"And I'm Not Sorry That It's Over, But For The Way We Let It End. So I Said All I Had To Say, In Letters That I Threw Away"

MIND

Things he taught me. 

1. I learned something from blackgirlsareeasy.com . The whole spartan movement is something I am capable of. I can walk up to an attractive guy with a nice body and even nicer car. I can charm him with my woman prowess, and I am worthy of his attention. This is huge! He was the hottest guy I ever dated. I loved me some him and surprisingly he loved him some me to. For five months that is.

1b. I'm worthy of dates. He opened the door for that. I've gotten lots of other dates since. I didn't have to ask or anything. I think my new sense of security and self-worth showed these men that I know what I deserve. 

2. I no longer hold back my feelings. I am an excellent communicator. When I was unhappy, I told him. When I missed him, I told him. When I wanted more interaction, I told him. Even when he shut down and stopped trying, I expressed how I felt. I even risked losing him to express my feelings and desires. I put me first, and I'm proud of myself for doing that. 

3. People always leave. Peyton Sawyer taught me this one back in my One Tree Hill obsessed days (are they over? no). I really saw something in CJIII, Every sign pointed to him feeling the same way and us living happily ever after or at least happily until deployment. I never predicted he would leave and leave in this way. I trusted his words. He specifically said he would never not talk to me again. That's exactly what he chose to do. He left. He proved that everything Peyton said was true. 

4. Loving him does not mean him loving you. Unrequited love is real. That doesn't make the feels that I have less real. I can love a person without them loving me back. I can love a person even though they've done me wrong, and I do not have to feel guilty about this love. 

5. Being in love will be better. I loved loving CJIII. But being loved back will be better and I can't wait for that day to come. 

6. I need to stick to my new years resolution. No situationships in 2016. I only want to fall for people who are falling just as hard and just as fast for me. 

7.  I don't want to settle. If there are qualities that they posses that irritate me and I can't see past them, its better to let them go before either party is in too deep. I know what I want. If nothing else, I know how I want to feel. If its not there, I shouldn't commit so deeply to it. Hope is never a bad thing, but I have moved my hope into the bigger picture. I don't have to hope it works out with every man in my life. I just have to hope it works out someday. Preferably within the next 1-4 years. Prayers up!

Aside:

Yesterday I stayed in bed all day, because I was so sad about the whole situation. No one has ever ghosted to me after five months of communication. That's past ghosting and more just rude and completely disrespectful. Everyone deserves a goodbye. But I'm not going to sulk anymore about not getting one. It takes 21 days to break a habit. We're almost at 21 days since he stopped talking to me, but it's only the second day of me accepting that he's not coming back. I'm going to start taking steps to let him go. Out of site, out of mind. My postcard has been removed from my dresser and placed with all the other postcards in my collection. I deleted my messenger app, so I can stop creepily checking when he gets online and seeing if he opened my message. The hardest part is going to be getting rid of all the cards and letters I wrote him for his going away gift. But it begins today.

Song of the Day : What Can I Say by Carrie Underwood (our breakup song)

Quote of the day: "Sometimes we create our own heartbreak through expectation" 

"Imagine me being strong and not letting people break me down. You won't get that joy this time around"

MIND/HEART

 Familiarity : the quality of being well known; recognizably based on long or close association. 

I love opening a fresh sheet for a new post. It feels so familiar. The familiarity is comforting. Its officially been three weeks since my last post, and I'm still hurting over the loss of CJIII. I finally lost my mind. After he bailed on the date, we had a bit of a continued rough patch. I was not talking to him unless he talked to me (a policy I expressed to him during the break up phone call). He reached out to me one weekend, and we had a nice conversation. Our usual kind. I enjoyed talking to him again. We talked for about 3-4 days, and I think we were both enjoying that familiarity. I felt like I was initiating the conversation too much again. I was asking him questions that would help me understand him as a man and see if maybe we really never were compatible. Everything he said recently matched up with what he had said before. He told me that he did not like to be around people when they were sad and hurt which explained why I couldn't go to him in my low moments.

I stopped initiating the conversation, so we had another week of silence. I contacted him to see how he felt about me. I asked if the way our relationship was now was the was he wanted it to be. Pause - I keep using the work relationship. This is the first way that I lost my mind. Charles and I are not in a relationship. He refused to give our relationship that title. I am dating other people. Why do I insist on calling it that? Is it because I long for that kind of relationship so bad? Is it because we've been in the situation so long it just feels like a relationship? I do not know. But regardless of the reasoning, it was a mistake to speak in those terms. He blamed everything on me. He said that he was only talking to me when I talked to him, and I wasn't talking to him. I was determined to fix our issues and he tried to, but he couldn't. I wanted to take a trip together this upcoming weekend,and all he said was "..." because he won't have a car until he deploys. Him and I just think differently. If I want something, I make it happen. I don't take no for an answer. But maybe he doesn't try to make it happen, because he doesn't want it bad enough. I think that's the fundamental difference between my feelings and his at this point in time. I want him so much more than he wants me. He proceeded to ignore me all of 4th of July. and the next day. and the next day. I apologized, but it didn't make a difference.

 I think it's officially over. He's a coward. He either never really liked me in the first place or got scared when whatever we had needed to be more real. The idea of falling for someone and having real feelings was just too much for him. He cut it off and will get to deploy. To leave me and everything that reminds him of me here, so he can walk and fight guilt free. While I have to think of him every time I see Lebron James or go to the gym. I didn't live up to my new years resolution. I got into a situationship. But I'm happy, because this one made me grow. It showed me my worth. I deserve to be taken on dates. I deserve to have a mans undivided attention. I can be with a man that's 6'2" with a six pack and he'll still be hungry for all 186 pounds of me. At this point, I have to let it go. He isn't who he once was, and I cannot stick around for him to disrespect me more.

NEW FLAME (s?)

I can't get this heading to be the pretty purple too, so I let it go. JD and I had another nice day together. We had dinner in his car and talked and laughed a lot. I found out things about him that I liked. I really love men who are willing to talk about our future together. It shows that they have no fear and they are entering the situation hoping it ends in something real. He didn't tell me that he was leaving for two whole weeks, so us dating is on pause. I was super happy, giddy, and excited about everything. The pause was probably not the best thing for our young relationship. He went to a former city he lived in and it makes me think he might still have a girl or two there. I just didn't want him to leave. 

Then I went to KCGP and met Joseph. I think that's a story for a brand new post. Stay tuned my loves, stay tuned. 

Song of the day: Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin (This song is beautiful. Just what I need to hear at this point in my life)

Quote of the day: Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.