"You're so fine I want you mine you're so delicious. I think about you all the time it's so addicting"

My favorite blog game to play is one where I read the posts that you all read. I like to look back at my statistics and read whatever it is you all are reading. I know the Trey Songz experience post and Lil Wayne's baby mama issue post so well I normally skip over those haha. Apperently those posts are my best work. I don't read the posts because I'm extremly self centered and just sit and talk about how great I sound. I read the posts, because they show me how far i've come and how far I still have to go. Today I was playing cards with my brother, and my two little cousins. All three of them were my babies. I remember the days that all three of them were born like it was yesterday. They're all grown up now and entering different phases of their lives. The same phases I was going through before I started writing this blog. It's insane how fast time flies. My first year of college is complete (And I got an A in biology!! I can't even tell you how happy I was about that. Still waiting to hear back on calculus and chemistry). I finished one year and have five years to go. With hope after these five years I would have accomplished a great many things and be where I want to be. The realization that my babies were all grown up made me see myself in a way I hadn't really seen yet. I'm an adult. Their growing into teenagers, and I'm growing into an adult. This is the time where I should be enjoying youth and doing what I can to set up all that I want the next few years to be. As a person of faith, I have no fears of God leading me astray. I cherish the verse "All things come together for good for those who love the lord". It takes a little bit of pressure of me knowing that at the end of the day, it's all going to have a happy ending.

The post I read today was about the super bass feeling I got whenever I see this boy. My heart doesn't skip a beat anymore, but it sure does something. I just can't be myself around him, and I refuse to let my guard down for even one second. I turn into this extremly uptight person with absolutely no idea what they're saying or doing. Dazed and confused. There's a voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough for him. The smart side that listens to all my friends talk about how there are many fish in the sea and blah blah blah blah. It's there and this last year it flourished. I've met some nice boys, gotten a number or two, and really enjoyed the freshman lifestyle clubbing and going to frat parties and such. It's been fun. Was I thinking about him then? No. Am I thinking about him now? Yes. Why? Because life is speeding by and I would hate to see that "save the date wedding invitation" without ever having tried.

But then again, I have tried. I put myself out there, and I'm never humiliating myself again. Looking back at my attempts isn't as sad as it once was to me. At the time I was all dramatic, "I will never love again" about it. I get that the whole thing was childish. The subtweets I put out there for two years after were childish as well. The counter argument to this whole thing is that maybe I hold on to this fantasy from time to time because I know it couldn't happens and it stops me for having to put myself out there and actually trying with other people. Maybe it's my crutch. I know that I'm not ready to watch him marry someone else. I also know that I can't see myself marrying him. Ok, that's a lie. I can imagine it, but I don't think we've had a legitamate conversation in maybe four years. I doubt he's even shoke my hand in that time period either. We have zero contact, but that in itself is weird, because I have contact with pretty much everyone else. At least a little bit. Older younger. There are not many people in this community anyways. The lack of contact must be being done by the effort of one of us. That's irrelevent though. I could debate like this all night long. These are the conversations I have with myself in my mind. Here's the answer I always end up with:

Focus on school, and when that doesn't work I tell myself :

Let him come to you. He has that number. He knows where you live. He's perfectly capable. And if he wants to, he will. But after all this time, we know he won't. (If you're like me, Drake just popped in your head and you thought maybe she won't, but then maybe she will haha) Don't wait for him because time is moving and living in the here and the now is important. Let him find and marry a whore that resembles nanny mcphee and didn't get an A in biology. Amen.

If you're reading this, then I didn't mean that (^). Well I kind of did. I can explain...

Song of the day : Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne

Quote of the day: "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

How do you measure a year in the life?

I've never seen rent, but everyone knows the song. You know, seasons of love?

The song asks :

" In daylights, in sunsets, in midnight's
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life? "

I'm a week away from completing my first year of college. It feels like just started yesterday and couldn't pronounce the names of any of the buildings. My cousin walked me from the parking lot, because I had no idea where I was. I was amazed that the chairs in college are actually comfortable and freaked out a little every time I walked by the basketball players I spent all these years watching on television. Now I can pronounce building names, don't get as awestruck (most of the time), and feel used to the way things have worked out to be. I had no doubt that by the grace of God I would finish this school year well. I didn't expect the 4.0 my first semester (yay!!!), and if you asked me in the beginning of the year if I would understand both chemistry and biology I would have doubted you. All is well at this point, and after all this studying i'm doing I'm sure the finals will be go without a hitch. I'm healthy, didn't get knocked up or incarcerated like a good percentage of other people my age did. I worried a smidgen less then usual and enjoyed the perks of being 18+. I went through the year with all the values I hold dearly still imprinted in my heart and didn't do too many things I wasn't proud of. Even when it wasn't the cool thing to do, I stood by what I know is right. I linked myself up with a Christian group. I may not have been as active as i'd like to be, but I worked on my relationship with God (which was one of my new years resolutions). When I measure all these things, I would call it an incredibly successful year. I am definitely counting my blessings and appreciative of all that my freshman year was. When you hear stories about that girl that was kidnapped for over 10 years and countless sad stories, I realize just how lucky I am to be living the life I am. It wouldn't be me if I didn't find a way to complain though.

Here's the problem. I have just been feeling really down lately. It seems like everyone's dreams are coming true, and I just don't feel that way. The people who wanted to pursue something found a way to make that happen, the people who wanted a boyfriend found one, the people who wanted to get wasted and worry about nothing did, and then there's me. I honestly don't even know what I wanted. It's really hard to feel content when you had no idea what you wanted int he first place. I spent my year pursuing grades and money to keep me in school (and get my nails done). I had 7:30 am to 7 days pretty much Monday through Friday and didn't really have time to pursue anything other then studies, work, and Braxton Family Values (my reality television life never had to suffer). That didn't leave much time for meeting people, partying, or any of the other things that other people got to do.

I know you should never compare yourself to other people, but I can't help but be down. What did they do that I didn't? How did they achieve all of their dreams and some of mine, while I didn't? Is it because I'm shy? Did I work more then I should? Is all of that not in the cards for me? Am I not rich enough or smart enough? I can't help but wonder what I didn't do and weather or not anything could have been done differently. One of my favorite twitter accounts is @tomyfuturehusband. At first, I liked the account because of my love for weddings and all the dress pictures and such she posted on there. Then I fell in love with the messages she sent out, because she wanted the same things in a future husband that I did. Then it was the scripture she posted and inspiring quotes. Whoever runs the account is a virtual role model of sorts to me. She always tells people to pray for patience. I had never thought about the concept before her, but not that's just what I'm going to do. I will work on my patience and become a person worthy the dreams that live in the silence of my heart and the ones that I don't even know about yet. Not worthy by losing weight, and being more "free". But by continuing to be a person I'm proud of and doing all that I can to be a good human being. To be a good daughter, sister, and friend. With patience and the good karma points I will save up, hopefully the dreams known and unknown to me will come true as well. I can have that moment that everyone in my life seems to have had. Until then, I'm throwing a pity party. No one can come of course, because they're too busy celebrating the fact that they got everything they wanted. Maybe i'm just a little bitter. I'll work on it!

Song of the day : Seasons of Love

Quote of the day : "Our patience will achieve more than our force."
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_patience.html#ElQtlSF5a3I44mYo.99 

You can bandage the damage; You never really can fix a heart

I miss this. There was a time when I would get on here and right every thought that I have every day. It helped me understand. Lately, I've been lost and confused. Somewhere along my freshman year I lost my way. Not in the typical way. Drinking and smoking isn't and never will be my thing. And everyone doing all that other stuff, I suggest you watch temptation and make it straight. I've been having fun. I go out a lot and there's lots of dancing and such involved. The clubbing scene is fun and a little degrading. I somehow end up by myself a lot which isn't that great. In the last two weeks, I fell for someone. Not because I liked them, but because I thought they liked me. Yes, he was a decent person and pretty cute. But he was a ladies man. He made me feel special, but he made one of my closest friends feel the that way too. As happy as I was that we both had a wonderful time, I badly needed to feel special in that moment. The fact that we both did and it was weirdly by the same guy killed my shine and a little bit of my pride. I don't blame either of them, but I blame myself.

Then with the help of my mother embarassed myself in front of the most popular guy at the University of Kansas, make that state of Kansas. That's something I would rather not relive. Let's just hope he's too cool to remember little people like me.

People always made fun of Tierra from the Bachelor for talking about her sparkle. I kind of understood where she came from with that whole concept. Everyone is born with a "sparkle" or trait that makes them special. It's the light in you. People are always trying to tear that light down. I heard a quote on the radio about how no stranger is an enemy. The enemies in your life are the people right there in your mist that know you and have a reason to want to put out your shine. One of those closest to me has turned into the person brining me down. They don't know it, but them killing everything that I'm about played a role in me losing myself. I started worrying about the wrong things and the right things slipped away. Before you know it, I disappeared and last night I found my way again.

I'm calling a fresh start. I will no longer ask anyone for their opinion about what I'm doing. I'm going to do what I want to do and what makes me happy. If that means wearing an "ugly" shirt, or smiling too much then that's what I'm doing. If that means embarrassing myself in front of the star of the ku basketball team, so be it. If that means being called judgmental for doing what I know in my heart is right, then I'll take it. It's silly to be a grown women allowing herself to be let down by the mean things jealous people say. So this is my marking of a new start. All of you are free to call me out if I go back to my old ways. But as i'm writing this right now, my heart still hurts. Hence the title of this post.

Song of the day : Come and Get it by Selena Gomez (I love me a good Indian beat. The song has me wanting to do a little Jai Ho song around my living room. I'll always be team Justin though. She broke the poor boys heart).

Quote of the day: “The greatest minds are like film, they take the negatives and develop themselves in darkness...” 

"Do you know I dumped your husband, girlfriend? I'm not thinking bout him, but you married him"

College friendships are difficult. I know what you're thinking. It's only difficult if you make it that way, but it is. In this college period of time, some of my friendships have gotten way stronger and others have sort of deteriorated. I've always had a different kind of friendship with everyone I was friends with. I have friends that I cry with, the ones that have common interests and are fun to do things with, the ones who I never have to see - texting all the way, and the ones that just aren't easy.

Most everyone's busy with school and such, so you can't expect the communication to be daily. I've kept up communication with a lot of people despite the distance, but when you haven't heard from someone there's that disconnect there. I lived an entire 4 months that you don't know about. How could I possibly catch you up on everything? Does that mean we're not friends anymore? Am I lazy for not making the effort the whole time. Are they mad at you for not communicating? Who really knows.

Somewhere along the line, I apparently got the rep as the judgmental friend. Not exactly a title i'm embracing with open arms. Because I've chosen to live my life the way I have, people automatically feel self conscious about their choices if they don't match up with mine. I feel like it's more their guilt then my pointing it out. I'm not trying to be some perfect person by making the decisions I am. I'm just trying to make sure that I get what I'm here to do. A college degree. I hope that I make some fabulous memories along the way. Just not the kind some people are interested in making.

I personally prefer if people a real with me. If I ask for advice, I want the real answer. That's what I think friends are for. I can get anyone to lie to me about what my hair looks like or weather I stand a chance with the guy at the club. A friend will tell you when you're trying it or you need to get your life. Tamar Braxton style. When I need to take several seats, I like having people in my life that will tell me to do that. Keep me humble and give me that reality check. In case you didn't catch the Tamar reference :

Watch Braxton Family Values. It's hilarious and a darn good time. Anyways, so I like friends who tell it like it is, but some people don't. They feel like it's stepping outside of that very fine line. That's what I'm realizing. Some people just want the support through rain and shine. That's what I'm going to try and be more of the time. I still don't think I'm judgmental though. As far as choices people make, I've always viewed it as your decision. I can't jump in someones head to figure out how they feel, so who am I to tell you weather or not it was the right decision for you. I also believe there's nothing wrong with a mistake. As long as you learn from it. Now do those sound like the thoughts of a judgmental human being? Am I Regina George? Questions the world forces me to ask.

Song of the day: He Wasn't Man Enough by Toni Braxton (I don't know how this turned into a Braxton post, but that's just how it is in my head. The thoughts just don't connect)

Quote of the day :

"“I am not Captain Save-A-Ho; I can only save one at a time, and that’s me!”

"“I have a fabulous life:  I have a big ass house, three cars, I fly first class all around the world … some would say I have the perfect life, and those people are absolutely right.”

“You cannot powder away what botox can fix.  My name is Tamar, and I am for plastic surgery.”

- Tamar Braxton lines

R.I.P. Lil Wayne? TMZ v. Mack Maine. The whole story

On Friday evening, TMZ reported that Lil Wayne had been given his last rights. Before this post, I didn't know what last rights were. That happens to be final communion where the priest comes and prays for you.  After having Sizzrup (Purple Drink/Mixture of alcohol and anything else you can imagine) he had another seizure. For those who don't  know, Lil Wayne has had reoccurring seizures these last couple years. TMZ claimed that this time it was serious. The hospital was unable to stop the seizure, and he was tied to the bed. They said he was surrounded by crying loved ones, and his mother was on the way down to Atlanta in order to make the final call on what happens to him. The story was enough to break your heart. I couldn't even fully enjoy my beloved Jayhawks doing work on Iowa State, because my heart just broke for him. 30 years old fighting for his life. I thought of Reginae and his three little boys. I thought of the baby mothers that have lived off of him so long, what will they do now? I started realizing how big his contribution to music has been. He's been on so many tracks and created two of the biggest artists of this last year. Drake and Nicki Minaj would be nothing without Lil Wayne. He has built the young money brand. Although it isn't the most respected, they've stuck to their musical instincts and profited from it. Drake said it best in 5 am in Toronto  Everyone just sounds like Drake ft. Drake. Frank Ocean, The Weekend, Chris Browns new feel. Drake did it first. He sang and he rapped, and he didn't have to hit Mariah Carey notes because the message was what mattered. Without Lil Wayne, there would be no Drake. Nothing but respect for him and his accomplishments.

Well, you all know what comes next. Mack Maine came out on twitter and said :

"Wayne is alive and well! We watching the Syracuse game...thanks for the prayers and concern..he will update you all soon. #love"

"We will be releasing an official statement shortly but dont believe the nonsense about comas and tubes to breathe...that's false!!"

This was followed by some foul words about TMZ. It turns out Weezy was in the hospital, but it wasn't nearly as serious as the fabricated story TMZ made out. Despite these tweets that were retweeted by a lot of the young money family, TMZ continued to spread their insensitive lies. I have never been one to blame gossip sites, because they're just doing their job. If it's something they truly believe is true, I think it's alright. But if you know it's false, why would you put his extended family and friends through the stress of thinking something had happened to their loved one. Sure he's a public figure and he signed up for this. It still just seems unfair. As far as how bad his health is at this point, there's nothing better. But Birdman sent this tweet out to the fans :

"My son is feelin Good.will be home real soon.YMCMB"

Wayne himself tweeted shortly after that saying :

"I'm good everybody. Thx for the prayers and love."

Lets hope he's alright, and there are many more hits to come. Moral of the story, TMZ does not always know what they're talking about.

Song of the Day : How to Love by Wayne

Quotes of the Day from the Young Money Mogul himself :

"I'm a G, silent like Lasagna"
"I ain't got no worries, no Frank Ocean, I'm straight"
"When I'm done she hold me like a conversation"

In my best dress, fearless

Hi guys,
I've been thinking about blogging for quite some time. It's been a busy week, and I just feel broke down. A line from Whitney Houston's I Look To You comes to my mind, "My levees are broken/My walls have come tumbling down on me/The rain is falling/Defeat is calling/I need you to set me free.." My regular life is going well. but school is extremely stressful. I had two tough midterms and a million and one assignments do. I don't want to hear the word lab ever again. I desperately wish I could study something easy and just get a degree in English or whatever, but what will I do the rest of my life when I have no job? I know that not having money isn't working for me now. I hate it.

The other day I heard a conversation about boots. People were talking about how fake leather books look so cheap, and they would rather spend the extra money to get real leather boots. This was at the same time I was wearing fake leather boots. It didn't get to me, because I can't afford fake leather boots. That is way above and beyond my means. I'm realizing that some of these things just aren't a possibility. I desperately wanted to get my hair done. It would cost me $250 dollars to do what I need to do. Only other black people understand my pain. No one else has to spend that much for anything they do with their hair. I hear the screams of go natural, but that's not what I want to do. My natural hair is a pain in the ass, and unless you will come and come through it for hours upon hours every morning I'm not doing it. Sometimes it just feels like the standards are set so high. It sounds like I'm whining. These are all first world problems. At least I have water and electricity, a loving family and good friends. I'm just worn out. This is the real world. You get a paycheck and it all goes to pay bills. You're half asleep every where you go hoping that one day it will be worth it. You will get that dream job, car, or whatever ti is you've been hoping for.

Yesterday, someone was speaking about how they believe sorrow and joy go together. You've all heard the saying that you can't know joy if you haven't experienced sorrow. It's true. Being down in the dump makes you realize and appreciate the days filled with laughter and crazy memories even more. Its been three days since I wrote the first two paragraphs of this blog. A few hours after, I was way more light and upbeat. I'm officially on spring break. There's absolutely nothing better. I have a week away from classes. I will use it to catch up on work and make up this speech about myself I'm terrified to give. It has to be fifteen minutes long, and I have absolutely no idea what to say to fill up the time. In the meantime though, I get the chance to think about me. Who I am, where I want to go, and the dreams and failures that formed all of this. The joyful moments and sorrow filled ones that made me realize the important things I've been looking forward to in the first place.

Yesterday, I was having a conversation at a restaurant with a friend. A stranger overheard and gave me his two cents. He told me to take a risk and talk to my Tuesday/Thursday crush. For those of you who don't know, my Tuesday/Thursday crush is this guy I've seen for about thirty seconds a couple times a week. We've never spoken or anything, but I always feel that spark. I'd like to think of that stranger as my guardian angel. Right place, right time. Telling me to put on my best dress, and be fearless. T- Swift style. So, in true first world style, I decided to splurge on the hair and the new outfit. It would be silly not to listen to the wise man at the burger stand now wouldn't it?


Song of the day: Mirrors by Justin Timberlake  : This is my jam!! I am listening to this all the time. And those rough days when it was 7:35, and I didn't want to be going to class. It put the smile on my face and gave me the burst of energy that I need. It's the classic JT i've come to love over the years. Listen to it!

Quote of the Day :

The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed

"It won't be long till I'm going to need somebody to lean on"

The struggle between Good Mariam, and Bad Mariam continues. Before I went on my lady in the street but a... rant, this was the blog post I had in mind. I hear this song on the radio all the time, and it really resonates with me. It makes me think all of the time about the person I am, and the person I want to be. Here's the opening lines :

Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory
When I'm home where my soul belongs

Was I love
When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of those
Was my worship more than just a song

It makes me question weather I was any of this. Like most college students, I can be pretty self absorbed. I am normally concerned with homework, work, and other me related things. I make time to watch Army Wives at least once a week, but I can't tell you I make sure to hold the door for that stranger who's far enough away that it would be okay. Americans have always been individual oriented. We're all supposed to pull our weight and somehow make it work. We forget that not everyone can do that, and all of us need help along the way. My goal is to try and open my eyes to other people's heartache and pain. Look outside myself and help others more often. I remember when that Penn State football coach died, my mom said that that man had to have died of a broken heart. Now I realize there was probably some scientific disease or whatever to what happened to him, but I agreed with her analysis. A broken heart can hurt a lot more then a broken bone can. A lot of people associate heartbreak to being dumped. But any extreme disappointment can cause your heart to break, and hope in humanity to be lost. If you know anyone who's going through that, I encourage you to not take it lightly and be that person for them. If you're religious, you can think of it as being Jesus to the least of those. If it's not, you can think of Al Green's Song Lean on Me. The line that sticks out the most from those is "It won't be long till I'm going to need, somebody to lean on".