"Sometimes I'm lazy I get bored. I get scared; I feel ignored"

I'm in a relationship, but continue to feel alone. There is truth to what people say about having to be whole within before you pursue something with someone else. I met my boyfriend during what was the beginning of a new me. December was when I had stopped talking to everyone I was serious about the previous year. I was having extremely casual conversations with some men in greek life and guys I met on app. I was finally not trying to go crazy with my hair and make up. I was natural a majority of the time. I was just me. But honestly, a couple weeks probably wasn't enough time to become as healthy as I needed to be for all the problems that came our way.

Yesterday, the child was born. The child that may or may not be his. Believe it or not, that caused nothing but problems. I thought we had until the 29th before all of this became a reality but life doesn't work like that. I was upset, because my boyfriend was 20 minutes late picking me up from school. He had claimed he was "on the way" way before that so I sent him a test that said "the lie detector test determined, that is a lieeee". In my mind I was thinking of Maury and Jerry Springer when I sent it to him but didn't realize our real life Jerry Springer episode had begun. He said, "I may not have passed that test, but I passed another one?". I asked, "did you pass your driving test?". He said "No". I asked "which test?" and he said "this one" and showed me a picture. The picture was of a tiny baby that the girl who tried to burn the bathroom down in 7th grade had. This girl is who my boyfriend was fucking right before me. According to him, the baby was white and had blond eye brown hairs which means that it could not be him. I couldn't find the blond eye brow hairs in the picture. I sent it to my cousin, and she couldn't either. In that moment, I really wished I had my old friend back because we could have examined the picture for hours and determined whether there were similarities or not. But she is going through a lot of drama of her own also involving babies. Plus I don't feel like talking to her about my life. All that it would do is prove that she was right about everything. That I settled for less and would deal with the consequences of settling if I stayed in this relationship.

The possibly good news is that the mother of the child did not contact him to tell him she was going into labor or to tell him that the child had been born. She also blocked him from Facebook so that he couldn't see her page. This girl has an extremely low IQ and is immature. It's possible that she just didn't want to have the difficult conversation with him. The one where she would explain that the baby is not his and she's known the entire time based on when they last had sexual intercourse. I just want the whole thing to be over. I've wanted it to be over for a long time now. The only way for it to really be over is for him to take a paternity test and for the results to be negative. He called the local hospital and they said he would have to schedule a paternity test. The results would not come in for 4 weeks. His friend told him it could be longer than that. He wants me to let him handle it. A majority of how he plans to handle it involves him getting to win against his mother and his sister. That's all he really cares about. Revenge against them. I can't really understand, because I was blessed with a mother who has shown me nothing but love.

In the midst of all of this was a lot of fighting between my boyfriend and I. Lots and lots of fighting. He still sees me being upset by the situation and wanting him to take a paternity test as me not trusting him and thinking the baby is his. I think that me not thinking the baby is his AND not thinking the baby isn't him is the smartest thing to do at this point because we don't really don't. If you ask me, babies don't really look like anyway. They're all cute and pinkish. Just because the baby is lighter than they would have expected it to be doesn't mean anything. I trash talked the women, and he got upset saying that I was really just mad that they had sex. He got upset because I ask too many questions and can't let things go. All he wants to do is stop talking about it. How the hell do you stop talking about the fact that you might be a father? That there's a little girl with a ratchet name and mama that might be stuck to you for the next 18 years. To make matters better, the girl is homeless and her mother is homeless as well. The mother was kicked out of her apartment. These people live the bottom of the barrel lifestyle.  A kind of poor I know I'll never have to know (In Jesus Name. Money come to me now). He still refuses to talk about it. I'm sitting in a room with him right now. He's eating cereal and playing NBA 2K. He literally gets mad at me for talking. Often. He doesn't want to talk. He also doesn't want to cuddle as much as I do. I want to cuddle every day and not just in bed. I feel like cuddling should happen often. I want kisses and hugs and so many things that he gives but not often. He doesn't need any of those things.

Don't even get me started on how far in debt I am because of this man. My life is bad. I can easily see leaving and finding someone who has more money and is uglier. Then they would be more grateful to have me and wouldn't always silence me. Maybe they would try to give me the things that I want and say I need. I just don't have that with him. When I remember the decent times I want to stick with it. I still feel in love with him. Maybe men just suck and this is as good as it gets. At least he wants to commit to me and wants a monogamous relationship with me. I haven't had anyone else want that before. I'm also extremely fat now so that minimizes the people that would come my way anyway. So basically, life is a big pile of shit. That's all. Pray for me or don't.

Song of the day : Ordinary Girl by Hannah Montanna

quote of the day : Most importantly love like it's the only thing you know how. At the end of the day, all of this means nothing. This page. Where you're sitting. Your degree. Your job. The money. Nothing even matters except love and human connection. Who you loved and how deeply you loved them. How you touched the people around you and how much you gave them.

"People got, they got me questioning : where is the love?"

Feelings, emotions, the work. All of that is what I bring and pour out here. I'm happy in a relationship. Really happy. My boyfriend makes me happy when skies are grey. We've almost been together for a year and overcome every hurdle you could ever imagine. The things that I for sure thought would break us didn't. It gave us a strong, loving relationship that I thank God for. He's my everything. The cream to my oreo cookie. The frosting to my cupcake. My light in the darkness. The only one I never get tired of spending time with. The person I love waking up and falling asleep next to. My everything. I'm so happy I found him. With feelings of love as much as these comes a protective side that I could have never imagined. I don't want him to get hurt or messed with by other people at all. I know what he's already been through and the thought of him going through more breaks my heart. What sucks about this particular situation are the people I feel I have to protect him from are his own family members. Family is everything to me. I have a pretty tight nit family with my parents, brother, aunt and uncle. There are lots of cousins that are basically family. All my aunts and uncles are people I can be real with. They know me and love me just the way I am. I understand that this kind of relationship is hard to find anywhere else. You only get one family and those are the people you want to be with. Because that feeling is something everyone needs. Not to mention the holidays are coming up. I know he wants to be with them for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I would love for him to feel like my family is his family, but I can tell that thats just not there yet. He isn't extremely comfortable around any of my family members. It also doesn't help that we're African. There will be no dirty rice or stuffing at our Thanksgiving dinner. He'll be lucky if there is macaroni and cheese or mashed potatoes.

When I think about holidays and things like that, it becomes clear that he needs them. I get it. But every time he trusts them or lets them in, even when he thinks they're not the enemy...they become that. They prove him wrong. He breaks because it hurts more when the one who hurt you is the one that is close to you. His brother recently stepped back in to his life. He claimed that he wasn't associating with his other family members either, but I knew in my soul that that was a lie. I had the opportunity to let it play out and make him learn from himself, but everythings on facebook. I couldn't help but get the answers I need. Within the first post, it was clear that he still had a relationship with them. Because his family members are the kind of people that put everything on social media, it's easy to see what they're up to. I decided to send him what I saw, but have mixed feelings about it. Maybe I was wrong for doing that. Maybe I should have let him try it and find out what it really is for himself. Maybe I should have just not said anything and he could go on building a delusional relationship with his brother but at least feel like he has family or someone he can lean on close by. He hasn't responded to my message, and I am incredibly worried that I interfered with family stuff that was none of my business. But I would want someone to do that for me. Make me see the obvious. I lost a friend the same way trying to make her see these things about her baby daddy. Now I don't say anything. I saw that he was in town and don't know if she knows, but just didn't say anything. I let it be. I build a lot of friendships and relationships because I'm a good listener and here all the stories. But then knowing all this stuff makes me protective of them. I just don't want to cross the line or appear to be the women keeping a man from his family.

He got invited to his nieces birthday party. He wants to go. Do I want him to go? No, because his other evil family members who talk behind his back and smile at his face will be there. Also because his family members haven't said the nicest things to me. They've hurt my feelings to the point of me crying plenty of times before. There are also at least 2 women my boyfriend has sex with on the invite list. Both will likely come, because it's rare they get invited to anything at all. We should really say 2 and counting, because he was with his fair share of people before me. I just don't feel comfortable around those, excuse my language, bitches. But I would never keep him from it. I would give him a ride and help him pick out a present. His niece is the high end of what I think is the perfect age groups with little girls. They start to appreciate purses, lip glosses, and Claire's club stuff while still loving dolls and everything that makes kids kids. So if he goes, I get to pick the gift and wrap it. I will definitely be praying over the entire situation. Thank goodness for an opportunity to put my thoughts into the world. This blog gives me life.