"And The World Thought I Had It All, But I Was Waiting For You"

I'm really excited to be able to make follow up blogs. I never used to do these, because I was practicing insanity. I would complain about things on here, and never really do anything to change them. On Sunday 5/24/2015, I stopped practicing insanity. For the first time since prince not so charming forever ago, I chased a man. I met him at a banquet, and he looks quite handsome in grey. We sat next to each other during the program and had a wonderful time. One thing led to another, and I didn't get the chance to really say goodbye. Hes been on my mind ever since. Fear kept me from saying anything to him, or seeing if he felt the same way. Well, I contacted him and believe it or not he felt something too. We have plans to hang out now. We'll see how it goes. Fingers crossed this is the first step of something beautiful between him and I, and the end of me practicing insanity. If you want different results, you've got to do something differently. If I didn't get it before, I do now. Think Different.

Quote of the Moment : Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. - Steve Jobs

"Let the rain come down and wash away my tears. Let it fill my soul and drown my fears. Let it shatter the walls for a new sun. A new day has come"

Today I learned that Insanity is defined by the late and great Albert Einstein as, "Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results." Finally I had a word to describe my fearful self: crazy. I know I can't be the only one who struggles with this type of insanity. I live in a box of rules I created for myself. Some of these rules were inspired by my parents. Some were inspired by friends I admired or friends who made mistakes that I could learn from. Others came from my religion, and those often came with confusion. Are those rules unecissary, because the old testement has been cleared away by the words of the new testement? Does that make everyone who shares my faith and choses to participate in those things anyways sinners? The first few rules that pop in my head are :

1. Donate. I try and stop to give to homeless people, earthquake victims, children's miracle network, and anything un-animal related as often as possible. Why not animals? Well, I personally don't believe in funding a dog home or sweater when there's people in the world that don't have clean water yet. It seems like those priorities are all wrong.

2. Avoid yelling and ratchet behavior. I've never fought someone and I never will. I don't get angry. Ever. Do I get frustrated? Yes. Especially when people take advantage of me or attempt to minimize the accomplishments in my life. But I suffer through it, because this is a life rule I have for myself.

3. Never cry in public. That is the ultimate sign of weakness. I have stuck by this one since the first grade, but I'm slowly learning that it's okay if someone sees me cry. It started with my parents and my brother, and now a couple cousins have seen me cry as well. The world did not crash or burn.

4. Being brutally honest with myself, because if I'm not who will be?

5. Avoiding things I consider imoral: tattoos, drugs, alcahol, meangingless sex. Basically anythign that could get you in a rock n roll band must be avoided. I can't go to rockfest.

Honestly, the list could go on and on. But these are the kind of rules I have for myself. I don't even have to think about it anymore. Their engrained in my life and I just live that way. Even when they have failed me, I have stuck to my rules. Partly because change is scary. Partly because they support my fear of failure and rejection. Partly because I was convinced they worked for everyone else.

You know when your mom asked, "If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?". It was a very good question and a lesson I finally learned this week. Two people that I've been admiring this week completely surprised me. The first is the Duggar family. I've been obsessed with their show 19 Kids and Counting, because they are living proof that you can be a good christian girl and find love and happiness. Yes, its rare and only happens to dirty blond girls in arkansas, but I still hung on to the hope that if it happened to them it could happen to me. Little did I know that the oldest Duggar child molested five girls in his teens. His family covered up from him and made sure he didn't have to do jail time or have serious consequences. He didn't even deny the store. It's terrible, because this means that the family wasn't as perfect as I thought they were. They've made huge mistakes themselves and they sell the lie to people like me on television. I haven't watched the show since finding out what happened. It lost it's magic.

The second huge surprise came from one of my closest friends. After contemplating it, I realized that although we're close in age shes been a role model as well as a friend this entire time. She finally opened up to me about some things we'd never talked about, and I was really surprised to see this side of her. I always put her in this perfect people category, and I was so glad that she was finally able to share her struggles with me. All of these things made me realize no matter how many rules you set for yourself, you will never be perfect. Jesus Christ was the only perfect being. Now I'm at a crossroads in deciding weather I want to still strive to be as perfect as possible OR except that I'm going to make mistakes and live life as fully as possible. When I decide, I'll let you all know. Adios for now loves.

Quote of the day : "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein

Song of the day : A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion

You Don't Get Another Chance. Life Is No Nintendo Game.

