Praying But I Think I'm Still An Angel Away

Today I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. This whole "finding yourself" thing is not as easy as it sounds. Here I am, a sophomore in college still uncomfortable in my own skin. Would I call myself insecure? No. I don't have a problem with how I look. That's never been it. I'm more insecure about my personality. For some reason, ever since I started elementary school I've felt like I have to sort of be a different version of myself. At home I'm kind of loud and crazy, but in public I'm just reserved. It might be faking, but I'm so used to it I don't even have to think about it anymore. I just automatically become more reserved. Taking African studies classes and such have allowed me to be more open about the African side of myself. I have a huge appreciation for where my ancestors are from now then I did before. But it's still difficult.

I just don't completely fit in anywhere. I joined a new choir in attempts to get more involved in campus ministry and meet friends. When I get to the practice, we're discussing a vision and the whole conversation is about "outsiders" and "insiders" also known as those who know God and those who don't. To me there are no outsiders and insiders. We are all people loved by God weather we know it or not. Just because I'm in church every Sunday doesn't mean there's someone out there who has never seen a church in their life with purer intentions and a loving spirit for all. We also talk about "secular" things. Secular means non-christian. Maybe I haven't become the best christian I can be, but I still listen to songs by non-christian artists and music that isn't necessarily just made for the purpose of praising God. Being honest and revealing these things led to them looking at me like an "unsaved person". They basically gave me the look that says it all. You're not one of us.

Alright, so I don't fit in with the church people. That's ok. Lately, I've been involving myself in more African American activities. I'm a black woman and proud of that fact. It comes with challenges, but I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I grew up in a suburban neighborhood where a majority of the people were Caucasian. I was not raised to discriminate and some of the best, truest friends I have were Caucasian, Hispanic, Arabic, and different from myself. Not everyone had those kind of diverse friendships. This makes them more hesitant in college. One thing I've noticed is there aren't many interracial couples on ku campus, and out of the few there are it's never a Caucasian male with a black girl. Basically what I'm saying is I've given up on that as a possibility. They see the whole thing as "jungle fever", and I don't want to be referred to as jungle anything. I'm a human being and if you would refer to the love that you and I have as something "wild" and out there, then I don't see it happening or lasting. So I'm stuck in this dilemma of trying to hit it off with the black people I've been grouped with (and love. Don't get me wrong) when I've grown up with white people. The whole thing is quite different.

I've gone to a lot of different events. Parties and student unions, but I just don't seem to hit it off with them. I don't listen to the right artists or know any of the slang that's used. I just come off as dorky without even saying anything. The group at this university are loud and outgoing. I don't feel like there's a place for a shy, quiet person like me. No one really approaches me in these situations. They go after the people that are loud and not scared to make their opinions known. The people who have the same interests as they do. Can't even blame anyone. That's just how it is. It puts me in a weird position, because I don't fit in with either crowd. Or really anyone. I'm just by myself on a deserted island trying to stay afloat.

I have a little crush on this boy, but honestly I'm kind of scared to meet him. When we meet he won't like me, then it'll be over. I know that's a stupid way to think and you never know if you don't try. That's just the way it is. So here I am back at square one. Forever alone, cold, and confused. Waiting for things to look up. Where do I go from here? If I knew I would be doing it, instead of sorting out my thoughts with you all once again.

song of the day: Fly by Nicki Minaj

quote of the day: I am not a word. I am not a line. I am not a girl that could ever be defined.

"I lost my faith in my darkest days, but he makes me want to believe"

When I started this blog three years ago, I was in the tenth grade. My favorite color was pink. I dreamed of meeting Trey Songz, and I was hopelessly in love with a boy who didn't even live in my city. I'm not in tenth grade anymore, but back to the sophomore status. Being a sophomore means you're supposed to start figuring it out. Nothing is new anymore. You've had experience, so you have tools to help you find your way. It's a unique place to be. My favorite color is still pink. I no longer wear nothing, but that color though. Thank goodness. I've found my way to new style choices as well. I met Trey Songz, so check. I still love his music, so I guess some things never change. I don't love that boy anymore. But new crushes have found their way into my heart.

Some things have changed and other have stayed the same. Today at this very moment with I Won't Give Up playing in the background I feel like that hopeless romantic dreamer all over again. I think that will always be part of who I am. There's nothing I enjoy more then a love story. Weather it be Titanic, or grandma and grandpa who grew old together. We live in a world where mostly bad things happen. You can have the news on all day and not hear a single encouraging word. The other day I saw a story about this ten year old boy who took a gun and shot his abusive father. He was on television pleading with his mother for forgiveness. He's facing seven years in jail, because there was evidence it wasn't just spur of the moment. So there's the side of me who thinks, lock him up before he kills other people. You've got to be a stone to kill your own flesh and blood. But then there's the side that thinks he's just a baby. He probably hadn't even truly realized how heavy death is for everyone involved. That same side hurts for his mother. She lost her husband and shouldn't have to lose her baby too. It's a lose lose situation. This is just one of the many examples of all the negative stories we're surrounded by all the time.

In a world filled with all kinds of darkness, I think love is the light. Loving another makes you put your selfishness aside and believe in something bigger then just you. Being with another person can cause you to be the best possible version of yourself. Like they say in Les Misereable "To love another person is to see the face of God". It's so powerful and one of the most pure things left on earth. I may not see it as often as I have in the past, but it's there. We live in the generation of twerking and sleeping around. Fun before anything else. But underneath it's still there. That desire to love and be loved. I don't think it'll ever go away. Not for me at least.

song of the day :  I Won't Give up by Jason Mraz

quote of the day: "To love another person is to see the face of God"  - Les Miserables

Random update : Going to the Parachute concert tonight, and I couldn't be more excited! yay.