"The Moment I Wake Up. Before I Put On My Make. Up. I Say a Little Prayer for Youuuuuu"

There was a great moment in popular culture that has been in my head all day. John David Washington is from the move the Blackkklansman. He is the son of  Denzel Washington, and this was his acting debut. The Blackkklansman is a Spike Lee movie that I had the pleasure of seeing. My brother never invites me to anything, but he took time out of his busy schedule to invite me to the film. It's possible that I was only invited, because he wanted me to pay. I don't mind though. Our tickets cost $22 total. I am going to look at this post in 5 years and be shocked at how cheap movie prices used to be. I remember when I used to pay $5 to see a matinee movie. I probably would have splurged for popcorn, but he told me it was too late in the day and it wouldn't be fresh.

The movie was not my favorite of all time. I appreciated the concept, but it was a little slow. I definitely fell asleep for a good 20 minutes in the middle. The story-line is an undercover African American cop investigating the KKK. He speaks to someone high up in their organization and convinces them that he is a white male. Another white cop pretends to be him in person, but Washington is the voice that he speaks to on the phone. This is based on a true story about a black male who officially became a member of the KKK. He has a membership card with his name and everything. The end is hilarious, because it becomes evident that he is a black male. Spike Lee is a realist, so the story did not have a massive happy ending. One male, caucasian cop was arrested for the comments they were able to catch him make. The investigation was discontinued and no one from the kkk was actually arrested. The movie ended with footage for the kkk march that occurred in North Carolina and led to the death of a young woman. It was really moving. I never watched footage of the car that ran people over, because I'm tired of sad news. I don't want to be sad anymore. I would recommend the movie even though I couldn't stay awake during it. Same thing happened when I watched the Black Panther. I just can't stay awake when there is no good romance.

But back to a great moment in popular culture. When John David was being interviewed, the interviewer asked him what it's like to be the son of Denzel Washington. He corrected the interviewer and said, "and Pauletta Washington. Who was earning more money than he was when they married, before they were married. She was working on Broadway, paid for the first date, paid the bill, paid the cab ride. Classically trained pianist, went to Julliard. She is a great artist in her own right and I learned a lot for her. My father taught me how to hunt. My mother taught me how to love." That whole statement is beautiful. It's beautiful, because he showed love and appreciation for both parents. He loves his mother so much, that he does not believe she should live in his father's shadow. He believes that her contributions to art are just as important. A lot of the time, the celebrity parents takes all the credit for the celebrity child. I'm glad he showed respect for his mother. A black woman that has remained in a marriage for 20+ years.

The other part that stuck out is the love story. I loved knowing that she was more successful than him when they met, but she still gave him a chance. That's beautiful and you do not hear many stories like that in black culture. A lot of women spend many hours on twitter talking about how they want a man that has everything. He needs to pay for their travels, buy purses and a huge engagement ring, and give the women an allowance. It's unbelievable how much people expect. My relationship started a lot like the one between Denzel and Pauletta. He was not in a good place and a lot of people would have walked away, because of how hard it is. But where there's a will, there's a way. The love and faith I had in him encouraged him and he hasn't been the same since. I am so proud of him. I wish more women would do this. It encouraged me to know that this couple had humble beginnings too.

Song of the Day : I Say A Little Prayer For You by Aretha Franklin (I have loved this song my whole life because of a scene from My Best Friends Wedding. My whole life, I thought this song is by Dionne Worwick who is now being accused on molesting Whitney as a child. They mention her prior to singing it, so I thought that had to be her song. It turns out it's the Queens originally. RIP Aretha)

Quote of the day : "Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on."

"But I Found A boy Who I Love More, Then I Ever Did You Before"

My heart is so full. Full of love and full of joy. I'm walking on a happy cloud of my blessings and the answer to my prayers. I am so in love. So so so in love. Yesterday was one of the best 4th of July celebrations I've ever had. Thinking through it now, it was the best 4th of July I ever had. It of course didn't start that way. My boo and I have a habit of arguing on holidays. I think its because we both have such high, different expectations. For this particular holiday, I told him that he could plan everything from start to almost finish. The only thing that I really wanted to do was go to a firework show at the end of the night. So the night of July 3rd we went shopping and bought food. We went to bed early and woke up at 9:00am. My significant other was so excited that he woke up at 7:00am. He never wakes up early. That's how you know he just couldn't contain himself. I got up and did my hair and make up as quickly as possible, because I knew he wouldn't be willing to wait forever. I even skipped my ritualistic selfie before leaving. Don't worry, I began taking them once I got in the car.

His brother called as we were about to leave and asked for a ride to the festivities. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, because I felt like we were being used for a ride. That didn't end up being the case. We picked him up and he happily rode in the backseat. We drove into Kansas City and went straight to my future Father - in - Law's home. He welcomed us. The boys loaded up the truck and got everything in the car to go over to his girlfriends house. We set up a table outside and I watched the guys play dominos. I watched the host season the food and tried to be as helpful as I could. What really touched my heart were the conversations that went on that day.

When my boo went inside for a few minutes, his dad said "Julio's Wife". I didn't answer and then he said "Julio's Wife!" again. That's when I realized he was speaking to me. So I looked up and he said "Are you going to marry my son?". I smiled and said "You'll have to ask your son about that and see how he feels". He said, "I'm asking you. He feels one way but I want to know how you feel". I said "Yes, I really like your son". His dad said "Do you like him or do you love him?" I said, "I love him. A lot.. "very shyly. He said, "Then you two are going to get married. I'll make sure of it". Later on in the day, his son came back and we were all sitting together. His father said that he was happy we found each other. He didn't feel like he was losing a son but gaining a daughter. I loved every second of it. It was very special to me. Him and I have talked about marriage many times, but it was nice to see that other people see the love that we share as well.

I also enjoyed the father son moments that occurred throughout the day. My true love's brother told his dad "I smelled my breath the other day and had a flashback to you kissing me when I was a kid. I wonder how my breath ended up smelling just like yours". His dad said it was genetic and he did used to kiss him. The brother said "I wouldn't let you kiss me now or something along those lines". So throughout the day, their dad was run up to him or chase him and try to kiss him. It was so cute, because the son is grown and a father himself now. He didn't want to take any part of it, but you could tell he was coming from a place of love. His father also complimented the son that has my heart about how he always comes for important events and how he can always count on him.

The food was okay. I was too nervous to ask for ketchup and they spread BBQ sauce on absolutely everything. There also weren't potato chips. But I left the BBQ full, hot, and bitten by lots of mosquitos. After his dad's house we went to visit his cousins and their parents. They were all very kind and hospitable. They were outside smoking, talking, and sharing stories. One of his uncles does theatrical performances and had pictures of his last one. He did a Tyler Perry type of performance and was really into it. He said the ladies loved it and you could see the joy in his face talking about it. Most of his cousins are in relationships and have at least one child. One of their kids walked up to me and gave me a hug. She asked what my name was and told me her name. It was so sweet. I really appreciated that. They also took an interest in the fact that I was African. They said they wanted me and my man to host an evening at my house and they could all wear dashiki's. He also wanted to know if I could really cook or just "eggs and ramen noodles cook". Antwane confirmed that I can indeed cook. That made me feel good too.

After leaving there we were taking his brother to visit a friend. We ended up seeing his Great Uncle and Aunt sitting on our porch. We walked up to them. He was in a wheel chair. My first instinct was, "maybe he was a war veteran". I don't know why that was my first thought, but it was. We shook hands they pulled out seats so that we could join them. He told us that he recently had a portion of his foot amputated. He had an accident where something fell on his foot and that was the end result. He told this story with so much positivity and grace. You would think he was talking about something that happened to someone else and not him. He didn't believe that he would be able to walk again because he lost his big toe. But I loved the two of them as a couple. They were comfortable with each other and enjoying one another. It didn't seem like they really needed anything or anyone else. That's how I hope my future husband and I are someday.

We ended the night by going to the KC Riverfest. Just like for Thanksgiving, we made it there in perfect time. We arrived at the bridge about 2 minutes before the firework show began. We stayed for the entire duration of the show and then drove home. When we got back and dropped his brother off, we really ended the night in a romantic way. It was everything I could ever want it to be and more. I love him so much and after all this time, I felt even more loved than before. Couldn't have asked for a better day or a better man.

Song of the day: I Found a Boy by Adele

Quote of the day :"There is only one in this house. To love and be loved"

Love Yourself Girl, or Nobody Will.

Hello loves,

It's been a minute. This post is coming to you from my desk at work. The last 3 months have been filled with work work work work work. I technically have three jobs, but have only been working two of them this summer. I worked 14 hour days for the first time in my life. This last weekend, I was finally able to get a break and relax. It turned into a girls weekend, because everyone was in town for the Drake Concert. One noticeable change with my friend group over the last few years has been weight gain. Some of my closest friends have maintained the same weight. They were the ones that always watched their figure and had tiny bodies. The ones that take six bites and are full. That makes me so envious. After six bites my stomach is grumbling and yelling "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?". I kill my plates. On my first date with bae, I had tacos. Ended up with food all over my face. He had to give me a napkin to clean up. Same thing happened this weekend when I was eating my chipotle. I ended up with lipstick all over my face. Even my forehead. In the past I may have been embarrassed about something like that, but this is me. It makes me who I am.

Any ways, all my friends are upset about being fat. A lot of them have been talking about losing weight for the last 3 years now. They either stayed the same or gained weight, so its hard for me to take their discussion about weight loss seriously. In my mind, they are who they are. This is their big girl body and they have to embrace it and accept it. Since purchasing clothes in the correct size and no longer trying to squeeze into anything, my life has improved dramatically. I feel better and look better. The clothes that I buy accentuate what I have going for me instead of point out my flaws. Its amazing. I feel like a whole new woman. Wearing clothes in your correct size makes all the difference. Same goes for bras. I'm still working on that because a lot of my bras are not as flattering as I would like them to be.

Photos ended up being a huge topic of conversation this weekend. My cousin has decided that she no longer wants to take photos of any kind. I asked if she would be willing to take family photos just for memory and she still said no. There is no convincing her to take them. I think its because she would like to look a certain way to people who see the photos. The reality is, you look the way you look. Hiding behind the camera does not change the fact that people see you looking that way each and every day. So by avoiding pictures and really looking at yourself, the only person you are fooling is you. Everyone else knows that you look different.

My other photo story involves an attack. We took some photos in the parking garage prior to the concert. There were many photos at a lot of different angles. We looked at the photos and decided on one that we all liked. I accidentally downloaded the wrong one. I made the post sneakily while at work, because I did not want to miss the 7pm Instagram peak time. I was really excited about my post, because it's the first one I've posted in awhile. I was wearing a black and gold sparkly dress that I have had since last December. It was good to finally get the chance to wear it and show it off. I started getting likes instantly which isn't all that common for me. Its not uncommon either. After awhile, my friend texted and said she was crying because I used the wrong picture and she did not like how she appeared in the photo that I posted. She eventually confessed that the real reason is because someone she likes follows me. But this guy had two babies on her, so as far as I'm concerned he's irrelevant. It just really upset me. I realize social media is not that serious, but just once I wish I could post a good photo with friends like a normal person. It irritated me. I made the mistake of "You will learn to love yourself" and she took it as being judgmental. This particular friend is always criticizing me for things. She asked if she would be my maid of honor if I got married. I said yes, but it's a no for me dog. I need a maid of honor who will help me wedding plan, let me be a bridzilla, and stick with me through the planning every step of the way.

Song of the Day : Crooked Smile by J. Cole

Quote of the day: Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do.

Down To Ride Till The Very End, It's Me and My Boyfriend

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of doing dinner and a movie with one of my best friends. I wanted to really enjoy Memorial Day Weekend, because this summer will be a boring one for me. I am working 40 hours a week. Normally this would mean more fun activities, but I am currently stuck paying rent unexpectedly. It's $385 per month + electricity. When you make less than $10 an hour, that's basically your whole pay check. The day was okay.

