"I just need somebody to love/I-I don't need to much/Just somebody to love" - Justin Bieber

I feel diffrent. Its amazing the diffrence that one second can make in a life. It can take one second to bring someone into the world and one second to take them out. Seconds pass without notice. Moments become lifetimes. Its weird. All I know is that latley my emotions and my feelings have been changing second to second. And then my mind keeps going back to the one thing all hopeless romantics go back to love.

Have I been in love? I don't know. But I do know that I've felt pretty strong about certain boy (s) out there. But never strong enough to be myself, the best me I can be. Its weird. I just I feel like sometimes I'm one person, to the public eye but inside me theres a greater person. The person i'm ashamed or afraid to show. I don't know why. I had this problem forever. I guess i've become so good at keeping up a sharade of "Mariam" that it seems weird to just do what I really feel. And I guess latley i've been thinking that maybe if this one perfect boy really knew the me on the inside, the one thats hiding, he would love me.

But how do you stop a sharade thats been going on for 15 years. I guess the first step for me today is to share this inner me with the world, then some how manage to show some perfect boy what I really am.

1. I'm not really quiet. I talk a LOT when I feel really comfortable around people. I talk about nothing and everything. And when i'm really close to a person I go into pyscoligist mode in talking which leads me to number two.

2. I like helping people with their problems. And most all the time I have a great solution to whatever the problem is. But I'm always too scared to push peoples buttons so basically everyone in my life, yes everyone, gets the edited version of me. I guess part of me dosen't want to loose good people to my big mouth.

3. I have ever changing intrests. I like most everything music realted. I like playing my instruments but I just don't like practicing. I wish you could just pick up an instraument and be good. I don't like having to play boring songs. I want to get right to the hard stuff like bohemian rhapsody. I am just now learning to enjoy the piano.

4. I'm pretty easily freaked out. But I don't show it so I end up staying all night thinking about the evil serial killer or mutated animal thats loose. I think its part of why I like the idea of married life so much, theres someone sleeping next to you when your scared to make you feel safe again

5. In 1st grade I made the rule that I would never again cry in public. I haven't since. Its part of my outer shell. You can hurt me a million times but you wont know, the only person that will know is my shower where i'm free to cry when things get tough

6. I was recently told that I am the defintion of a prep... :/ Its true. No I am not mean girls but I love drama t.v. like gossip girl. And I love to read girly books. My room is pink. I could spend an hour on my nails and consider it time well spent. I love to shop, shopping is my passion. Especially for tops and most recently shoes. What comes with shopping expertise is noticing not so cute outfits from a mile away. I to this day have never insulted anyones outfit face to face though, i'm good at keeping things inside. But brightly colored rompers with parrots on them...YUCK

7. I find it hard to look people in the eye when I talk to them , so a lot of people label me as shy or a lier. But I just can't. Its really weird. I do my best but I end up looking down a lot. I just feel exposed for some reason when I look someone in the eye for like an our strait. Its like i'm an open book, or standing out in nothing but a bra and my underwear. When someone is free to look at your eyes its almost as though their reading your heart.

8. I really hate giving stuff away to my cousins in africa. I know this sounds really cruel. I have never admitted it and I always agree too but deep down inside I hate it. Its not cause i'm a pack rat its just that I feel like I have zero connection to them and their going around wearing my clothes that i've had a whole life in. My memories are on people I don't know. Its kind of why i'm opposed to thrift stores. Those are other peoples memories, who knows how dirty of memories. Anyways I know its the right thing to do, but i'd much rather give my stuff to someone I have a personal connection too.

9. When I like something, I really like it. When I first heard love story by taylor swift I think I listend to it like 100 times in a month. When I fall, I fall deep and i honestly never get over whatever it was that I liked.

10. I have a type, in boys I mean. Theres a type of boy I just like. And its not physical. Its a personality that I like. I really musical, ambicious boys. I also like them to be not so intmindating, and free to be a little exposed. I like boys who can make me laugh, and don't fill the need to fill every second with talk. There are some moments that are better appriciated in silence.

11. I hate bugs. The truth is I haven't been scared of a bug since I was three. But I really dislike them so I keep on the fear of spiders and bugs just so someone can kill it. And I don't want that someone to be me. Thats a life, and what if their bug germs get all over me. So at home when theres a bug I put on the whole sharade so my daddy will kill it :)

12. I'm a little on the messy side. I'm not a full on messy person but every once in awhile I just end up putting a ton of papers on my desk and it gets really unorganized. I also have my own system of "neat" going for me with my closet. But i'm not anywhere near a slob.

13. I'm a believer in money can get you hapiness. I know thats totally not right to say but heres how I see it. If a person gets a job that isen't there first job but gives them a lot of money then after work their free to do whatever they want, whatever it is they need to be happy. so for me that would be traveling. But if what I want to be is a paint salesgirl or something I won't be able to do everything I love because everything costs money. make sense? probably not. my mind is on its own brainwave.

14. One of my secret desires for when I grow up has always been to be a housewife. I know, I know I'm a woman I can do anything but I kind of really just want to be that wife who stays at home and cooks and cleans and picks out furniture. Is that weird? I mean i'm definatley gonna have a college degree in hopefully pharmacy so I can take care of myself but i've always admired the housewife lifestyle.

15. I feel alone a lot of the time because I don't really have anyone thats there "whenever I need them". I do have good friends but most of my good friends have busy lifestyles so they really don't have time to listen about my bad day, or some rude comment. It kind of sucks. I guess thats the good part of having a sibling close in age to you. Their always there for you when you need to just let something out. My brothers a sweetheart and he'll listen to me sometimes but its just not the same as having a friend who lives next door to you or somethng that you can walk over to in the middle of the night and spill your heart too.

16. The newest part of me that is not as well hidden is that I am obsessed with Michael Jackson. The music, and the man himmself. It happened after his death but I am just so facinated with his life. I know so much I could write a book of my own. I guess it has to do with some of my celebrity obsessivness.

Well I could talk about hidden things all day long, but I think thats enough worldly exposure for one day.

"Livin' in the world of love is new to me/sunshines year round no economy/just love in this special world"

Another song I wrote a long time ago I made a piano part for as well. It was fun to make and a diffrent kind of vibe. Here are the lyrics

Livin' in the world of love

There is no word to describe
This feeling I have inside
oh oh oh

Please boy try to understand
I'd run to mars and back
Just to prove to you I care

Chorus

Livin' in the world of love
is new to me
Sun shines year round
no economy
Just love...
In this special world

The only feelin' people have
is hapiness
heartshapped raindrops
and lots of smiley face
in this world of love
Theres only one step
it take to get there
listen real close
Cause i'm only gonna
say it once

The way to get there is to open your heart....

(Chorus)

I was kind of going for the laid back hippish cheesy sound. I know I succeeded! It might be too cheesy for some of your taste but ya know.

"You don't know how it hurts/U don't know how I cried/Don't know I spent my time wishin'..."

Ok so the story behind these song lyrics are kind of funny. One morning I got a pen and paper and I wrote my first song in awhile. It was because my heart was hurting for awhile and I just coulden't sit down and write a love song because I myself was in pain, more pain then I was letting on. Anyways so finally I decided that I would just try it. It turned out pretty good! So I tried to shoot a video but I wasen't memorized so I snuck some headphones and sang along to myself. It was weird but the videos are kind of embarassing. I look good in them since I took like 2 hours getting ready but I kept giggling and stuff. Anyways heres the song....

You don't know

For years I watched you from afar
I like your walk, your talk, you were my every desire
Tried this and that
tryin to get your attention but to you I was nothing
just someone you passed on the road to succsess
squeezed my heart on that path

chorus

You don't know how it hurts
you don't know how I cried
Don't know I spent my time wishin
Hopin prayin that you'd see
a light in me

You decided to work
Didn't see any worth
In those hints I kept on giving
In the life that I was leading
You made me stop believing I will never forget

The first time you started giving me your eyes
Said I was special, sent me all those texts
You made me feel real good
like a brand new butterfly
spreading my wings towards my dream

I should have known it was all just
one big joke
made me smile for awhile
forget the word impossible
but when word got around
I was the punchline to your joke
the pain began

(Chorus)

Theres one more line of versus but i think you get the picture of the song. I'm pretty proud of it.

