Top 25 Songs of 2019

Happy New Year loves! This marks the 11th year of this blog and some traditions must continue. Although I am extremely late, I present to you... my top 25 songs of 2019. I must preceded this list by saying that 2006 was still easily one of the best years for music. This year gave me slim pickings, and I listened to the same 40 or so songs all year. I will not let that stop me from making the list.

1. Good As Hell by Lizzo : This was Lizzo's year. The first time I heard about her was when I was getting my hair done. It had something to do with my weave from graduation. I had the two blond streaks in front and looked fire. She had the television on a music channel playing the top videos and juice appeared on the countdown. I was into the lyrics, the beat, and seeing a girl with some meat on her bones having so much confidence. I later discovered the remainder of her songs and really enjoyed them. She was in the Hustlers movie and appeared on all kinds of magazine covers this year. Good As Hell was easily my favorite.

2. Act Up by City Girls : I was really hesitant to put City Girls this high on the list. But they deserve it. This song was EVERYWHERE. Every women could relate to how fed up these women were with life in the 21st century. Men are trash and we all want to be real ass bitches that don't give a fuck about a n-. They became the voice of all black women through this one song and the savage women movement of 2019. People were shocked when they found out the song was written by a man.

3. South of the Border by Ed Sheeran ft. Camilla Cabello & Cardi B : The No. 6 Collaborations album was everything that I didn't know I needed from Ed. He had music in all types of genres that made us dance and feel good all summer long. A majority of this list will consist of songs from that album.

4. 7 Rings by Ariana Grande : This song was the end of Thank u, Next era Ariana. I admittedly didn't think she was good. I believed she was too young and that her music was for the generation after mine. We had Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus and they had her. But I finally gave her music a chance and fell in love. This song channeled Favorite Things from Sound of Music which is one of my favorite movies of all time. I enjoyed this song.

5. Saturday Nights Remix by Kane Brown ft. Khalid : Kane Brown was easily my favorite male artist this year. He has such a beautiful voice and his songs stole my heart. I have been waiting a long time for a young person of color to make good country music. It finally happened. Khalid added something magical to the song, and I couldn't get enough of their voices together in this song.

6. Truth Hurts by Lizzo : I told you that 2019 was the year of women being fed up with men right? This song starts with "Why men great till they gotta be great?". This song became an anthem. It empowered women everywhere. We took a DNA test and found out that we are 100% that...queen. I didn't go out very often this year, but when I did...this song was playing. Every women in the place screamed the words every single time. It was truly something.

7. If I Can't Have You by Shawn Mendes : I wouldn't call myself a Shawn Mendes fan. I haven't listened to his album. But I did hear this song on the radio and while out and about. It would get stuck in my head every singe time. It's the feel good song that we all needed.

8. No Guidance by Chris Brown and Drake : I miss old school Hip Hop/R&B. This was the only song released in 2019 that gave me that old school vibe. It was catchy, and I loved their voices together. Breezy and Drake had issues with one another revolving around Rihanna, so this song marked the end of that feud.

9. Remember the Name by Ed Sheeran ft. Eminem and 50 Cent : Did I mention that I miss old school Hip Hop/R&B. I never thought that Ed Sheeran would give me the fix I was looking for, but he did. I hadn't heard a song by either Eminem or 50 Cent in so long. But they came together for this, and I'm grateful. The song didn't get the love and attention that it deserved.

10. Old Town Road by Lil Nas X : I am putting this song at 10, because I have to. I have to recognize the impact that this song had on society. I originally heard it December 2018. I got my boyfriend Red Dead Redemption II for Christmas and the song was featured on the game. After that, it took on a life of its own. It was every young child's favorite song. We will never forget it.

11. Thotiana by Blueface :  The beat was absolutely irresistible. As soon as the song started, you had no choice but to dance? The song came with its own dance that people were doing everywhere. I went to the Mozzy concert, and they had a competition to see who could bust it down best. People changed their social media usernames to (  )iana and Cardi B made mamiana a thing.

12. Tempo by Lizzo ft. Missy Elliot: This song made me smile and made me want to dance. I have a memory with O. at the Replay this summer when this came on. We pointed at each other from a small distance, smiled, and both started dancing. Good, pure moment. That's the effect that his song had.

13. My Type Remix by Sawetie ft. City Girls and Jhene Aiko : Have I mentioned female rappers were everything this year? Enough said. Another catchy song that I loved.

14. Feels by Ed Sheeran ft. Young Thug and J Hus

15. Higher Love by Whitney Houston and Kygo : Whitney was the voice of a generation. Her vocals will make you listen. I was so excited for new music by Whitney. I showed this song to my mom and she had to break it to me that this is a remix of an old song. She has known it for years. We still appreciated it together.

16. Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi : It has been a really long time since I've heard a song with a piano instrumental as beautiful as this one. It's simple but beautiful. Lewis describes heartbreak so perfectly. 2019 was the year my heart broke in a way I never thought it could break. I found this song during that heartbreak. I don't listen to it often, because it makes me sad. But it deserves all the accolades.

17. Hot Girl Summer by Meg the Stallion, Nicki Minaj, and Ty$ : Summer 2019 was a Hot Girl Summer...PERIODT. This song will forever be an anthem that reminds us of that time.

18. Senorita by Shawn Mendes ft. Camilla Cabello

19. Juice by Lizzo

20. None of Your Concern by Jhene Aiko ft. Big Sean :

21. Put It All On Me by Ed Sheeran and Ella Mai

22. I Don't Care by Ed Sheeran ft. Justin Bieber

23. One Man Band by Old Dominion

24. Memories by Maroon 5 : Finishing up this list way late, but this is being added because of the significance of this song being played at Kobe Bryants funeral.

25. Texas Walker Ranger by Da Baby

Song That Came Out in 2018 That I Discovered Late : 

Twerk by City Girls ft. Cardi B : We will never forget the City Girls and Cardi B twerking as spray painted animals. It was a visual we will never forget. Booty booty booty booty rocking everywhere. I believe this song gets honorable mention, because it technically came out in 2018.

"Every Time You Scream at Me, I Want to Kiss You. When You Put Your Hands On Me, I Want to Touch You."

Around 10:00pm on Friday night, bae and I arrived in Fruit City. We were on our way to surprise his Grandmother. The only problem was that she lives in a gated community, and we didn't know her code. He couldn't ask bae's sister, because we planned to surprise her next. It made sense to do it in this order, so that we wouldn't scare his grandmother by coming too late. One of his cousins lived with his grandmother in late 2018. He guessed the code correctly, so we were all able to come in. We parked our cars and walked up to her house with bae right in front of the door. We knocked on the door and didn't hear anything, so we sent his cousin to knock on her window. She asked "who is it?" He said, "Grandma, it's M----". She came to the front door and asked once again, "who is it?". His cousin answered again. When his grandmother opened the door she took a step back to make sure it really was bae. She was in her pajamas and sleeping cap. Super adorable. Then she said "I knew you were going to pull up on me this weekend. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it." She gave him a big hug and it was beautiful. This was my first time meeting her. When he had walked in the house, he said "Grandma, look who's behind you". It was me. I gave her a hug and said nice to meet you. She chatted with Antwane and her grandsons and nephew. Her grandson's friend had come with us and out-shined me a bit. He got up to shake her hand and introduce himself in a more official manner. I just didn't want to be to in her face. His grandmother told us that she is going to a church event in the morning and would be back to spend time with us in the afternoon. That's when we left to go visit bae's sister.

We pulled up to her house and Bae opened on the door. His niece opened and was completely surprised. She put her hand over her mouth and looked shocked. She let us know that her mother wasn't home, so we went to his nephews room to surprise him. He had a leg injury and couldn't leave the bed without crutches. He was surprised as well as more and more people walked in the room. He said something like "Wow, it's a family reunion". Bae face-timed her sister's boyfriend to see if he knew where she was. He said "she told me that she was going to bed". That's when the mood became awkard and everyone assumed she was hooking up or something. I don't think she actually lives the life they assume, but she has a social media persona that kind of encourages "hoes" etc. It's a hot girl summer and lots of people share those kind of things, so I'm not quick to assume that that's actually her lifestyle. We then took off and headed to their other cousin and her best friend's home. We pulled up to the driveway and she came outside. She didn't recognize any of the cars. When we came outside, she was really happy to see bae and her little brother as well as their other cousins. She was really kind and welcoming. I liked her a lot. She called bae's sister while we were there. Bae stole the phone and started talking. She was surprised to hear him on the phone and asked that we meet her at her home. She was also really kind and welcoming. My heart was full to be so accepted by her. A couple weeks before we arrived in Texas, she had made a Facebook post congratulating me on my graduation. It made me feel really good.

We sat down and started hanging out in her living room/diving room area. She put Netflix on and we watched a time traveling move that everyone said was good. The guys gathered around the table and started smoking. Bae had been clean for the two years that he was on probation. I had suspected that he smoked with a friend the day that he got off papers, but didn't know for sure. As I'm sitting on the couch, he comes up to me with a blunt in his hand. He's twirling it in my face. I know my man. That was his way of asking me if he could smoke it.  I told him that he had made too much progress to just revert back to his old ways now. I was whispering, because I didn't want his family to hear and think that I was a controlling girlfriend. I am a controlling girlfriend when health and future are at stake. Part of loving someone is wanting what's best for them. What's best for my man is him not smoking.  I didn't want to stare him down or be stuck to him like glue after that, but it was obvious to me that he had smoked. We got in an argument about it in the car. It got so loud that I wasn't sure I could go back to his grandma's house. We did anyways and I got some really great apology loving. Legendary.

Quote of the day : "A true relationship is two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other".

Song of the day: When You're Mad by Neyo

"And Now As They Wander, Their Thoughts Ever Stray. South of the Border, Down Mexico Way."

I logged on and realized that I never finished writing about my trip to Texas. I will write about some highlights, so I can remember all of the tiny details of this trip some day. 

After we finished site-seeing in Dallas, we drove down to Killeen, Texas. Bae's best friend and cousin lives in the outskirts of the city. Before we got to his house, I stopped at a Jack in the Box to change clothes. While I was in love with my tiny denim dress, it didn't see appropriate for meeting family members. I changed into my black leggings and a light purple top that I have gotten from Tj maxx. When we arrived at the house, he was home with his fiance, daughter, and mother in law. We all chatted for a little while. Their daughter threw a little tantrum about wanting to get in her blow up pool or do something to get wet. One of the funniest moments was her dad telling her to go outside and spray herself with a water bottle. She was so excited about the idea. True childhood innocence. Their daughter was very talkative and showed me her baby book. His fiance was talkative as well. She talked to me about her job at the dealership and how lots of men try to approach her. She tells them that shes engaged and facetime's her fiance if necessary. She was in a rush to get married. She told me she would do a courthouse wedding any day now and then plan a ceremony in a year. June 20, 2020 is the date that she had selected. Bae wanted seafood, so we went to a nice seafood restaurant. The food was not my favorite, but I liked the vibe and decor. We also played pool. They beat us all three times. It was not one of our best games. After playing pool, they offered to let us stay on the couch at their apartment. We decided to save money and do that. The three of them left for a dentist appointment really early in the morning which I found weird. We didn't even get to shower. We just gathered our belongings and left.  

The rental car that we had was ratchet. The undercarriage started falling off when we were still in Kansas. We had a mechanic take a look at it. He claimed to have fixed the problem, but it was even worse when we were ready to leave Killeen. We found the nearest car rental building and traded the car in for a different one. After that, we began our drive to Austin, Texas. We needed to shower, but did not have a hotel room in Austin. I decided to look up free showers in the area. Most of the posts suggested finding a local YMCA and showering there. That's what I did. I showered, got dressed, curled my hair, and did a full face of make up in the YMCA bathroom. After that, we headed to meet my dear friend J. He had been living in Austin for a year when we met up with him. He took us to a great Mexican restaurant and even offered to pay. It was so sweet of him. We enjoyed an hour of great food and conversation. 

After lunch, we drove back to Killeen. Bae's cousin decided that he wanted to come back to their hometown with us for the weekend. We picked him up then were off to Houston. His fiance was not happy that he was going to be going without her. She couldn't come with us, because she had to work that weekend. I thought that her and I had gotten along pretty well, but she never accepted my friend request when I added her on Facebook. Maybe she thought I was a traitor for letting him come on the trip with us. 

We were going to Houston, because I wanted to spend some time with my line sister and bae was going to meet up with his cousins. My line sister was playing around and didn't really want to see me. Her first excuse was homework. Her second excuse was a lizard getting into her house and her not being able to leave until she caught it. I didn't get a message from her saying the lizard issue was resolved until I was already two hours away from Houston. We were there briefly with bae's other cousins. They also decided to come back to their hometown to surprise their grandma.  We had stopped at Carl's Jr. on the way to their hometown. Bae was being teased about the weight he gained. He said in the parking lot "I already got my girl. Y'all are the ones that have to be skinny to find someone" or something along those lines. Everyone laughed, but it made me feel really special. He was claiming me in front of his family. 

The hometown adventures will be documented on the next blog post. Stay tuned. 

Song of the Day : South of the Border by Ed Sheeran, Camilla Cabelo, and Cardi B

Quote of the day : Everything's bigger in Texas. 

"When you think happiness, I hope you think that little black dress. Think of my head on your chest and my old faded blue jeans. When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me"

Good Afternoon Lovers and Friends,

This last weekend was some kind of wonderful. I am grateful for every second of it. Bae and I had planned a trip down to Texas this past week. When the time came, we were worried about having enough money to make the trip happen. We decided to walk by faith and not sight. We woke up semi-early and headed to Texas. It was about 8 hours from Lawrence to Dallas. It took us a bit longer, because of unexpected car trouble. We stopped for a restroom break in Wichita and realized that the undercarriage of the car was falling off. I didn't know what an undercarriage was before this trip. You could tell that it had been falling off before we got the car, because there was a ton of visible, blue tape on the edge of the carriage. We called the car company back home and they advised us to go to the nearest location. The closest one was in a little town called Derby, Kansas. When we arrived to their location the employee let us know that they had no cars there and could not replace the vehicle. They directed us towards an auto shop in town. It was right next to McDonalds. We enjoyed the 2 for 5 while he allegedly removed the undercarriage. He didn't give us the piece back, but said we could drive without it. We were worried, but kept on driving anyways. I drove from part of Oklahoma to Dallas. About two and a half hours total.

When we arrived to Dallas, we quickly changed and decided to make the most of the day. I dressed in a new black dress that was a back up for graduation. It was a little snug, but I like how it made me look. We went to Beni Hana's. There was a 45 minute wait, but they had us seated in 15. The first thing I noticed was how diverse Dallas was. There were Caucasians, Asians, African Americans, and Hispanics at the restaurant. We shared a hibachi table with an Indian mother and her three sons. I ordered the teryaki chicken with fried rice instead of steamed. No mushrooms of course. The food was delicious and the chef knew all kinds of tricks. He did the volcano, and made the rice into the shape of a fish and heart. He juggled his utensils as well. We enjoyed the meal and headed back to the hotel. We got a good nights rest and woke up the following day ready to see all that Dallas had to offer.

Our first stop was the George W. Bush Presidential Library. I'm not a republican, but I love presidential libraries. It's nice seeing that particular presidents own interpretation of their presidency. The tickets were pretty pricey, but I took the hit. They were doing a series on Camp David and presidential retreats, so we stopped there first. It talked about all the different places past presidents spent their holidays and vacationed. I enjoyed seeing the Obama family's Hawaii pictures. The Bush family spent all their Christmas's at Camp David. They are lucky to have experienced the pomp and circumstance of the white house twice. After wandering through the display, we started our journey through the actual library. George W. was very humble about his presidency and made it clear that he never intended to be a war time president. He had a lot of goals and ideas that he did not get to see through because of the horrific events that happened the September of his first year and term. My favorite part of the library was seeing the work that their family has done in Africa. Zanzibar was mentioned multiple times and they had Kanga's as well as a Swahili bible that made me proud of my heritage. After taking full advantage of all the photo-ops, we were there for around 3 hours.

After the presidential library, we went to In and Out. It was Bae's first time. He really liked it. I enjoyed it as well. That was when I first realized that there are palm trees in Texas. After lunch, we headed to Klyde Warren Park. There was no nearby parking, so we had to part at Whole Foods and walk. I was not used to the Texas heat and humidity. The walk felt like it took a lifetime. I was too cheap to download the apps that gave us access to the motor scooters and bikes all around town. The park was really pretty. They had structures, colorful chairs, and fountains that kids could play in. There was also a Southwest lounge area that was very posh. We took photos and enjoyed that location. Our last stop of the day was reunion tower.

When we arrived at Reunion Tower, Bae told me that he was scared of heights. He repeated it multiple times, but I didn't take it seriously. We hopped on the elevator and got to the top of reunio tower. We could see the entire city from the top of the tower. After a couple minutes outside in the viewing area, bae said that he was done. He did not like being that high up. I wandered around outside and facetimed my aunt. She got to see the view. Bae soon came out and stated that he was ready to go. I asked him to take a couple more pictures and rudely teased him about his fear of heights. I had no idea that he was really scared. The final straw for him was when I sticked my hand out through the fence of the tower. He got really upset, and I realized that his fear was real. It was mean of me not to take it seriously. We rode the elevator down and raided the gift shop. I got a fridge magnet, postcards for my collection, and a Dallas Cowbodys fridge magnet for his grandmother. We got in the car and headed to Killeen, Texas. That's where the next story begins.

Song of the Day : Tim McGraw by Taylor Swift

Quote of the Day: "Better to see something once than hear about it 1000 times".YYou s

"Whatever will be, will be. The Futures not ours to see. Que Sera Sera"

Hello Faithful Readers (aka me at the end of the year),

I can't believe that I haven't updated this since January. Being in graduate school just takes up so much time and energy. So many things that I love get put to the side. One of those things is writing on this blog. It's May. The last two Mays have been months filled with anxiety. May is the month when final grades get posted and I find out whether or not I get to continue working towards my dream. At this point in time, I have invested 7 years to this goal. If I count the days I spent volunteering and studying in high school for this very same goal, it's more than 7 years. Exhausted doesn't even begin to cover it. The attitude that I have had these last 3 years is "Whatever will be, will be. The futures not ours to see. Que Sera Sera". Doris Day passed away this year, but her song will stay in my heart forever. It's gotten me through many anxiety filled times. I was listening to a sermon at church when the pastor talked about the "whatever will be, will be" attitude. He said that the attitude is not faith filled. As people of faith we have to believe that all things will come together for good, because we love the Lord and trust in him. Believing that I can actually accomplish my goals adds a lot of pressure I felt like I couldn't handle. But I placed by burdens unto Jesus and did it. I studied late into the night this past finals week and prayed with everything in me. I passed all of my finals. Some grades went up and others went down. It ended in a boost to my semester and cumulative GPA.

When I finished my exam, it didn't seem like I had really done it. I calculated my GPA over and over again. I did best and worse case scenarios over and over again. After 40 minutes of starring at the screen, I realized that I had done it. For once, I don't have to spend May stressing out. By that time, I had missed the champagne bottles spraying all over the back parking lot by my cohort. Unlike a majority of them, I still have 8 credit hours left before I complete the didactic curriculum. This upcoming year will be relaxed. I will not be a full time student and will have time to commit to many other things. I can read again and spend more time with family. I can keep my home cleaner. I can work more and have more money to work with. I can travel more. I am basically getting my life back. Prayers that everything continues to go well and I eventually reach my ultimate goal of earning my PHD. I now have two bachelors degrees, and I'm grateful.


My second graduation went well. I decided not to invite any friends or extended family to this one. I didn't want to have to throw a grad party and pay for food for all these other people. I didn't want to have to worry about keeping the conversation going.  I wanted my day to be about me. I knew my immediate family and lover would never taken away from my joy and moment, so that would be okay. My high school friends did not really care about whether or not I invited them. I honestly think they were glad that I didn't say anything. Some of them congratulated me. Others didn't, but that's okay. It is what it is.

Something beautiful and her five wonderful children came in town. That turned out to be a blessing. Her kids were fun and filled me with hugs and funny stories all weekend long. They kept my company while dancing to Michael Jackson songs and singing We are the World while decorating my graduation camp. I have this idea for Black Lizzie. I wanted to write "Hey Now! This is what dreams are made of" on my graduation cap. I wanted a gold glitter background, red and white flowers, and a cartoon of myself as Lizzie McGuire. I contacted the two artists closest to me, but neither was willing to draw the cartoon. My brother asked someone he knew from high school if she would be willing to do it. She claimed she would do it for me but got to me Saturday afternoon and said she couldn't. It broke my heart, but God works in mysterious ways. I ended up finding someone to do it last minute. It was a great job. I loved the cartoon and it looked great on my cap. My cap was easily my favorite part of graduating.

The Saturday before graduating I had a million things to do. I got my hair done and highlighted. I had to go to the mall to get some foundation. I also had to find pants for my lover and shoes for me. I decided to get a manicure and pedicure in Overland Park in order to save money. I was in the zone and happy to be doing things for me. I had plans to celebrate the graduation with my bestie and her bestie with dinner and a movie. We had these plans before I even reminded her that I was graduating. I told her that getting together that day would be enough and she did not need to come to the actual graduation. I ended up having to cancel on dinner and a movie, because I spent more money than I had planned to. I also was still at the mall and did not want to speed home in the rain. My cap still wasn't done, so I wanted to commit the next few hours to that. Canceling last minute made her really upset. Part of me understood and part of me didn't. She still had to drive all this way, but I knew that she had the other girl to experience the day with. She ended up dropping off a gift that I really appreciated. I thanked her, but she was upset. She turned my day about her. I was upset, but not surprised.

The actual graduation flew by. Nothing too meaningful was said except "stay on your parents phone plan as long as you can". That's the motto. My family was really proud of me. I got to do a photo shoot after the graduation at all the spots I like at KU. The pictures turned out lovely. After the photos, we had biriyani and went to my cousin's high school graduation party. It was nice to see them too. Overall a great and memorable day. I have two degrees!! Yay!!

Song of the Day : Que Sera Sera - Doris Day

Quote of the Day : "Maybe I'm an outfit repeater, but you're an outfit rememberer"- Lizzie McGuire

We're Cheetah Sisters. We Stand Together. We Make Up One Big Family Though We Don't Look The Same.

On January 13th, I celebrated 106 years of sisterhood, service, and scholarship with my chapter sisters. This celebration wouldn't have come together if my oldest spec and I hadn't set up the event. I hadn't seen her in a year. I hadn't seen one of my line sisters in 6 months. A long time had passed. These are people I really care about. Everyone just gets so busy, and you start to worry whether or not it will be awkward. I woke up at 9:00am. I showered, curled my hair, and did my makeup. By the time 11:00am rolled around, I was late to church. I made it at about 10 after. There was a guest preacher who came and spoke about the disciples. Particularly Matthew. He talked about how Matthew had been a tax collector working for the Roman Empire prior to leaving it all to follow Jesus. He talked about how different the people who left it all to follow Jesus were. How they all still managed to work together. We also ended the service with a deep prayer about how it is possible to hear Jesus speak to you. The service ran over and I knew I was going to be late. I ran to Walmart to get an elephant for the gift exchange. I also got a card for my sorority sister that was recently diagnosed with cancer. By the time I had made it home, I realized that I had bae's key. I had to have my kind, caring baby brother take it over to him. I threw on a shirt I had with all the founders name on it, put on some lipstick, and rushed to get ready as fast as I could.

What I didn't know was that my ride would also be making a stop in Leavenworth. 40 minutes away from my home and 40 minutes away from the restaurant. If I had known, I would have driven myself. I know that sounds bad, but I wanted to be on time. I was one of the people that put the event together and I felt that being late was disrespecting everyone's time. I knew that the stop in Leavenworth was important and had to be done, but it put a little damper on the day.

The rest of the day went wonderfully. We had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. When we arrived everyone had already been seated and ordered food. I went ahead and ordered the Cajun chicken littles, macaroni and cheese, and mashed potatoes. It was delicious as always. Before we had even finished our food, some guests were ready to leave. We have a sorority sister with a new boyfriend who couldn't wait to get back to him. I understood, because two founder's day ago I skipped in order to spend time with bae at a hotel bae and I had gotten together. New love means always wanting to be together. I thought it was cute, but everyone else was roasting her and rolling their eyes. It's hard to understand if you've never felt that way before. We got up in the middle of our meal and took photos by the staircase. It's funny, because this made the waitress assume that we weren't going to pay for our meal. I was very offended and kept ensuring her we would be back to pay. She wouldn't let it go. We got some decent pictures. I was just happy that all of us were together again.

Four of us stayed and chatted about various things for quite awhile. Some of the conversation was interesting and some of it was boring. Some of it we had talked about at least 50 times before. We talked about how one of our lines never get along. We talked about the made vs. not made stuff Greeks can't get enough of. After dinner, we headed to a get together for all women in our sorority. I was expecting a boring party, but it was actually really fun. They had cake, drinks, and a DJ playing great music. I got to see all my delta mamas and the women who led me to Deltaland. We got to take photos with them and talk a bit.

The best part of the night came from visiting my soror who was recently diagnosed with cancer. We went to her home for the first time. We told her what's been going on with us. She told us about how she's already done two rounds of treatment. She told us that she hasn't been having terrible side effects aside from a sore mouth. She told us about how cooperative her job was being even though she doesn't have paid time off yet. She told us about how she had been praying on the word trust for a year. She ended up getting a job at a trust fund and now has the hard journey to go through. She was positive which left me encouraged. We gave her a card and some money that we had donated. It brought her to tears which almost brought me to tears. She deserved the small token of our appreciation and more. It was the most special moment of the day to me. When people treat you well, it feels good to have an opportunity to return the favor and show your love and appreciation.

I ended the day feeling whole.

Song of the Day: Cheetah Sisters by the Cheetah Girls

Quote of the Day: “Never hold resentments for the person who tells you what you need to hear; count them among your truest, most caring, and valuable friends.”   (This meme is going around about valuing friends that tell you the truth when its not easy. It really spoke to me, because that was a big friendship issue I had last year.)

"Eyes Haven't Seen. & Ears Haven't Heard. The Kind of Blessings That's About To Follow Me"

I haven't put much thought into my New Years Resolutions this year. I had a nice end of the year review, but I didn't do much looking forward. Since I'm sitting here at my job with nothing to do, I might as well.

1. Grow in my relationship with God. I have grown in some ways over the last couple years and fallen off in others. I had gotten to the point where I read my bible every night and prayed every night, but that all kind of changed. I grew in my faith enough to not feel like I have to constantly beg God to make things go my way. That wasn't the relationship I wanted with him anymore. Especially when it came to school. But I do long for daily quiet time with the Lord. Time to read his word and set my mind of the right path. Since the new year started, I've been having trouble falling asleep. I think its because I need that time again. I would also like to continue attending the bible study I joined this last fall. I want to work towards being more open with them. I need a group of people I can be completely honest with. I've become very closed off in the last year and a half-ish.

2. Graduate and make progress on my degree. No need to write even more about this. It's just something that I have to buckle down on and do.

3. Stop worrying about things outside of my control. In May, I decided that I was ready to start trying to have a baby. No one knows this, but I had become pretty much consumed by this in my free time since I made the decision. I read all these blogs, I stalk all these mom accounts or fertility accounts on Instagram, and I'm always hoping that this is the month it'll happen. I have no doubt that 2019 will be my year, but I really have to stop fixating on it so much. It's not healthy. I think some of it stems from boredom. I need to spend the mental energy I put into thinking about that in to something else.

Same goes for fixating on my BFs family and whether or not they like me. I will treat them with the kindness and respect that I show everyone else. If that's not enough then *shrugs*.

4. Make more memories with people I love. Time is the most precious thing we have and I don't doubt it for one minute. If I want to bother my mom, dad, and brother at least once a day for no reason, then I will. If I want to call them all the time, I will. I want to send more texts saying "I love you". I don't want to be involved in any more silly arguments with friends. I just want it to be all love from here on out. I want to give out as much love as I possibly can.

5. I need to make healthier lifestyle choices. It's embarrassing that this is on my list every year and every year I gain more and more weight and do not exercise. This year I want to start with exercise. Even if I don't lose weight, I want to work out more. I also want to stay away from fast food as much as possible. I will initially try to cut it out  all together, but if that becomes too much I'll limit it to once a week. In 2018, I had weeks where I consumed fast food every other day. Food cannot be my source of joy or comfort when I have to deal with school related stress. If I make those two small changes, I'll be proud of myself.

6. Learn to trust more. I need to have complete faith in my relationship. This is really hard to do, but I'm going to work on it. We can't move to the next step without me loosening the leash a bit. We'll see if I can do it.

I think that list covers it. I didn't add any work related goals, because I don't have any. I want to chill on work this year. The 14 hour days I was working last summer wore me out. As much as I love and appreciate material things, I don't want to go through that again. I want to rest. I want to budget my money better, so I don't have to work as much and live paycheck to paycheck. I work part time and go to school full time. I'm no longer interested in trying to keep up with people who work full time. I don't want to live above my means. Can't wait to see what joy and blessings this year brings. I'm staying positive about this year, because I have no reason not to.  God is good to those who love him.

Prayers for long life, good health, love, laughter, and joy for me, my family, and friends.

Song of the Day : I'm Getting Ready by Tasha Cobbs

Quote of the Day : "Let go of yesterday. Let today be a new beginning and be the best that you can, and you’ll get to where God wants you to be.” – Joel Osteen

Things I Want To Remember About 2018.

1. Being front row at the Drake concert. Nothing was the same. I got to experience this concert with some of my closest friends and he looked right at me hundreds of times. We were right behind Chubs the entire show.

2. My last moments with my angel friend. The feeling at the hospital was heavy and full of hurt, but what outweighed that was the feelings of love. The bond I have with the people in that room is unbreakable. I will never forget those moments. I won't forget the last living moments either. Going to see Mama Mia and Life Itself together. Attending her housewarming party and Sarah's.

3. My best friend's wedding. I got to celebrate twice, almost six months apart. There's something special about seeing someone you care about getting their happily ever after. We always talked about getting married and who we would end up with. She found someone that truly loves her for all that she is. I'm thankful for that.

4. The birth of my God Son. That little boy came into this world and stole my heart. He is so cute, smart, and fun to be around. I love holding him and playing with him. I love to see him smile, laugh, clap, and attempt to point at things. I loved finding cute holiday outfits for him to wear on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. He is everything good in the world, and I'm so lucky to get to see him grow up and be part of his life.

5. Diamond concert with my mama and aunt. I love those two women, and we don't get to do so many fun things together. I think its because we all work so hard. It was great to have a night of fun together. Well deserved. Wish we could have convinced my dad to go.

6. My birthday. It was a beautiful celebration and I loved every minute of it. I'm lucky to love and be loved by so many people.

7. Completing this past semester of school. I finally got a great GPA and felt the rewards of my hard work. It was a really good feeling.

8. My little brother's high school graduation and all his senior events. I loved seeing him perform in so many Encore ensembles. Encore was so important to me in high school and it was fun watching him follow in my foot steps. He lights up on the stage. He was in chamber choir. I enjoyed hearing all those performances as well. I loved watching him get ready for Prom and was proud of him for bringing a date. I am so proud of the person he is and continues to become.

9. Going to the Zoo and exploring KC with the cousins. That was a great couple days. We had a lot of fun.

10. Cooking meals for my love and I. I always wanted to be a woman who made sure her man was fed well.I learned all kinds of new recipes and perfected the ones that I already know. The meals I make a lot include fried chicken strips, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, scalloped potatoes, quesadillas, nachos, pork chops, and pasta. I also made an entire Thanksgiving meal filled with everything he wanted. I was very proud of how the meal turned out.I made cornread, turkey legs, dirty rice, yams, macaroni and cheese. It was great.

11. Getting to decorate a home. I really enjoyed bringing different pieces together and turning a house in to a home. Working at HomeGoods helped a lot, because I had so many new ideas. Home decorating is definitely a new found passion of mine.

12. Falling in love with reading again over the summer. These are the books I enjoyed the most :

•  Americanah by Chimamanda Adichie
• Two by Two by Nicholas Sparks
• The Misadventures of an Awkward Black Girl by Issa Rae
• See Me by Nicholas Sparks
• Why Not Me? By Mindy Kaling
• Purple Hibiscus by Chimamanda Ngozi
• An American Marriage by Tayari Jones
• The You I've Never Known by Ellen Hopkins
• The Wedding Date by Jasmine Guillory
• After You by Jojo Moyes
• This is Me by Chrissy Metz 
• Motherhood by Sheila Heti

13. Date Nights. 

• We celebrated our anniversary by going to a KU Basketball game. We got to watch KU play Texas Tech. Much to my surprise, Texas Tech won. He was smiling ear to ear and all of Allen Field House had no idea how to take the upset. We then went to the grocery store and went home to make nachos for dinner. 
• We spent valentine's day in a fight. I got upset, because he insisted on seeing his present before I was ready to give it to him. I had gotten him some polo clothes which I knew he would love. He gave me my gift days early. The night ended well though. He surprised me by taking me to Olive Garden and we met this cute, old couple. The man told us funny jokes and he liked bae so much that he offered him a job at a restaurant his son manages in KC. 
• We went to Dave and Busters a couple of times. I enjoyed playing the basketball game and guitar hero. 
• Our night at the fair. It was nice to see all the rides. I insisted that he win me a stuffed animal, because I wanted a movie moment. It was too much pressure and he was unable to do it. So I won a small elephant for myself. I named her Ellie and we still have her. We also ate funnel cake. 
• We went to Bolings over the summer. But only after stopping by Princess Garden first. We walked in and realized they were only doing to go orders. The entire restaurant was booked for a wedding. All of the Asians guests looked at us surprised. They had no black guests, so we stuck out like a sore thumb. 
• Movie nights. We went to see The Acrimony, Tag, and Crazy Rich Asians together. Tag was not my favorite. I fell asleep during that one. But I loved the Acrimony and Crazy Rich Asians. 
• Ice skating the night before my birthday. 
• Watching the fire works together on fourth of July and kissing underneath the fireworks. 
• Black Friday shopping together. We hit up Walmart the night of Thanksgiving. The next day we went to the mall and got all kinds of things that we loved. We ended the day with lunch at Jack Stacks. Delicious bbq. 
• We went to Kobe for some hibachi and he ordered just onions for his vegetables. They ended up giving him a huge plate of onions that was comical. We got a ton of food that day. 
• We went on a double date to the pumpkin patch an got lots of cute photos. 
• Seeing 2 Chainz perform at Late Night in the Phog. He even danced a little at that concert. 
• Random lunch dates at the Cheesecake Factory and random breakfasts at the Big Biscuit. 
• When he paid to get my nails done and I got him NBA 2k19. 
• This isn't even all of them. We've had some great moments together.

14. Attending Bible Study and getting to know more people at church. I had a lot of great praise and worship moments at church. A lot of messages moved me. I am happy at the church. I also loved surprised my mom at church. She was so happy to sing with me and worship with me. The look on her face was priceless. 

15. Going to all my brothers choir and band performances with my family. Just being around the house with my family. I love them so much. 

16. Us young people getting the house to ourselves while my parents were in Africa. It was nice getting to bond and run the home our way for a little while. 

17. The television shows that stole my heart this year. 

• 90 Day Fiance/Before the 90 days/90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After
• Queen Sugar
• Love Is
• Greenleaf
• This is Us
• A Million Little Things
• Grace and Frankie
• Chewing Game
• She Gotta Have It 
• Red Table Talk
• Ball in the Family 
• Counting On : The Duggars
• Sister Wives 
• Married At First Sight
• The Mindy Project
• Keeping up with the Kardashians (when I had time)
• Teen Mom (when I had time)  

18. Celebrating Thanksgiving. We started the day with breakfast together. We then moved on to lunch with my family. Typical lunch that we all love : biryani, turkey, sambusa, catlesi, mandazi, chapati, kachori, kababu. It was delicious. We then got to spend the day with my future father in law. We went to his cousins house and met some really sweet, genuine people. 

19. Christmas 2018. We threw a party on Christmas eve which I cooked for. The meal consisted of fried chicken strips, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, corn bread, cupcakes, and reindeer cookies. We started the day with another big breakfast. Waffles, hash browns, sausage, and cheesy eggs. We then got ready for lunch with my family. We went to my future father in laws and watched the christmas blackish episode. We then went back to open gifts with my family. I led the gift giving and recorded everything. There were so many laughs. 

20. My last day at my old job. I am so lucky to have had the chance to work with so many beautiful people. They helped me grow and have been my family for the last 3 years. I cried the day I had to leave. Ugly tears in front of them. I brought a Thank You card for everyone that I worked with. They had a goodbye party for me with lots of snacks. It was a beautiful day. Filled with lots of love. 

21. I started a new job and am finally making some money. I am still in an office and get to work with kind, friendly people. I got to take a nice professional picture. I have my own cubicle. Can't complain. All glory to God. 

"Still every team's number one pick in the draft. I'm Kobe. KD. Kyrie. Pick a K"

Hello World,

My birthday is my favorite day of the year every year. I have always loved my birthday more than the usual person and seem to love it more and more every year. This year I thought of it as more than just a birthday. I thought of it as a celebration of my life and a day to Thank God for allowing me to see another year of life. Not everyone was blessed with more time, and I am so so grateful that I was. This year I turned 25. 25 years old. I started this blog when I was 15 years old. I have almost 10 years of feelings, thoughts, fears, and growth here. I do not utilize it as often as I used to, but it's on my to do list. Writing my feelings is a lot more affordable than going to therapy.

For the second year in a row, I did not have to take a final on my birthday. I finished all my exams on Friday, December 14th. I passed everything with flying colors. Only one C this semester. I was extremely proud of my progress and how far I've come academically. I will continue to push for better grades next semester and study as hard as I possibly can. I still don't want all my hard work to be for nothing. I want this degree. I'm hungry for it.

I started my birthday celebration immediately after my last final. I went home and showered, did my hair, and picked out an outfit. the most memorable thing about my birthday outfit will have to be the fanny pack I purchased. Kim Kardashian started this fad where you were your fanny pack over your shoulder. The same fad happened when I was in middle school with the north face fanny packs. Instead of wearing the bag part on our backs like we did in 2007, they flipped it. The bag part sits on our chest. I never participated in the trend in 2007, so I was excited to participate this time. I wore a black, white, and read off the shoulder top with bell sleeves with fleece lined leggings, and black faux leather boots. My fanny pack was from Boohoo. It was also faux leather. I got it for less than $10.

My love and I did a quick photoshoot then headed to the Plaza in Kansas City. We were lucky enough to get a parking spot right in front of the restaurant. I was really excited to try the Shake Shack. When I arrived, I realized that the Shake Shack was not what I expected it to be. It was packed. The line went from the cash register to the door. The restaurant itself was relatively small. There were not nearly enough seats for everyone eating there. People were jumping to save seats whenever someone got up. This resulted in a majority of the people having tables before their food arrived. The people who did have food had no where to sit. We waited about an hour for our food. It was a hectic mess with people ordering from postmates online.They didn't have nearly enough staff for all of this. Our buzzers went off before our food was ready. We did eventually get our food. We had to sit outside despite it being cold. This all sounds fairly negative, but I was still all smiles. I like a hectic, popular restaurant. I like to people watch and I like the hustle and bustle. One woman came outside to tell my love and I that there might be a seat becoming available. She felt bad, because they had a table despite not having food and we didn't have one. The right thing to do would have been to give us her table. But we all know people are nice. Just not that nice. The food was delicious. I had a bacon burger with cherry peppers. It really hit the spot. I also had bacon and cheese fries. I was in plus size girl heaven.

After finishing our meal, we headed to Crown Center. We found the parking garage and ventured around the mall for a few minutes. There was a children's choir singing carols. They had giant nutcrackers and pretty lights everywhere. It was beginning to look a lot like Christmas. It all warmed my heart. I love Christmas just as much as I love my birthday. We walked towards the ice skating rink and got in line. We were in line for about 45 minutes. My love helped me put my skates on, because I have always been bad at making sure my laces are tight enough. We skated for about an hour. It was his first time ice skating, but he did better than me. He had no fear. He left the wall and just went for it. He was making full rounds around the ice skating ring. We took some videos. They were playing Christmas carols. My heart was happy. We went back to Lawrence after ice skating and started a new day.

Saturday was spent resting, relaxing, and treating myself. I spent time with my family that morning and tried on the outfits that I planned to wear for my big day. I got copies made of some of my favorite childhood pictures for my birthday party decor. I then went to get my nails done. I got acrylics in purple, white, and gold. The this was the theme of my birthday. Turning 24 made this my Kobe Year. I wanted everything to be Laker's colors. Finding a purple dress proved to be harder than you would think though, so I got a black birthday outfit. After getting my nails done, I went to the ATM to get money out for my hair stylist. The ATM ended up eating my credit card. I was in tears by the time I got to my hair stylist. She tried to cheer me up about everything. She made my hair look cute. I wanted straight hair for the first time in a long time. She cut it to right about my shoulder. I ended up not minding. It was fairly cute. After getting my hair done, I went to run some last minute errands and get a REALLY late mcdonalds mcchicken lunch. I then prepared for my long time friends birthday dinner.

I was starting to get ready at the time I should have been leaving for the party. It was really bad. But I still needed to shave, shower, and do my makeup. I found an outfit and hit the road. I arrived to the party 45 minutes late. I felt really bad, because I really wanted to be on time for her. It was not a good friend moment. I let her down. I made it up to her by being the only friend that agreed to going out with her following the dinner. We went to an uppity bar calked the Monarch. I had a good time there. It was a cute vibe, but I wish there could have been dancing. I also wanted to be back with my love when the clock hit midnight. I ended up stopping by Denny's for a free birthday meal on my way home.

I woke up early on the day of my actual birthday and went to the early church service. We sang songs and had a great sermon that related to advent. I love the church calendar and traditional messages leading up to Christmas, so it was every thing and more. After Church we stopped by Dillons to pick up the balloons and finish last minute crafting. I got dressed then headed to the restaurant to decorate. I had flower petals on the table, my cupcakes in the shake of 24, balloons. It was a dream come true. My closest friends and family members came. We listened to my Mamba Mentality playlist. I had chicken friend rice and they sang Happy Birthday to Me. I also got a phenomenal photo shoot after. The whole day was perfect. I am ecstatic to celebrate another year of life and do it surrounded by people I love.

Song of the day : Ganja Burns by Nicki Minaj

Quote of the Day: "If you see me in a fight with a bear, pray for the bear. That's Mamba Mentality"

Top Songs of 2018

Every year I make my annual Top Songs of the Year list. It's one of my favorite things to do around New Years Eve. This year was the most difficult to make. If I was being honest, I would probably make songs 1-10 songs from Scorpion. Drake was the only artist that really spoke to me this year. I do not like these new age rappers. Lucid Dreams was the only song that really made an impact and stuck with me. I realized I liked it because it got stuck in my head for most of the month of December. I didn't have the song, but it would stick with me every time I heard it on the radio.

1. In My Feelings by Drake : This is hands down the song of the summer. Everyone was jumping out of cars and doing the the dance to the song. "KEKE!" was the caption to way too many Instagram photos. It was upbeat and made you want to shake it. It automatically put me in a good mood. The music video was very cute. Lala Anthony was in it. Seeing as she was separated from Carmelo when she made the video, it was even cuter.

2. God's Plan by Drake : This song was basically a spiritual for me this year. It inspired me and motivated me when I didn't know what was going to happen with school last May. Lets not forget yelling out "She say do you love me I tell her only partly, I only love my bed and my mama I'm sorry" every. single. time.

3. Nice For What by Drake : This was a women's empowerment song. The music video had so many inspirational women from this generation. He gave us plenty of Instagram captions as always. I like that he acknowledged working women. This summer I was working 2 jobs, 14 hour days. It was exhausting. But I was "working hard girl, everything paid for. First, last phone bill, car note, cable".

4. Thank U, Next by Ariana Grande : Ariana Grande has been a popular artist for quite some time now, but she was never on my radar. I thought of her as a child star from after my generation. I just assumed her music was for younger people. Thank U, Next was everything though. I've had it on repeat since I heard it in November. The Mean Girls references in the music video made my heart happy and who could forget Kris Jenner playing Regina George's mom. It was iconic.

5. Boo'd Up by Ella Mai : This song was every where this year. There were Boo'd Up challenges where people would make their own raps. It had a classic feel that just made you smile inside. I got to spend the year Boo'd Up with my love. It felt good.

6. I Like It by Cardi B : There is no denying that 2018 was Cardi B's year. She got engaged, married, and had baby Kulture. We were all following her to see the latest thing she would do, okurrrr? I was team Nicki when it came down to that feud, but this song was a jam. It belongs on the top 10 songs of the year. Even I can't deny that.

7. Freaky Friday by Lil Dicky and Chris Brown : This song was different! The beat was good and Chris Brown's voice has made me melt since I was a teenager. I liked how it was funny and how so many stars I love made suprise appearances. I enjoyed Ed Sheeran and Kendall Jenner the most.

8. Girls Like Me by Maroon 5 ft. Cardi B : I've been a Maroon 5 song for a really long time. This song proved that they still got it.