Honestly, not as fun as the outings we usually have. I think it's because I get kind of uncomfortable in her home. Her mom has a bad attitude, and I don't think she likes me very much. We've had our ups and downs and her mom knows about them, so that may be why she isn't the biggest fan of me. But she always ends up yelling or making everything weird. She's super kind to our third musketeer, so I know that it's just something against me. I don't experience that at my house, because they all have grown to like this particular friend. My parents are very open and when they decide to make you family, you're family. I didn't experience this with a lot of my other friends, because they're awkward in general. I don't know if they have accepted this about themselves, but I have. I think its made obvious by their interaction with other friends as well.

We went and saw Book Club which is exactly what I wanted it to be. It was humorous, but basically a classic love story with a happy ending for absolutely everyone. When we were at dinner, one line from the conversation stuck out. We were talking about my relationship in little detail, because that's just how I am. She made a comment that stuck with me. She said, "you've been together through so much. Most couples don't go through that much in 5 years and you two went through it in one". That thought was on my mind all day, then I watched Red Table Talk with Gabrielle Union and Jada Pinkett Smith. Gabrielle was talking about her relationship with Dwayne Wade and she said, "The idea that a good woman or good future wife should have propensity to handle enormous amounts of pain and that's what makes you a good wife". She that that she had to redefine that notion. She said that people are not interested in pain or hurting their significant other,

I've been through a lot with my man. I don't regret it. All of it happened to humble me, bring me closer to God, show me what he was going through by going through it myself, teach me not to trust people, remind me that money gets you out of even the worst situations. The list goes on and on. I've learned and grown a lot from it. I've also cried a lot. So many tears. I wasn't ready for everything that came with a relationship. Maybe that's why God made me wait so long before sending the right person to me. I do believe that everything that we went through made us closer. Helped us grow. I appreciate everything we went through.

It's weird though, because we never got to have a honeymoon stage and just be a normal couple. I wonder how that affected us. It has made out intimacy extremely passionate from the start. That connection was always strong because we needed each other. We really do feel like one person a lot of the time, because his hurt was my hurt and my hurt was his hurt. It made our relationship stronger.

But where do we go from here? Is it okay that we feel a lot of new relationship things don't apply to us? Is it okay that we basically feel married? I don't know. But that's something I will be pondering today. It's nice to share it with you.

Song of the Day : Bonnie and Clyde by Beyonce and Jay Z

Quote of the Day : "All relationships go through hell. Real relationships get through it"

"Why not, take a crazy chance? Why not, do a crazy dance?"

Guess what's been on my mind?

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. I ended my last post saying that I would pick up my birth control pills from Walgreen, but I didn't. Because why would I get pills that keep me from my baby? To clarify, I don't just want a baby. I want a child. One that I'll love more and more each and every day. I want to be a mother. I've always wanted to be a mother. I have also always wanted to be a wife. I always pictured myself being a wife first and then a mother. But my circumstances are preventing me from doing that.

There is no way my boyfriend and I will be getting married in the next couple years. It's not because we don't love each other. It's also not because we're not ready for marriage. It already feels like we are in a marriage. We live together. We communicate with one another. We share finances even though a much heavier responsibility falls on him. We talk about career goals. We tackle all our problems together and come up with a plan to solve them together. Keep in mind I have a mini breakdown quite often. Bae has had to come up with lots of plans. Some of which are just "be still, have faith, and watch things work in your favor. The sky is not falling". He normally doesn't say the sky is not falling but that's what he means. He helps me calm down and happens to be right about everything. It's never ever as bad as I think it's going to be. We have fun with one another. A simple trip to Walmart can feel like a date, because we have so much fun with one another. He'll hide in the aisles and try to scare me or surprise me. He always sneaks cookies into the cart, even when we're dieting because cookies are important.

Update on School: I wasn't kicked out! I made the GPA that I need to stay in the program. Life is not ending. I had already started to think of my next steps and accepted the fact that I wasn't going back. This is because I was dramatic. The school had never said I would be dismissed. I just thought I would be. I tried to imagine life with a lot less money. It was stressful. I went to some job interviews and got hired right away at Home Goods. That will be my next summer adventure. I also worked my Crowd Systems job a lot more, because every penny counts. What I lost was comfort. My faith in a future I can see. But I didn't lose myself. For once, I felt like I could do something else and be happy. A career was never the only thing I wanted out of life. Love and family is what I've always wanted. It's been nice having love in my life.

I waited a long time for it. I'm happy that the hard work I put in is not going to waste. I'm happy that I get to work towards a career that will result in a job at the end of the journey. I'm happy that i'll be able to afford to pay off my student loans when the journey is over. I know that I will make a good community pharmacist. I have the knowledge, and I have the skills. I just have to go back to striving to be an A student and putting school first and foremost.

Which brings me back to my imaginary baby. The one I'm dying to make and will have a lot of fun making. The one I yearn for and think about almost all the time. Can I finish school if I chose to make a baby with the love of my life? I know it would interfere with study time and I would likely have to stop working to make time for the baby and studying. My love would have to continue to work both jobs to keep us afloat. That would leave very little time for him and the baby to spend with one another. I would be on my own. While that sounds fine to me most days, I've never taken care of a baby full time. On my own. It doesn't sound like the ideal situation.

But if I were to wait for the ideal situation, I couldn't give birth to a child until 2021. At 20121 I will be 27 years old. If I'm doing everything the way I'm supposed to, I wouldn't be able to have a child that year either. I'll need to find a job and work there for at least a year to make sure I'm stable and have insurance, savings, and everything the baby and I will need. So now I'm 28. If I waited that long, might as well get married. Let's say that the wedding happens from my savings and I'm still 28. That gives me about 7 years to make babies. A decent amount of time. But such a long wait. I'm going to be honest. I see a baby coming my way in the near future. I know that regardless I won't regret this decision. I can't regret something I want so badly despite thinking of how it'll make things harder for me. I just need this in my life. And who knows what'll happen? Maybe it'll take some time and wont happen right away. Then it'll be good that I start trying now.

Song of the day : Why Not by Hillary Duff

Quote of the Day : "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears" - Nelson Mandela

Hot Mess

This blog is where I found peace and solitude for all my middle school problems. I'm hoping that this summer, I can find it here again. My worst fear has come true, and I'm back in the same position that I was in May 2015 and December 2017. I have spent the better half of my life pursuing a certain field. How did I come to dedicate my life to this major? My parents always instilled in me that school was important. They believe that the key to a successful life is studying a field that has ample opportunity. They loved the healthcare field as I do. I like the healthcare field because you can find jobs anywhere you go. I liked the amount of zeros behind every pay check I would get. I didn't want to be poor. I wanted to live a nice lifestyle and support my parents. More than everything else, I wanted to make my parents proud.

Now I'm here. Again.

In Limbo.

Not knowing whether or not they will let me continue.

I do not like idly waiting for things to happen. I was this close to applying to 2 or 3 positions that caught my attention online today before I realized that would be opening one book before the biggest book in my life was closed.

Fearing the unknown. What if this is the end of any chance I had at success. What if all that awaits me is a low paying job and struggling to pay for an apartment month to month?

Thoughts about everything else I want in life. I have always wanted to find love and family. Maybe this chapter is ending so I can open the other chapter. Maybe I can take the love I have and hold so dearly and turn it into love in the physical form. Maybe I should have a baby. I've wanted a baby for so long. My womb yearns for it.

But am I selfish for wanting to bring a child into the mess I have made out of my life? Am I selfish for wanting a child while still being a child in the many ways that I depend on my parents? I know the answer to all those questions is yes, but if my heart wants something this bad it might be a sign. It might just be what needs to happen right now.

Or maybe I am looking for the wrong signs and the message about my birth control being ready for pick up is the real sign.

I guess when it comes to my thoughts about wanting to be a mom I have to think of it this way. I want to be the best mother can be. I want to be like my mother. My mother is kind and walks with God all the days of her life. (check. I think I'm there with this one). My mother has always been financially stable. Since I was born. (Not there with this one). I'm just going to stop there because financial stability is key. After this month, no more playing around with my birth control pills.

Keep in mind I safe that often then end up skipping anyways. Then my protection method turns into a mixture of that and the calendar method. Then I go into fears of kids not being part of God's plan for my future at all.

My life is many fears. All of it is fear of the unknown. I know that the faith of a mustard seed can move the mountains. But sometimes I worry my lack of faith isn't even the size of a mustard seed. I have struggled to talk to God through all of this. I missed two Sunday's at church which doesn't help. I missed the Sunday two weeks ago for studying and this Sunday for a friend's graduation. But missing two sunday's shouldn't be a big deal. My faith should be so strong that I view that as nothing.

Basically I'm a hot mess again. I think I'm going to relax. Work. Do things I love and wait for this dreaded dismissal email.

I can't even relax long enough to finish my post and gather my thoughts from it.

But this is where I am now.

Lost and then confused, I pray God finds me. Finds me with some good news.

"On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright. But this thing turned out so evil, don't know why I'm still surprised"

Signs My Relationship Isn't Healthy Anymore :

1. I yell things that are going to be hurtful way more often then I should. I've called him a "Piece of Shit" at least 5 times this week.

2. Helping him isn't something I do out of the kindness of my heart anymore. I do it bregrugingly, because I don't like being with someone that isn't financially stable and can't stand on their own.

3. I don't acknowledge anything he does. He always point that out to me and it's true. But every time we go on a date, all I can think is "he's wasting his money and I'm going to have to pay his phone bill, so is it really a treat? Or is it hurting me in the long run?".

He has changed a lot since I've met him and God heard my prayers, but he was at rock bottom. Even after making progress, he doesn't seem far ahead or even where he should be. He expects me to respect him for paying $385 rent at the Reserve every month. This is an apartment shared by 5 sometimes 6 people and 3 dogs. The people that live there are filthy. I hate sitting on the couch, because there is dog hair. I hate washing my clothes, because there's dog hair in the dryer to fine to be removed by all the other lint. I hate using the kitchen, because I'm germophobic and they use our glasses and utensils. Its always dirty and the sink sink and fridge have a foul odor.

Mind you, when I met him he was homeless. So this is progress, but its not something I would consider progress. It's just basic.

4. I no longer find peace in the idea that if I get my Pharmacy degree, he'll be spending my money. It's so backwards to me. I was always the girl who wanted to marry someone and spend their money. I worry that if I Become successful then he'll stop working and just live lavishly off of me.

5. He no longer wants children with me and continues to make that very clear. He says its because we're not financially stable, but I feel like it's because he's not so sure we'll end up together anymore. He says the same thing about marriage. All long term commitments have been completely pushed back.

6. I can't help but think he's cheating. He lies about people he hangs out with (lesbian girl and the Texas woman he chats with on the internet). That means he might be lying about a whole lot more. I know how he is with woman. He basks in their attention and reels them in with his sob story. He likes to tell jokes and make people laugh. Regardless of what he says, it's flirting. I don't want a boyfriend that flirts with everyone. Way too friendly.

7. It's gotten to the point where I don't really care if he's cheating. I just want to catch him doing it, so I don't have to live in this constant place of limbo where everyone sees something that I don't.

8. I can't tell anyone about the situations, because its too embarrassing. I'm ashamed of the way I've behaved in the relationship and I'm ashamed of the way I've let him behave as well.

I know that he met with our pastor after our fight this morning. If he told him everything, then I know there's a good chance the pastor told him breaking up with me would be the best choice moving forward. Our love does not resemble the christian romances or my idea of a christian romance. I feel like they don't fight the way we do. They have too much respect for one another. Our love isn't patient, kind, or slow to anger. It doesn't always delight in the truth. Instead of moving towards that kind of relationship, I feel like we're moving away from it.

I would be heartbroken if he chose to break up with me tonight. I really do love him and care or him. We've had good moments and been through a lot together. More than I've been through with anyone else. I've been stuck on this article about how you have 3 loves in your lifetime. I can't tell if he's number 2 or number 3. I hope God continues to open my eyes and show me the things I need to see.