"I got the magic in me/everytime I touch that track it turns into gold/Everyone knows i've got the magic in me"

Today I want to talk about talent. I was really really inspired after watching the BET awards last night. A lot of the people there were people who grew up in not so great neighborhoods with nothing but the clothes on their back and look where they ware now. You know what got them there? Talent, determination, a lot of practice, and faith. Now for some reason when I think talent I think back to about third grade. Third grade is when I moved into my first house (I had lived in town homes but this was the first house that my parentals would actually own). I was pretty excited because a ton of kids from school lived on the street in front of me. Anyways we used to have these competitions for singing and dancing. Then we'd all be the judges so its fair, but we would always end up in tears or voting for ourselves.

I guess in a way that taught me that first you have to really like what your doing. I think if a person writes a song, they know its good because they personally can not stop singing or listening to it. You in away have to be your own first true fan. But a lot of the time I think talent is a gift from god. Theres really no explination that I can come up with for why some people can sing with these big beautiful voices like alicia keys or justin bieber and others just can't. Whenever theres no explination you know its unexplainable. If I'm being a hundred percent honest I don't know a single person who has talent like anyone on the Bet Awards. No one. But i'm thinking maybe if people put all their heart and soul in trying its possible they could make it that big.

I really don't even know where I was getting at with this blog. I guess I just want to say that everyone should try to be the best at whatever craft their dealing with. If the only thing you do is life is wash dishes then make sure those dishes are really clean. If your the garbage taker outer in the house then make sure you do it with determination. Because i've noticed something about all people with a great talent. They are so happy. Because they have the feeling of accomplishment. Its fantastic. We all know it but imagine acomplishing something as big as winning an award on live television that airs all over the world. It must feel good. I want to feel that way someday.

song of the day: Magic - B.o.b. ft. rivers

quote of the day:“Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There's plenty of movement, but you never know if it's going to be forward, backwards, or sideways.” - H. Jackson Brown jr.

"I'm starting with the Man in the mirror/I'm asking him to change his ways/& no message could have been any clearer..."

Hey everyone!
Do I even need to say about the song of the day? Its man in the mirror. Now that song is going to come to play in some big disscusions about the 2010 BET AWARDS! They were last night and the Bet awards are seriously my favorite of the year. Their so fun the music is so good. I'm gonna get right too it cause I think this will be a long one.

Ok so when the award show started with freakin' Kanye West I was like man this will a sucky one compared to last years tribute award show to MJ. I basically tuned him out and his over dramatic ways. After him it started getting good. Alicia keys won two well deserved awards. She looked stunning, definatly the best dressed of the night. She was with her fiance and possible step son? Anyways she also had two amazing performances. My favorite was the medly of her songs but she blew me away with her Prince tribute performance. Alicia keys is the most talented women in show buisness. And don't be all like...no its beyonce! Anyone can shake their but for 30 minutes strait, beyonce is no alicia. She didn't even show up to the show!

Drake, and trey songs won awards. Speaking of Drake and Trey Songz OH MY GOSH! The bet guys looked so freaking hott! They were all drop dead gourgeous. Listing names so you can google them. Drake, Trey songs, T.I. , and usher. I would marry any of them in a heartbeat. Forget the age diffrence! But the guy who made my night was Chris Brown!

What did I Tell you all like 100 blogs back? Remember I told you I forgave chris because he had SO much talent. Well he showed that to the world last night. Oh.MY.Gawd. He did a Michael Jackson tribute and it was hands down the best yet. He wasen't scared to Tackle michaels big songs and Michael would have been proud. He was intrudced by Jermaine and he started with The way you make me feel. He sang that one himself and did the moves. Then he went to Remeber the times and he just did the dance for that. Then all the lights in the stadium went out and the dancers were in these suits that had lights outlining them so there were these little outlines of gold doing the smooth criminal dance.

AWESOME right? Then Chris came back and danced to Billy Jean, he really did it justice. Then Man in the mirror came on. Chris Brown started crying. And his tears broke the hearts of women all over america!!! He coulden't even sing. He tried but he coulden't he was crying and crying until the end. He eventually won the fandamoniam award and when he came on stage he said something like, " I really wasen't expecting this. thank you to the fans and I have a message for you guys. I let you down once; but i'll never do it again. thank you". How can you not love Chris Brown again after that? If you didn't see it you HAVE to youtube it. It was the best performance ever and every celebrity was tweeting about it. Even Kim Kardashian was watching the BET awards. :) They come on again Tues. from 6-9.

Some other great performances were Trey Songz singing yo side of the bed. Usher coming down off of that cloud singing there goes my baby. Diddy Dirty Money and that awesome stroblight thing was good stuff. I really enjoyed the duet with B.o.b. who T.I. set up just before the show. He sang airplanes with Keisha coles and it intertwined with Eminems song not afraid. I coulden't help but start dancing during that one. Then the finalie was ok. It was a big rap performance as it is every year this time it was Ludacris song My chick bad with Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross and some other dudes. The whole posse. It was a good rap performance...but they didn't top Lil wayne from last year. T.I.'s part must have tied. He also did his own song and it was good. Anyways you all really need to see the show. It was so so so so great.

Songs of the day: Yo side of the bed- Trey Songz, Crawl- Chris Brown, and MAN IN THE MIRROR

quote of the day: I let you down once but I will never do it again - Chris Brown

p.s. John legend won the humanitarian award and it was well deserved. Hes doing a lot of work in Tanzania and here in america as well. His speech was great, hes a very educated man.

p.p.s. my question all of y'all was did you see what prince was wearing, and was he married to the woman sitting next to him? Prince won the lifetime achievment award. I'm not really a fan. But the tribute to him was good and his speech was good.

I love the BET awards because they all always thank god first and then all the gospel singers always come out and take us to church. haha, this time it wasen't a church song it was a song of prayer for Haiti.

p.p.p.s this is the last one but I thought I should mention El Debarge. The old people were going crazy over him. as diddy put it hes bringing back light skinned and curly hair (haha). Hes the dude that sang "Rythem of the night".

sneek peak

I could not go to bed without putting something out there for the world. Theres this man called CHRIS BROWN and he stold my heart tonight. He had the best MJ tribute i've seen so far, he moved me to tears, his smile brightened my life, and man Chris brown has had a come back. Michael would have loved it. Mike is still the man but chris brown would have DEFINATLY gotten a hand shake and an I love you more from the man. ahhh that was phenomenal. More on the BET awards tommorow

People killin'/people dyin'/children hurt and you hear them crying/can you practice what u preach/& would u turn the other cheek/...where is the love"

Dear readers,
Life is hard. I know that you all know that but sometimes it helps to know that life is hard for everyone. Not just you. Everyone is tortured by the difficulties in their own lives and to be honest it dosen't help to know that someone has it worse than you. But what I feel, weather it be wrong or right, is that we are the only ones who can make life easier for ourselves. We can do this by doing simple things like getting of rid of the relationships in our lives that give us the most stress and the most pain. Another thing we can do that I think is super important is making sure there is a time everyday where you can do the things you love. Don't let anyone get in the way of that time. I don't care if your jail and the evil gaurd dosen't understand the importance of Khloe and Kourtney take Miami; if thats what you love you need to find the way.

Another thing I think makes life hard is the fact that there are people out there who take advantage of other people. They make them do all their dirty work and use you. Sometimes its the people that love you the most that are the hardest on you. They don't realize how much their using you because the truth is you let them! People all over need to stand up for themselves. Weather it be to their husbands, their bosses, or even their fathers. Because it is not fair for some people to do all the work and others live the good life. It should never be like that in a home, a workplace, or any kind of community that people have. I'll give you an example of someone getting used. I know a lady, who is very nice. She has two children. Both children she has living with her mother until she finishes some of the stuff she wants to do to "set up" her life. About a year ago she got pregnant AGAIN with a third child. Theres nothing wrong with bring babies into the world but guess what shes going to do with that baby? send him to mommy. The mother is getting used in this situation. I think if your going to give birth you better take care of you child and not put anyone else in charge of your responsibilities.

The last thing that I think may make life easier is listing all the good things that you have going in life. I mean, everyone has SOMETHING good going for them. It think people don't put enough emphasis in the good as they put in the bad. So maybe a little optimism can lighten the load of all the people hurting out there. Thats millions of people. I thank god that I have a good life. Part of that is from focasing on the good. Yes there are a couple downers in my life as in everyones but what are we gonna do? thats life. Someday I believe everyone will get at least one of the many good things they were looking forward too.

song of the day: A dream is a wish you heart makes - Cinderella

quote of the day: Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. - Bhudda

I thought since I was talking a lil about modern life, I would use the song I relaly love. Its Where is the Love by the black eyes peas. The lyrics are great and its just a good song about the world today.