This is how it starts/Lighting strikes the heart/It goes off like a gun/Brighter Than the sun

Dear Diary and random people who read this,
I just got back from Camp Wood yesterday afternoon. The actual camp wood is a YMCA camp, but the episcopal church rents in every year for its youth. There were 215 people there from the ages of 9-18. We called it Mega Camp because for the first year the campers weren't divided by grade level. Normally it's a week for each grade. My brother came with me. I enjoyed having the younger episcopalians there, they bring a lot more spirit into the camp. The spirit at camp is something out of this world. I don't have the words to explain it, you just have to be there to feel it. The feeling is love. Not romantic love but friendship love of truly caring for every member of the camp. We're all there for each other and open around each other because we know that no matter what we're loved. Because thats what we all believe, that everyone deserves to be loved even when their not the most obviously loveable person. All the campers were extremely polite and extremely fun to be around. I made quite a few friends.

The fun camp activities I participated in were...horseback riding (which I didn't like that much. The first time I didn't get to leave the barn and the second time I got stuck on this demented horse names wen who made gabby look like a saint. She kept trying to throw me off and eat the grass instead of walk on the trail we were supposed to go up). I went fishing, but didn't catch anything :'(. I did archery which was actually pretty fun and lots of arts and crafts. I finally learned how to make a certain type of friendship bracelet, and I made a really cool star shaped candle. The rest of the time we would sing songs, and go to church every night. One night when we were on the hill outside and sunset for service, with every single person there you could definitely feel gods presence. It was a magical night. Same with the healing service which was a very emotional night.

The most fun I had at camp though was hands down at the dance. Last few times the dance was just ok but this time I let looose and let myself have a crazy good time. And I did have a good time. It was awesome. I enjoyed it. They played a lot of songs I like, church camp isen't all praying... They played semi- modern songs, Till The World Ends by Britney Spears, Bottoms up by Trey Songz (everyone rapped around to Nicki's part it was awesome), and that kind of thing. The counslers from the Y staff were REALLY good dancers. This one cute itern I had talked too, and this british intern danced with me and my friend. It was so much fun. I'm almost sad that its over, I say almost because I really really love my shower and my bed and my mom and I woulden't want to miss those for anything. So I'm glad to be home.

Now the last and final thing is crazy and proof that there is something greater out there. I read a really good, interview with Justin Bieber from Rolling Stones a few months back. As you all know I have bieber fever and anything with bieber on it I have to read. In the interview Justin's talking about how religious he is (he is very religious you can see that in his movie and by his tattoos. It says Jesus in hebrew, the newest one). Anyways he said the words God is Love. Those words stuck with me for months. Every day I would think God is Love. And I thought Justin bieber put it perfectly thats what god is, love. Then when I got to camp we particularly studied a certain passage in the bible and guess what it said...God is Love. It's like I was supposed to read that particular magazine, and that particular line, and go to camp just so I can put it together and never forget that god is love. Cool huh?

song of the day: Brighter then the sun by Colbie Calliat

quote of the day:Staying yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you someone you're not, is great accomplishment.

Just because I stopped saying I miss you doesn't mean I don't. I stopped saying it because it doesn't mean anything to you. But I did, I still do and I always will.

"Nevermind I'll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you too..."

So there's something I haven't told anyone. And I mean anyone. Now when I don't tell anyone something it's for a reason. Bad things happen when I say my thoughts out loud. I wish I could tell you I was kidding but I'm not. The minute I say it out loud it becomes real. It has meaning. Someone will remember it forever. It's like I'm free to accept thats my thought and its out there for the world. But if I don't say it out loud I can just get over it and it can go away. Speaking of getting over, I think I may have finally gotten over Prince. You know the one this blog used to be pretty much devoted to? Yeah...it finally happened. I gave up on him and figured out he may be a prince, but he's not MY prince. Well he could be but he doesn't want to be and thats ok. I hope he finds someone wonderful out there that he can be the prince to, and marry, and make a million prince babies with...that's such a lie. I hope he falls in love with some perfect princess that doesn't want him back. And she stomps on his heart and breaks it into a million pieces over and over again. And then I want him to come running back to me, tears and all, just so I can stomp on him some more and teach him how it feels to be unwanted. ok, that over reacting too. Long story short, I don't care anymore. i just want revenge.

