"People fall in love in mysterious ways. Maybe just a touch of the hand. Me I fall in love with you every single day. I just want to show you I am..."

It's January 23rd, and I still haven't written my New Years Resolutions. I spent my New Years Eve  at Ass Jamz. It's pretty much just as ratchet as it sounds. It's held in an older venue in Downtown Lawrence, and once a month the DJS play Ass Jamz. Songs like Practice by Drake, Grind With Me by Pretty Ricky, Ass Drop by Wiz Khalifa (my personal workout song of the week) etc. I don't twerk. I don't think I'm very good at it. Like, no one has ever complained. Most men don't really care how great you are at it as long as your hands are on your knees and you're into it. But one, at twenty years old I feel like I'm done with the twerking portion of my life. Two, it's just plain nasty. You're with a completely random hot and sweaty stranger, and once your done he asks for your number. There's usually no "hi, how are you?", but instead a "come thru?" I have too much self respect for myself to "Come thru", and the fact that these people don't see that in me makes me feel like there's no point in ever speaking again. Three, Amber Rose and Blacc China are out here killing the twerking game. If you're not a beast like them, have several seats and let the pros do it. That's how I feel anyways. So I'm in here with all these ratchet people. The confetti and balloons have fallen, the countdown has happened, and the first song I heard in 2015 was Lifestyle by Rich Homie Quan. It was a beautiful  moment, and I was surrounded by some of my oldest, closest, friends. This random man walks up to me and asks, "What's your New Years Resolution?" I say, "I'm just trying to survive". He goes, "Damn, are people shooting at you or something?" And I say, "Yeah, you could say that." He of course walks away cause his crazy bitch radar has gone off, and there's no turning back.

Am I a crazy B word? No, not really. I really looked back at that conversation though, and it was very significant. Are people really shooting at me with guns? No, thank God. I do feel like the world is shooting at me. The weight of pharmacy school is heavy, and I have to carry that load on my own. No one can help me with that. This semester has to go flawlessly or else I have to rethink my major and plan for my life. My heart is in this career path and my mind doesn't want to have to figure it all out again or deal with disappointing so many people. It's my main focus, and it's shooting me down. A little part of me dies every time I take a break to watch the Bachelor or do something with a friend, because I know that thats time I should be putting into studying. Greek life has been beautiful, fun, and brought me a lot of joy. With that joy comes great stress. Some of it is dumb stress, like having my strolls on point before the next party. Other stress is serious, Managing to go to all these retreat and programs while working many hours. It's shooting me down. Working a job that has no vacation time or sick days is shooting me down, because it just sucks. Friends are shooting me down, because for the first time in my life I need them for a thing or two and they continue to disappoint me. It's not their fault I have such high expectations, but I do and it sucks when they don't meet them.

Last but not least the desire to love and be loved is killing me as well. We live in a society that emphasizes the importance of romantic love. The whole package. Physical, emotional, and mental connections with a fine man who has a great job, great car, and even better smile. Mr. Perfect who just doesn't exist in todays society. I promise if he looks right he has a couple babies and a couple baby mamas, a cheating problem, or a crush on your line sister. These things are unavoidable. They of course won't be upfront about it. They'll lead you on and get you used to having someone who cares for you around, then disappear as soon as it's convenient for them. Boo hoo, sad story *Drake Voice*.

It's all of these things combined that make me unoptomistic for 2015 despite the great things that have already happened this year. I feel like I get excited about something and the world decides that it doesn't need to be in my life. I wake up thinking about failure. It's terrible. I still fall asleep and have great dreams about rich, luxurious lifestyles and trips to Italy. But I wake up most mornings thinking about failure and people who let me down. I've always found peace in my faith, but I'm really struggling with it. Remember that job with no vacation days or sick leave? It also requires me to work every sunday. Church has been pretty much removed from my life. I still listen to K-Love in the car, but it's hard for me to be content. I listen to all these songs about how it's okay to be down and empty, because Gods love is what fills us. It just seems unfair that some people don't have to be down and empty and can still have God. They live these blessed, rich lives and God. The perfect balance. Seeing people like that makes it hard for me to be content with just having God and it kills me inside to say this out loud (or on paper), because God is great. He in omnipotent and all powerful. The best kind of love you can have. It should be enough and I shouldn't need anything more, but that's just not the case. I still want more. At the same time, I'm scared to want more because when I publicly proclaim or desire something, I don't seem to get it.

This my friends is why I'm scared to write down a short list of resolutions for the new year. It's because I feel like writing them down or speaking them in my heart will just lead to the dream being stolen or not played out, because of my unbelievable bad luck. This my friends is why it's been 23 days and I'm still scared to make resolutions. If I expect nothing, I can't be disappointed.

Song of the Day : Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran (Such a pretty song. I'm in love with Ed Sheeran and everything he has to say. This is the perfect song to make you believe in fairytale love again or to cry to when you realize the fairytale just isn't a reality in the 21st century.

Quote of the Day : "Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase" - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

"There are places I remember. All my life though some have changed. Some forever not for better. Some have gone and some remain..."

2014 has officially ended. 365 days went by like nothing. I distinctively remember December 31st, 2013. My life was completely different. I was worried about totally different things, and I was a completely different person. Last year I had beautiful New Years Resolutions. If you scroll down far enough, you'll find them but a simplified, less beautiful version is :

1. Grow in my relationship with God : I've always been a christian, and I've always had a strong faith. I'm glad to say that didn't change in 2014. I finally dove into my bible. I read all of John, Luke, and 3/4 of Matthew. I'm embarrassed to say I didn't accomplish my goal of reading the four books of the gospel. Half way through the year, I quit. My new job prevented me from going to bible studies once a week. These things don't make me any less of a christian, but not being as active in those things was a downfall. I saw its effects in other aspects of my life. 

2. To let go, and let be : I have had a worrying problem for most of my life. For the longest time I thought it was anxiety, but whenever I seeked help from it they said that my symptoms did not resemble those of someone who clinically has a problem with anxiety. They told me that maybe I shouldn't drink 2% milk, and it would "calm me down". That's definitely the dumbest piece of advice I got. I gained a lot of confidence in 2014 and that helped me worry less. I'm proud to say that my anxiety problem has completely disappeared.

3. Social fearlessness : I'm there. Joining a sorority was really good for me for many reasons, but it's the reason I accomplished this goal. My probate was the scariest day of my life. I spent my first two years of college being really lowkey. I needed to be. I've always had to work to get money for school and study hard to accomplish my goals. There was no time for "just chilling", so when I did it just felt awkward. I was out of my comfort zone. But being in a sorority forces you to talk to all kinds of people. You gain thousands of sisters that you are forced to be open with. There's the bruhz who are inevitably a part of your life and everyone else that loves and admires your organization. My social life was on fire in 2014. I didn't wait in line to get into a venue. Free tickets to all kinds of athletic games.  I had hosts calling me and asking why I wasn't at a party as if it wouldn't go on without my presence. It's been surreal, but I've truly enjoyed it. It's like my own personal Emancipation of Mimi. 

4. To give my advice, point of view, without being judgmental : Proud to say I accomplished this one too. I am steady in my beliefs and my values are engraved in my heart. I was raised well. In previous years, its been hard for me to give advice without trying to get others to think like me. Again, my sorority helped with this. I have three completely different line sisters that I love with all my heart. They opened my eyes to many things. They changed my point of view. They showed me ways that my thinking was flawed. I'm still strong in my beliefs, but I have dropped my judgmental behaviors and learned to see things from someone elses point of view. 

5. Focusing on myself not men : Well, that didn't really happen. I did focus on myself and do a lot of great things, but I still continued to instagram stalk, got jealous of other girls with men I'm interested in, and let a couple hurt me. This is something I will continue to work on. 

6. Expressing positive feelings more providing words of encouragement to those close to me : I did this in 2014. I'm not the most emotional person, so I previously wasn't the best at complimenting people and telling them that I appreciate their presence in my life. I did that way more this year. It was great. I think people really appreciated hearing those things from me. I plan to continue. 

7. Less Selfishness and more selflessness : Yes and no. It's hard not to be selfish. School is about bettering myself, work is about making money for myself. My life is about me. I did make an effort to volunteer more this semester, and supported my little nieces who have struggling single moms. That was really enriching, but I can stand to do more of that in my day to day life.

8. Lose as much weight as possible : I gained five pounds and don't want to talk about it. Just know I lost two of the five pounds and will continue this journey.

That covered my progress on the eight goals I made for myself in 2014. It was truly a life changing year. I reached the highest height when I made strides of my lifelong dream by being accepted into pharmacy school. I was truly surprised by how lonely I felt there, how difficult it was, and how small I felt compared to the geniuses I'm surrounded by on a day to day basis. They're literally working on cures for cancer and diabetes. I am working on finishing season 10 of Grey's Anatomy, and believe me its been a struggle. Spent all month watching 15 min increments of the episodes. You see how I differ from the others? Pharmacy school was difficult educationally and in my personal life.

In other areas, I more than just survived. I strived.  I found my voice. I've written lots of blog posts about losing my voice and living a shy life. I was amazed when I was watching Maya Angelou on Oprah's Masterclass. She talked about losing her own voice and how she felt when she found it. I totally related! This year I felt confident. I talked more and laughed louder, and it felt nice. Some people liked the person I was and some didn't, but it was great. My dad didn't like it. My parents played a huge part in me being quiet. They're old fashioned and believe women should be sweet and quiet. Not stupid, unbelievably intelligent. But quiet. They see it as a form of being humble or something. All of this is besides the point. The point is that I was brave. I strolled through parties like the devastating diva I am. I got to spend all kinds of time with "locally famous" people. I haven't waited in a line since April. I enter clubs in VIP entrances. None of this matters because I live in a tiny town in Lawrence, Kansas, but it still felt nice. All of this played a huge role in my new found confidence.

2014 was beautiful, but 2015 will be better. Just wait on it.

Song of the day : In My Life by the Beatles

Quote of the Day : "Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one." - Brad Paisley