"Even On My Weakest Day, I Get a Little Bit Stronger"

Its been a month since my last lovey-dovey post about CJIII. Normally it would be time for another one. We were actually supposed to go on a date this past Saturday, but it didn't work out that way. On Wednesday last week I woke up to a text message saying, "Hey Goodmorning, know it's been awhile of us talking/dating and now I don't think a relationship is what I want right now". This was the answer I had been waiting about a month and a half to hear. We had the define the relationship conversation a little while ago. It was initiated by me, and he had initially expressed that he did not think he wanted to get into a relationship when he's deploying. I tried to convince him to change his mind. I told him that a thousand miles seems pretty far, but there are a million and one ways to stay in touch with someone you care about. I told you all I thought I loved him. I didn't express the same thoughts to him. I was praying for the best, but I could feel him moving further and further away from me. He didn't text me the entire time he was in Cleveland. I understand wanting to spend quality time with your family, but that doesn't mean you can't shoot an occasional text to make sure the woman in your life is not just surviving, but thriving. He said it was because his phone was broken, but nothing changed when it was fixed. He returned and we chatted a little, but it still wasn't the same.

After receiving the text that broke my heart, we exchanged some confusing text messages and spoke on the phone that night. The conversation was...bleh. I really care about this man. I didn't want to be ending things. I wanted to be moving forward with things. The conversation we had was very real. He told me that deployment was tough to endure. He had to be focused and couldn't afford to put someones life on the line feeling guilty for not communicating with his girlfriend that day. He said that relationships involved a lot of communication and spending a lot of time with one another. He just isn't ready to give that to a person. He said that it may be selfish, but it was his truth. With his distance and the way he's been acting lately. I saw it coming. I wasn't that surprised, but I was hurt.

The only thing that kept me from completely breaking down was the reassurance he kept giving me about our friendship. He said multiple times that he wanted to continue talking and let our friendship grow. I wanted details about the nature of our friendship, because the day he broke the news I could never picture being just a friend to him. He acted as though nothing will change. But everything has changed. He left home again to finish training in Missouri for his deployment. I had a brief conversation with him yesterday, but he still hasn't opened my snap from Sunday.

I read a lot of articles online and was pleased to find out that I wasn't the only one who experienced a sudden pre-deployment break up. Everyone's story sounded a lot like mine. This line resonated with me the most. It said, "Hard to tell. Vicki says that she and her boyfriend have been together for five years-since they were both sixteen. Her boyfriend recently enlisted. Right before he left for boot camp, he broke up with her. He said he didn't want to worry about her. He said he only want to focus on himself right now". It sounded exactly like what Charles told me. It made me feel good for a couple reasons. 1. Maybe Charles ended our situationship had nothing to do with the strength of our relationship. That couple had been together five years and he still chose to end it. 2. It made me realize that Charles wasn't making this stuff up. It opened my eyes to how hard it is to deploy. I made the concious decision that if I couldn't be there for him as a great love, I would be there for him as a friend. I have a going away gift in mind that I think will be perfect for what he's going to be experiencing there. All of this is part of God's plan, so we'll see what happens.

I already went on two dates with a new guy named JD. I had a length conversation with Charles about me dating other people and he emphasized that it was my choice. I made the decision to go out and see what's there. I laughed a lot and it was nice not being lonely for awhile.

song of the day: A Little Bit Stronger by Sarah Evns

quote of the day: "Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened"

"Wise men say only fools rush in. But I can't help falling in love with you"

HEART

Inspiration comes from so many different places. I find it everywhere. I've made it a thing to post inspirational words on my snapchat whenever I find it, so my followers (who probably don't care) can be a little inspired too. Today, I found romantic inspiration everywhere. It was a rough morning for various reasons, but when I got to work I started surfing social media networks instead of being productive as always. The first post I saw was from one of the home team bruhz. He's married to a beautiful Latin American woman who's everything I wish I could be physically. She's skinny, has great hair, takes excellent selfies. Basically a 21st century beauty from Beauty and the Beast. My big brother in greekdom loves her. His love for her is evident in everything he does. Today he made a post about how he's fighting for her and will always fight for her. He ends the post by saying their love is forever.

FOREVER

I have to dwell on that word a little bit because it holds so much power. Forever is defined as, "for all future time; for always". Always and forever. The first thing that pops in my head when I hear the word forever is prompted by my faith. Not just in this life, but the next as well. Life is the longest thing you'll ever do. He wants to love her through his long journey and after that. How beautiful. The inspiration just kept coming today though. It didn't end with Mr. & Mrs. Smith. It came to me again in the form of a proposal video : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibiCo_kliLo&feature=share . This man spent four months on his proposal plan. He spent four months showering his girlfriend with loveeeee & affection. Watching all this made me realize a lot of things, but the first thought was that I have never been able to make a man feel that way about me. Have I gotten men to put in time? yes. A little effort? yes. But I haven't experienced a man willing to put in months of work just so he can continue to put in work or "fight" for the rest of his life.

I automatically realized the problem with the love I experience. It is one sided. Almost always. I have so much love in my heart. Sometimes I hide it, so I don't scare the other person. Sometimes I show them just how much I care and like them to the point it hurts their feelings. They feel bad about not loving me the way I love them and end it in hopes that I will find someone who can give me "what I deserve". I heard that phrase a lot from the couple of good men I've encountered in life. They talk about what I deserve and what's fair to me. The most annoying part is that they never want to be the ones to give me what I deserve. They can never actually be fair to me. Some sort of connection that's supposed to be there is missing every single time. I can't even be mad at the guys, because I understand. There are plenty of times where I've liked someone less than they like me. Regardless of how nice or cute they are, you can't really invest the way you would if the person you were with was truly the one. The way you would if they really made you feel something you've never felt before. Love is beautiful and I have been waiting my entire life to experience the feeling of actually being in love. Loving someone so much and them giving you that same love back. It's unconditional. It's consistent. It overwhelms you and despite the distance or challenges you face, you feel complete. I will continue to pray that it finds me someday.

Song of the Day: Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley

Quote of the Day: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails"