"Do you know I dumped your husband, girlfriend? I'm not thinking bout him, but you married him"

College friendships are difficult. I know what you're thinking. It's only difficult if you make it that way, but it is. In this college period of time, some of my friendships have gotten way stronger and others have sort of deteriorated. I've always had a different kind of friendship with everyone I was friends with. I have friends that I cry with, the ones that have common interests and are fun to do things with, the ones who I never have to see - texting all the way, and the ones that just aren't easy.

Most everyone's busy with school and such, so you can't expect the communication to be daily. I've kept up communication with a lot of people despite the distance, but when you haven't heard from someone there's that disconnect there. I lived an entire 4 months that you don't know about. How could I possibly catch you up on everything? Does that mean we're not friends anymore? Am I lazy for not making the effort the whole time. Are they mad at you for not communicating? Who really knows.

Somewhere along the line, I apparently got the rep as the judgmental friend. Not exactly a title i'm embracing with open arms. Because I've chosen to live my life the way I have, people automatically feel self conscious about their choices if they don't match up with mine. I feel like it's more their guilt then my pointing it out. I'm not trying to be some perfect person by making the decisions I am. I'm just trying to make sure that I get what I'm here to do. A college degree. I hope that I make some fabulous memories along the way. Just not the kind some people are interested in making.

I personally prefer if people a real with me. If I ask for advice, I want the real answer. That's what I think friends are for. I can get anyone to lie to me about what my hair looks like or weather I stand a chance with the guy at the club. A friend will tell you when you're trying it or you need to get your life. Tamar Braxton style. When I need to take several seats, I like having people in my life that will tell me to do that. Keep me humble and give me that reality check. In case you didn't catch the Tamar reference :

Watch Braxton Family Values. It's hilarious and a darn good time. Anyways, so I like friends who tell it like it is, but some people don't. They feel like it's stepping outside of that very fine line. That's what I'm realizing. Some people just want the support through rain and shine. That's what I'm going to try and be more of the time. I still don't think I'm judgmental though. As far as choices people make, I've always viewed it as your decision. I can't jump in someones head to figure out how they feel, so who am I to tell you weather or not it was the right decision for you. I also believe there's nothing wrong with a mistake. As long as you learn from it. Now do those sound like the thoughts of a judgmental human being? Am I Regina George? Questions the world forces me to ask.

Song of the day: He Wasn't Man Enough by Toni Braxton (I don't know how this turned into a Braxton post, but that's just how it is in my head. The thoughts just don't connect)

Quote of the day :

"“I am not Captain Save-A-Ho; I can only save one at a time, and that’s me!”

"“I have a fabulous life:  I have a big ass house, three cars, I fly first class all around the world … some would say I have the perfect life, and those people are absolutely right.”

“You cannot powder away what botox can fix.  My name is Tamar, and I am for plastic surgery.”

- Tamar Braxton lines

R.I.P. Lil Wayne? TMZ v. Mack Maine. The whole story

On Friday evening, TMZ reported that Lil Wayne had been given his last rights. Before this post, I didn't know what last rights were. That happens to be final communion where the priest comes and prays for you.  After having Sizzrup (Purple Drink/Mixture of alcohol and anything else you can imagine) he had another seizure. For those who don't  know, Lil Wayne has had reoccurring seizures these last couple years. TMZ claimed that this time it was serious. The hospital was unable to stop the seizure, and he was tied to the bed. They said he was surrounded by crying loved ones, and his mother was on the way down to Atlanta in order to make the final call on what happens to him. The story was enough to break your heart. I couldn't even fully enjoy my beloved Jayhawks doing work on Iowa State, because my heart just broke for him. 30 years old fighting for his life. I thought of Reginae and his three little boys. I thought of the baby mothers that have lived off of him so long, what will they do now? I started realizing how big his contribution to music has been. He's been on so many tracks and created two of the biggest artists of this last year. Drake and Nicki Minaj would be nothing without Lil Wayne. He has built the young money brand. Although it isn't the most respected, they've stuck to their musical instincts and profited from it. Drake said it best in 5 am in Toronto  Everyone just sounds like Drake ft. Drake. Frank Ocean, The Weekend, Chris Browns new feel. Drake did it first. He sang and he rapped, and he didn't have to hit Mariah Carey notes because the message was what mattered. Without Lil Wayne, there would be no Drake. Nothing but respect for him and his accomplishments.

