"I love me..I love me enough for the both of us. That's why you trust me. I know you've been through more than most of us. So what are you so afraid of...?"

Jhene Aiko's opening line in From Time was brilliant. That was my favorite song off of Drake's Nothing Was The Same Album. There was so much truth to it. Jhene Aiko is a confident, beautiful young lady. She gets a lot of negative comments from people about being a whore because she had a child at a young age and hangs out with Drake a lot. We all know about the girls Drake "funds". Deep down inside we all want to be them. Well, maybe that's just me. When I've had a long day of studying the horror that is Physiology, I listen to the language and think about how great it would be to be the girl that just wants to smoke and fuck. I don't do either of things, and the grass is always greener on the other side. In my head, it would all be so simple if I was that girl. It's thoughts like these that keep you from being the person you were meant to be.

I'm not Jhene Aiko. I fully accept that. I'm Me. I'm short, stubborn, outspoken, opinionated, focused, and semi-organized. I'm also kind, excitable, full of the joy of the lord, positive, empathetic, and musical. I play piano for the cutest youth choir in the country and sing in my church choir. Christian youth groups scare me, because everyone's like the Duggars and wants to marry each other after three weeks of holding hands. Concerts make my heart happy. I love the lights, huge crowds of people all singing the lyrics that we've laughed and cried to, and the excitement that comes with being in the presence of someone loved by so many. I haven't cried in a public place since the first grade, and I just completed my sophomore year of college. None of these are things you can tell just looking at me. After many conversations and reaching a certain level of comfort, we can get to that point.

I hate the wait. I wish I had a sign taped to my back that said all these things, so people knew who I was right away. No misinterpretations or questions. Just openness. It is nearly impossible to get to know people these days. At least back when facebook was hot, you could see people's favorite things after first liking them. Their statuses gave a little insight to their daily lives and there weren't filters. These days everyone only posts things that make it look like their living the glamorous life. No one is ugly. I repeat no one is ugly, because there is a filter for absolutely every pimple, blemish, or bad hair day you will ever have. Everyone's fake perfect and no one is willing to let their guard down long enough for you to see those imperfections. Those imperfections truly are what makes a person beautiful.

No one believes that, but its so true. I recently got to know a guy that I never really found intriguing or attractive. He uses filters just like everyone else and he was cute, but nothing special. Before we had a conversation. Hearing him talk about the little things and big things gave me insight to who he is. Without the filters and without the act. He's been non my mind ever since. Those things I found just okay or irrelevant before make him so special now, because I see how they came to be. If I hadn't given up on love, I'd jump on that. But that's a story for a different day. I guess what I'm trying to say is always find a way to let who you are shine through. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. It's the people who are real and true that you want in your life anyways, and they will love you for those imperfections you hide under the Valencia filter (I'm guilty of that one too).

Song of the day: Real & True - Miley Cyrus and Future

Quote of the day : "Imperfection is Beauty. Maddness is Genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring" - Ms. Marilyn Monroe

"Who is that girl I see? Staring straight, back at me. When will my reflection show, who I am inside..."

Mulan was sort of a game changer for me. The year was 1998, and I was finally old enough to see movies in theaters. This was more convenient for my parents than it was for me. I got dragged to everything from How Stella Got Her Groove Back to Runnaway Bride and have fond memories of those 90s classics. My parents thought I couldn't understand...I could. But it made me a more mature, well rounded person. Once in awhile, I got to see movies I was interested. Mulan was one of them. I had so much admiration for Mulan. She wasn't a princess, but a warrior. She left her family, friends, and everything she knows to be something great. No one believed she could, but she was confident in the strength within. She got down and dirty with the boys and found her prince in the end. What a superwoman. Lets be honest, I didn't have those thoughts at four years old. I see these things now, but at the time I thought the cricket was funny and enjoyed the part where the chubby soldiar was forced to attempt to climb the pole. I was young, but  I see all these things now. Also in the spirit on honesty, this blog post wasn't really supposed to be about the greatness of Mulan.

More the song Reflection which is a beautiful ballad by Christina Aguleria. Reflection along with Beautiful are two songs about self-empowerment that came out before it was cool to lift each other up. It was before the anti-bully movement and Demi Lovato's Stay Strong tattoo. They were songs meant to empower woman and encourage them to accept what's within instead of whats outside. I struggle with that. Everything about my personality and the way I behave is designed to hide what's within. There's nothing bad within. I'm extremely proud of the person I am. Like everyone else, I'm a work in progress. I see God moving mountains in my life each and every day, but his work isn't finished yet. It's easy for me to be content with what's outside. I can cough up $300 for a good weave, get myself some $7 falsies, the perfect manicure from the Asains on 6th street or $15-$30, and an outfit from Forever 21 for less than $40 (jewelry included). If I have an issue with my weight, I can go to the gym and eat less cake. It wouldn't be easy, but it's possible. Top it off with a little makeup and I'm a more beautiful version of myself. Am I Kim Kardashian? No, but its enough to get through the day ridicule free. Am I living a life I can't afford? Yes. Should I have to do all those things to feel good about my physical appearance? No, but once again this isn't what this post is about.

An insult about personality hurts much more than an insult to looks ever could. Your personality is who you are. It's what makes me different from every 5'2", first generation African American teenager in the world. I can't change who I am and hearing that that's not good enough for someone just hurts. Shortly after seeing Mulan in theaters, I went through one of the biggest life changes of my childhood. We moved from D.C. to the suberbs. I was no longer in classes filled with students who had immigrant parents like my own. Everyone spoke English, not Spanish. You couldn't order Chinese takeout from the lady who cooked the food in her home, and not everyone knew about Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation. It was a culture shock. That's when I first remember being quiet. I watched a home video the other day. I was a five year old who spoke English with an African accent and couldn't stop talking, but moving to Kansas silenced me. I think it was so different I didn't know how to react, so that's the approach I took. I didn't react. I stayed quiet for twelve years after that.  Sure, I opened up to close friends and the few people that I interacted with. My cute little African accent went away, but my shyess never did.

My memory is pretty impeccable. I remember the first friend I made when I moved here. She is still once of my closest friends. I love her to death, but I didn't know what a lot of words meant. English was my first language, but I learned it from people who spoke it as a second language. I would ask her what she was talking about and she would tell me to "look it up!" with that elementary attitude. All of this played a part in silencing me. Diminishing my sparkle. It took a long time for me to get it back.

I knew that my reflection wasn't accurate. I've always known i'm not a shy, quiet girl. At home I talk more than everybody else. I'm wild and crazy. I'm passionate about absolutely everything and so strong in my opinions. After living like this for days upon days, I'm finally finding my way out of my shell. A journey I plan to share with you all in the next blog post.

Song of the day: Reflection by Christina Aguleria

Quote of the Day: "What lies before us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"God made my mold different from the rest, then he broke that mold so I know I'm blessed"

This blog has followed my journey through life for the past six years. My best friend suggested that I do it, and I had a lot of free time. I started documenting all of my junior high adventures. In the last six years I did everything from meet Trey Songz to travel to Dubai. I met new friends, lost old ones, and my most recent accomplishment is one that means all that and more to me. Last month, I got my acceptance letter to pharmacy school. I was in my African studies class when my cousin texted me saying there was a letter at home from the school of pharmacy. I was shocked, because I wasn't supposed to hear back until early April. I had just attended the Campus convention which is a day of great pharmacy related lectures and networking. I figured that the letter was either a survey questioning on my experiences there or a decline letter, because of how early I got it. Either way, I had to know. I power walked to my car and sped home. Being late to chemistry lab was the least of my concerns. I specifically remember having the thought that if I didn't get in, I didn't have to go to chemistry lab anyways. That part of my life would end.

I didn't realize how much I'd been enjoying my time in college until having to attend a different school was a possibility. I thought about how I would miss lunches in the underground, waiting in terribly long lines before basketball games, and the mountains and valleys I had to get through to go from my car to class every morning. I would miss the parties where I danced with strangers and encountered future NBA players. All of this was running through my head as I drove home. When I finally got there, I took a deep breath and opened the envelope. The first line was CONGRATULATIONS! and that was all I needed to see. (I did read the remainder of the letter later on).

The emotions I went through seeing that letter and going through the application period were indescribable. I've known I wanted to be a pharmacist since junior high. Something drew me into the profession. I've always had an interest in the health care industry, and I knew that I had to do good for my family. I have some of the smartest parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins a girl could ask for. Not all of them got the opportunity that I have to better themselves. I've been blessed with this opportunity and I couldn't be more grateful for an opportunity to do it for myself and to do it for them as well. Most people born in low income households stay in that position. Its a very tough situation to rise out of, and I managed to do that. I have four years of challenging coursework followed by a possible residency, but I have faith that with God's help I will graduate and practice for the rest of my life.

2014 is the year that I turn twenty. I'm going to leave my teen years behind and begin the period of life where I graduate, get my first career, get married, and have a baby...or four. I might read this and laugh later on, because my life takes a different direction, but I hope I'm right about most of it. I know my 20s won't be without challenges, but I'm excited to start this journey. To grow up and expand my independence. It's a very exciting time in my life, and it didn't feel right to let it pass without blogging. I've done it for every single up and down, so this one should be no different. Here's to new beginnings: to me, to you, and everyone else trying to make their dreams come true.

Song of the Day: The Man by Aloe Blacc & Do It by Myyko Montana

Quote of the Day: "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I was like Yo Trey, do you think you can buy me a bottle of Rose?"

On January 29th, my dreams came true. If you know me, you know that I love Trey Songz. For those of you who don't know, Trey Songz is an R&B singer. He was born Tremaine Neverson and is the man behind Bottoms Up, Say Ahh, Neighbor Know Me Know, Can't Be Friends, and my personal favorite Jupiter Love. By some miracle, he came to Lawrence and we met. It was a day I will never forget.

The day started relatively normally. I went to work at 8 am and didn't wear makeup or straighten my hair, because I took an extra fifteen minutes to snooze. From work I rushed to school then back to work then back to school one last time. My cousin picked me up to look for something to wear to the informational I was attending the following weekend. I didn't find an outfit in the allotted time, so I skipped tutoring and went to a few more shops. I eventually did find the perfect top. I loved it, and she hated it. Its the usual. After I went to a choir meeting where we had unseasoned tacos and shared awkward christian small talk. That's when I got the text, "Trey Songz is at the game *shocked emoji*. Before I knew it I was interrupting the awkward small talk and said, "Get up! We have to go!" to my friend. Everyone asked what was wrong. I followed by telling them it's the best day of my life and absolutely nothing is wrong. Trey songz was there!! The drummer on worship team I have a little crush on chose that moment to want to talk to me and offered me a ride, but I turned it down because TREY SONGZ WAS HERE! I had to speed to my friend Sharon's as fast as possible, because I knew she was the only friend prepared for this moment. Her and I share our love for celebrities, and we both have season passes to the game. I've been telling her and everyone else Trey would come for weeks. They all acted like I was insane, but deep in my heart I knew it would happen. When you want it bad enough, nothing is impossible.

I drove to Sharon's only to realize my hair wasn't straightened and I had no makeup on. I rushed to my friends house and used her makeup and straightener. Thank God someone my skin tone was close by. All of that time was wasted anyways because we ran all the way to Allen Field House and my hair was messed up and makeup melted off by the time we got down there. It was then that we began searching. We went to one area where the seats most rich people get were extremely visible.We looked and I couldn't find that beautiful chocolate face anywhere. Guess who we were apparently standing right behind? My crush. He of course thought we were looking for him. I made the mistake of saying "This isn't going to work" and he smiled thinking we were talking about him. I wanted to be like turn your head fool and watch the game (I love him, but he has a girlfriend now so just ew). As we wandered the stadium looking for Trey, he kept watching. This went on for about 30 minutes when we finally spotted him. We ran down to the exit by where he was sitting and stood patiently awaiting the end of the game. All the security guards said one thing, that exit was the only way we could leave.

We stood with a woman who had already met hit before. She had won a competition where her and a few other girls got to have lunch with Trey. We would all go in to sneak peaks at him, but he couldn't see us. The girl in a moment of braveness ran up to him. My friend Sharon and I got stopped of course and sadly walked back. Weirdly enough instead of focusing on the game, the basketball players were watching us. I think they were shocked that for once our attention was elsewhere. Eventually the game FINALLY ended and the team walked past us. They were high fiveing people, but I didn't really care that I won. I was waiting for Trey. He walked by so fast I almost missed it. He turned around and smiled, but it wasn't enough. My friend and I moved to location number 2. The players exit. We sat like we belonged there. Charging our phones and talking to each other. A man and his son were waiting with us. The man happened to know the entire KU basketball team. Every player that walked by would say hi to him and then small talk with us. It was nice. Andrew Wiggins came out and FINALLY agreed to take a picture with me. I couldn't be all that excited about any of these players, because my mind was on Trey.

Eventually we had waited like 2 and a half hours, no Trey in sight. I asked one of the players if he was still in there, and he said that he left to go get something to eat. That's when we realized Trey was truly gone. We power-walked back to our car and started planning our next move. I searched "Trey Songz is here" on twitter and sure enough a creep pic of him eating dinner in between two twin girls popped up. I would know that restaurant any way. Applebees. I live in a small town. There's only two. We drove over to AppleBees and parked right next to a chauffeur.  I knocked on the window of the car and asked, "are you Trey Songz driver" while peeking in the back to see if he isn't. He said, "Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not and smiled". I knew he was in there. We ran towards the window and tried to open the door. It was locked, because the restaurant closes at 12. We saw his cute self walking around, but keep in mind it was zero degrees outside. We ran into the car and patiently waited. Eventually, the car moved towards the restaurant so we ran to the door and waited for Trey. Guess who we saw there too? The man and his son along with two other old guys. Trey came to the door and of course I was the first one to speak up.

I said, "Hi Trey, Can I have a quick picture?". He goes "Yes! Of course!". The exclamation points were not in my head. He was extremely enthusiastic about it. He said, "let me just put the ladies in the car first". He opened the door for the twins to go into the car. They awkwardly looked at each other then go, "Do you expect us both to go in from the same side?" (how rude, right?) In the most polite of voices my husband says, "Well, one of you can walk around and open the door yourselves with a shade but no shade type voice". He then opens the door and comes in to say hello to us. I'm the first to walk up to him and I tell him I had a really good time at his concert last year. I tell him he should come back and do another show. He thanks me and says he plans to do it. He had a really great time. We take a fabulous picture and then I ask for a hug. He gives me a tight, perfect hug. I feel so safe in his arms. I take a picture of him and my friend Sharon. The man and his son are next. The man tells Trey about his son who passed away a few months ago and Trey's face just falls. You can tell he feels for the man. The man told him how his son only listened to Trey, Drake, and Kid Cudi. Trey smiles and says, "It's all love man" and gives the guy a hug. I didn't realize I went awww until I watched the video later. He then made small talk with the mans son. He asked the son to take a silly picture with him. It was super cute watching him interact with children. I know he'll be a great father to Tremaine Jr. and our ten children someday haha. The old men were boring and just asked for a picture. One of them was technology challenged and had to get the picture taken away. Trey goes "you need another one? He fucked it up huh?" while smiling. His friend/bodygaurd was making small talk with us. He was a really friendly guy. My friend and I decide to get an autograph. S asks him something about him being a real KU fan and he goes, "that was a good fucking game". He assures us that he plans to come back to Lawrence. It's finally time for Trey to leave. His friend told us they were going back to their hotel then flying to Kansas City in the morning. I give him a hug goodbye, and it feels so natural. He pulls me in closer and kisses my forhead. It was perfect. I still can't believe it happened to me. God is good.

Most importantly, he kissed me! Endless smiles forever.

"We live in the generation of not being in love and not being together. But we sure make it like we're together. Cause we're scared to see each other with somebody else"

Our generation is just unbelievably different from any one before us. There are some positives and negatives to these societal changes. I am very thankful for the GPS. Driving is hard enough as it is. I couldn't imagine being on the highway trying to make sense of a map and calculating miles by looking at the little box next to the speedometer. Way too much work. A friend of mine recently introduced me to this app called LuLu. You basically hook it up to your facebook and it gives you rankings on guys your friends with. You're also able to search different guys and get rankings on them. The rankings on a scale of 1-10 and their based on personality, looks, income levels, and general lifestyle information. People that have supposedly dated them, hooked up with them, or befriended them are the ones that make the rankings. Their not long paragraphs describing the relationship they've had with them, but hashtags that state things like "#ObssessedwithMom #CheaperThanABigMac, #RespectsWomen, #KinkyInTheRightWays so on and so forth. It's very fun to look through different people and see what people have said about them.

In all honesty, I initially thought the entire thing was wrong. We hate it when guys rank us based on features and stuff, but here we are doing the same thing to them. I know that you can't explain who I am through a series of silly hash tags, so why should I believe that these hashtags tell the truth about the guys Lulu talks about. Of course, after 24 hours I let go of those opinions and downloaded it. I may or may not have read posts about a couple crushes I've had and did a happy dance when people I liked didn't have a page. No page means they didn't hook up with anyone random or hurt anyone enough for them to write a nasty virtual review about them later. The previous sentence is our generations definition of a winning guy. It's so sad.

The same night I was introduced to Lulu, I watched the notebook with a friend. She had never seen it before, and I personally believe it's every woman's right of passage to see the notebook. It shows you how beautiful life can be for those who are lucky enough to find true love. Noah is the perfect gentlemen who treats Allie like a queen. He stands by her no matter how many times life gets in their way. He's a dream. I started thinking about what hashtags Noah's page would have. He would definitely have #CheaperThanABigMac because he wasn't the most well of of men. He would have #TooCoolForSchool, because he never went to college. On paper, Noah was kind of a loser. He wasn't educated and had a terrible job. He had a couple slow tendencies like the stuttering when he was young. He was a loner and didn't seem to have many friends, so there would be #loner or whatever creative way they would phrase that. After reading his page you would be lead to think that he wasn't worth giving a chance. None of those hashtags say anything about who the person truly is. There are some things that can only be learned from getting to know a person enough to realize that all these bad qualities make the person who they are. If it wasn't for all those bad qualities, the good qualities wouldn't shine as bright. So although Lulu is fun, it's shouldn't be the end all be all. Same goes for twitter, instagram, and all these social networks. They tell you about a person, but not who they are.

"She laid her heart and soul right in your hands. You stole her every dream and you crushed her plans"

Gabrielle Union has been the name on tip of many tongues in recent weeks. I want to start by praising her on her role in Being Mary Jane. The show is fantastic. I saw the first episode when they previewed it months ago claiming it was a BET original movie. The season officially started Tuesday, and I'm thoroughly impressed with it. Everyone check it out Tuesday Nights on BET at 9. Everyone is also talking about her big engagement to Dwayne Wade. One word can be used to describe this union : FINALLY! I feel like they've been together for a lifetime. I've never been one to root for this couple, because she stole him from someone else. Yes, I understand that men can't be stolen. They have coherent thoughts and play an equal role in any affair. So basically, their both scum. This situation is even worse, because Dwayne Wade got full custody of the children and their being raised by Gabrielle. The mother went mental (literally) as any woman in that situation would. It wouldn't have hurt me to be cheated on, or if he left. But it would have killed me to have my children taken away and be raised by the woman and man who tore apart my life. You carry a child for 9 months and the skank gets to raise them for free. So many issues, not enough tissues.

These are the engagement photos they released shortly after he popped the question.

They are an extremely adorable couple. Dwayne proposed to her in front of his two sons and nephew that they are raising. The little boys held up a song that said "Would you marry us?". Awww. It was very cute, and those kids earned a right to be involved in the decision. The problem is this is what we're taught to believe is "black love". Unlike other races, you can get a successful man but by the time you've found him God only knows how many children he's already fathered.  In case you didn't know, this celebrity news story doesn't end with the engagement or those three children. Gabrielle & Dwayne had a brief break up earlier in 2013. During this break up, Mr. Wade went and fathered his third child (fourth if you count the nephew). So she gets to start her new life with her husband as the step-mother of four with two different baby mamas involved. Awww, black love. Not. It's anything but fair. I'm bitter.

It's Gabrielle's decision to chose this life for herself. Everyone knows that once a cheater, always a cheater. He cheated to get her. He cheated on her, and he will do it again. What makes this whole thing worse is that Gabrielle is publicly blaming herself for her husband affair and this new child. Like WTF? Did you get a random person pregnant? No. Did you tell him to have sex with this woman? no. She says by being too involved in her career she played a part in the affair. That comment alone set women back fifty years at least. Because she didn't devote every waking moment of her entire life to pleasing him, it's okay that he cheated? If he was so bored, why didn't he take the time to raise and be with these children he keeps on producing. The fact that they took a short break, and he was able to move on that fast says something. What those two have isn't love. With enough prayer and reflection on past mistakes, they can make a change and possibly a happy life together. But if things keep going the way they are, they are not going to last. Don't buy the dream when they sell you one. This is not the ideal anyone should want for themselves.

Song of the Day: Stupid Boy by Sarah Buxton

Quote of the day: "All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy."

You stripped away the masquerade. The Illusion has been shed. Are you happy with yourself?

In yesterday's post, we established the fact that it was 2014. In case you didn't realize it, 2014 started off with a gigantic problem. My generation. Although I rarely claim them, I was born with this weird 21st century group of people. We're still trying to figure everything out, but there are endless issues with our generation that aren't being discussed. I'm going to take the liberty of doing it. The other day I saw a really cute guy at the mall. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, nothing really special but I say a sparkle in him. Yes, I said sparkle. Something inside of him shined bright and I was intrigued. All he had to do to win that moment from him was be himself. The most he did was wash his face. A 21st century girl wakes up, showers, washes their face, puts on foundation, powder, eye shadow, mascara, lip liner, lip gloss. Some will take it even further. Lately for me when I'm trying to look especially pretty, it involves some fake nail and eyelash action as well. This is all before we've even started on our hair. After all of this, you're pretty. You get a little attention now and then and life will be an easier journey because of it. You sparkle. But guys wash their face and that's good enough to us. That double standard feels so unfair! I'm not saying guys should start wearing fake eye lashes to make their eyes pop, but I'm saying guys in our generation should be able to see something in us just the way we are like we do with them. No ones forcing our generation to put on make up or anything, but it's a social norm. I know I am not alone.

The issue is that girls are taught to strive for perfection and marriage. Boys are taught to play sports and get as many hoes as possible. Some of these lessons are learned through example. Parents, guardians, etc. And others happen when they get to college, join a frat or a team or whatever and they see what that culture is like. They embrace it, and the years of lessons passed on by two really great parents or guardians disappear into the dust. It is so sad. Sure, they'll find their way when their 30 or 40. Settle down. Do more and smoke less, but that is a long time from where we are now. Speaking of smoking, almost everyone does it in some fashion. Did I mention it was 2014? We all know about health practices. The long term affects of decisions made in our youth. All of these facts are imprinted in our minds from a young age, but we'll give it all up for a few minutes of confidence. We live in a generation of people who feel like they can't be themselves without taking some kind of mind altering substance. They can't open up and be who they are unless they can fall back on the excuse "I was drunk". It's sick that we have to hide behind alcohol, makeup, or whatever other crazy clutches people are using. Why not just...be yourself? Whether people like you or hate you, its who you are. You can hide it all you want, but eventually they'll know who you truly are. If they never liked that in the first place, all you really did was waste precious time.

We are a society more comfortable posting naked pictures of ourselves on instagram than we are telling people about our interests and lives. Because the fact that we like watching the bachelor, have a cat, an acne problem, no close friends, nerdy habits or whatever is embarrassing to people these days is just too much of a burden to bare. This says so many different things about society. Not to be one to slut shame, but 1. Our standards are different than any generation before us. Sure Madonna wore the cone bra and there were always strippers and stuff, but regular people didn't post daily naked or practically naked shots. No one went to parties in underwear and stockings (a sight I've scene multiple times in recent months. Yuck.) 2. We're constantly self destructing with alcohol, drugs, and STI's. 3. This is the new normal. No one is doing anything to stop it and nothing has changed. What does this mean for my future, or your future? I don't know. I just don't know.

Song of the Day: Petty Hurts by Beyonce

Quote of the day: "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society". - Jiddu Krishnamurti