For the first time in my life, I feel completely alone. I have no where to go. No one to turn to. I've reached a dead end. Rock bottom. I have a failed. I am a loser. These are the thoughts that have been running through my head ever since I finished my last final of the semester. I needed an A in order to finish with a B in the class, and I didn't not accomplish that. I needed to get a good GPA to remain in my program, and I don't believe I accomplished that either. Sooner rather than later, I will be dismissed from my program. Everything I've worked so hard for will be gone.

I was in junior high when I decided I wanted to be a pharmacist. I was a little girl dreaming of a Mercades Benz. Growing up that was the symbol of unahievable for me. My father has always wanted a Benz and has never been able to afford one. People who went to college and got jobs that resulted in big paychecks got to drive Mercades Benz's. I wanted to shop at American Eagle and the $30 price tags were out of my families budget. I was tired of not being able to afford things and decided that I would find a way to get that big paycheck and remove myself from my current situation. I would never look at price tags, and my dad would drive a Benz. Pharmacy was the way to do that. I excelled in school and did everything right in order to end up where I need to be. I put everything I have into achieving that goal.

Pharmacy school has been difficult. It required complete focus, and I just wasn't able to do that. The timing was wrong. This year I became the social butterfly that I never was. I joined a sorority, and it opened a wide variety of doors for me. I was finally meeting people and having fun. Making the kid of memories young girls are supposed to make at college. I guess I got lost in this new world and forgot that I've never been "that girl". The one that gets the best of both worlds and gets to have these experiences. I forgot that I wasn't in school for just me, but my family. I needed this change for myself and all of them. I forgot that you don't get another chance, life is no nintendo game. I snuck into clubs I wasn't old enough to go to, and hung out in dorms with attractive football players with girlfriends. I wore crop tops and strolled through parties. I thought I won, but I really lost.

Those football players who I wasted time with had tutors and people to help them. Their majors were not pharmacy, and they had the time to hang out. I didn't. An entire year of buying expensive weaves and perfecting my make ups in hopes that "someone great" would find me desirable and loveable, was a waste. I'm not the pretty girl that gets the guy. I've always known that deep down inside, but society tells you not to give up. The princess kissed the frog and the underdog always wins. This underdog didn't win. I didn't win, because I don't drink and get tipsy enough to make mistakes. I didn't win because I can't flirt to save my life. I didn't win, because I'm not ready to give up my purity to someone who can't even pronounce my name. I lost.

My sorority sisters who I texted all day and spent so much time with, passed their classes. They achieved their goals and strived in their programs. They will graduate and achieve their dreams, I will not. They succeeded in attracting the athletes, frat boys, VIP party types, and even the one boy I wanted more than anything in the world. They got what it is I gave everything that matters and that's important to me up. I didn't. In a year they will all go on to achieve great things in life, and leave me right where I started. Square one. No job, no education, no money, no man, no success.

My friends who were good and always led me towards success are not a factor in this story. They too will graduate and achieve great things very shortly, but they always kept me on the track to success. When it was just us, I always strived. It feels wrong not to include them in this.

It hurts to be in this position. It hurts to disappoint so many people. It hurts that I disappointed myself. It hurt that out of all these people in my life, I have no one to turn to. I'm embarassed. I don't want to tell anyone what I'm going through. In the midst of my continuous crying and the mourning of my dream, I texted my line sister and called my aunt. Both were great sources of encouragement, but I still can't help but feel the immense weight of my failures.

It hurts that I prayed, so hard and God didn't deliver me from this particular obstacle. For one of the first times in my life, I didn't get an answer to my prayer. I feel like I did when I lose my cousin and sweet friend. I don't understand. The holy word says that with the faith of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain. That those who trust in the LORD, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. I am not soaring. I watch everyone else in my life live in sin. Literally everyone. And things are going good and well for them. I'm the one who's not live life to the fullest, because of my fear of hell and fear of losing. Because the word says that those who follow his commandments will see the fruit of their labors. I got nothing.

My story doesn't end here. As my aunt kept reminding me, this is a death of a dream. Not the end of my life. I will appeal the dismissal when it comes. If they chose not to let me in their program, I will find a new program. I won't have the cushion of my scholarships anymore because most of them are up in four years. I won't have a job anymore, because I was hired on the basis of being a student intern. I won't have school friends anymore, because they'll all have graduated. I'll learn to be alone.

Who know's what's next for me? I spent my evening dwelling on the Invictus poem. Now that I'm at rock bottom, the only place I can go is up.

Poem of the Day :

Out of the night that covers me,

      Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

      I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

      Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

      How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

      I am the captain of my soul.