This post is special for many reasons. This post is special, because it's the first blog post coming from my iPad. I've had this iPad for about 2 weeks now, but after the first day I didn't really use it for everything. It just sat and looked absolutely lovely on my desk. It's engraved with my full name, and the quote "Hope is the Beartbeat of the Soul" is on there. I wish I could say that that quote held some type of significance, but I didn't know that you could get your iPad engraved for free at the time. I purchased it with my dad who knows way more about technology than I ever will. He of course was rushing me and said that the quote was irrelevant. I wanted the bible verse "All things come together for good for those who love The Lord" on there, but that was too many characters. So I looked up short quotes and went with the first one that sounded good. So when i'm doing homework and need encouragment, I'll look at my little quote for inspiration. Motivation to keep on keeping one,.
I've stopped trying in one area of my life. At this point for the last two weeks, I pronounce my love life dead. I never had the most exciting romantic life or really any significant romantic encounters, but I was born the kind of person who is in love with the idea of love. As a christian, a majority of our religion is about loving one and other. My parents have been married for 23 years, and they make each other stronger each and every day. I always wanted a variation of what they have. So I spent years and years watching Disney movies and waiting for my happily ever after. So I went to junior high and people dated and fell in love, I didn't. Then I went to high school. Surly I'd at least have the little prom date romance from the movies, nope. College. This is my huge change to meet someone that I can build something with. Nope. I can't say it's been due to lack of trying. I've falled for a pretty large amount of men over the last few years. These men either have girlfriends or baby mothers, want to just hit it and quit it, or ddidn't make me feel the way I wantt to. I like fireworks, and falling head over heels crazy in love. Not just anyone can make you feel that way.
There others who sparked that feeling in me, but I just didn't do it for them. This blog used to pretty much be stories about a dude named Prince. Jr. High me thought the world started and ended with him. He could do no wrong. Everyone knows this story. I told him how I feel, and he didn't like me so it ended. Around four years later I finally see him again, and he acted so awkward. He refused to make conversation and went through extreme measures to avoid sitting next to me. It was quite silly and made me question myself. I asked, what did I do to make him feel so opposed to my presence? The answer was that I loved him, I supported his endevors too much and cared about him too much. My love was just too terrible . Do you see how messed up that is? My love will make a person take extreme measures to avoid those sentiments sparking again. This occasion led me to the realization that love is wasted on people of this sort. They don't deserve the love I have to give. I may not have the perfect body or a charming personality, but the love I have to give is real and pure. Worth someting. I've decided ito stop looking for someone to give it to. What a waste of someting so valuble. Now I'm going to love myself and love my family more than even Romeo loved Juliet. I'm not actively looking for romance anymore. So I've stopped using my Tinder and am over all the silly boys I used to enjoy creeping on before bed. I can go to walmart in the yoga pants that have a hole in them, because I'm not out here to impress anybody. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I can learn to be completely content this way. Just me, myself, and I.
song of the day: Am I Wrong by Nico & Vinz
Quote of the day: Hope is the Heartbeat of the Soul
About Me
- Forever yours, Mariam
- My name is Mariam and through this blog I'm discovering things about the world, and about myself. Through all my blogs you'll see craziness, political insight, celebrity mania, musical interest, total drama queen-ness,all about boys, and ever changing views on everything. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it. You're about read the pages of my epic diary. Welcome to my world, and feel free to come back ;)
Friday, August 15, 2014
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Top Songs of Summer 2014
The time has come for my annual song of the summer list. I hope you're excited, because I sure am.
1. Rude by Magic : Hot damn, this is my jam! I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this song. I heard it for the first time on the radio, and I had to figure out what it's called. My dad stopped listening to new music around 1990, so if we played music in the house that he enjoys it would be the classics. We listening to Lionel Richie, Michael Jackson, the greats. The greatest was Bob Marley. Both my parents are huge fans. I have a love or reggae. It's so soothing and upbeat. They talk about real subjects in a calm way. It was so refreshing to hear a song like this on the radio. Magic changed the game.
2. All About That Bass : So I'm in the middle of my own personal weight crisis. I weight more than I ever have, and I started going back to the gym. Trying to be healthier, but at the same time I'm eating a lot of cake and reading in big, warm comfy chairs which isn't exactly helping the cause. It's so fun to hear that song. I dance around to it in my room all the time. "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night" is lyrical genius.
3. Loyal by Chris Brown : Every time this song came on at a club or party I danced like there was no tomorrow. Chris Brown is bae, and he has been since he sang "excuse me miss, I saved the last dance for youuuu". He can beat up people, break cell phones, yell through windows, and tattoo every single inch of his body, but i'll always think of him as that sweet little boy. Young and sweet only 17. This song isn't like that, but it spoke to the issues of this generation. "These hoes ain't loyal". Male and female hoes
4. Show Me by Chris Brown & Kid Ink : Copy and paste what I said above. Chris Brown is bae. The songs are great and you want to dance like there's no tomorrow.
5. A Drop in the Ocean by Ron Pope : This is an old song with the most beautiful lyrics of all time. "A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather I was hoping that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert, but i'm holding you closer than most. Cause you are my heaven.." I love sad, beautiful, tragic, music about unrequited love.
6. Valarie by Amy Winehouse : I was always a fan of the late and great Amy Winehouse as a public figure, but like most people I only knew rehab. This song is so much fun. I like the remix done with the Matt Ronson bad, and it's fabulous. Listen to it while you're getting ready or driving with the top down (if you have the ability to drive with the top down, love your life and appreciate it)
7. Am I Wrong by Nico & Vinz : The guitar part of this song is phenomenal. I love the way he slaps the strings. It's great. I would break out in the lyrics, but I did that enough times this blog.
8. Sexy Back by Justin Timberake : Guys, I saw him live!! I got to finally see my childhood crush. I remember how much I admired him and Britney Spears and those cheesy matching denium outfits back in the days. Times have changed, but his music is still great. The artistic songs were great, but it was nice to ave some good old fashioned JT. He really did bring sexy back.
9. I Won by Future ft. Kanye West : I'm slowly letting go of my distaste for Ye. He really is a great lyrist, and I'm a Kim K fan. I just had to forgive him to enjoy KUWTK, but that's not the best part. The best part is Future. He's such a stud. It was great seeing him perform. I was right by the stage. He has an amazing voice, and I got to meet him. He stole my heart just a little.
10. Fancy by Iggy Azalea : Iggy is no Nicki and she never will be, but I love this song. I-G-G-Y
11. Problems by Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea : Her last name is just so fun to say. Anyways, this is a great song. A nice female version of Jay Zs 99 Problems. Men forget that there are 3 billion of them out there somewhere. So Amen to the message they're sending : I've got 99 problems, but you WON'T be one.
12. No Mediocre by TI : TI is one of my top five favorite rappers of all time. I like the way he wraps and the beats he chooses, and his reality show. I like his reality show a lot. But this song was great. A good way for him to return to the spotlight for a little bit.
13. One by Ed Sheeran : Ed has a beautiful voice and message to send out into the world. The British are just beautiful people in general. If you haven't heard this song, listen to it. It's a winner.
14. Main Chick by Chris Brown and Kid Ink : Please tell your lovers and friends that Kid Ink and Chris Brown had to do it again.
15. Stay With Me by Sam Smith : More beautiful music. The harmonies are one of a kind. This is a beautiful piece and another surprise on the charts. Songs like this don't often make it so high up.
16. Who Do You Love by YG : That was another club hit. I loved dancing to that all summer long.
17. Studio by SchoolboyQ : This song is so sweet. You don't hear tough rappers singing sweet songs like this very often, but that trumpet or whatever sound that is in the background makes is so sexy. Love it.
18. The Monster - Rihanna ft. Eminem : These two were a music match made in heaven. Their voices go so well together, and they've both been through so much. Each song is beautiful in the best way. I wish their tour was coming to where I live and pray those two will make an album together.
19. Paranoid by Ty$ : This song goes so hard. It's everything that's wrong with our generation, but I love it nonetheless. When it plays I can't help but dance and scream " both of my b----es drive rangggge rovers".
20. Home by Blake Shelton : I honestly don't know when this song came out, but it's beautiful. My dad gave it the stamp of approval and that rarely happens, so you know it's a good song. Those of you who refuse to listen to country are truly missing out. The lyrics are something you can't find in any other genre of music. Just pure, real, and true.
This list feels incomplete, but so do I right now. So ends the top songs of the summer. Enjoy them in the few weeks we have left. I know i'll be jamming to some of them for a lifetime.
1. Rude by Magic : Hot damn, this is my jam! I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this song. I heard it for the first time on the radio, and I had to figure out what it's called. My dad stopped listening to new music around 1990, so if we played music in the house that he enjoys it would be the classics. We listening to Lionel Richie, Michael Jackson, the greats. The greatest was Bob Marley. Both my parents are huge fans. I have a love or reggae. It's so soothing and upbeat. They talk about real subjects in a calm way. It was so refreshing to hear a song like this on the radio. Magic changed the game.
2. All About That Bass : So I'm in the middle of my own personal weight crisis. I weight more than I ever have, and I started going back to the gym. Trying to be healthier, but at the same time I'm eating a lot of cake and reading in big, warm comfy chairs which isn't exactly helping the cause. It's so fun to hear that song. I dance around to it in my room all the time. "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night" is lyrical genius.
3. Loyal by Chris Brown : Every time this song came on at a club or party I danced like there was no tomorrow. Chris Brown is bae, and he has been since he sang "excuse me miss, I saved the last dance for youuuu". He can beat up people, break cell phones, yell through windows, and tattoo every single inch of his body, but i'll always think of him as that sweet little boy. Young and sweet only 17. This song isn't like that, but it spoke to the issues of this generation. "These hoes ain't loyal". Male and female hoes
4. Show Me by Chris Brown & Kid Ink : Copy and paste what I said above. Chris Brown is bae. The songs are great and you want to dance like there's no tomorrow.
5. A Drop in the Ocean by Ron Pope : This is an old song with the most beautiful lyrics of all time. "A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather I was hoping that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert, but i'm holding you closer than most. Cause you are my heaven.." I love sad, beautiful, tragic, music about unrequited love.
6. Valarie by Amy Winehouse : I was always a fan of the late and great Amy Winehouse as a public figure, but like most people I only knew rehab. This song is so much fun. I like the remix done with the Matt Ronson bad, and it's fabulous. Listen to it while you're getting ready or driving with the top down (if you have the ability to drive with the top down, love your life and appreciate it)
7. Am I Wrong by Nico & Vinz : The guitar part of this song is phenomenal. I love the way he slaps the strings. It's great. I would break out in the lyrics, but I did that enough times this blog.
8. Sexy Back by Justin Timberake : Guys, I saw him live!! I got to finally see my childhood crush. I remember how much I admired him and Britney Spears and those cheesy matching denium outfits back in the days. Times have changed, but his music is still great. The artistic songs were great, but it was nice to ave some good old fashioned JT. He really did bring sexy back.
9. I Won by Future ft. Kanye West : I'm slowly letting go of my distaste for Ye. He really is a great lyrist, and I'm a Kim K fan. I just had to forgive him to enjoy KUWTK, but that's not the best part. The best part is Future. He's such a stud. It was great seeing him perform. I was right by the stage. He has an amazing voice, and I got to meet him. He stole my heart just a little.
10. Fancy by Iggy Azalea : Iggy is no Nicki and she never will be, but I love this song. I-G-G-Y
11. Problems by Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea : Her last name is just so fun to say. Anyways, this is a great song. A nice female version of Jay Zs 99 Problems. Men forget that there are 3 billion of them out there somewhere. So Amen to the message they're sending : I've got 99 problems, but you WON'T be one.
12. No Mediocre by TI : TI is one of my top five favorite rappers of all time. I like the way he wraps and the beats he chooses, and his reality show. I like his reality show a lot. But this song was great. A good way for him to return to the spotlight for a little bit.
13. One by Ed Sheeran : Ed has a beautiful voice and message to send out into the world. The British are just beautiful people in general. If you haven't heard this song, listen to it. It's a winner.
14. Main Chick by Chris Brown and Kid Ink : Please tell your lovers and friends that Kid Ink and Chris Brown had to do it again.
15. Stay With Me by Sam Smith : More beautiful music. The harmonies are one of a kind. This is a beautiful piece and another surprise on the charts. Songs like this don't often make it so high up.
16. Who Do You Love by YG : That was another club hit. I loved dancing to that all summer long.
17. Studio by SchoolboyQ : This song is so sweet. You don't hear tough rappers singing sweet songs like this very often, but that trumpet or whatever sound that is in the background makes is so sexy. Love it.
18. The Monster - Rihanna ft. Eminem : These two were a music match made in heaven. Their voices go so well together, and they've both been through so much. Each song is beautiful in the best way. I wish their tour was coming to where I live and pray those two will make an album together.
19. Paranoid by Ty$ : This song goes so hard. It's everything that's wrong with our generation, but I love it nonetheless. When it plays I can't help but dance and scream " both of my b----es drive rangggge rovers".
20. Home by Blake Shelton : I honestly don't know when this song came out, but it's beautiful. My dad gave it the stamp of approval and that rarely happens, so you know it's a good song. Those of you who refuse to listen to country are truly missing out. The lyrics are something you can't find in any other genre of music. Just pure, real, and true.
This list feels incomplete, but so do I right now. So ends the top songs of the summer. Enjoy them in the few weeks we have left. I know i'll be jamming to some of them for a lifetime.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
"Love me or hate me we will be boys, standing at the alter. Or we will run away to another galaxy" - *reggae music voice*
I promised to keep you updated, and I didn't. A million different things happened the last two months. I don't know where to begin. It wouldn't be fair if I didn't tell my faithful readers that I've done my fair share of things I'm not proud of. When I stared this blog, I was young, pure, naive, and so full of hope for the future. That's the best part of reading those old posts. Seeing my optimism. I still have it. Unfortunately, it's not contagious. I have these moments where I feel extremely excited or or ready to take a risk of a lifetime, and I don't have any one to do it with. When I finally felt comfortable making IVs at work, I couldn't help but spread my excitement. It also happened to be the same day I went to see the 20/20 experience, so I had that excitement as well. My coworker told me with the most serious expression on his face, "sometimes I think you're crazy". I didn't say it, but I thought to myself, "sometimes I think I'm crazy too". But that's the best side of me. The loose, free side. It's just hard to find people that understand that part. I've pretty much given up on that, convincing my friends to go on a Europe trip, and eating red velvet cake without gaining weight. Those are three things that just won't happen. Lack of complete understanding can make a girl pretty lonely at times. Lately, I start thinking of what i'll do if I end up alone because I'm too crazy, too fun, or never find the kind of spark I long for. Here's the list.
1. Logical Solutions : I'll finish my degree in pharmacy and throw myself into work without working too much. I'll keep myself busy like I do now by planning endless outings and keeping many friends so I always have something to do, shopping, concerts. You know the drill.
2. Scientific Solutions : I will hold out hope for finding my other half or just others to take that European adventure with me, and if it doesn't work I'll get...inseminated. Maybe the fact that these are thoughts I have in my head proves that I'm crazy. Who even thinks of doing stuff like that right? But then i'll have really cute half Indian, half African children as companions for at least 18 years.
3. Selflessly Selfish Solutions : Lately I've been thinking that I could see myself adopting in the future. A conversation from 8th grade has just always stuck with me. He had an adopted baby brother that he loved with his whole heart. His dad and step mom had been trying to adopt for a very long time, but they weren't successful, because the couldn't find a baby that looks like them. The child they did find ended up looking like the rest of the family, and they loved him wholeheartedly. I just always wondered if they would have loved him if he didn't look like them. I realized that it takes a lot of heart to do that kind of thing, and after contemplating for awhile I feel like I have the heart to do it. The first two possibilities were more jokes and dramatic thoughts than anything else, but this one is serious.
I've been thinking about the future a lot lately. I'm only nineteen, but I feel older than that. About half the people I went to high school with have had children, are married, or are in jail. Three very adult, very grown things. I'm not saying that's what I want for myself at this time, but I'm the same age as them. That's the place in life we're in, so of course I feel grown. I feel like I know what I want, and I want to find a way to achieve that. Right now my focus is on school of course, but I'm allowed to day dream and long for things. My parents still look at my like a child playing house, and I get the feeling they always will. I guess i'm figuring out things one step at at time. This post is just a compilation of random thoughts that have been running around my head. There really will be more to come.
Song of the day: Rude by Magic : I am absolutely obsessed with this song. I think it's time for my songs of the summer list.
quote of the day: The Future Belongs to Those Who Believe in The Beauty of Their Dreams
1. Logical Solutions : I'll finish my degree in pharmacy and throw myself into work without working too much. I'll keep myself busy like I do now by planning endless outings and keeping many friends so I always have something to do, shopping, concerts. You know the drill.
2. Scientific Solutions : I will hold out hope for finding my other half or just others to take that European adventure with me, and if it doesn't work I'll get...inseminated. Maybe the fact that these are thoughts I have in my head proves that I'm crazy. Who even thinks of doing stuff like that right? But then i'll have really cute half Indian, half African children as companions for at least 18 years.
3. Selflessly Selfish Solutions : Lately I've been thinking that I could see myself adopting in the future. A conversation from 8th grade has just always stuck with me. He had an adopted baby brother that he loved with his whole heart. His dad and step mom had been trying to adopt for a very long time, but they weren't successful, because the couldn't find a baby that looks like them. The child they did find ended up looking like the rest of the family, and they loved him wholeheartedly. I just always wondered if they would have loved him if he didn't look like them. I realized that it takes a lot of heart to do that kind of thing, and after contemplating for awhile I feel like I have the heart to do it. The first two possibilities were more jokes and dramatic thoughts than anything else, but this one is serious.
I've been thinking about the future a lot lately. I'm only nineteen, but I feel older than that. About half the people I went to high school with have had children, are married, or are in jail. Three very adult, very grown things. I'm not saying that's what I want for myself at this time, but I'm the same age as them. That's the place in life we're in, so of course I feel grown. I feel like I know what I want, and I want to find a way to achieve that. Right now my focus is on school of course, but I'm allowed to day dream and long for things. My parents still look at my like a child playing house, and I get the feeling they always will. I guess i'm figuring out things one step at at time. This post is just a compilation of random thoughts that have been running around my head. There really will be more to come.
Song of the day: Rude by Magic : I am absolutely obsessed with this song. I think it's time for my songs of the summer list.
quote of the day: The Future Belongs to Those Who Believe in The Beauty of Their Dreams
Friday, June 6, 2014
Fat Girls Wear Crop Tops Too : "We Ain't Picture Perfect, but We're Worth The Picture Still"
This past month I had the pleasure of spending 10 days in our nations beautiful capitol. I learned many things and made many realizations. The greatest realization didn't come from the Jefferson Memorial or hours spent admiring the beauty of the Smithsonian. It came on the streets of D.C. from the true natives. You ready for this? It's huge (no pun intended). Fat girls wear crop tops too. I know. Your mind is blown. Mine sure was. I live in a small Kansas town, and I can assure you that crop top wearing here is reserved for the young and dazzling. We all know the girl. Racially ambiguous, fat free with a slutty move or two. There aren't many bigger girls here in general. The ones that are hear don't make appearances outside or in club settings quite as much as the "bow down b-words" girl, and when they do it sure as hell isn't in a crop top. So what's the big deal? D.C. is an area where everyone feels confident and accepted. There are a wide variety of cultures and ethnic groups there. There also are a wide variety of shapes and sizes. Each and everyone walks with the confidence of the prettiest girl in the room. Confidence isn't rare in D.C. It's pouring out of every single person there, and that's a beautiful thing. I finally realized that confidence really is the missing link.
When you love yourself, other people find something in you to love as well. I met many friends of my cousin's, but the happiest by far was just another bigger girl in a crop top. She's in a relationship with a mature older man. He's very settled with a great career and has a lot of love to give. She's living the dream. Being wisked away to beaches for the day and being constantly pampered. It's cute. Yes, I realize there's more to relationships then random acts of affection, but she has it pretty good for a woman of our generation. He has a seven year old daughter, but let's overlook that and focus on the beaches. She got a pretty happy ending and that's more than enough for most of us.
I had a great conversation about love and relationships with one of my best friends yesterday. She has plans for an arranged marriage. I used to feel bad for her. She doesn't get an opportunity to fall in love the Disney princess way. Girl meets boy, and he changes her whole world. Seeing how stress free she was changed my view on the whole thing. She has no worries. I on the other hand have worries for days. Am I not fighting hard enough for the ones I feel that spark for? Should I accept the ones I don't feel anything for, because the "spark" isn't real? Most importantly, should I wear a crop top? The truth is meeting people is hard. Especially in a generation full of apps like tinder, and people who don't value love. People are perfectly content being the side chick or one of many someone talks to. Quite honestly my faith in the fairytale institution is shakier than ever. I don't know the answer to any of those questions now. I have a lot of prayer and contemplation to do. But as always, i'll keep you updated.
Song of the day: Beautiful by Musiq Soulchild
Quote of the day: "Beauty is about enhancing what you have. Let yourself shine through" - Janelle Monae
When you love yourself, other people find something in you to love as well. I met many friends of my cousin's, but the happiest by far was just another bigger girl in a crop top. She's in a relationship with a mature older man. He's very settled with a great career and has a lot of love to give. She's living the dream. Being wisked away to beaches for the day and being constantly pampered. It's cute. Yes, I realize there's more to relationships then random acts of affection, but she has it pretty good for a woman of our generation. He has a seven year old daughter, but let's overlook that and focus on the beaches. She got a pretty happy ending and that's more than enough for most of us.
I had a great conversation about love and relationships with one of my best friends yesterday. She has plans for an arranged marriage. I used to feel bad for her. She doesn't get an opportunity to fall in love the Disney princess way. Girl meets boy, and he changes her whole world. Seeing how stress free she was changed my view on the whole thing. She has no worries. I on the other hand have worries for days. Am I not fighting hard enough for the ones I feel that spark for? Should I accept the ones I don't feel anything for, because the "spark" isn't real? Most importantly, should I wear a crop top? The truth is meeting people is hard. Especially in a generation full of apps like tinder, and people who don't value love. People are perfectly content being the side chick or one of many someone talks to. Quite honestly my faith in the fairytale institution is shakier than ever. I don't know the answer to any of those questions now. I have a lot of prayer and contemplation to do. But as always, i'll keep you updated.
Song of the day: Beautiful by Musiq Soulchild
Quote of the day: "Beauty is about enhancing what you have. Let yourself shine through" - Janelle Monae
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
"I love me..I love me enough for the both of us. That's why you trust me. I know you've been through more than most of us. So what are you so afraid of...?"
Jhene Aiko's opening line in From Time was brilliant. That was my favorite song off of Drake's Nothing Was The Same Album. There was so much truth to it. Jhene Aiko is a confident, beautiful young lady. She gets a lot of negative comments from people about being a whore because she had a child at a young age and hangs out with Drake a lot. We all know about the girls Drake "funds". Deep down inside we all want to be them. Well, maybe that's just me. When I've had a long day of studying the horror that is Physiology, I listen to the language and think about how great it would be to be the girl that just wants to smoke and fuck. I don't do either of things, and the grass is always greener on the other side. In my head, it would all be so simple if I was that girl. It's thoughts like these that keep you from being the person you were meant to be.
I'm not Jhene Aiko. I fully accept that. I'm Me. I'm short, stubborn, outspoken, opinionated, focused, and semi-organized. I'm also kind, excitable, full of the joy of the lord, positive, empathetic, and musical. I play piano for the cutest youth choir in the country and sing in my church choir. Christian youth groups scare me, because everyone's like the Duggars and wants to marry each other after three weeks of holding hands. Concerts make my heart happy. I love the lights, huge crowds of people all singing the lyrics that we've laughed and cried to, and the excitement that comes with being in the presence of someone loved by so many. I haven't cried in a public place since the first grade, and I just completed my sophomore year of college. None of these are things you can tell just looking at me. After many conversations and reaching a certain level of comfort, we can get to that point.
I hate the wait. I wish I had a sign taped to my back that said all these things, so people knew who I was right away. No misinterpretations or questions. Just openness. It is nearly impossible to get to know people these days. At least back when facebook was hot, you could see people's favorite things after first liking them. Their statuses gave a little insight to their daily lives and there weren't filters. These days everyone only posts things that make it look like their living the glamorous life. No one is ugly. I repeat no one is ugly, because there is a filter for absolutely every pimple, blemish, or bad hair day you will ever have. Everyone's fake perfect and no one is willing to let their guard down long enough for you to see those imperfections. Those imperfections truly are what makes a person beautiful.
No one believes that, but its so true. I recently got to know a guy that I never really found intriguing or attractive. He uses filters just like everyone else and he was cute, but nothing special. Before we had a conversation. Hearing him talk about the little things and big things gave me insight to who he is. Without the filters and without the act. He's been non my mind ever since. Those things I found just okay or irrelevant before make him so special now, because I see how they came to be. If I hadn't given up on love, I'd jump on that. But that's a story for a different day. I guess what I'm trying to say is always find a way to let who you are shine through. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. It's the people who are real and true that you want in your life anyways, and they will love you for those imperfections you hide under the Valencia filter (I'm guilty of that one too).
Song of the day: Real & True - Miley Cyrus and Future
Quote of the day : "Imperfection is Beauty. Maddness is Genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring" - Ms. Marilyn Monroe
I'm not Jhene Aiko. I fully accept that. I'm Me. I'm short, stubborn, outspoken, opinionated, focused, and semi-organized. I'm also kind, excitable, full of the joy of the lord, positive, empathetic, and musical. I play piano for the cutest youth choir in the country and sing in my church choir. Christian youth groups scare me, because everyone's like the Duggars and wants to marry each other after three weeks of holding hands. Concerts make my heart happy. I love the lights, huge crowds of people all singing the lyrics that we've laughed and cried to, and the excitement that comes with being in the presence of someone loved by so many. I haven't cried in a public place since the first grade, and I just completed my sophomore year of college. None of these are things you can tell just looking at me. After many conversations and reaching a certain level of comfort, we can get to that point.
I hate the wait. I wish I had a sign taped to my back that said all these things, so people knew who I was right away. No misinterpretations or questions. Just openness. It is nearly impossible to get to know people these days. At least back when facebook was hot, you could see people's favorite things after first liking them. Their statuses gave a little insight to their daily lives and there weren't filters. These days everyone only posts things that make it look like their living the glamorous life. No one is ugly. I repeat no one is ugly, because there is a filter for absolutely every pimple, blemish, or bad hair day you will ever have. Everyone's fake perfect and no one is willing to let their guard down long enough for you to see those imperfections. Those imperfections truly are what makes a person beautiful.
No one believes that, but its so true. I recently got to know a guy that I never really found intriguing or attractive. He uses filters just like everyone else and he was cute, but nothing special. Before we had a conversation. Hearing him talk about the little things and big things gave me insight to who he is. Without the filters and without the act. He's been non my mind ever since. Those things I found just okay or irrelevant before make him so special now, because I see how they came to be. If I hadn't given up on love, I'd jump on that. But that's a story for a different day. I guess what I'm trying to say is always find a way to let who you are shine through. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. It's the people who are real and true that you want in your life anyways, and they will love you for those imperfections you hide under the Valencia filter (I'm guilty of that one too).
Song of the day: Real & True - Miley Cyrus and Future
Quote of the day : "Imperfection is Beauty. Maddness is Genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring" - Ms. Marilyn Monroe
"Who is that girl I see? Staring straight, back at me. When will my reflection show, who I am inside..."
Mulan was sort of a game changer for me. The year was 1998, and I was finally old enough to see movies in theaters. This was more convenient for my parents than it was for me. I got dragged to everything from How Stella Got Her Groove Back to Runnaway Bride and have fond memories of those 90s classics. My parents thought I couldn't understand...I could. But it made me a more mature, well rounded person. Once in awhile, I got to see movies I was interested. Mulan was one of them. I had so much admiration for Mulan. She wasn't a princess, but a warrior. She left her family, friends, and everything she knows to be something great. No one believed she could, but she was confident in the strength within. She got down and dirty with the boys and found her prince in the end. What a superwoman. Lets be honest, I didn't have those thoughts at four years old. I see these things now, but at the time I thought the cricket was funny and enjoyed the part where the chubby soldiar was forced to attempt to climb the pole. I was young, but I see all these things now. Also in the spirit on honesty, this blog post wasn't really supposed to be about the greatness of Mulan.
More the song Reflection which is a beautiful ballad by Christina Aguleria. Reflection along with Beautiful are two songs about self-empowerment that came out before it was cool to lift each other up. It was before the anti-bully movement and Demi Lovato's Stay Strong tattoo. They were songs meant to empower woman and encourage them to accept what's within instead of whats outside. I struggle with that. Everything about my personality and the way I behave is designed to hide what's within. There's nothing bad within. I'm extremely proud of the person I am. Like everyone else, I'm a work in progress. I see God moving mountains in my life each and every day, but his work isn't finished yet. It's easy for me to be content with what's outside. I can cough up $300 for a good weave, get myself some $7 falsies, the perfect manicure from the Asains on 6th street or $15-$30, and an outfit from Forever 21 for less than $40 (jewelry included). If I have an issue with my weight, I can go to the gym and eat less cake. It wouldn't be easy, but it's possible. Top it off with a little makeup and I'm a more beautiful version of myself. Am I Kim Kardashian? No, but its enough to get through the day ridicule free. Am I living a life I can't afford? Yes. Should I have to do all those things to feel good about my physical appearance? No, but once again this isn't what this post is about.
An insult about personality hurts much more than an insult to looks ever could. Your personality is who you are. It's what makes me different from every 5'2", first generation African American teenager in the world. I can't change who I am and hearing that that's not good enough for someone just hurts. Shortly after seeing Mulan in theaters, I went through one of the biggest life changes of my childhood. We moved from D.C. to the suberbs. I was no longer in classes filled with students who had immigrant parents like my own. Everyone spoke English, not Spanish. You couldn't order Chinese takeout from the lady who cooked the food in her home, and not everyone knew about Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation. It was a culture shock. That's when I first remember being quiet. I watched a home video the other day. I was a five year old who spoke English with an African accent and couldn't stop talking, but moving to Kansas silenced me. I think it was so different I didn't know how to react, so that's the approach I took. I didn't react. I stayed quiet for twelve years after that. Sure, I opened up to close friends and the few people that I interacted with. My cute little African accent went away, but my shyess never did.
My memory is pretty impeccable. I remember the first friend I made when I moved here. She is still once of my closest friends. I love her to death, but I didn't know what a lot of words meant. English was my first language, but I learned it from people who spoke it as a second language. I would ask her what she was talking about and she would tell me to "look it up!" with that elementary attitude. All of this played a part in silencing me. Diminishing my sparkle. It took a long time for me to get it back.
I knew that my reflection wasn't accurate. I've always known i'm not a shy, quiet girl. At home I talk more than everybody else. I'm wild and crazy. I'm passionate about absolutely everything and so strong in my opinions. After living like this for days upon days, I'm finally finding my way out of my shell. A journey I plan to share with you all in the next blog post.
Song of the day: Reflection by Christina Aguleria
Quote of the Day: "What lies before us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
More the song Reflection which is a beautiful ballad by Christina Aguleria. Reflection along with Beautiful are two songs about self-empowerment that came out before it was cool to lift each other up. It was before the anti-bully movement and Demi Lovato's Stay Strong tattoo. They were songs meant to empower woman and encourage them to accept what's within instead of whats outside. I struggle with that. Everything about my personality and the way I behave is designed to hide what's within. There's nothing bad within. I'm extremely proud of the person I am. Like everyone else, I'm a work in progress. I see God moving mountains in my life each and every day, but his work isn't finished yet. It's easy for me to be content with what's outside. I can cough up $300 for a good weave, get myself some $7 falsies, the perfect manicure from the Asains on 6th street or $15-$30, and an outfit from Forever 21 for less than $40 (jewelry included). If I have an issue with my weight, I can go to the gym and eat less cake. It wouldn't be easy, but it's possible. Top it off with a little makeup and I'm a more beautiful version of myself. Am I Kim Kardashian? No, but its enough to get through the day ridicule free. Am I living a life I can't afford? Yes. Should I have to do all those things to feel good about my physical appearance? No, but once again this isn't what this post is about.
An insult about personality hurts much more than an insult to looks ever could. Your personality is who you are. It's what makes me different from every 5'2", first generation African American teenager in the world. I can't change who I am and hearing that that's not good enough for someone just hurts. Shortly after seeing Mulan in theaters, I went through one of the biggest life changes of my childhood. We moved from D.C. to the suberbs. I was no longer in classes filled with students who had immigrant parents like my own. Everyone spoke English, not Spanish. You couldn't order Chinese takeout from the lady who cooked the food in her home, and not everyone knew about Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation. It was a culture shock. That's when I first remember being quiet. I watched a home video the other day. I was a five year old who spoke English with an African accent and couldn't stop talking, but moving to Kansas silenced me. I think it was so different I didn't know how to react, so that's the approach I took. I didn't react. I stayed quiet for twelve years after that. Sure, I opened up to close friends and the few people that I interacted with. My cute little African accent went away, but my shyess never did.
My memory is pretty impeccable. I remember the first friend I made when I moved here. She is still once of my closest friends. I love her to death, but I didn't know what a lot of words meant. English was my first language, but I learned it from people who spoke it as a second language. I would ask her what she was talking about and she would tell me to "look it up!" with that elementary attitude. All of this played a part in silencing me. Diminishing my sparkle. It took a long time for me to get it back.
I knew that my reflection wasn't accurate. I've always known i'm not a shy, quiet girl. At home I talk more than everybody else. I'm wild and crazy. I'm passionate about absolutely everything and so strong in my opinions. After living like this for days upon days, I'm finally finding my way out of my shell. A journey I plan to share with you all in the next blog post.
Song of the day: Reflection by Christina Aguleria
Quote of the Day: "What lies before us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Monday, March 24, 2014
"God made my mold different from the rest, then he broke that mold so I know I'm blessed"
This blog has followed my journey through life for the past six years. My best friend suggested that I do it, and I had a lot of free time. I started documenting all of my junior high adventures. In the last six years I did everything from meet Trey Songz to travel to Dubai. I met new friends, lost old ones, and my most recent accomplishment is one that means all that and more to me. Last month, I got my acceptance letter to pharmacy school. I was in my African studies class when my cousin texted me saying there was a letter at home from the school of pharmacy. I was shocked, because I wasn't supposed to hear back until early April. I had just attended the Campus convention which is a day of great pharmacy related lectures and networking. I figured that the letter was either a survey questioning on my experiences there or a decline letter, because of how early I got it. Either way, I had to know. I power walked to my car and sped home. Being late to chemistry lab was the least of my concerns. I specifically remember having the thought that if I didn't get in, I didn't have to go to chemistry lab anyways. That part of my life would end.
I didn't realize how much I'd been enjoying my time in college until having to attend a different school was a possibility. I thought about how I would miss lunches in the underground, waiting in terribly long lines before basketball games, and the mountains and valleys I had to get through to go from my car to class every morning. I would miss the parties where I danced with strangers and encountered future NBA players. All of this was running through my head as I drove home. When I finally got there, I took a deep breath and opened the envelope. The first line was CONGRATULATIONS! and that was all I needed to see. (I did read the remainder of the letter later on).
The emotions I went through seeing that letter and going through the application period were indescribable. I've known I wanted to be a pharmacist since junior high. Something drew me into the profession. I've always had an interest in the health care industry, and I knew that I had to do good for my family. I have some of the smartest parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins a girl could ask for. Not all of them got the opportunity that I have to better themselves. I've been blessed with this opportunity and I couldn't be more grateful for an opportunity to do it for myself and to do it for them as well. Most people born in low income households stay in that position. Its a very tough situation to rise out of, and I managed to do that. I have four years of challenging coursework followed by a possible residency, but I have faith that with God's help I will graduate and practice for the rest of my life.
2014 is the year that I turn twenty. I'm going to leave my teen years behind and begin the period of life where I graduate, get my first career, get married, and have a baby...or four. I might read this and laugh later on, because my life takes a different direction, but I hope I'm right about most of it. I know my 20s won't be without challenges, but I'm excited to start this journey. To grow up and expand my independence. It's a very exciting time in my life, and it didn't feel right to let it pass without blogging. I've done it for every single up and down, so this one should be no different. Here's to new beginnings: to me, to you, and everyone else trying to make their dreams come true.
Song of the Day: The Man by Aloe Blacc & Do It by Myyko Montana
Quote of the Day: "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I didn't realize how much I'd been enjoying my time in college until having to attend a different school was a possibility. I thought about how I would miss lunches in the underground, waiting in terribly long lines before basketball games, and the mountains and valleys I had to get through to go from my car to class every morning. I would miss the parties where I danced with strangers and encountered future NBA players. All of this was running through my head as I drove home. When I finally got there, I took a deep breath and opened the envelope. The first line was CONGRATULATIONS! and that was all I needed to see. (I did read the remainder of the letter later on).
The emotions I went through seeing that letter and going through the application period were indescribable. I've known I wanted to be a pharmacist since junior high. Something drew me into the profession. I've always had an interest in the health care industry, and I knew that I had to do good for my family. I have some of the smartest parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins a girl could ask for. Not all of them got the opportunity that I have to better themselves. I've been blessed with this opportunity and I couldn't be more grateful for an opportunity to do it for myself and to do it for them as well. Most people born in low income households stay in that position. Its a very tough situation to rise out of, and I managed to do that. I have four years of challenging coursework followed by a possible residency, but I have faith that with God's help I will graduate and practice for the rest of my life.
2014 is the year that I turn twenty. I'm going to leave my teen years behind and begin the period of life where I graduate, get my first career, get married, and have a baby...or four. I might read this and laugh later on, because my life takes a different direction, but I hope I'm right about most of it. I know my 20s won't be without challenges, but I'm excited to start this journey. To grow up and expand my independence. It's a very exciting time in my life, and it didn't feel right to let it pass without blogging. I've done it for every single up and down, so this one should be no different. Here's to new beginnings: to me, to you, and everyone else trying to make their dreams come true.
Song of the Day: The Man by Aloe Blacc & Do It by Myyko Montana
Quote of the Day: "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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