"On a monday, I am fading. On a tuesday, I am waiting. On a wednesday, I..can't..sleep"

"Defamation of character" is defined as : a false statement about you that causes some kind of harm. Everyone has been accused of things. Some negative and some positive. If you're lucky, people will respect you and think highly enough of you not to believe what is said. I recently had a conversation with my forever friend. I just love that phrase. Forever friend. It rolls off the tongue beautifully. As I mentioned in my last post, she told me that she realized I was a secretive person. I've spent the last five days dwelling on that comment. Am I really a secretive person? My first thought was, "Yes. I am a secretive person". Anyone who has any idea how my brain works knows that I followed up that statement with, "why?". The easy answer that came to mind was "because I haven't even figured out who I am". I say that's the easy answer, because that's kind of the theme of my year. I lost track of what I want to do in life, started over in many ways, broke some of the rules that were near and dear to me for so long. I crumbled under the weight of the world. I don't doubt that part of it or question it at all. What I doubted was weather these failures mean that I am a different, undiscovered person now.

The answer to that question is no. Just because I lost my way and made mistakes doesn't mean I'm a different person. I'm the same person. I am quiet, observative, an overactive thinker, and hardworker. I am kind, often tired, and a bad decision maker. I'm unsure a lot of the time. I'm also slightly judgmental and have a little too much self pride. That's why I keep some of my thoughts to myself. I would never want to say something that hurts anyone else, but that same kindness is not relayed to me. Very few people get the privilege of knowing my every thought and feeling. I would say there a three people who know the most things about me. When you put together all the different pieces they know, you make all of me. All my memories, fears, and quirks. Lately, I've become so secretive that I even keep things from them. I kept things from them, because I didn't want to disappoint them. I didn't want them to look at me differently. I don't think its good to keep those kind of feelings to yourself. I've been meaning to go see a psychologist to talk through some of these things. Why would I want to talk to a psychologist verses someone I already know? I want to get things off my chest for me, but I don't want any associated opinions and judgements.

There is nothing that hurts more than pouring yourself out to people and them rejecting it or throwing it back in your face. I don't blame them, because maybe they think they're telling me what I need to hear. Maybe they don't realize that what was being shared were my deepest thoughts and secrets. Maybe they don't realize how rude it is to talk to someone in that tone. This is always the reaction I get from people after they finally know everything about me. They start to rip me apart. Friends are supposed to lift you up, but mine feel the need to break me down. That goes for some family members too. I'm starting to think the way to overcome this is to continue to build a life on my own. I don't want to be less secretive. I want to be more secretive. I've tried to open up and I've been burned. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm just being stupid and I know I'm not dumb. That will not be a mistake I chose to repeat.

song of the day : Pieces of Me by Ashley Simpson

quote of the day: I told God to protect me from my enemies, and I started losing friends

"Let rain fall and then wash away my tears. Let it fill my soul and drown my fears. Let it shatter the walls for a new sun. A New Day Has Come!"

Hello long lost friend,

This blog is one of my greatest treasures. It holds so many of my feelings and all the words I left unsaid. There are days it has been my only friend. When I didn't have a voice, it was where I turned to feel heard. To empty the voices and demons in my head. Rereading my posts from this summer gives me chills. I still feel the pain I felt with every ounce of my being. I have distracted myself and found a way to move away from my failures, but I haven't reached the point of moving on and getting over them. The difference between then and now is I now know that the time will come when I truly am over my disappointments and downfall. It may have bent me, but it didn't break me. I'm still in an academic limbo. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I've realized that maybe what I want to do with my life has absolutely nothing to do with what I study. The society we live in has made academic success the ultimate goal. Things are this way for a good reason. Academic success leads to financial stability which is necessary to be self sufficient. Self sufficiency is the ultimate goal. Being able to leave your parents, sally mae, or whoever is keeping you afloat.

I lost my "high paying" job this summer. I replaced it with two low paying jobs. Believe it or not, I am happier in the work place. I have coworkers that I like in both locations. I feel comfortable asking them for favors and explaining my very real human problems to them. They don't look at me like I'm an outcast or not enough. They accept me and continue to surprise me by working really hard to figure out exactly who I am. I had a conversation with my forever friend Samira yesterday. She was telling me that she realized I'm a really secretive person. I had to agree with her.  I am definitely a secretive person. I like the reason a lot of people don't know much about me is because I'm still figuring me out. I'm learning a lot about myself from the people in my life, the things I'm choosing to spend my time on, and finally letting myself think, feel, and be freely. Some of the things that were a secret no longer are. I'm proud to be a swahili speaking African these days, and I'm not ashamed about being overweight. I share my thoughts even when they're "lame" and "type A". I don't really care what people think about me after I put them out there. I'm an extremely kind person. People in my life keep trying to take that from me. I'm constantly being told to put my foot down or stop being nice because it makes others uncomfortable. I finally realized that I don't care if how I am makes you uncomfortable. I like that I'm different. I like that I care about people. For the longest time, I felt like I had to quietly uplift others. I didn't want to freak them out with my niceness or make them think I care in a creepy way or something. I've started opening up more about how I see people. I think my ability to see the best in people is a blessing. It brings joy to my life and the lives of others as well.