Well, you all know what comes next. Mack Maine came out on twitter and said :

"Wayne is alive and well! We watching the Syracuse game...thanks for the prayers and concern..he will update you all soon. #love"

"We will be releasing an official statement shortly but dont believe the nonsense about comas and tubes to breathe...that's false!!"

This was followed by some foul words about TMZ. It turns out Weezy was in the hospital, but it wasn't nearly as serious as the fabricated story TMZ made out. Despite these tweets that were retweeted by a lot of the young money family, TMZ continued to spread their insensitive lies. I have never been one to blame gossip sites, because they're just doing their job. If it's something they truly believe is true, I think it's alright. But if you know it's false, why would you put his extended family and friends through the stress of thinking something had happened to their loved one. Sure he's a public figure and he signed up for this. It still just seems unfair. As far as how bad his health is at this point, there's nothing better. But Birdman sent this tweet out to the fans :

"My son is feelin Good.will be home real soon.YMCMB"

Wayne himself tweeted shortly after that saying :

"I'm good everybody. Thx for the prayers and love."

Lets hope he's alright, and there are many more hits to come. Moral of the story, TMZ does not always know what they're talking about.

Song of the Day : How to Love by Wayne

Quotes of the Day from the Young Money Mogul himself :

"I'm a G, silent like Lasagna"
"I ain't got no worries, no Frank Ocean, I'm straight"
"When I'm done she hold me like a conversation"

In my best dress, fearless

Hi guys,
I've been thinking about blogging for quite some time. It's been a busy week, and I just feel broke down. A line from Whitney Houston's I Look To You comes to my mind, "My levees are broken/My walls have come tumbling down on me/The rain is falling/Defeat is calling/I need you to set me free.." My regular life is going well. but school is extremely stressful. I had two tough midterms and a million and one assignments do. I don't want to hear the word lab ever again. I desperately wish I could study something easy and just get a degree in English or whatever, but what will I do the rest of my life when I have no job? I know that not having money isn't working for me now. I hate it.

The other day I heard a conversation about boots. People were talking about how fake leather books look so cheap, and they would rather spend the extra money to get real leather boots. This was at the same time I was wearing fake leather boots. It didn't get to me, because I can't afford fake leather boots. That is way above and beyond my means. I'm realizing that some of these things just aren't a possibility. I desperately wanted to get my hair done. It would cost me $250 dollars to do what I need to do. Only other black people understand my pain. No one else has to spend that much for anything they do with their hair. I hear the screams of go natural, but that's not what I want to do. My natural hair is a pain in the ass, and unless you will come and come through it for hours upon hours every morning I'm not doing it. Sometimes it just feels like the standards are set so high. It sounds like I'm whining. These are all first world problems. At least I have water and electricity, a loving family and good friends. I'm just worn out. This is the real world. You get a paycheck and it all goes to pay bills. You're half asleep every where you go hoping that one day it will be worth it. You will get that dream job, car, or whatever ti is you've been hoping for.

Yesterday, someone was speaking about how they believe sorrow and joy go together. You've all heard the saying that you can't know joy if you haven't experienced sorrow. It's true. Being down in the dump makes you realize and appreciate the days filled with laughter and crazy memories even more. Its been three days since I wrote the first two paragraphs of this blog. A few hours after, I was way more light and upbeat. I'm officially on spring break. There's absolutely nothing better. I have a week away from classes. I will use it to catch up on work and make up this speech about myself I'm terrified to give. It has to be fifteen minutes long, and I have absolutely no idea what to say to fill up the time. In the meantime though, I get the chance to think about me. Who I am, where I want to go, and the dreams and failures that formed all of this. The joyful moments and sorrow filled ones that made me realize the important things I've been looking forward to in the first place.

Yesterday, I was having a conversation at a restaurant with a friend. A stranger overheard and gave me his two cents. He told me to take a risk and talk to my Tuesday/Thursday crush. For those of you who don't know, my Tuesday/Thursday crush is this guy I've seen for about thirty seconds a couple times a week. We've never spoken or anything, but I always feel that spark. I'd like to think of that stranger as my guardian angel. Right place, right time. Telling me to put on my best dress, and be fearless. T- Swift style. So, in true first world style, I decided to splurge on the hair and the new outfit. It would be silly not to listen to the wise man at the burger stand now wouldn't it?


Song of the day: Mirrors by Justin Timberlake  : This is my jam!! I am listening to this all the time. And those rough days when it was 7:35, and I didn't want to be going to class. It put the smile on my face and gave me the burst of energy that I need. It's the classic JT i've come to love over the years. Listen to it!

Quote of the Day :

The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed

"It won't be long till I'm going to need somebody to lean on"

The struggle between Good Mariam, and Bad Mariam continues. Before I went on my lady in the street but a... rant, this was the blog post I had in mind. I hear this song on the radio all the time, and it really resonates with me. It makes me think all of the time about the person I am, and the person I want to be. Here's the opening lines :

Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory
When I'm home where my soul belongs

Was I love
When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of those
Was my worship more than just a song

It makes me question weather I was any of this. Like most college students, I can be pretty self absorbed. I am normally concerned with homework, work, and other me related things. I make time to watch Army Wives at least once a week, but I can't tell you I make sure to hold the door for that stranger who's far enough away that it would be okay. Americans have always been individual oriented. We're all supposed to pull our weight and somehow make it work. We forget that not everyone can do that, and all of us need help along the way. My goal is to try and open my eyes to other people's heartache and pain. Look outside myself and help others more often. I remember when that Penn State football coach died, my mom said that that man had to have died of a broken heart. Now I realize there was probably some scientific disease or whatever to what happened to him, but I agreed with her analysis. A broken heart can hurt a lot more then a broken bone can. A lot of people associate heartbreak to being dumped. But any extreme disappointment can cause your heart to break, and hope in humanity to be lost. If you know anyone who's going through that, I encourage you to not take it lightly and be that person for them. If you're religious, you can think of it as being Jesus to the least of those. If it's not, you can think of Al Green's Song Lean on Me. The line that sticks out the most from those is "It won't be long till I'm going to need, somebody to lean on".

"A lady in the street but..."

Hello,
How do you do? I've had a pretty great weekend. This normally means that I forgot about some extremely important homework assignment or weekend test. Some kind of school insanity. Without gong into excruciating detail like I do some days, I went out to this DJ competition. Had a great time. Danced with a cute guy. If I wasn't over-thinking it the entire time, I may have actually had fun. In case you don't know, that's just the way I am. First, I am constantly fighting between my Beyonce and Sasha Fierce side. I feel guilty when I'm in club settings and sing songs that may not be the most appropriate. I listen to the christian station in my car most days and have jam out sessions to Taylor Swift.  But at the same time, I love Turn on The Lights by Lil Wayne. I do. And Don't Drop that Thun Thun still gets stuck in my head constantly. I know that the good girl should out weigh the bad. I am working on making that happen. Usher put it well. A lady the street but... haha, I think you can finish the rest. (Unless you're one of the genuinely good people I'm aiming to be. Then don't google it)

Something weird also happened. One of my moms friends wrote a RIP facebook post about someone she missed and it was the name of her nephew that we happened to know. All through the night I really thought he had passed away. It put a whole new perspective on the person he is. The one we knew was only like 11 by the way. I just began to realize how nice he was always asking how we're doing and texting from Africa and stuff. I never realized it before. It just opened my eyes to how much I ignore the good in people. It's only when they're gone, or I think they are that it shows up. Thank God he's still alive. It was actually someone else in their family who I don't know. Know them or not, it's still a tragedy because life is a precious thing. My goal is to notice the nice things people do more often now. Make sure they know how much you appreciate that side of them. I wanted to take the time to let you know I appreciate all of you who read this. Even if it's only a couple of you. Finding some kind of value in my random thoughts is awesome of you.

With that, homework awaits. Ciao!

xoxo

Mariam *Gossip Girl voice*

Song of the day: Turn On The Lights (listen to it for me. I'm giving up bad music among other things for lent)

Quote of the Day:

Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking.