"On a Wednesday, In a Cafe. I watched it begin again.."

Monday was the first day of school. I may be in college, but I still get excited about the first day. I went shopping about a week before and got a couple possibilities and felt pretty confident with my choice. I wore jean capris with a blue and brown top that had short sleeves with a little cutout in them. I felt cute, confident, and five pounds lighter then I actually am. woohoo! Once I got to school there was a moment of panic. The University of Kansas is a school with 24,577 people. Being 1 out of that amount, you feel a little small.
Especially after a long summer of being in an empty town where you could be on your own until the sidewalk ends. I walked into my first class of the day with 648 people in it. It was a little overwhelming. The good news is today is Wednesday, and I'm already back in the swing of things. It doesn't seem quite so intimidating anymore.

The classes I'm taking this semester are :

Organic Chemistry + the lab
Microbiology + the lab
Advanced Kiswahili  (class of 2. Me and another person of African decent)
West African History and Civilization

The labs were boring, but my lectures were actually not too bad. The two electives of course were the most exciting. The West African History professor is such a joy. He's an older man about to retire next year. He has a such a passion for West Africa. It's honestly not something I've ever seen before. He isn't from Africa, but he has an undeniable passion for the country. For those who don't know, I'm East African and both places are very different. I know nothing about West Africa except the people from there braid really tight and at some point liked big girls (i.e. the movie Phat Girls). A west African girl in my class raised her hand and asked him how he became so interested. He said "In my youth, I faught in Vietnam. My sister told me to run away to Canada, but I didn't have a penny to my name. I fought a war that I didn't believe that and lost faith in my country again. I went to Ghana and fell in love with it there. Never looked back". She said, "Wow. Normally no one cares.." it was said with the sweetest sadness. It's true. Most people don't care about Africa. They care about starving children in Somalia, the world cup, and animals, but n one realizes that there's so much more to the country then that. Even me at times. I have a geeked out excitement for this class. If it stays this interesting, there will definitely be more updates.

I'm contemplating joining a sorority. I know this seems weird, because I'm in the type of friend group that dumps on sororities all the time. A lot of people consider it buying friends or just silly. I personally do get tired of seeing all the pictures of people holding up their little triangle signs or whatever on my facebook timeline. The sorority I'm considering is much different from those. That's a traditionally black sorority. The girls in it seem fairly friendly. I don't really know if I can afford it or if I'd even like it once I joined. It's a for life type of commitment, so we'll see where it goes. I'm not much of a risk taker, so it probably won't go anywhere.

I also joined the Black Student Union. The first meeting was actually pretty nice. I didn't really stay to chat or meet anyone, but it seemed like a pretty great bunch of people. I enjoyed the meeting and don't plan on quitting.

Hope all of your first week were as interesting as mine, and those of you who are done with school and just working. I'm sorry. Work is hard, and I feel your pain. This email is coming to you from my un-air conditioned cubical at work. Yes, it's over 90 degrees outside.

Song of the day: Just Hold On We're Going Home - Drake

Quote of the day :
"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." - Martin Luther King Jr. (50 years since he delivered his I Have A Dream speech today. His contributions to society are immeasurable. God rest his soul.)

"Losing him was blue like I've never known, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met. But loving him was red".

On Saturday, August 3rd I experienced amazement. Something absolutely wonderful. This wonder is known as The Red Tour and stars Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, and Florida Georgia Line. Every second of it was everything I wanted it to be and more. We initially had these terrible seats in the 200 section. As a frequent concert goer, I can no longer stand seats way up there. I know that makes me a total stuck up person, but it's just not the same. I like to see my performer with my own eyes, and to feel the beat of the drum not shake from the sound of the speakers. Being up close and personal is the best & only way to fully experience a concert.

As a frequent concert goer, I can also say with confidence that the Red Tour was above and beyond what most tours are. There were flying drummers, confetti, indoor fireworks, costumes (in the literal sense of the word), several different stage arrangements, and three different stages in general. Taylor Swift is one of the only performers of her stature who's willing to crowd surf and get up close and personal with her fans. She has fun! That's so rare. To see someone on stage having that fabulous of a time, and that in awe of her own fame. If it's acting, then I fell for it. She seemed genuinely excited to be there the entire time and just shocked by all the love she was getting. She sold out two back to back shows at the sprint center in minutes! Very few artists can do that.

So I've told you about all the magic. I left the arena absolutely wonderstruck. Can you believe that some people left without the slightest spark of excitement? It made me realize that a majority of Americans have lost their wonder. They are given so much that they can't truly appreciate when something is truly fantastic. There were many little girls at the concert. Seeing all those little ones made me think of my nieces. I've been communicating with them more frequently lately which makes them for lack of a better word more real. In Khaled Hosseni's new book And The Mountains Echoed, he has a character that goes back to his homeland somewhere in the middle east. He meets this very sick girl who needed his help. Originally her pain was always on his mind. He wanted to do everything he could to help her. But as he stayed in America, he slowly began to forget the intensity of her struggles and the ones that many others face in that area. After going back to Africa this summer, I see how that is.

At first you're just so into trying to do anything you can to help the people there. Then you fall back into this haze where spending $40 on a manicure seems reasonable even though most people don't even have $40 to spend the entire month in other countries. Anyways, as I was seeing those little girls singing along to Taylor Swift, holding up their signs that she's never going to see, and being surrounded my indoor fireworks and confetti. I thought of my little nieces and how they will probably never get to experience anything like that. Never. They'll never get to experience a clean public bathroom let alone an arena that holds thousands of people with fireworks and a stage, and any of that.

So when you're sitting in an arena experiencing the magic that is this life we live, you should do everything in your power to appreciate it. Simply breathing is a blessing, but getting to live a life of such privelage like many in this country get to do makes me grateful beyond measure. I feel like I'm the only one who realizes this. This is why I'm bubbling with excitement at every moment. Why I strive to feel alive. I'm Alive by Celine Dion is my jam. When I hear it, I dance. Why shouldn't I dance? With all the blessings in my life, I have no right to go through my day to day life without appreciation for anything and everything. Those red moments are everything.

Song of the day : Red by Taylor Swift

Quote of the day: "Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year"

"What's real is something that the eyes can't see, what the hands can't touch, what them broads can't be, and that's you"

All summer I've spent two hours every Monday night watching Desiree find love on The Bachelorette. I fell in love with the concept of this show last fall, so this was the first time I got to see it reversed. She dates 25 men in an eight week period. What I loved about this season was that it wasn't easy. On Sean's season of the bachelor, he had 25 women who were absolutely in love with him and acted perfectly. Even the goodbyes were just the right amount of tears. Just enough that the mascara didn't smear. But I've learned in the past couple months that life isn't like that. If you're really living, Mascara will smear and your heart will break. You'll cry, you'll hurt. It's the tears and the pain you go through that prepare you for the joy to come. If it wasn't for the heartache and long nights, you don't realize just how wonderful your day to day life is. Desiree spent seven of the eight weeks in love with this guy Brooks. There's nothing wrong with Brooks aside from his old man hipster status. He just wasn't my type. We all watched desiree fall deeper and deeper in love with Brooks, and Brooks have little to no feelings for her. She couldn't see it!

I've been delusioned by blind optimism before, so I was especially interested if she would be able to let go of her fantasy in order to appreciate the wonderful man that was right in front of her. Chris was the best choice. The best choice is never the perfect one. We live in a world that strives for nothing less then perfection. The plus side to this is that we're hard workers and do everything we can to be the best we can be. The downside of this is that no one can achieve perfection. Everyone has some kind of flaw weather it be big or small. So you make the most of what you having with what you can be and the courage within. 

Our society encourages us to be the best version of ourselves. Lately I've been seeing that as encouraging each other to put concealer on the zits that are our imperfections. We're encouraged to lie to ourselves and the public about certain flaws, but pretending their not there does noting to make them disappear. Being yourself should never be a struggle or something you have to work towards. The best version of yourself is you just the way you are. If people don't happen to see the good in the person you are, then they're the ones with the flaws not you. 

Back to Chris. Chris is tall, athletic, and handsome. He's also pretty corky. A simple dresser. Sweet personality. Close with his family. He writes cheesy poems to express his feelings, and he gets excited about everything. In the words of J. Cole, he's the crooked smile guy. Originally, Desiree wasn't able to see the beauty in the crooked smile. But when she finally did she realized it was much greater then the ten years of braces smile. The imperfections built character and allowed it to be easier to see what was within. That's what's most important anyways right? Congratulations to the happy couple and I wish nothing but the best or them. 

I hope that I can someday find someone with all the right imperfections, and I'm smart enough to look past the little things into the person as they are. Not the best version of them, but what is. t

song of the day: Crooked Smile by J. Cole

quote of the day: 

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” - Marilyn Monroe

"It's Got Mountains; It's Got Rivers; It's Got Sights That Give You Shivers, but it sure would be prettier with you"

Having family in another country is a really difficult thing. Maybe those of you with family in different states feel the same way, but it can't be that bad. As I've mentioned multiple times this summer in this blog, I have family literally everywhere. Those who are in different states here in the U.S. I've been closer to, because every few years I get to see them and be with them. The reconnecting happens. With my family that lives in Great Brittan or Africa, it had been 9 years since I had seen most of them. The recent passing of my cousin was an overall difficult experience. She made me realize (among many other things) that blood is much thicker then water. I really hurt for her and still am hurting for her. The song If I Die Young found itself to me, and it makes me think of her. That and When I'm gone. Through all of what happened though, I couldn't help but wonder if she would of felt bad if things were reversed.

I loved my cousin, but like most of my other foreign cousins it's not like we really spent lots of hours having long conversations. I couldn't tell you her favorite color, or what her first day of high school was like. Since we normally see each other for a 3 or four week period at most you never really get close enough to talk about the really juicy stuff. But after her passing, I just felt a much stronger connection to the cousins that I have left. But my stronger connection made me realize that it may be one way. I don't think they really feel it that much. The ones in Africa are each others best friends. We have such a big family that it really isn't necessary to have friends outside our little family circle. There are boys and girls for each age group and they all love each other like brothers and sisters. It's stuff like that I wish I could be a part of. I do have some cousins that are best friends here in the U.S. , but there's only like two of us at a time. It's not the same.

My cousin who passed away and her little sister were always the relatives that showed me the most love. From when I was a little girl to just last year, they always cared for me. The younger one is closer to my age, so in the past we had a lot of good times together. This time...I didn't see her. She didn't really come visit me and we didn't reconnect until the wedding happened. None of my cousins came to visit me. I can't blame them. They don't know me. We're strangers. The one I give the most credit too is my little niece. I love that little girl. She's 13 and would come visit me or want to hang out all the time. She would tell me about her dreams and what she wants to be when she grows up. How much her brother annoyed her. All the regular teenage girl stuff, and I loved being able to be an aunt to her. Unfortunately, it's hard to keep the connection as strong when someone's so far away. If I see cute dresses in her size and I have the cash, I always try and get one to send to her. She texted me recently as sweet as ever and that made me day, but it also made me sad. It could be another 10 years before I see her. I was already so surprised at how grown up she was. Imagine how she'll be after 10 years?

From the way I'm talking you can see that I'm ripped in half. Part of me feels like a connection with my relatives is impossible, because I'm so far away. I went all the way over there and most of them showed no interest in me..so that settles it? Right? Wrong. Because I do love them. It terrifies me that one day I'll get have children and they won't know their relatives or any of my family members. Then generations will come and it'll be like we don't even have any family far away anymore. I'm starting to think thats the unfortunate fate, but we'll see what happens.

song of the day : When I'm Gone (cup song) by Pitch Perfect

quote of the day : “You don't know how much you really miss someone until you see them again.” - Steven Monaco

"Father, help us. Send some guidence from above. Cause people got they got me questioning. Where is the Love?"

Hello everyone,
Guess what? Oprah changed my life again. I have to give you a little bit of Me and Oprah history. Growing up, every day at 4:00 we had Oprah on. It didn't matter what she was talking about or who she was interviewing. There was always something to learn. Well now, there's OWN network as most of you probably know. You don't even have to wait until four, because she's on all day! I know...I know, I'm a desperate soap opera watching housewife in the making, but you really do learn a lot. I recently had the opportunity to watch her Dark Skin documentary. It taught me a lot of stuff I didn't already know which probably sounds funny seeing as I'm a dark skinned person.

I have one of the weirdest ,most unique families ever. I wouldn't trade it for the world though, because its been a blessing and helped form the way I view life. In my family there are Tanzanian, Kenyan, Australian, German, British, French, and Sweedish citizens. And I'm not telling the story we've all heard many times about I'm 1/10006th this or that. All of my family originates from Zanzibar, but they're all over the world now and have married all kinds of people in those locations. We have dark skin people, mixed people, white people, black people, christian people, muslim people, and a jewish person. Every single one of them is beautiful. I'm not just saying this, because of the new trend. It's true. We're all as different as people can be, but we're a family and it works. Its all love. Growing up in that kind of environment, I see people not traits. Not everyone was lucky enough to have that opportunity.

The light skin vs. dark skin war was probably around even before the blond vs. brunette war. Unfortunately, instead of disappearing with time it's growing. They claim this battle stemmed from slavery, and there is some truth in that. But it's all over the world, even in places where there was never slavery. Back in the days when slavery existed in the United States, lighter skinned people were chosen to work better jobs with more interaction, because they looked more Caucasian. What started as one persons opinion soon became the life, truth, and way. The issues of years ago affected a gorgeous little eight year old girl today. She was featured on the special. She didn't believe she was pretty and at such a young age she hated herself. She felt that she was treated differently because of the way she looked. Not by people different from her this time, but by her own people.

This little girl wasn't the only one featured in the documentary. They "ironically" found some darker toned people and asked them what kind of girls they prefer. There were no tricks or judgment. It was a resounding chorus of light skin. To the defense of three of the men, they did say it's the heart and personality that matters. The rest of them must have forgotten to look at the woman who gave birth to him, and the reflection seen every day in the mirror because they were screaming chants of "what I look like is ugly". They didn't see it though. That was the funny part. They just kept talking about how bad people with dark skin are without realizing they're a part of the very thing they were making fun of. They say ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I think so. Maybe these men walk a little taller by ignoring who they are and where they come from, but that very type of thinking made that poor little girl shrink inside.

The documentary talked about how people in other countries lighten their skin using chemicals. That one hit home. I told you I have every type of person in my family right? Well we have skin lighteners too. It's only a couple people. An image of poor MJ (may he rest in peace) probably popped up, but it's not like that. It literally lightens you to whatever shade you're looking for. A lot of them turn out a very light brown. About Kim Kardashian's shade. I can't tell you if it happens all over your body cause I've never seen them naked or anything, but they've done it. Do they look like Goddesses's after? I wouldn't say so. They look beautiful, but they always were. Same features, same everything. Just a different color. I know some of you may be judging them right this minute. Accusing them of betraying their race or just being plain stupid. But can you blame them? This isn't the only form of transoformation around. Thousands in asian countries get plastic surgery every year to have eyes that look more like that have "the look". We live in a society that idolizes light skin. Barbie is one of the first tastes of femininity a little girl gets. What does barbie look like? Blond hair, blue eyed. It makes sense for her to look that way in America. That's what a majority of people look like. But Barbie is everywhere, and for a majority of the world she doesn't look like them. That's a whole different story in itself.

At the end they talked about just how deep the problem goes. What do we wear to funerals? Dark colors. Everything bad in society has a dark connotation.That's not something that could change over night. Oprah's goal in this special was to start the conversation that's been underground. Her talking about it made me notice it even more in some recent instagram photos. I thought I'd share them with you.