I'm learning that friendships and relationships are a common theme in your early twenties. Those two things bring lots of additional stress to my life. They bring joy, but lately I'm starting tot think the stress outweighs the joy. Lets start with relationships. One of my dead relationships over the summer went on for three additional months, because I let it. This man was the last one standing, and I felt like I owed him a chance. The fact that no one else saw my worth and he did meant that I should keep him around. In the early months following the summer, he was persistent. He reassured me. Then he disappeared. After disappearing, he came back and we tried again. This time I decided to try to be the best women I can be to him from a distance. That was when he decided he didn't want to be with me. My best wasn't good enough. Instead of walking away with my pride in tact, I continued to try to reach out to him. He one word responded me and stopped texting me, and I finally learned the time had come to let it go. I'm not what he's looking for. To be honest, I don't think he was looking for love. I know that I was looking for love. There was no point in us even interacting when we want such different things. I think I finally had a moment with he guy I've had a crush on for an eternity. He asked me to dance, but the timing was all wrong. It lead to additional drama with friends, and I didn't even really get to think twice about it. If it was meant to be, that won't be the only olive branch he extends to me.

Friendships. In Girl Scouts we used to sing a song and it goes like this, "make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the others gold. A circles round. It has no end. Thats how long I want to be your friend". It was a beautiful concept. That you go through life making new friends and continue to treasure the old ones. Unfortunately, its not as easy as the song goes. People change. They grow apart. There are only so many hours in the day. I don't have time to balance all my friendships anymore. Each friend get a tiny piece of me and the ones that need me the most get the most of me. While a majority of my friendships are good, some are really struggling. I've never had a friend like one of the ones I have now. She's really been there and challenged me to be more than I am and embrace different parts of me. She's lead me towards good decisions and some bad ones at all, but we've really grown together. But lately, no matter what I do it never seems to be enough. I've never given a friendship this much of myself, and it surprises me that all that I'm giving isn't enough. I literally couldn't give any more. I drop everything down to hang out with her, because I know what she's going through. I listen when its needed and honestly chime in when I feel like she's going in the wrong direction. It really hurts me that whatever it is I'm putting into our friendship isn't enough. There's nothing like being unvalued to the person who is supposed to see the most value in me. I guess I messed up. I danced with the boy she was sleeping with at a party and abandoned her to spend time with the boy I was interested in a party. Were those good things? No. Are they things I believe should end a friendship and be dwelled over? No. I hope we can work through this issue in our friendship, but the last few days thinking all of this over just makes me want to be alone. Its made me really consider a life on my own.

I'm never completely alone. I always have Jesus Christ, My mother, My father, and my baby brother. Through all of it. I'm listening to Jesus paid it all and thinking about what they mean to me is bringing tears to my eyes. My gold star for only crying once today has to be revoked. Their love is everything to me. It is so pure and unconditional. We don't always see everything eye to eye, but I'm always enough to them. I think I want to bury myself into my family and the lord again. Go out less and watch television more. I can't disappoint myself as easily as others can't hurt and disappoint me. A golden example is my birthday. I have all of these "friends" right. Not a single one of them was able to travel with me to celebrate my birthday the way I wanted to. One of them proceeded to tell me they can't afford it, but they do have $500 to meet Selena Gomez (forever a D-lister in my book) and travel to LA to spend time with her sister and cousins. What that translated to for me was that this is what's important to me. Your birthday celebration is not. What more motivation do I need to do things for me? I recently put my birthday trip money towards a brand new 64g iPhone 6s Plus and tickets to see Janet Jackson with my mama. I don't want to spend my birthday with any of the people who didn't see value in what I wanted to do. I understand not having the money, but at the same time other people my age who come from worse conditions are able to find the money to travel and do things with their friends. Maybe I'm selfish, but that's how I feel. I don't want some rinky dink surprise party at the cheesecake factory. I've been eating there since my family discovered it when I was 14. That's nothing special. I only turn 21 once, and I would rather celebrate it alone then doing what a bunch of people thought my big day was worth. I know it was worth more than that. It was worth a 900 phone, Janet Jackson, and all the other little treats I'm going to put it towards. The moral of this friendship and relationship segment is, I chose me. I'm my best friend and my true love. I'm enough for me. Always have been and always will be.

Song of the day : A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion

Quote of the day: Be honest, be true, be you, be OWT