Ok back to the thing I never told anyone. You all should just pretend you don't know this, and technically this isn't saying it out loud. I don't want this to be real. I don't want to fall for someone again. I don't want to feel like sh*t again. It's not happening. This heart is closed. But anyways, so there's this guy. He's a reoccurring figure in my life at random moments. And I always thought that maybe he liked me, just a little bit. We had the worst luck though because whenever we started talking something extremely awkward would happen. More awkward then my usual awkwardness around attractive young men. Like one time we were talking and he totally had me smiling and laughing and we were both being friendly then the whole room just turned around and stared at us. We kind of stopped and something was said and he just kind of left me there and they stopped staring. It was like the world was saying you two can't happen. My cousin really likes this guy for some reason. She's the one who put the thought in my head. And I had this dream last night and he was in it. And he was saying its too late now. Weird right?

We're facebook friends and everything too. But facebook kind of made me think he may be a player. So many girls are always talking to him and he's always talking about all these girls he's getting and kissing and loving. And their all prettier then me. So thats his turn off. He most likely doesn't know I exist really. We haven't talked in a long time. And there are other reasons I can't speak of as to why I can't like him. I don't like him. My dreams like him. I'm a hundred percent serious about not wanting to like anyone anymore. Like I used to always say I want to be chased. I want someone to like me this time around. And I don't want to waste my whole life believing that fairytales come true because last time that didn't work. And it seems like the more I want something, the more I don't get it so i'm not going to want anymore and maybe good things will come to me. I hope.

Song of the day: Someone Like You by Adele

Quote of the day: " Never ignore a person who loves and cares for you, because one day you may realize that you've lost the moon while counting the stars"

"This time won't you save me, baby I can feel myself giving up...giving up"

For the longest time now I don't really know how I feel? It just seems like i'm walking through life. is that weird? I've been through a lot of weird stuff this year but a lot of happy stuff. I definitely felt alive at the Bruno Mars concert and a couple moments of my St. Louis trip but its like nothing really makes me feel like i'm living anymore. I think I need to do some more fun things or something. I don't know. It's really weird and I don't want to feel like that. I changed a lot in the last few months. I kind of lost my belief that good things happen to good people. I'm now a believer (feels so weird that i'm not saying belieber) in the idea that some people are just luckier then others. They get more, and you just have to accept it. Life is good if your them, but if your some shy, quiet girl you just have to accept the fact that you're going to be ignored and forgotten. I'm not trying to be pessimistic that's just been a lesson proved by my life.

I'm always too quiet and too shy which automatically makes people think you're boring. They don't actually want to take the time to get to know you so they just label you and it's over. I'm working on my braveness but I guess the truth is i'm a little insecure. So i'm going to fix it. Maybe this summer I can loose weight, and get extensions again and feel a little better about myself. I don't know but it's worth a try.

It would also be cool if I had friends that were on my side. My friend group has pretty much fallen to crap. There's no way to put it nicely. No one really talks anymore. There is a group of three of us that gets along better then all the others but the truth is the only thing we really even have to talk about is how much our other friends suck but after that we're just silent and it's awkward. I never realized how bad some of my friends were until I met people that showed me what friendships are really supposed to be like. I'm beyond thankful for my two best friends. I would like to fix things with my friends but a lot of them just don't care which makes it hard for me to care you know? I would love a fresh new start.

Maybe dreams do come true and Justin Bieber will show up at my door ready to save me.

songs of the day: Save Me by Nicki Minaj (I am in love with this song and I absolutely can't stop listening too it. This is how I feel. not like anyone listens to how I feel but if anyone did it would be this song).

I also heard How to Love by Lil Wayne. SOOOO GOOOD! Young Money has recently impressed me

quote of the day: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe