"Know That Chick on Part One I Told Y'all I Was Creeping With? Said She's Three Months Pregnant and She's Keeping It.

I have a lot of thoughts in my head and no one to share them with. That's one of the biggest problems I'm facing now. I have my boyfriend, who I do talk about almost everything with. The problem is talking to him about him leaves me confused. I'm plagued with the whole idea that he has a baby on the way. He continues to insist that he doesn't, but I know men. Men let you down. If he didn't let me down, i'll know that he's a real keeper. I'll feel silly for being so skeptical and not wearing my heart completely on my sleeve. But if he lied and it is his child, I'll at least not fall so far into shock. If you've read my previous posts (especially about Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union), you would know that I don't like cheating. I hate it. I also don't like the idea of having someone else's kids as a part of my life unless it's through adoption. The reason I don't like this idea is because then the mother of that child has to be in my life too. I don't want to sign up for that. I'm a jealous individual and would not like the interaction between my man and his baby mama. Especially the baby mama that my man supposedly has. I've thought she was trash since middle school. Not the kind of person I want in my family.

My boyfriend insists that it's not his baby. He insists this based on a couple different factors. 1. Explicit details about the sex they had. 2. The fact that he tried to have a baby in the past and didn't succeed. 3. The fact that he smokes a lot, so his sperm count should have been low (this excuse in completely invalid. Every pot head I know has a child). 4. The last time the had sex was on Christmas Eve and the baby isn't due until October 29th. That is over nine months. Even when you calculate pregnancy as 40 weeks instead of 37 weeks, it's not his baby (Yes, I did the math.). It just sucks that I won't have a definite answer until the baby is actually born. That's two more months of this whole ordeal lingering in the back of my mind. It's hurting my relationship, because it's only added to my already extreme trust issues. I bring up the baby, it's mother, and hypothetical situations all the time. I have made it clear that if the baby is his, I am leaving him. That also hurts him because it means that my love isn't fully unconditional. He said that if I was having a baby with someone else, he would stick with me. He wouldn't care for the baby financially or emotionally, but he would still love me just the same. It's beautiful, but I'm not going to go out and cheat and have a baby with someone else. To his defense, I don't think he will either. I'm 80%...okay 75% sure that the child isn't his. I feel like it was likely conceived while he was in jail at the end of January which would mean he's not the father.

I have had this conversation with my friend group. The closest women to me right now. Unfortunately, it is rare that all four of us can get together so each of them has heard bits and pieces of the story. It's hard for me not to think they're judging me, because I'm judging me for being in a situation like this in the first place. Even being involved with people who would make someone think that a child is someone elses. It's ratchet. Everyone belongs on Maury and that's the comment that one of my friends made. That he should take this whole thing to Maury. Translation : "Your life is ratchet now and I think it's a joke". Believe it or not, the comment didn't hurt me. It just reminded me why I can't be so open about everything. It's hard not having someone that I can tell everything to. I like talking about men and relationships. I think any of my close friends would be there to listen to me if I were to completely break down. I know that SJC will see this, so I guess in a way I'm talking to her. I think I'm going to start blogging more to get everything out of my head. This has been my best form of free therapy over the years and will continue to be. If you all want to put a ratchet prayer out there for me, "Pray that the only person that brings my boyfriends children into the world is me, when we're married" Amen.

"I Could Use a Love Song; That Takes Me Back, Just Like That When It Comes On"

I needed a mental health break and didn't really know where to turn. So I turned to you, my beautiful diary. The keeper of many of my secrets. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to a lot. I have my boyfriend, but jail has made him really quiet. He just doesn't talk as much and there are other things that he just can't talk about, because he's not a woman. I also can't talk about him with him. Things that are on my mind.

1. That bitch and her baby. That's how I feel about it. There's a girl who has gotten together with my boyfriends family and claimed that she is pregnant with his child. According to his calculations, the last time they had sexual intercourse was Christmas Eve. Our anniversary is on New Years Eve, so you can tell that he didn't take much time between me and the other girl. The women's due date is October 29th and they insist that there is a possibility that my boyfriend is the father of her child. Scientifically, it doesn't work out. There's no way his sperm lived an entire month then impregnated her. But there is also the possibility that Christmas even wasn't the last time they had sex and he cheated on me. That's what's been plaguing me. He's upset that I don't fully trust him. He's also upset that I bring it up so much, so I decided to stop mentioning it. I don't know if he's noticed or not.

2. I've done a lot for him, so it's hard for me not to hold that over his head. When he was in jail, I answered almost every phone call. Even if I was at work or in class. I would step aside to make sure he had my undivided attention. Now he's out and uses work as an excuse to not text back or call. I get that it's a relatively valid excuse, but I feel jipped. It makes me think that I love him more than he loves me. He also hates that I hold things I've done for him over his head, but it's hard for me not to. I've done more for him than i've ever done for any other human being in my life. I just want some of that back.

3. Finances. My boyfriend is responsible for $6000 in restitution. That is not small amount. He has two years to pay that off. If he doesn't pay it or misses a monthly payment, it's a done deal. He'll go back to jail. That's a really scary thought for me. I don't ever want to picture him going to jail. I also feel bad that he has to work so hard and for such long hours. He has two jobs right now and hates every second of it. I think there's a good chance that he's going to quit one of the jobs today. He's only been working at both places for 2 weeks. That was all it took for him to be over it which kind of disappoint me. I want him to be motivated and want to get everything paid off, so we can work towards other goals and his personal advances. But at the same time, i've never worked fast food. He makes it seem horrible and his feet come back full of blisters and it's extremely painful. I decided to just let him do him and try to stay out of his finances as much as possible. At the same time I have desires too. I want to get taken on nice dates and get nice things bought for me. He isn't in the position to do that and it's not ideal. It's always someday with him and the someday just hasn't come yet.

4. I have baby fever. It is an extremely serious case. I want a baby and it suddenly feels like everyone is pregnant. So many people in my life are having a baby. A lot of them didn't want one, but I did! I always have. I'm in graduate school and on academic probation (another cause of serious stress). So a baby isn't the best idea. I'm on birth control, but don't like the things it does to my body. My period is like 5 days late now. I took a test and unfortunately didn't get pregnant on accident. But it bothers me that my period hasn't come. It has always been like clockwork for me. Having to wait for it and it not coming on time has been no bueno.

5. Losing a friend is still a concept I haven't fully wrapped my mind around, because it doesn't happen all that often. She's the person that I would have wined to about all these things. My other friends just don't care or the conversation never goes to a deep enough level for me to admit that i'm in love, but it isn't all sunshine and roses. I've been able to at a couple points this summer, but it's not the same. I have realized that healthy friendship are not extremely open. It's better that way, because then unsolicited opinions won't hurt your feelings. The friendship basically doesn't stand a chance, so I need to accept that it's over. She blows me off and I keep reaching out. It's sick. I'm not Gretchin Weiners. I'm Regina George.

6. My hair and nails. Always an object of stress. I just want enough money to get them both done as often as I need to again. Why is life so hard?

7. Today was the day of the big eclipse. I didn't buy into the commotion until around Friday or Saturday. On Sunday after work, I went to quite a few stores in order to look for the special glasses. They were all sold out. That's when I realized that this was a huge deal. I didn't get any so realized I would just have to watch it online or something. When I arrived at work Monday morning, I found out that the building next door was giving out free ones. What a blessing! I went and got the glasses. The full eclipse was going to occur at the same time as my first class of my second year of pharmacy school. I didn't want to be that girl, but then I was. I was all set to skip the first few minutes of class for this once in a lifetime experience. I ended up seeing absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. It was cloudy where I live, so the clouds covered the whole thing up. It got dark for a little while, but I'll be honest with you. It didn't phase me. I haven't experienced darkness in the afternoon before, but I've experienced darkness, so it was no big deal. Bleh. I won't care to try to see it in 2024. It was a waste of time and energy. I'm mad I didn't see anything.

That's the end of my rant for today. I'm so glad I got to vent.

Song of the Day :  I Could Use A Love Song by Maren Morris

Quote of the Day : "If you can't figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking"