"I'll be 87: you'll be 89 i'll still look at you like the stars that shine in the sky oh my my my"

I love a cute old couple more then anything. The other day I was driving to pick up my friend before a different friends birthday. There was a motorcycle driving beside me, and I thought to myself "kind of risky to be driving at night isn't is". All the stories of my mom's thighs getting burned from short skirts on my dads motorcycle and her toes getting ran over or such. She has me quite convinced it isn't the most glamorous lifestyle, but lets be real. It's fun. My uncle let me take his for a spin while I was in Africa. By spin I mean I rode up and down the rode in front of my grandma's house. He rode behind me and basically steered it all, but it was crazy fun. It's an undescribable rush. You all should try it sometime in some sensible clothing. This wasn't the point of the story. The point of the story is when I took a look at the couple on the motorcycle, it was an old man and an old woman. They were the risk taking night time motorcycle drivers. They looked so in love enjoying every minute of it. I thought it was the coolest thing.

Then today, I'm reading my people magazine issue instead of studying as always and I see this picture of a couple that reached their 70 year anniversary. Wow. First, lets be amazed at the fact that they even lived that long. I hate to be a downer, but not many people get over 70 years period let alone 70 years shared with someone else and 90 some years of life. What a blessing. We can only hope and pray for the same kind of love for us and our loved ones. Then the funny thing is, they posed for a picture at a carnival as a bride and groom when they were only four years old. That was the moment he knew she was the one he wanted to marry. She didn't see it in him at first, but eventually she saw him differently and agreed. They never looked back and now they've spent 70 years of their life together. Joy, sorrow, heartbreak, excitement, children, and gradnchildren. Everything good and real about life. They've done it together. It is such a beautiful thing. Who doesn't want this?

The song Mary's Song (oh my my my) was one hundred percent written about this kind of love. If you haven't heard it, this is your chance. It's gold.

And I'm Still in Love, Cause When It's That Real It Just Doesn't Fade

"You love me and I love you, and your heart hurts, mine does too. And it's just words , but they cut deep. But it's our world, it's just us too"

Drake resonates with me in a way many other artists don't. I don't know what it is. I'm not a rich, swagged out, black man with strippers and hoes alike. I'm a small town Kansas girl with big dreams and a crushed spirit. But somehow something about the words he says brings us together. I really relate to his music. It's not a match you would have seen coming. Me and Taylor Swift is something that was just meant to happen. This was different. I spent the last week listening to his song "Look What You've Done" on repeat. I just can't get enough. Eventually I move on to the other songs on the Take Care album, but I need at least three times with that one.

I don't know why, but I just feel hurt. Maybe it's because it's fathers day, and my dad is at work. But this obviously isn't the first time, and I know that's not it. The fact that he works so far away is a big part of the respect that I have for him. He sacrifices his life to make sure this family works financially. He would do anything for me, and I love him for that. I think the tears are tears of loss and tears of fear.

Fear of dreaming too big and being let down. Never achieving it. Fear of getting stuck in a fairytale world and wasting my time. Fear of getting used like i've seen so many other young girls my age. It's so easy to get sucked into the darkness of this world, and I guess some of my walls stem from fear of that. Fear that it's not him, but me and everyone else can see whatever is lacking in me. Sometimes it's fear that what I feel is love that they'll never feel. Sometimes its fears that it's not just a phase and the world really is as superficial as it seems. That maybe only some people win and others just deal. Fear that I am that 40% strong , independent black woman that will end up alone.

Sometimes it's the fact that everyone around me seems to be so happy and know exactly what they're doing. Today I just feel lost. And Drake, he's lost too. So i'll sing to his heartache even 456789 times. I'll sing until I find myself or whatever unknown answer it is i'm looking for. When I don't have the words to say, he does. So here's to drake. To fear. To heartache, and tears. The moments that help us appreciate the good times when they come.

Sometimes blessings come in raindrops, and healing comes through tears. This may just be one of those times.

Song of the day: Look What You've Done by Drake

quote of the day : "For my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold. I shall not be shaken" - Psalm 62:5,6

"Send me away with the words of a love song"

Life is not fair. It's not written anywhere. Nothing's promised. It can change in an instance for the better. You could win the lottery, meet the love of your life, and complete your pursuit of happiness. Things can go wrong just as quickly. They can crash, burn, and end. Today, I lost my cousin, my sister, my friend. She lived in Africa, but she was always special to me because she's my parents God child. She's my sister in christ. She was only 28 years old. Like any typical African death, it could have been prevented anywhere else. I don't doubt God's plans, and I don't question what happened. It's just that third world countries don't have any of the prevention that we have. They don't get check ups. They don't have doctors emergencies, and the medications are low quality. These are the reasons why I will never understand condemning the American health care system. Sure it costs a ton of money, but you can count on it. You pay a lot of money for something good. Health is something you can't put a price on. It's everything.

Today my heart hurts for my cousin. She didn't get to experience everything life had to offer, but she lived. She loved. And she left an imprint on my heart. I will never forget the love and kindness she showed me. Honestly, I'm speechless. I don't have much to say. I barely believe she's gone. When you're far away, it hurts more. You don't get the closure that comes with the funeral and crying with loved ones. You have to go on the best you can. I went to school, and lab more or less in a trance. Just pushing through. The pain of losing a loved one will pass with time, but my memories of dear Elsie will never leave. It's not fair, but life was never fair and it never will be. It just is.

UPDATE: Not going to lie. Yesterday I cried and cried until I felt sick. Brave face at school, but the middle those songs on K-Love about going to heaven and being redeemed start playing in the car it's tears. I'm not a crier. People know it's serious when I cry. I don't like going to people when I'm hurt, because I never know what to do when other people are crying. I don't want to be that person for them. It's not that I don't feel like I can come to you all. I'm just a tough cookie. I deal on my own.

But yesterday about 11 at night, God brought peace in my heart and I accepted it. I understood that my sister is gone, but she's in a wonderful place. She's not crying. She's not hurting. Heaven is real. I also started thinking about the things I can learn from her life. My cousin was a beautiful girl. I wanted to call her the Kim K. kind of beauty, but that doesn't do it justice. She was the nails done, hair done, everything did type of girl.  And when she was dressed up her confidence was unstoppable. There was no boy she wouldn't approach, and she would dance like no one was watching anywhere and everywhere. She had no trouble telling those she loved she loved them even when they didn't feel the same way. She had a lot of love to give. She never got caught up in the drama that so many other girls in this generation do. Sure she had fun, but she never went overboard. So to honor her, I'm going to take carry a little bit of her in me. Though I'm a bit on the lazy side for the nails done, pin curl my hair every night type thing, I will walk out the door every day making sure I feel like a million bucks. I'll do my best to love others based on the example she showed me. And I'll appreciate every precious second I'm given here on earth. You never know when it's over, so you might as well make the most of it.

"When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me.."

You know what they say. You live and you learn. For awhile I was just upset with the people in my life. I blamed the wrong people, and it finally clicked that I was being selfish about the whole thing. The world does not revolve around me, and people can't be all they have going on at the snap of a finger. I can't talk our every life decision or moment with someone, unless their my husband or something. Seeing as there's not ring and my finger and no one has vowed to listen to my every complaint and help me work through every issue yet; It was wrong for me to blame people. It's a busy world where everyone has busy lives and their own ish to deal with. That's just how it goes. I'm a big girl now (figuratively & literally, but that's a problem for a different day). I need to learn to make more of my own decisions and not consult someone on every little thing. I need to appreciate the advice I've recieved from people, soak it in, and live life. On my own. By myself. Just typing that line made me realize it's a lie. Not by myself. God is always with me and as the Chris Tomlin song goes "If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us". No human, no test, no police officer, nothing can stop me. That gives me the courage I have to live my life and face the trials and tribulations of every day.

Sometimes I just need to vent. That's what this blog was for for a period of my life. I still can, but I stopped being t-swift shady and naming names. It makes the whole thing a lot less fun, but this is not Gossip Girl and none of those people deserved it. Not then or now. It just took me awhile to realize it. I appreciate those that do listen to me vent, and I hope you all know if you need someone to cry with or to just listen I'm here. You can leave a comment or call day or night. You're not alone. I'm thinking about getting an actual journal or something I can write the actual day to day stuff in. Tales of what happened and such. But I'm always paranoid about someone reading it when I'm not around. For some reason I don't feel that way about the blog. That's just the way it is I guess.

It was really sad for me to hear about Paris Jackson's suicide attempt. I hate to be the stereyotyping type, but I kind of saw it coming when she chopped her hair off and died it black then wore nothing but black for months at a time. Everyone kept meantioning the fact that she has everything a girl could want. Pony's, electronics, a mansion, and a pool side view. They forget that she doesn't have a father. I still almost tear up when I see that video of her on stage at the memorial talking about "my daddy was the best daddy in the whole wide world". It just breaks my heart that she had to lose her rock so early in life. High school can be rough and it can't be easy with people having your face all over magazines criticizing every little thing about your life. I'm praying for her and all who are in her situation. I hope that people can realize life is worth living. There's so much to see and so much to do and so much to experience. There are people to fall in love with, degrees to be had, and a million and one awesome concerts to bring the magic to your life. She's young though. Growing up isn't just for new privileges. It's from learning from years past and making sure not to repeat mistakes. Finding out who you are and what you believe in. Growing mentally and emotionally, not just physically. Sometime I feel like I'm the the only one who thinks about that side.

More thoughts coming soon. I was silly enough to take Summer classes and that alarm is going to wring at 7:11 am tomorrow. I'm already not ready to get up. Hasta La Vista, babes. xoxo

Song of the day : Tim Mcgraw by Taylor Swift (I found her old music again. It lights up my life just like it did six years ago when I first heard it). Sorry the title isn't relevant at all to the post. I do that sometimes.

A thousand miles seems pretty far, but they've got plains and trains and cars: I'd walk to you if I had no other way...

Technology is a beautiful thing. It's what's allowing me to talk to all of you right now. In a weird way, that's what I think of all this. This is me talking to you. The random stranger, the people I know, the random creep here and there. I'm being one hundred percent myself...well slightly edited. I try not to sound to preacherish which leads to eliminating some of my more religious feelings, and the occasional weird conservative thought which I refuse to mention outloud, because I don't want to turn into a republican. That's just one of those, sorry not sorry things. If you're a republican, I respect you. Don't take it the wrong way. This isn't where I was going with this. I was going to say technology is good, because it connects those from all sides of the world together. I am currently using Facebook message to speak to my cousin half way around the world.
It could be practically a real conversation, but I'm not into skype. If I'm chilling in my yoga pants with my tracks showing,  no one needs to see that. Except for Drake. Him and I can have our "sweat pants, hair tied, chillin with no make up on" moment. Drake lines always pop in my head. No matter what I say or where I am.

It's really hard to connect with family that's in a different state let alone in a different country. I think it kind of jepordizes the relationships that you do have. You have absolutely nothing to talk about, because it's been ten years since you've seen each other. It's just plane awkward. I tend to get along a lot better with my younger aunts and uncles then I do my cousins. Especially the ones in Africa. We're just too different. That connection isn't there, and it probably will never be but my parents can't know. It would break their heart if they thought we wouldn't stick together for generations and generations. As far as my family in Africa goes, they just want my stuff. Point blank period. When I was baptized, they wanted my baptismal dress for them. Same with my confirmation. Flower girl dress. When I get married, they'll want that too and I'm just gonna have to put my foot down on that one. You just come off as the snobby or selfish one if you don't want to "share" , so I always just end up sending what they ask for.

So can long distance relationships work? I'm a believer. That commercial for eHarmony says that people who join a dating section are three times more likely to meet their future spouse. I find that statistic funny. Of course it's three times more likely. Everyone that signed up is after a long term relationship, and they just block everyone who doesn't have the same interests as you so it's impossible to clash. The plain white tees singer wrote the most beautiful long distance relationship song there is, and Delilah still dumped him. But here's why I think long distance works. You both have space and opportunities to meet other people. If the first cute person you meet makes you forget about the one you left behind, you would do that in the same city too and you're not that into them. It's good to figure that out right away. If you loved the first person, you would have never gone for the second and that's the truth dot com. Second, I think getting involved physically really complicates things. Long distance gives you a chance to truly get to know each other. The phone calls, texts, letters. You can really be creative about it. You have time to learn about each other and contemplate those things. If you're still thinking about them, even though their a million miles away I think that means something. It gives you a chance to realize that your life is brighter with them in it. The reason they fail a lot of the time is because that simply isn't true for that particular couple. They weren't the ones for each other and the distance helped them realize that sooner rather then later. Do I want a long distance relationship? I don't know. I won't know unless it happens But technology sure makes all of it that much easier. Their only a text, skype call, facebook message, or flight way.

Song of the day : Hey there Delilah by the Plain White Tees

Quote of the day : Distance makes the heart grow fonder

"I don't need no dude that's perfect, just need a dude that's worth it" - Dudes Love Jay Z

Who doesn't want Beyonce's life? She has it all. True love, a caring family, one of the most successful careers in the history of ever, the skinny but curvy look, a perfect weave, she's religious, and has Obama on speed dial. I need to work to be where she is. Every new years resolution I had was basically be can be simplified as be more like Beyonce. I hate to be the typical girl, but Beyonce is such a role model to me. That's the truth. 

Song of the moment : Girls Love Beyonce by Drake

Which reminds me of Dudes Love Jay Z. This girl on youtube is preaching. Her lyrics are the best : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BJ8GNgnElM

"Just gonna stand there and watch me cry? That's alright because I love the way you lie"

I write to you with a heavy heart, but don't be scared or worried. Everything is okay. I just have that heavy heart feeling. I've had it since last night. I haven't been sad in a long time. I'm surrounded every day of my life with the joy of the lord. I'm normally a naturally happy person and little things rarely get me down, because I know I'm blessed. I have my health, my family, my home, my city, my friends, and all the different communities I'm a part of. I'm surrounded by so much awesomenesss that it feels selfish to every be down. But it happens, and it happened. Being young adult is hard. Not in the same way being an adult is though. I don't have the stress of making a marriage work or raising a child at this point in my life. It's a different kind of social stress. I'm at the age where all anyone wants to do is have fun. Am I fun hater? No. My idea of fun is traveling to the beach area, going to concerts, having conversations about nothing and everything for hours, dancing in a club setting. Thats fun to me.

I don't feel the need to be under the influence of anything to have fun. I can tell you that there are few people with the same view point. I don't drink. I don't smoke. anything. I would say it's because it's illegal, but that's not the main reason I don't do it. There's the health side of me who knows that life is a precious gift. So many are fighting day and night to hang on to their lives, for one more day, one more second. For me to have the opportunity and choose to take in toxins by choice is unthinkable. The second reason is by nature, I'm a picky person. I don't like candy of any kind, or chocolate bars of any kind. I have drunk nothing but water, milk, and tea for the last four years. It's not even for dieting purposes or anything I just don't like the taste of a lot of other juices and such.  I don't mind anyone who choses to do that. It's your life and your choice. I have made mine, but it sure does make fitting in a lot harder.

I'm lucky to have friends that didn't want to abandon me for the choices I'm making. A lot of other people would. The problem is making other friends and meeting guys. The fact that I don't drink or smoke makes me boring. They all give you the bummer look when you turn down a drink or the smoke. Girls like me don't win at this age and I guess you can say I'm getting tired of losing. I know in the long run when people need liver and lung transplants and are paying for their glory days I'll appreciate the choices I'm making now. I always believed that if you try to be the best person you can be, good things will come to you. Today's just one of those days where I lost that belief. The road less traveled on is a hard one to take. Especially when you're alone.

Do I think about giving in to the ways of society? Sometimes. It's a different age. What you're like in person matters a lot less then how active your twitter and instagram are. I just don't have the time to take pictures of myself all day every day. The selfie thing is difficult, and I can really only take them from one main angle. Plus it just seems silly to me. You see the people after all the filters they put themselves through and anyone who's seen them in person knows they never look like that. Who are you fooling?

And then on top of everything else someone I trusted as always having my back turned on me. I could care less about the act, but the fact that it was a friend makes everything that much worse.

I would tell you the whole story, but as a wise person on facebook said "Maturity is wanting to post an emotional, angsty status on facebook and restraining yourself. I stuck to my old mechanisms of feeling better and wrote a song. It goes like this. "Nicolas Sparks lied/My dreams of Noah and Allie died when you picked her instead. Why am I not surprised?/ The wrong cinderella fit in the shoe/She got the prince and the palace too/and I'm still hear alone (then the little Ingrid Michaelson harmonies go alone..on my own in the background)". It makes a lot more sense in my head.

Song of the day : Nicholas Sparks Lied

Quote of the day : “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”