rate, I am well on my way to being on my six hundred pound life. 

On top of all this I was in a new relationship. That added stress and took it away. I experience real joy when I'm with my baby. He makes me happy and makes me feel less alone. We're just both at a rough place financially, so it makes starting a life together really difficult. Sometimes his problems on top of my own make me just want to explode. The cheery on top was the $113 speeding ticket I got today from a white cop who stopped both me and a white man. The white man was let go, but I had to pay a ticket. I will be in court to fight that, but I'm tired of court rooms after everything I've experienced with my boyfriend. I just want to sleep and cry, but I can't do any of that. Today's schedule is 9-11 class, 12-5 work, 6-9 class. It'll be 10 by the time I get home and eat dinner. Y'all know I'm not missing no meals. I'll shower watch a little tv and do it all over again. I don't want to do it all over again. I just want to try. 

"I Think You're Truly Something Special; Just What My Dreams Are Really Made Of"

Two days into the new year, I received this message on Facebook."Hey Mariam. It's A from the Ass Jams party, I don't know if I had disrespected you any last night, but I do truly apologize if I did. I was drunk, but that's no excuse. So I do apologize if I did disrespect you in any manner". I was really surprised by the message. 1. I was surprised, because this beautiful individual went out of his way to contact me. He didn't just say hey. He apologized even though he didn't know if he did anything wrong. 2. I hadn't texted him and that wasn't reason enough for him to give up. 3. He was able to find me on facebook! I have a name that no one can pronounce. He not only knows how to pronounce it, but he knew how to spell it. Issa husband! I accepted his friend request and assured him that he didn't do anything wrong. I told him that it did seem like he was interested in hooking up, but that wasn't what I was interested in. He said that he respects my decision not to hook up and just wants to spend time with me.

I told A that I don't drink or turn up and would probably bore him, and he said my favorite line. "It'll never be a dull moment with me". *insert apple heart eyes emoji here*. We continue to talk and he opens up about some serious things. He tells me about his brother that passed away and how his family hid the death from him at first. He also says that he would love to get together again. I told him that I like dates (girl code for take me on a date). It was a brand new year and I didn't want to back track on my search for love. 2016 was a year when I started going on actual, adult dates and I didn't want to back track from that. He mentioned he didn't know where anything in town was,s o I would have to help. Being the stubborn woman that I am, I didn't want to suggest anything. I wouldn't him to make the effort and find a place to take me. I also wanted to see what type of places are good to him and whether we like the same things. His first suggestion was a coffee shop. While a coffee shop date sounds very romantic, I don't drink coffee. I had to decide if I was going to tell him that or not. I decided to tell him that I was up for going but wouldn't drink any coffee. I was hoping for food and that's exactly what bae came through with on the second suggestion. Fuzzy's Tacos. A place I enjoy.

We ended up setting a time to meet and he smoothly tried to make the transition from Facebook messenger to regular texting. I sent a message to the number he gave me and got no response. Turns out that he put the wrong number in my phone while he was intoxicated. The number was one off. I told him that the number he gave me wasn't right and he gave me an updated one. I worried, because I wasn't going to be ready in time for our date. I still had to shower and do my hair which wasn't in great condition. It was a month into the weave, and it was starting to look bad. I told him that I was going to be late, and he told me to take my time. He wasn't ready either. I asked if he wanted me to start driving to meet him there and he told me to wait for him to call. This was AMA being AMA. He likes being in control. Not in a bad way, but in the way I've been looking for my entire life. I want a man that will lead, and he does that in our relationship.

The first date was amazing. I parked my car right next to fuzzy's. A was waiting in front of the restaurant for me. I like that he hadn't walked in before me. He was a gentlemen. He was wearing a black sweatshirt and khaki pants. He smelled delicious. What I thought was cologne was actually blunt effects to hide the fact that he had just smoked. I gave him a hug, he held the door open for me, and we walked in. I knew exactly what I wanted to order, because it was the second day of the new year and I was still counting calories (we all know that didn't last long). He ordered something that involved a pig and beans. I knew it would be gross, but I let him get it anyways. He ended up being pretty disappointed with his food and mentioned how mine looked amazing. The food wasn't the focus though. The focus was that in that moment we knew we found something special. We opened up and talked about a lot of different things. He gave me an unedited version of his past. He made fun of me for getting food all over my face and handed me napkins to wipe it off. I told him in a letter that that moment makes me think that he was taking care of me from the very beginning. He agreed and said he only makes fun of me about missing my face, because he thinks its cute. I could end this right here my friends. That's love. Loving someone for their imperfections. But the story doesn't end here.

After the date we walked outside to my car. He had walked to Fuzzy's from his sisters house. It was cold outside, but we still wanted to talk. We were standing incredibly close to each other the entire time. Lots of kissing and rubbing was happening. This went on for quite awhile and we were enjoying every moment. He pointed out how comfortable I was with him which made me notice that all my guards were down. I was 100% in the moment. That's when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I reminded him that we had just finished our first date and we didn't know each other. He insisted that he told me everything on the date and he can tell the kind of person I am, so what is there to know? I still said no, because committing after the first date is crazy talk. He asked a second time, and I said no. I knew that I liked him, but I was stuck on the fact that it was too soon. We eventually got in the car, so that I could drop him off. We parked outside of his sister's house, but not right in front because we didn't want them to see us. He asked a third time, if I was going to be his girl. This time or the time before he had added in a story. He said that his grandmother told him that when you like someone, there's no point in waiting. He has an uncle who was engaged for a really long time and they didn't get married. His grandmother said they didn't get married, because they didn't want to be together. Two people that want to be together do just that. They are together. That story really resonated, and this time I said yes. On three conditions. 1. He has to realize that I'm in school and that's a priority. 2. I probably wasn't going to give up the V card (out the window). 3. He had to quit smoking. I told him to throw what he wad smoking out the door right then and there. He told me that that would be a bad financial decision and as soon as he finishes smoking what he has, he'll be done. That one was out the window too. He never actually quit smoking. But we did fall in love. And for about 3 blissful days we were a normal couple. Young and in love. We both were working and making more money than usual. We were in a good place. That was before the police called his place of employment and said there was a warrant for his arrest....dun dun duuuuuun.

"Raindrops. Drop tops. Smokin' on cookie in the hotbox"

Good Morning Blog,


I always come here after periods of great joy, sadness, disappointment, and change. I've experienced all four of these periods during the time since my last post. On December 31st, 2017, I was in Lawrence, Kansas with my family. I had completed a successful semester or pharmacy school and fun trip to Atlanta, Georgia for Christmas. My grandmother was in our home and adamant about not doing anything to celebrate the new year. For the first time in a long time, my parents were going out to celebrate. My brother had plans with our former neighbor, and Neema was in Maryland visiting her family. Breonna came over for the big celebration. Both of us had brand new outfits and were feeling "bad and boujee". Migos was toping the charts and you couldn't get on social media without seeing a Raindrops, Droptops meme. My love life was looking up. I had actively started using tinder again and had a couple little boos from there. One of them, Jay, I was intrigued by. His downfalls included no car and only wanting to hang out at night. The other guy, C. had a former fling who didn't know she was pregnant with his baby until it was too late. His positive attributes included being a good father, texter, and being in school. I was 99.9% sure he was short though. Charles and I were messaging again in an attempt to rekindle what was lost. It was going okay, but like always it was difficult to understand what he was saying and I was unsatisfied. I was talking to two more men as well, but now I just sound like a hoe. Back to New Years Eve.


I did Breonna's make up that night, because we knew that both of her boos would be present at the LFK event of the year : Ass Jamz. I finished straightening my hair and doing my make up, but just didn't feel cute. I made Breonna take a billion photos of me, but none of them made me feel like a million bucks. I was insecure. We arrived at the party, and I had a surprisingly good time. They were playing a lot of nice throwbacks and we were dancing. Towards the middle of the night Breonna became focused on her baes. Halfway through the night one of them moved up towards the balcony, so we went up there too. When I got to the top, I basically felt abandoned. She was busy with them, and I wanted to be downstairs dancing. I was irritated and was ignoring her even when she did give me attention. While up in the balcony, I noticed another handsome young man. I kept looking back at him to see what he was up to or if he was with another women. He was in a white shirt with light blue and grey stripes that was a little too big for him. He also had on khaki pants. What I didn't know is that he was purposefully moving to different locations of the balcony to make sure that I was indeed looking for him. Every time I looked back, he would move. Before you knew it, he was standing right next to me on the balcony. We were both looking down at the crowd a bit. I was debating whether or not I would say anything. It was after midnight and I had already missed out on an opportunity for a new years kiss. After contemplating everything for awhile, I decided to say something. What, I can't remember. I just texted him to see if he remembered and would tell me.


This became the beginning of a beautiful conversation. We talked about a lot of different things. He told me that he had 11 siblings or a crazy number like that (I eventually figured out that most of them were his siblings by choice and not biological ones. His mother has four children and his father has eight. The two parties share three kids together). He told me that he was raised by his grandmother. He told me that everyone he knows named Antwane has a child except him. He told me he was from Texas (Houston). He told me that he regretted not telling me that his name was Murice, because that's his middle name that he goes by. He told me that he was a sister name Keshia and insisted on asking if I know her. He pointed her out from the balcony and everything. It was not someone that I knew. He told me about his smoking habit and I was disappointed, because that's a red flag for me. We continued to talk until the party was over. Breonna was cuddled with her man, and him and I walked and talked as well. We eventually went to my car and continued the conversation there. I kept driving by Breonna to see if she was ready. He told me to take his number down, because his phone was dead (I later learned that this would be the common theme in our relationship. This man does not charge his phone). We were having a good time, but I, like him was still unsure. I didn't know if I would actually make use of the number. Eventually Breonna got in the car with us, and I drove him back to his sisters house where he would be finishing the night. He asked me to walk to the door with him and held my hand and cuddled with me standing up. I could tell that he was thinking about kissing me, but I was purposefully not looking up at the right times. I assumed that like most men, he just wanted to hook up and would forget all about me if we didn't do anything that night. Eventually he went in and I went back to the car. I waited, because it seemed like no one was opening the door for him for awhile. He later told me that that wasn't the case and everyone was just in the backyard smoking. He joined them. The story continues, stay tuned...


Song of the Day : Bad & Boujee by Migos


Quote of the day : "Someone you haven't even met yet is wondering what it would be like to meet someone like you".

Year in Review: "There's never a wish better than this. When you only got 100 years to live"

The end of the year is a time when I become a little self absorbed. I start doing my year and review and trying to learn from mistakes as well as imprint the moments in my mind. This way when my grandbaby asks me what it was like to be 21 in 2016, I can answer with a clear mindset.

1. I started 2016 in a Gold sparkly dress. It wasn't silent, but it stood out and I think that the dress shaped my year. My twitter background was gold sequins, and I was really feeling it. I didn't want to sit by and watch life pass me by. I wanted to shine. Like each little piece of glitter on that gold dress.

2. I applied to a lot of programs and ultimately ended up back in pharmacy school at the University of Kansas. It was my dream, and I made it happen. Finished my semester with an okay GPA, but I'm not on academic probation. That's what matters. I put a lot of time into my sororities new members and their process. I feel like my GPA will improve when that stress has been taken away next semester.

3. Speaking of Delta, I became chapter president Fall '16. I got to travel to Wichita with Aneesah to experience her first regional conference. We planned Pizza and Politics as well as Delta week in the spring. The event I will always be most proud of is the Valiant Violets Banquet. I also really enjoyed planning Violets Against Violence and the Dear White People program. I was also extremely frustrated with the entire sorority thing at times. I had my feelings hurt by a lot of sorority sisters. I had to pick some over others. I pulled away from others at times. I finally found forgiveness towards the end of the year, but I still refuse to be disrespected or talked down to.

3b. There was the fun night in VIP with Chris Harris and the good Rho Eta Bruhz. Loved it. Most of the good moments were the ones without a majority of the people.

4. I attended a lot of really good services at Morning Star Church and drifted away from the episcopal church I grew up in a little. The services there were not speaking to my heart. I was also hurt by when I approached the preacher about raising money after my dear teachers passing, he denied us the opportunity. I got tired of singing songs that don't move me and waking up one hour early to do it. Both churches have ended up being a blessing to me. I look forward to continuing the new year at Morning Star Church though.

5. I took a spring break trip to Houston Texas with my sorority sisters that was god awful. This was at the peak of their everyone wants to be a cheater movement. It was gross and I did not enjoy it. We weren't in a hotel, and I'm bougie. The highlight of the trip was enjoying the Galveston beach with Breonna. There wasn't white sand or clear water, but I still loved the waves brushing up on me. The quote that matters is  "Life is a beach. I'm just playing in the sand" - Lil Wayne

6. I found my childhood poem. It warmed my own heart. "Love is something you can never give up. It's something you just now (know) and that it will go on for the rest of your life. And you now (know) you can never live without them, and you're really lucky if you have that. The end." <3 p="">
7. I met Mario Chalmers at the club. Ayyye.

8. My evil ex the omega man came back. I chased him once. We reconnected a couple times and it was weird. We're definitely not a match.

9. I attended the Big XII Conference on Black Student Government and it was amazing. I went to a lot of sessions that broadened my mind about social action and just life in general. We talked about how birds of a feather flock together. This lead to a discussion on the importance of surrounding yourself with people who have the same goal and are just as motivated as you. We did a discussion on the old and new Willie Lynch letter and how many current companies profited from slavery. We talked about the Black Livse Matter movement and police brutality. It was a beautiful part of my year. I even got to resume build and attend for free as catering chair.

10. Drake released VIEWS and it changed me. Rob Kardashian proposed to Blac Chyna, and she was indeed pregnant. They got their own spin off show that filled the void of Kim retreating from the public eye. Janet Jackson cancelled my concert, so she could have a baby of fifty years old. I'm happy for her, but sad for myself. Kobe Bryant played his last game. The baby fell in the cage and we got Harambe.

11. I got to be back stage at a Future concert again, because the Freebandz crew loves me. The KU Basketball team was also there. No big deal, but YES!! Big Deal. I also went to a Tinashe concert because Breonna wanted me to.

12. SUMMER SIXTEEN tour. No words. Just all love.

13. KCGP weekend. We stayed at a really nice hotel for a couple of days, and I loved it. There was fine dining. Lots of friends. I needed that weekend after everything that happened with bae of the year right before.

14. My mom and I are a lot closer. I love my mama. We took a trip to my cousin's wedding in Fayetteville, and I finally visited North Carolina. It was not at all what I envisioned. The first work I would use to describe it is dirty. I don't think life in the south is for me.

15. Went to the beautiful wedding in Seattle. Enjoyed every second of it. It was beautifully arranged and the bride and groom were so happy. It made me believe in love again. I also enjoyed spending time with family.

16. I went to see Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dog with Sarah, and Snoop did Drop it Like It's Hot which was amazing. I also really enjoyed Wiz Khalifa's Ass Drop performance. Jhene Aiko and Kevin Gates were there as well and I grew fonder of their movement. I don't want to remember how much smoke was involved. I have never been around that many people openly smoking an illegal substance. Thank goodness the concert was outside and none of the security team members were professionals.

17. I started watching Parenthood and it changed my life. Definitely one of those shows that makes a big impact on you. You really feel what the characters are going through and start to understand what life as a parent is like. I can't wait to be a mama someday. Still. Lets hope I'm not still saying I can't wait ten years from now and I actually am one.

17. I was able to reconnect with two of my old high school friends. It was great to know that the love is still there and they are two people I can count on. I was really excited to hear about all the progress they've made in the short period of time we hadn't been communicating.

18. I got to visit Atlanta with my family. Our first day of touring started at CNN Center. We got to take photos with the CNN sign and enter the dining area there. There were flags from all different countries and we could see the rooms where all the recording is done. We couldn't take a tour, because they were closed for the day. We also went to Coca-Cola World, the Jimmy Carter Center, and the Martin Luther King National Historic Site.

19. I met  a man who changed my world. CJIII. I don't know if next year will bring us closer together or force me to realize that our time has to come to an end at some point or another. I hope that it brings us closer together and he maintains a permanent place in my life. I think I love this man.

19. Me Before You became my favorite movie. I think I watched it 6-7 times this year, but it wasn't enough. I loved the soundtrack.

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away. This year to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special"

Where am I? I think the focus should be on there here and now. It is 12/22/2016 at 9:30 am. I am sitting at the front desk of the student housing office hoping no one emails or calls. It's three days before Christmas, and I'm still grumpy AF.

Education

It all started with a really tough finals week. I survived and got decent grades, but a lot of my finals were on the fine line of boosting me to a better grade. I was one point away from an A in my law & ethics course, and two points away from a B in pharmacology. I tried to act like I don't care and push it out of my mind, but it sucked.

Love 

In the last two months, I met two great guys. They weren't my usual sucky contenders. There was A who is a Kappa at a nearby school. We exchanged numbers then barely talked. He's still doing little things to continue expressing interest but interest without action is dead. That phrase can also apply to the man I'm in pharmacy school with that's the most logical contender. We are both in professional school, both black, and I have a connection of sorts to his mother. He's from California (where I can see myself living someday). But low and behold, I could not keep his attention. And I'm tired. I refuse to chase either one of them or give some pathetic speech about the qualities I have that they should appreciate.

I met a third guy through tinder who's not nearly as great. He just got out of an eight year relationship. He also lost all his money from the lifestyle him and this woman maintained. He's much older and has a pretty formal job, but no college education. He's interested in working towards certifications that will advance him in his career. His strong suits are definitely drive and vision. But he too sucks. He initially texted every day, but I should have known it wouldn't end well. We both wanted two very different things out of love and life. I expressed that I'm interested in a serious relationship and he expressed that he is not interested in that at the moment. We agreed to still enjoy each others company despite these differences, but I think it's coming to an end now.

My old work is ever present in my life. Over Thanksgiving break me and my Omega Boo went to the mall together for black Friday shopping. We started rebuilding our friendship when I wished him a Happy Founders Day in November. I have to look back at old texts to see how this really happened and we ended up in the same room again. (20 seconds later...) Found it! He had invited me to go out to a VIP club event the night of Thanksgiving with him and his line brother. I agreed to go, because my mother, brother, and father had to work most of Thanksgiving this year. Since he couldn't go home to be with his family, it seemed perfect. His line brother didn't end up having the event he had told us about, so we spoke the next morning. Hanging out was still something we both wanted to do. I told him I was going to the mall and asked if he wanted to come with. That's when he told me that he no longer has a car. I expect these kind of tragedies from him, because the poor guy can't seem to get a break.

When I arrived, he got in the car and we started catching up bit by bit. He ended up getting evicted from his previous home. The home was under his name, so it negatively effected his credit. He bought a bike after not having a car, then ended up getting in a bike accident the day of his Founder's Day. The bike no longer works and all he got from the guy was $20.00. It was a lot of unfortunate events, but he's used to this lifestyle. It didn't seem to phase him too much. At least not in front of me. We walked into a lot of different stores. He bought us popcorn from topsy's. The whole time I couldn't tell if it was a date or not. At the end he made it clear and DTR'd. He wanted to get five guys before we left. The cashier assumed we were together and tried to take my order immediately after his. He acted like he was going to pay then gave me a weird look (so weird that I can't describe it. It wasn't being sheepish. It wasn't rude. It was just weird, but I can still see it in me head). He followed up by stating that I was just going to "make him pay" even though we're just friends. I hate poor mentalities. My pockets were nearly empty, but I wasn't going to let him get away with feeling used or taken advantage of. I gave him the money he asked for and the rest of the evening was awkward. We argued a lot about my driving and he irritated me. He ended up getting out of the car quickly and not inviting me up. We small talked for a couple days after, but that was that. We just continue confirming the fact that we don't belong together.

While we're still talking about irrelevant people, my rebound Haitian guy from this summer found love in the sun. After being MIA for months, he posted his WCW. She's a drop dead gorgeous light skinned girl. It shouldn't have hurt me, but it did. I know I'm not like that girl appearance wise and he upgraded me. Ugh.

Finally the man that means love to me. The one that made the most significant impact of the year. The one that I want. I waited all December 16th for my birthday wish from him. It was the one person who really mattered. Midnight found me at the movie theater watching Collateral Beauty starring Will Smith and the surprisingly funny Helen Mirren. I checked my phone soon after and there was no message from the one that matters. I did the most for his birthday. I attempted to send a card from here to Afghanistan and it didn't make it in time. In fact, I'm pretty sure it got lost in the mail or withheld from him. Anyways, the point is that I worked really hard to acknowledge his birthday and make him feel special. Then he went and missed mine. This is the perfect expression of my problems in love and life. I work so hard and try to make things perfect for people who never cared in the first place. Above and beyond translates to "you're doing too much" , and I never receive the same treatment in return. I try to remind myself that I wasn't doing it for anything in return, but am I so wrong for wanting him to love me that way I love him? Just this once or maybe for a lifetime.

He ended up wishing me a happy birthday three days after my actual birthday. That sparked the beginning of a conversation that's still going now. Here's to hoping it never dies. I want him so bad. I could go on and on about why I like him or why he matters. But I don't want to jinx it. I also don't believe that him and I will be together. I feel like I'm just a place holder until he finds a model type woman like my Haitian guy did.

I'm also sick and tired of this girl who just got in her first relationship continuously posting about how great it is and sending out advice like she wasn't in the same shoes a year ago.  It's an additional, unnecessary downer.

Body

I just had a piece of skin removed from my chest. It's getting tested, and I'm praying that it's no big deal. Hopefully the testing will give them a good mechanism for treating it. So I can finally be free of how uncomfortable its made me. 

I also gained 20 pounds since July. All I can say is I hate me. 

Song of the day : Last Christmas 

Quote of the day : "Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."

Top Songs of 2016

1. Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin : In my head, starting off the list with this song is controversial. It was not released in 2016, and it's a gospel song. This forces me to assume that a majority of people really don't know this song. But this song defined my year. I started to imagine myself and what I could be. This song lead to many tears and many moments of empowerment. It was my go to song. It speaks for itself : "Imagine me being strong and not letting people break me down, you won't get my joy this time around". I fought to keep my joy this year despite obstacles and people who attempted to take it from me.

2. Sunday Candy by Chance the Rapper : It was Chance's year musically and outside of the music industry. I get chills thinking about him marching all those black people from inner city Chicago to the polls for one of the most important elections of our time.  The song is not technically by Chance the Rapper. It's by a group coined Donnie Trumpet & The Social Experiment. I loved that he didn't force publicity and accreditation for this work. He's an individual whose talent moves mountains. The hook "You gotta move slowly. Take and eat my body like it's holy. I've been waiting for you for this whole week. I've been praying for you, you're my Sunday candy"

3. Too Good by Drake ft. Rihanna: In 2016, I fell in love. Just one time with one man and this song explained the struggles of dating in our century. The two artists together were magic. If Chance was the artist of the year, then Drake and Rihanna were the couple of the year. They were beautiful together musically and aesthetically. I had the pleasure of going to the Summer 16 Tour and seeing this song as well as many others performed live. Definitely one of my best memories of the year.

4. Work by Rihanna ft. Drake : When this song came in at the club I was lit. The Jamaican vibes were everything and everyone wanted to show that their hips don't lie. The fondest memory I have dancing to this song was either at the wedding I attending in Seattle or after celebrating one of my sorority sisters birthdays at the Cave. Play it, and I promise i'll start dancing. Even if it's just a little bit.

5. Sorry by Beyonce : "So what will you say at my funeral now that you've killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead. Rest in peace, my true love, who I took for granted... Her heaven will be a love without betrayal. Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks". Does anything else need to be said? It couldn't be more raw and real. Add the visuals and Serena Williams and it's done. I didn't buy it, because I'm petty and haven't been supporting Beyonce for awhile now. But even I couldn't ignore Lemonade.

6. Redemption by Drake : Speaking of raw, Redemption. This piece was absolutely beautiful. Classic drake took the words straight from my heart and the hearts of this generation. "Please give me time, cause I'm searching for these words to say to you", "Not having closure it takes a lot out of me. This year for Christmas, I just want apologies", "I gave your nickname to someone else", "I miss the feeling of you missing me". I felt all these things so many times this year and of course Drake felt them too. Anyone who claims Drake was not involved in the artistry of VIEWS should listen to this song and shut up, because no one else makes music like this.

7. No Problems by Chance the Rapper ft. Lil Wayne & 2 Chainz) : Like I said, it's Chance's year. This song was fun in all settings. I sang along to it more times than I can count in the car and everyone got hype when they played it at brothers. Lil Wayne was featured on the hit and it makes so much sense. He's had problems with Young Money for quite awhile now, so it was clear his verse came from the heart. It was also nice to hear from the Weezy F. Baby after a loooooong time.


8. For Free by DJ Khalid ft. Drake : The beats on this DJ Khalid album was crazy. He got famous for his crazy snapchats and I can honestly say that I didn't watch a single one. "Major Key" and "They didn't what him to (   ) , but he did it anyway" will be phrases that really stick out about this year. He made an impact and it was a great dancing song. I was clearly into shaking my butt allllllllll summer sixteen.

9. Controlla by Drake : I tried to keep this from becoming a Drake list, but I don't know how not to. Putting luv in front of Controlla would be a crime against humanity. Making it number nine is a crime against humanity. Putting it after for free is a crime against humanity. Maybe I should just push it up to number one. Ahhh.

10. Luv by Tory Lanez : 2016 was just the year of Jamaican vibes. That's all I was really listening to. This song was the perfect fit for that vibe.

11. Come and See Me by Drake ft. PARTYNEXTDOOR : This was the year that I finally got into partnextdoor. I knew his name and knew that he was signed to OVO. I understood that he was soulful and understood love and heartbreak. This is the song from the album that stood out the most. "Things change, people change, feelings change too. Never thought the circumstances would have changed you".

12. Exchange by Bryson Tiller : This years love songs were just so real. This is another one that hits home and really describes our generation. That's part of the reason I hated it. Bryson is praying "Lord, please save her for me" and saying "I hope she's waiting for me". She shouldn't have to wait for you. You should just man up and be what she needs.

13. All on You by Nick Fradiani : I have been looking for this sound for quite some time. It's sort of a mix between an Ed Sheeran sound and a boy band sound. Not too slow. Enthusiastic guitar. If this genre were a person, it would be Nick Jonas. While the songs he released about "put some bacon on it" were far from good, this ones a hit. The blame really should be placed on the other person when all you wanted to do was love them. #BitterNewNick&ITogether

14. Unsteady by X Ambassadors : This song was so beautiful that I'm listening to it for the millionth time this year and still getting shivers. I heard it for the first time at Encore (the Free State High School pop music extravaganza). It was a trio who sang it beautifully, but I didn't bother to look it up after. Then this song appeared on the trailer for the best. movie. ever. aka Me Before You.

15. Cold Water by Justin Bieber : I completed the initial list without this piece and it was crazy. I don't know where my head was. But this song is so good that I'm willing to take the time to renumber all the other pieces in the list. You're welcome.

16. Not Nice by PARTYNEXTDOOR : Another Jamaican hit. Loved it!

17. Black Beatles by Rae Sremmurd : At one point this fall, everyone did the mannequin challenge. It was relevant enough that this song had to make the top 15. It's a rap hit. Definitely doesn't pull at our emotional strings at all, but the beat and everything else that went into the song makes it irresistible and impossible not to sing along to.

18. I Hate You, I Love You by gnash. One line completely sums up my love for this song "I'm always tired but never of you".

19. Better Man by Little Big Town : The words for this song were written by Taylor Swift and it's beautiful. It just really hits home for me. I hope it's not one of those songs I appreciate for five minutes. But I'm sure everyone can relate wishing that special guy was a better man. More worthy of the title and love that you pour into them. I hope 2017 is better on this end and the men are up to par.

20. Closer by the Chainsmokers : I learned half the lyrics to this song incorrectly, but it topped the charts for weeks and weeks. "We ain't never getting older" just means so much more than it used to. At 22 I realize that the youthful days of clubbing and that kind of thing are slowly ending. Suddenly I'm not the youngest woman in the room anymore. It's weird. This song just describes the desire to be young, wild, and free well.

21. Rather Be by Clean Bandit : This was one of my favorite pop singles of the year. It kind of gave me EDM vibes, but I didn't mind it. The chorus makes you just want to start jumping up and down.The words hit home too.

22. Caroline by Anime : When I was walking to school feeling cute, the song that I wanted to set the mood was Caroline. It just makes you feel like a "bad thing. fine as hell". No ones on your level. I think of it as a runway song. You can twirl, it has a slow beat, and a guy I very briefly talked to used it for his women in stroll like a kappa.

23. Budapest by George Ezra : I really liked this song. I have no idea other black people considered it weird until I played it at a sorority event. The room felt so uncomfortable and our big, jerk of an adviser kept making fun of it. She pleaded with me to "change the station" play some "normal" music and in that moments she broke my heart. Because Budapest is normal, and you can't bury me in the same box that you reside in.

24. Cheap Thrills by Sia ft. Sean Paul  : I said it three times, but i'll say it again, Caribbean vibes ruled 2016. & Sean Paul made a comeback!!!

25. Treat You Better by Shawn Mendes : Y'all are tired of hearing me talk about how heartbroken I was the entire second half of 2016. Listen to the song. You'll get it.

26. Wicked by Future : I loved this song every time I went out. I just couldn't figure out what Future was saying. I thought it was more of a sound effect like "wao wao wao wao way", but it was actually Wicked the entire time. I got to hear it live two times, because I got it like that. The first time was exclusively back stage with the KU Basketball team. I told you I got it like that.


Top Country Songs of MY Year : 
1. Amen by Hunter Hayes
2. A Little Bit Stronger by Sarah Evans
3. Perfect Storm by Brad Paisley : "She's so complicated that's the way God made her. Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane". Me. Me. Me. Brad may be singing about his wife, but he was probably singing about me.
4. She's Everything by Brad Paisley : I got on this Brad Paisley kick after getting to see him live in concert at the football stadium. I went all by my lonesome. It wasn't as fun as it could have been if I wasn't by myself, but I learned to be more independent.
5. Break Up In a Small Town by Sam Hunt : He knows our lives! This is really what it's like in a small town.
6. Ordinary Girl by Hannah Montana : Discovered this song when studying with a friend who is no longer in pharmacy school. I feel like an ordinary goal a majority of the time and she got it so right. A quote, so you know where I'm coming from.
7. Somebody Like You by Kieth Urban : I love it! I love it! I love it!

"Sometimes I'm lazy, I get bored. I get scarred; I feel ignored. I feel happy, I get silly. I choke on my own words. I have wishes. I have dreams and I still want to believe : anything can happen in this world for an ordinary girl"

Honorable Mention That's Not Country 

1. Que Sera Sera by Doris Day : My mama suggested this song to me at just the right song. I have a whole blog post about the importance of it.

2. Can't Keep My Eyes Off You by Lauren Hill : People love her and I never really got thought about her past Sister Act 2. But this song was beautiful. In love with this version. It was suggested by my work family.

3. Unpretty by TLC : This song was a suggestion from my soror for our Valient Violets banquet. It was one of my greatest achievements in the sorority. I was beyond proud of it and this song motivated me during that time. Helped me build my confidence.