This Ain't a Rap Song; This Is MY Life

I live in a beautiful neighborhood. Especially during the fall. Our extremely green grass is covered in leaves that are all the beautiful colors the season brings. Shades of orange, brown, and yellow. From the outside looking in, it couldn't be more of a scene from a movie or something. Nice quiet neighborhood where seldom is heard a discouraging word, and the skies are all cloudy all day. But inside my home is an infestation of these terrible red bugs with a bazillion legs and unbelievable speed. You would never know this from the outside looking in. This description matches how I feel about myself. There's so much you would ever know  at first glance.

This post is coming to you right after I took my extensions out and was left with the two strands on my head. How does this happen to ones hair? One chemically straightens it to be pretty, then realizes that's not pretty enough and keeps extensions in for too long causing all of it to fall out or break off. Not that there was much of it in the first place, because one was born black. This ain't a rap song: this is my life. I also took a glance at facebook and saw that the awkward girl from high school. The one that was super smart and everyone thought would end up along is in a relationship. I'm still here alone. The notebook is playing to heal my broken heart, and I realize that this is a love story for people just like Allie and Noah. Not people like me.

Don't get me wrong, I try. I have a weave, pretty nails, and shop at all the right stores that I can afford. I wear make up and never leave the house in my sweat pants. I have an impeccable GPA and work my butt off in school.  On paper, I should be someone's perfect person. I recently did get someone interested. He of course wasn't in school and was likely participating in illegal activity of some sort. You're probably thinking, why? Why is it this way? It's a question I've asked myself multiple times. The answer is simple.

I was born with the blessing and the curse of being a black woman. I call it a blessing in the sense of a popular christian song that says "Halleluiah, we are free to struggle". I feel like as a woman of color, I am especially free to struggle. As in God enjoys my struggle and laughs at my pain. I know this sounds awful. I know God loves all his children. His ways are not our ways, so you can see why it's difficult for me to understand why some people get it so easy and some of us struggle struggle struggle. I live in a society where having hair that blows in the wind and lays straight down or whatever is beautiful. My hair does not do that and never will. So let the struggle begin. As a black woman, I'm dumped on for not being academic enough and am mocked for being educated and speaking well. The majority that accepts me for sounding like them and dressing like them are the same people who can never like me. In a romantic sense. Boys in the majority are not interested in girls in the minority. Not at all. It doesn't help when you have other flaws on top of being born "wrong".

Women of other races love black boys. By love, I mean they idolize them. They get all of this attention that goes to their heads and makes them feel above black women. If their to pick one of us, we have to be perfect in the traditional dream black women sense. We should be thin with curves (how is that possible? God only knows), have fake hair, nice nails, and everything did. They ask the other girls to dance without expecting much, but it it's you it needs to be an entire strip show or something. They want you to bend over, twerk, and do all this stuff to make up for the fact that you're black. Is it a choice to go along with it? yes. Was it a choice to be stuck in these situations? No. But this is what it's really like. My friends always tell me to "get out there more" or go to "frat parties". To meet boys the way they do. They don't realize that what's stopping me is something I can never overcome. Myself. The way I am just isn't good enough for the society I live in. It never will be.

This is a heavy realization, but honestly it doesn't make me sad. In the back of my mind i've always known that this is the way things are. That life is always going to be a little bit harder for me in the social and romantic sense. At the end of the day, I realize I could be sick, living in a third world country, or in some other terrible situation much worse than the one I'm in. I praise God every day for that. But some nights like tonight, I just can't get over my shortcomings and struggle that comes with being who I am.

I see straight through them like fish tanks with no fish in them; Drizzy still got some '06 in him

I have an issue of coming off the right way. What people think of me shouldn't matter, but it does. Perception is reality. It won't matter how great of a person you are inside if no one knows. God sees what's inside and he knows, but the people on earth have no idea. I know that it's possible to care for a total stranger. I don't mean in a romantic way, just a human to human way. There are people I've never met but prayed for. Stories of people who've been through tragic things on television, and people in my own life that could use a miracle. They never have any idea and that's a bit magical to me. I believe that they're benefiting from the prayers and positive thoughts, and I don't really need significance for it. Nowadays it seems like people only remember your random mistakes anyways. Every once in a while (okay..a lot more than that) I make a mistake. It's nothing big it just sticks with me. Some guy came up to me and started dancing insane at this party. I just froze like a deer in the headlights. That was embarrassing enough, but then instead of telling him to stop I started dancing too. I decided to just go with it. My cousin was the one with the logical sense to put a stop to it making sure no one sees. I would have embarrassed myself. That wasn't the kind of thing I wanted to be known for doing, but I couldn't find a way to stop it. I worry a lot about peoples feelings and not making anyone feel bad.

I think its because I can be pretty sensitive at times I automatically assume other people are as well. At basketball games I don't feel right just cheering for the star even if none of them see me at all. I think everyone deserves to feel loved and special and would hate to be the reason why someone's light doesn't shine as bright. I know it's cheesy, but it's the way I am. Sometimes it prevents me from telling people the absolute truth. I constantly have to put a positive spin on it. Somewhere along the line I ended up surrounding myself with people just as sensitive as I am. The benefit of this is that they understand what I'm going through. The negative is that I end up walking on eggshells around them as well. In general, no one likes being told their wrong. The truth hurts everyone's feelings at some point or another even my own, but you should have to hear it at some point or another.

We live in a time where no one ever talks. One of my lab classes is on the sixth floor, so I take the elevator up most days. It's often full of people and always silent. Everyone has their headphones in or is doing something or another on their phone. Yesterday, there were two old men riding the elevator. Not the creepy kind of old guy, but the spunky and hip type. This might sound weird, but I enjoy talking to old people. It's so much more fun when you're not attracted to them and their not attracted to you. They're secure so you don't have to walk on egg shells around them. By the time people are further in their years, they've realized that peoples opinions of you don't matter as much as you think. I feel like most silent elevator types either feel too good to talk to the others or like saying hello is a waste of time. If you're human and I'm human, and we're trapped in a small piece of technology that encourages our common laziness we should be able to at least greet each other. That kind of interaction just doesn't exist anymore. You're probably wondering, what does the old guy have to do with this? While in the elevator he said, I'm the only one in here not using one of those gadgets. Do you know you all spend six hours a day on those things? No one said anything, so I said, "well i'd believe it". He also started describing all the muscles in the neck that have side effects from looking down at our phones so long. It was really interesting information. By one stranger in an elevator being brave enough to say something, I gained a plethora of information.

Moral of the story is "Be who you are, say what you think, and most importantly never apologize for how you feel. That's like saying sorry for being real" . That was a combination of me, Dr. Suess, and a tweet. Soak in the genius.

song of the day : From Time - Drake ft. Jhene Aiko (Nothing was the Same is absolutely brilliant, and this song has the prize as my favorite song on the album)

quote of the day : Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to all mankind. - Theodore Roosevelt 

Praying But I Think I'm Still An Angel Away

Today I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. This whole "finding yourself" thing is not as easy as it sounds. Here I am, a sophomore in college still uncomfortable in my own skin. Would I call myself insecure? No. I don't have a problem with how I look. That's never been it. I'm more insecure about my personality. For some reason, ever since I started elementary school I've felt like I have to sort of be a different version of myself. At home I'm kind of loud and crazy, but in public I'm just reserved. It might be faking, but I'm so used to it I don't even have to think about it anymore. I just automatically become more reserved. Taking African studies classes and such have allowed me to be more open about the African side of myself. I have a huge appreciation for where my ancestors are from now then I did before. But it's still difficult.

I just don't completely fit in anywhere. I joined a new choir in attempts to get more involved in campus ministry and meet friends. When I get to the practice, we're discussing a vision and the whole conversation is about "outsiders" and "insiders" also known as those who know God and those who don't. To me there are no outsiders and insiders. We are all people loved by God weather we know it or not. Just because I'm in church every Sunday doesn't mean there's someone out there who has never seen a church in their life with purer intentions and a loving spirit for all. We also talk about "secular" things. Secular means non-christian. Maybe I haven't become the best christian I can be, but I still listen to songs by non-christian artists and music that isn't necessarily just made for the purpose of praising God. Being honest and revealing these things led to them looking at me like an "unsaved person". They basically gave me the look that says it all. You're not one of us.

Alright, so I don't fit in with the church people. That's ok. Lately, I've been involving myself in more African American activities. I'm a black woman and proud of that fact. It comes with challenges, but I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I grew up in a suburban neighborhood where a majority of the people were Caucasian. I was not raised to discriminate and some of the best, truest friends I have were Caucasian, Hispanic, Arabic, and different from myself. Not everyone had those kind of diverse friendships. This makes them more hesitant in college. One thing I've noticed is there aren't many interracial couples on ku campus, and out of the few there are it's never a Caucasian male with a black girl. Basically what I'm saying is I've given up on that as a possibility. They see the whole thing as "jungle fever", and I don't want to be referred to as jungle anything. I'm a human being and if you would refer to the love that you and I have as something "wild" and out there, then I don't see it happening or lasting. So I'm stuck in this dilemma of trying to hit it off with the black people I've been grouped with (and love. Don't get me wrong) when I've grown up with white people. The whole thing is quite different.

I've gone to a lot of different events. Parties and student unions, but I just don't seem to hit it off with them. I don't listen to the right artists or know any of the slang that's used. I just come off as dorky without even saying anything. The group at this university are loud and outgoing. I don't feel like there's a place for a shy, quiet person like me. No one really approaches me in these situations. They go after the people that are loud and not scared to make their opinions known. The people who have the same interests as they do. Can't even blame anyone. That's just how it is. It puts me in a weird position, because I don't fit in with either crowd. Or really anyone. I'm just by myself on a deserted island trying to stay afloat.

I have a little crush on this boy, but honestly I'm kind of scared to meet him. When we meet he won't like me, then it'll be over. I know that's a stupid way to think and you never know if you don't try. That's just the way it is. So here I am back at square one. Forever alone, cold, and confused. Waiting for things to look up. Where do I go from here? If I knew I would be doing it, instead of sorting out my thoughts with you all once again.

song of the day: Fly by Nicki Minaj

quote of the day: I am not a word. I am not a line. I am not a girl that could ever be defined.

"I lost my faith in my darkest days, but he makes me want to believe"

When I started this blog three years ago, I was in the tenth grade. My favorite color was pink. I dreamed of meeting Trey Songz, and I was hopelessly in love with a boy who didn't even live in my city. I'm not in tenth grade anymore, but back to the sophomore status. Being a sophomore means you're supposed to start figuring it out. Nothing is new anymore. You've had experience, so you have tools to help you find your way. It's a unique place to be. My favorite color is still pink. I no longer wear nothing, but that color though. Thank goodness. I've found my way to new style choices as well. I met Trey Songz, so check. I still love his music, so I guess some things never change. I don't love that boy anymore. But new crushes have found their way into my heart.

Some things have changed and other have stayed the same. Today at this very moment with I Won't Give Up playing in the background I feel like that hopeless romantic dreamer all over again. I think that will always be part of who I am. There's nothing I enjoy more then a love story. Weather it be Titanic, or grandma and grandpa who grew old together. We live in a world where mostly bad things happen. You can have the news on all day and not hear a single encouraging word. The other day I saw a story about this ten year old boy who took a gun and shot his abusive father. He was on television pleading with his mother for forgiveness. He's facing seven years in jail, because there was evidence it wasn't just spur of the moment. So there's the side of me who thinks, lock him up before he kills other people. You've got to be a stone to kill your own flesh and blood. But then there's the side that thinks he's just a baby. He probably hadn't even truly realized how heavy death is for everyone involved. That same side hurts for his mother. She lost her husband and shouldn't have to lose her baby too. It's a lose lose situation. This is just one of the many examples of all the negative stories we're surrounded by all the time.

In a world filled with all kinds of darkness, I think love is the light. Loving another makes you put your selfishness aside and believe in something bigger then just you. Being with another person can cause you to be the best possible version of yourself. Like they say in Les Misereable "To love another person is to see the face of God". It's so powerful and one of the most pure things left on earth. I may not see it as often as I have in the past, but it's there. We live in the generation of twerking and sleeping around. Fun before anything else. But underneath it's still there. That desire to love and be loved. I don't think it'll ever go away. Not for me at least.

song of the day :  I Won't Give up by Jason Mraz

quote of the day: "To love another person is to see the face of God"  - Les Miserables

Random update : Going to the Parachute concert tonight, and I couldn't be more excited! yay.

"On a Wednesday, In a Cafe. I watched it begin again.."

Monday was the first day of school. I may be in college, but I still get excited about the first day. I went shopping about a week before and got a couple possibilities and felt pretty confident with my choice. I wore jean capris with a blue and brown top that had short sleeves with a little cutout in them. I felt cute, confident, and five pounds lighter then I actually am. woohoo! Once I got to school there was a moment of panic. The University of Kansas is a school with 24,577 people. Being 1 out of that amount, you feel a little small.
Especially after a long summer of being in an empty town where you could be on your own until the sidewalk ends. I walked into my first class of the day with 648 people in it. It was a little overwhelming. The good news is today is Wednesday, and I'm already back in the swing of things. It doesn't seem quite so intimidating anymore.

The classes I'm taking this semester are :

Organic Chemistry + the lab
Microbiology + the lab
Advanced Kiswahili  (class of 2. Me and another person of African decent)
West African History and Civilization

The labs were boring, but my lectures were actually not too bad. The two electives of course were the most exciting. The West African History professor is such a joy. He's an older man about to retire next year. He has a such a passion for West Africa. It's honestly not something I've ever seen before. He isn't from Africa, but he has an undeniable passion for the country. For those who don't know, I'm East African and both places are very different. I know nothing about West Africa except the people from there braid really tight and at some point liked big girls (i.e. the movie Phat Girls). A west African girl in my class raised her hand and asked him how he became so interested. He said "In my youth, I faught in Vietnam. My sister told me to run away to Canada, but I didn't have a penny to my name. I fought a war that I didn't believe that and lost faith in my country again. I went to Ghana and fell in love with it there. Never looked back". She said, "Wow. Normally no one cares.." it was said with the sweetest sadness. It's true. Most people don't care about Africa. They care about starving children in Somalia, the world cup, and animals, but n one realizes that there's so much more to the country then that. Even me at times. I have a geeked out excitement for this class. If it stays this interesting, there will definitely be more updates.

I'm contemplating joining a sorority. I know this seems weird, because I'm in the type of friend group that dumps on sororities all the time. A lot of people consider it buying friends or just silly. I personally do get tired of seeing all the pictures of people holding up their little triangle signs or whatever on my facebook timeline. The sorority I'm considering is much different from those. That's a traditionally black sorority. The girls in it seem fairly friendly. I don't really know if I can afford it or if I'd even like it once I joined. It's a for life type of commitment, so we'll see where it goes. I'm not much of a risk taker, so it probably won't go anywhere.

I also joined the Black Student Union. The first meeting was actually pretty nice. I didn't really stay to chat or meet anyone, but it seemed like a pretty great bunch of people. I enjoyed the meeting and don't plan on quitting.

Hope all of your first week were as interesting as mine, and those of you who are done with school and just working. I'm sorry. Work is hard, and I feel your pain. This email is coming to you from my un-air conditioned cubical at work. Yes, it's over 90 degrees outside.

Song of the day: Just Hold On We're Going Home - Drake

Quote of the day :
"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." - Martin Luther King Jr. (50 years since he delivered his I Have A Dream speech today. His contributions to society are immeasurable. God rest his soul.)

"Losing him was blue like I've never known, missing him was dark grey all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met. But loving him was red".

On Saturday, August 3rd I experienced amazement. Something absolutely wonderful. This wonder is known as The Red Tour and stars Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, and Florida Georgia Line. Every second of it was everything I wanted it to be and more. We initially had these terrible seats in the 200 section. As a frequent concert goer, I can no longer stand seats way up there. I know that makes me a total stuck up person, but it's just not the same. I like to see my performer with my own eyes, and to feel the beat of the drum not shake from the sound of the speakers. Being up close and personal is the best & only way to fully experience a concert.

As a frequent concert goer, I can also say with confidence that the Red Tour was above and beyond what most tours are. There were flying drummers, confetti, indoor fireworks, costumes (in the literal sense of the word), several different stage arrangements, and three different stages in general. Taylor Swift is one of the only performers of her stature who's willing to crowd surf and get up close and personal with her fans. She has fun! That's so rare. To see someone on stage having that fabulous of a time, and that in awe of her own fame. If it's acting, then I fell for it. She seemed genuinely excited to be there the entire time and just shocked by all the love she was getting. She sold out two back to back shows at the sprint center in minutes! Very few artists can do that.

So I've told you about all the magic. I left the arena absolutely wonderstruck. Can you believe that some people left without the slightest spark of excitement? It made me realize that a majority of Americans have lost their wonder. They are given so much that they can't truly appreciate when something is truly fantastic. There were many little girls at the concert. Seeing all those little ones made me think of my nieces. I've been communicating with them more frequently lately which makes them for lack of a better word more real. In Khaled Hosseni's new book And The Mountains Echoed, he has a character that goes back to his homeland somewhere in the middle east. He meets this very sick girl who needed his help. Originally her pain was always on his mind. He wanted to do everything he could to help her. But as he stayed in America, he slowly began to forget the intensity of her struggles and the ones that many others face in that area. After going back to Africa this summer, I see how that is.

At first you're just so into trying to do anything you can to help the people there. Then you fall back into this haze where spending $40 on a manicure seems reasonable even though most people don't even have $40 to spend the entire month in other countries. Anyways, as I was seeing those little girls singing along to Taylor Swift, holding up their signs that she's never going to see, and being surrounded my indoor fireworks and confetti. I thought of my little nieces and how they will probably never get to experience anything like that. Never. They'll never get to experience a clean public bathroom let alone an arena that holds thousands of people with fireworks and a stage, and any of that.

So when you're sitting in an arena experiencing the magic that is this life we live, you should do everything in your power to appreciate it. Simply breathing is a blessing, but getting to live a life of such privelage like many in this country get to do makes me grateful beyond measure. I feel like I'm the only one who realizes this. This is why I'm bubbling with excitement at every moment. Why I strive to feel alive. I'm Alive by Celine Dion is my jam. When I hear it, I dance. Why shouldn't I dance? With all the blessings in my life, I have no right to go through my day to day life without appreciation for anything and everything. Those red moments are everything.

Song of the day : Red by Taylor Swift

Quote of the day: "Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year"

"What's real is something that the eyes can't see, what the hands can't touch, what them broads can't be, and that's you"

All summer I've spent two hours every Monday night watching Desiree find love on The Bachelorette. I fell in love with the concept of this show last fall, so this was the first time I got to see it reversed. She dates 25 men in an eight week period. What I loved about this season was that it wasn't easy. On Sean's season of the bachelor, he had 25 women who were absolutely in love with him and acted perfectly. Even the goodbyes were just the right amount of tears. Just enough that the mascara didn't smear. But I've learned in the past couple months that life isn't like that. If you're really living, Mascara will smear and your heart will break. You'll cry, you'll hurt. It's the tears and the pain you go through that prepare you for the joy to come. If it wasn't for the heartache and long nights, you don't realize just how wonderful your day to day life is. Desiree spent seven of the eight weeks in love with this guy Brooks. There's nothing wrong with Brooks aside from his old man hipster status. He just wasn't my type. We all watched desiree fall deeper and deeper in love with Brooks, and Brooks have little to no feelings for her. She couldn't see it!

I've been delusioned by blind optimism before, so I was especially interested if she would be able to let go of her fantasy in order to appreciate the wonderful man that was right in front of her. Chris was the best choice. The best choice is never the perfect one. We live in a world that strives for nothing less then perfection. The plus side to this is that we're hard workers and do everything we can to be the best we can be. The downside of this is that no one can achieve perfection. Everyone has some kind of flaw weather it be big or small. So you make the most of what you having with what you can be and the courage within. 

Our society encourages us to be the best version of ourselves. Lately I've been seeing that as encouraging each other to put concealer on the zits that are our imperfections. We're encouraged to lie to ourselves and the public about certain flaws, but pretending their not there does noting to make them disappear. Being yourself should never be a struggle or something you have to work towards. The best version of yourself is you just the way you are. If people don't happen to see the good in the person you are, then they're the ones with the flaws not you. 

Back to Chris. Chris is tall, athletic, and handsome. He's also pretty corky. A simple dresser. Sweet personality. Close with his family. He writes cheesy poems to express his feelings, and he gets excited about everything. In the words of J. Cole, he's the crooked smile guy. Originally, Desiree wasn't able to see the beauty in the crooked smile. But when she finally did she realized it was much greater then the ten years of braces smile. The imperfections built character and allowed it to be easier to see what was within. That's what's most important anyways right? Congratulations to the happy couple and I wish nothing but the best or them. 

I hope that I can someday find someone with all the right imperfections, and I'm smart enough to look past the little things into the person as they are. Not the best version of them, but what is. t

song of the day: Crooked Smile by J. Cole

quote of the day: 

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” - Marilyn Monroe