The top picture is hating on the girl who has extensions, and the bottom picture is them making fun of the girl that doesn't have extensions. Don't even get me started on the whole "bitches be like" thing. We live in in a society that makes in incredibly okay to degrade people. Women, people of color, the less fortunate. Everything's a joke. Well this rant is over. I hope it opened your eyes in the way it opened mine. I can only hope and pray that my future daughters won't have to go through what that little girl in the documentary is going through. Maybe Martin Luther Kings dream will finally 100% come true. Someday..


 Song of the day : I have a Dream by Common (Freedom Writers soundtrack)

Quote of the day : "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

"Lead me with strong hands. Stand up when I can't...Show me you're willing to fight. That I'm still the love of your life".

It can be kind of hard for me to figure out exactly what I want. When I started writing out my thoughts on this blog, it became a little more clear as the days went on.  Maybe that will happen again. My number one goal at this moment is getting into pharmacy school. That means maintaining my grades, volunteering, and soaking in the information I learn now so I can put it to good use later. I would also like the basics that everyone wants : to be a good person, grow in my faith, lose weight, keep a positive outlook on life, get married and have children before I'm old (30) and achieve happiness. The first word that came to mind was a state of contentment, but I want to aim higher then that. Happiness. I realize that this can't be gained by checking every factor off my list, but it's definitely a start.

When I get married was trending on twitter. A lot of it was jokes for days, but some of it was serious and made me think a little deeper. What do I want?

1. The first thing that popped in my head is this song. It's called Lead Me by Sanctus Real. The chorus goes
"Lead me with strong hands/stand up when I can't/don't leave me hungry for love chasing things/Show me you're willing to fight that I'm still the love of your life." Here's the link if you're curious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl6szsGsE1s . The words just resonate with me. I want someone who's willing to lead. To be a man. I want someone who's affectionate that believes in what we have. Believes in it so much that they would go to hell and back to make it work.

2. Someone I can grow with. Most people get divorced, and say "they're not the person I fell in love with" . Of course they're not. When you fell in love you were young with an entirely different set of problems. It was just you, no children. You're supposed to grow together as one unit and do your best to compromise and move in the same direction. I would like us to have similar goals, but be comitted enough to the relationship to know how to sacrifice.

3. I want a best friend. Someone I can talk to about anything and everything. Someone I can laugh with and someone I can cry with. The kind of person who will get excited with me about the silliest things and always be my partner in crime. I should never have to be anything other then myself around them. It should be one hundred percent open and honest. I read somewhere about Channing Tatum and his wife. We all know Channing Tatum is a real catch in more ways but one. But every day him and his wife ask ask each other "how much do you love me today?" . They answer with a number on a scale of one to ten. When it's more of a two kind of days they talk about what it is their missing and why their unsatisfied. When it's a ten kind of day they thank each other for being 100% into what they have. I thought it was beautiful.

4. I need a God fearing man. Religion is so important to me. It makes me who I am, and it encourages me to live my life the way I do, because I see the bigger picture. I would like someone who encourages me and helps me grow my relation ship with God. A believer who's willing to remind me of the light at the end of the tunnel when I feel down and helpless.

5. He needs to be open to different cultures. I'm an African girl. I speak swahili when i'm excited. I cook African food. I think I look my prettiest when my henna's done right. I need someone who could understand that side of me and feel comfortable in that kind of environment. They need to understand both of the cultures that I'm a part of , and I realize that that's no easy task.

6. I  want someone who could be a great father to our children. They don't have to be one now, but someone that could grow into it. Someone that could support them. Be a man who show's a little boy how to be a man, and a little girl what she deserves. Someone who's involved in the soccer games or choir concerts.Someone like my own dad. I'm young now and not really ready to have anyones baby. Occasionally I catch the fever, but I don't get carried away.
             
   b. I would prefer if they didn't have a baby mama. I get that at this point in time that's really rare and hard to find. I don't have the typical black girl "that chick trapped my man" hatred. Here's the thing. When you have a baby with someone, it connects you in an unbelievable way. For the rest of your lives and that childs you have Christmas's, birthday's, and everything else that comes with loving that child. You also have love for the woman that gave you that child. You can't have two families and one happy home. At some point you're going to have to sacrifice someone one family needs for the other. You're always in two places feeling like maybe you should be at the other. Someone loses and it just doesn't seem like a fair situation. I'm also not really up for the whole "sister wives" thing, so I just can't see that working out.

7. Someone I can talk to about everything and anything. Every single fear I have, every little hope I have for the future. Someone who's willing to listen to me blab about the Kardashians and listen to the silly songs I write when I'm in one of those moods. Someone I can laugh with. The little things, the big things. Laughter is so important.

8. I need someone that brings out the best in me. The kind of man that's strong enough to say no or tell me what I'm doing is wrong. I can't promise that i'll never lose my way, but it helps to have someone that has my best interest at heart to lead me back to where I need to be. To never let me lose sight of who I am and where I came from.

9. I like cuddling. I like the line from the song chasing cars "If I just lay here..if I just lay here with you..Will you lie with me and just forget the world?". I don't want the kind of person I always feel like I have to impress. We should always have to dress up or ever feel not good enough. It needs to be the "hair tied, sweats on, chilling with no makeup on. That's when you're the prettiest I hope that you don't take it wrong" kind of relationship.

10. Everything I want can be summed up by one of my favorite Bible verses. Corinthians 13: 4-8 "Love is Patient. Love is Kind. It does not envy; It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails".

"She will, and she can find a man who knows her worth...."

Teen pregnancy, the epidemic that has taken the nation. As a teen myself, my entire Facebook timeline could be called "a single mothers lament". Pictures of their baby's, shots at the missing baby daddy, and complaints about how they miss "fun" and "friends". It's very hard for me to sympathize with them, or anyone who knew what they were getting into when something happened. If you want to walk across a tightrope with no harnest like that awesome guy yesterday on the discovery channel, go ahead! I won't stop you. But if you fall 700 ft. , I will not shed a tear for you. You knew that there is gravity, and that what you were doing isn't safe. Will I cry for your children? Your wife? Yes, because they didn't have a choice in the matter and are left to deal with the consequences of your choice.

Back to teen pregnancy. I have a public service announcemnt. It's 100% preventable. There are very few "tragedies" that are 100% preventable. It's not even worth calling a tragedy if there's an obvious way to keep it from happening. It's called, keeping your legs closed. Is sex fun? Probably. Is the person your with going to push you to do it? More then likely. Do you have to do it? No. No one can force you to do anything you don't want to.If they are is that really the kind of person you want to spend your time with and share your life with. So many people have unsafe sex knowing good and well that's how babies happen. You want to risk it? Go ahead, but don't expect someone to feel bad for you or pay for those diapers and bottles for you. Babies are a blessing. I'm a hypocrite, because I don't believe in abortion. This kind of goes back to my philosophy on, I don't feel bad for you if you knew what you were getting in to. If the government provides you with planned parenthood, free condoms, free birth control in bigger cities, and makes sure to teach every single one of you about abstinence and preventing pregnancy, then you have been fairly warned. You knew what you were getting into and the time has come to deal with you consequence. That's how you learn.

Even I know that ideally everyone learned from their mistake, but not everyone does. My own cousin started having children right after her teen years at like 20. She proceeded to have five children about a year apart after that. She is raising all five alone. After five, she stopped. That was all she could handle. She learned her lesson. Is over population a problem? Yes, but I personally believe the world has a way of taking care of these things. Not to be the worlds biggest downer, but there have been multiple amounts of mass killings of people in each generation. The wars, shootings, and such kind of take care of that problem on its own. It breaks my heart, and I wouldn't wish such terrible things on anyone, but..you have to see where i'm coming from. If it's 100% preventable, and we all know how it's preventable then is it really a tragedy or a choice? That's all I'm trying to say.

song of the day: A Woman's Worth by Alicia Keys (knowing your worth and having this kind of confidence can also help you prevent yourself from these sticky situations.)

Quote of the day : Smart girls open their minds, Easy girls open their legs, and foolish girls open their hearts.