9. Smile (Living my Best Life) by Lil Duval : Bae was in love with this song. I thought it was a joke at first, because the song was so free. I didn't think it could be a radio hit, but it became one. It was a good reminder to be grateful for whatever you have. He said be thankful if you're "eating good off your food stamp card". Just a friendly, funny reminder that we all have a lot of be happy about.

10. Eastside by Benny Blanco, Halsey, & Khalid : I found this song a couple weeks ago. The beat makes me want to dance. It gives me reggae/dance hall vibes. Can't get enough.

11. Taste by Tyga and Offset : I was the last person that expected Tyga to make a come back in 2018. He spent 2015-2018 as a running joke. It just didn't seem like he could release a good song. There was honestly no coming back from the line "she a big girl, when she stimulated". He was viciously dumped by Kylie and she quickly moved on to Travis Scott and started a brand new life. But he broke the "Kardashian curse" and released a gem. This song makes me want to dance.

12. Big Bank by YG, 2 Chainz, Nicki Minaj, and Big Sean : I love all the artists in this song. I have seen all of them live. This song has my heart. My favorite memory with this song would have to be going to Late Night at the Phog and seeing 2 Chainz perform his verse in this song. It was lit. I loved it.

13. Barbie Tingz by Nicki Minaj :  Nicki had a really tough year. I felt bad for her. It was supposed to be her come back, but the media focused on the negatives and boy were there a lot of negatives. She had her feud with Cardi B, she dated a child molester, she lost the number one spot on the chart to Travis Scott, and Drake unfollowed her. It was sad. This song was my favorite of the ones she released this year. I was sad that she left it off the album. It was classic Nicki. "All tea, all shade, bitch all offense".

14. Sandra's Rose by Drake : This song was special to me. It was classic, soft, story telling Drake. I thought that the sweetest lines from the album came from this song. "I'm the chosen one, flowers never pick themselves".

15. Uproar by Lil Wayne : Carter 5 is the album everyone has been waiting on for years. Weezy is finally free and this song gave us the classic vibes that everyone loves. Hands down my favorite song from the album.

16. Ganja Burn by Nicki Minaj: I got my birthday caption from this song. "Still every teams number one pick in the draft. I'm Kobe. Kyrie. KD. Pick a K".

17. Get Along by Kenny Chesney: This song is real classic country. Not an ounce of pop. I liked the guitar and the message. It was a much needed song given the politcal climate in 2018.

18. Come See About Me by Nicki Minaj 

19. Lucid Dreams by Juice World : This song always managed to get stuck in my head. I didn't have it downloaded but would hear it on the radio all the time. The fact that it stuck with me and is by a new age rapper means it's worthy of the list.

20: Be Careful by Cardi B : only because "I want to get married. Like the Curry's: Steph and Ayesha" is a big mood.

Honorable Mention : The Middle by people I don't know.

Top Praise & Worship Songs of the Year 

1. Reckless Love by Cory Asbury : This song was everything. I have definitely cried singing these lyrics this year. It perfectly described the love that God has for us. We couldn't run away from hs love even if we tried. He's here for us through all of it.

2. I Give Myself away by William McDowell : This year I learned to let go. To give it to God. And when I give it to God, I don't have to pester him and remind him all the time. I don't have to fear that he's forgotten about me. I just have to have faith that he will use me and move me in the right direction.

3. The Answer by Jeremy Camp : Jesus is the answer to every question.

4. Living Hope by Phil Wickam : This song started like a hymn. I am big on hymns. It touched my heart.

5. The Break Up Song by Francesca Battistelli : "Fear you don't own me!". Another big theme that I hung on to this year. I will not let fear over take me and keep me from reaching my fullest potential.


African Songs of the Year : 

Bae loved "Man Don't Dance" and "Man Not Hot". It made me smile that my American boyfriene was entertained by songs by African Artists. Honestly didn't find many other new songs.

Maybe Hodari. I liked that song at my friends wedding.



Another year, another list. Thank you for reading.

"You Gotta Swim. Swim for Your Life. Swim For The Music That Saves You When You're Not So Sure You'll Survive".

Hello Beautiful, Faithful Readers. 

I hope this post finds you happy, healthy, wealthy, and surrounded by people that love you. Cherish them. Tell them you love them. Hug them extra tight. Each and every moment with those we love counts. I opened up this blog to write some posts today. I found one that I hadn't posted. On the post I talked about how happy I had been to go visit a friend and go to their house party. I talked about how beautiful her home was and how it matched the artsy vibe that I expected it to. I didn't go into detail. The day of this particular house warming party, I showed up on time! I was excited. It had been awhile since I had spent time with friends. I'm normally the cheap friend that doesn't get gifts, but I decided to this time. I went to HomeGoods and purchased a bag, paper, some awesome women's environment coasters, and a candle. My love dropped me off in front of the house. I texted her to let her know that I was there and she came down the stairs and got me. We walked up together and she said "this is my place" or something along those lines. She had the place fully furnished with pretty colorful items and mismatched furniture. I specifically remember a purple coach, a picture on the wall with the world map. She had colored in all the different countries that she had been to on it, and it couldn't have been more impressive. She also had an ikea shelf that she put together with little plants. I thought they were cute and asked if they were real. She said they were. That's how I knew she had reached a new level in adulthood. She had plants! I was really happy for her. Really proud of how far she had come. 

At that particular housewarming party, we had decided that we missed getting together and should do it more. She suggested getting together the first weekend of every month, because this party happened to be the first weekend of September. When the first weekend of October rolled around, we had made plans to get together but then had to cancel. My angel friends grandma had passed away. A month and a week from that day, all of us reunited at a another friends housewarming party. I don't know why, but I wasn't in the mood to go the day of the house party. I was sleepy and feeling lazy. The friend that I was going to ride with wasn't sure how she felt about going anymore. We somehow ended up convincing each other to go. I woke up from my nap late, but got ready immediately after. My friend O. got ready as well. We took pictures outside of the car and then headed off to Kansas City. We were hungry and stopped at the Cheesecake Factory despite already being late. I had a delicious four cheese pasta with chicken. When we finished dinner, we drove over to my friends house. We walked upstairs and found four of our friends there. We all gave each other hugs and got to chat for a little while. We talked about how great our other friends place is. They asked if O. and I planned on going clubbing after the party. We said yes, but never did actually make it out the door. I remember my angel friend from the 1st house party telling me that I had to go see the painting the hostess had hung in her room. My angel friend said she was tired, because she had spent the day at her grandma's funeral. It had been a long day and she wanted to rest. We took a photo and we had talked about how a lot of us were wearing black. She said "of course, I'm wearing red". We hugged each other goodbye. 

I had no idea that that would be the last time I see my angel friend. I had reached out to her twice in between her grandma's passing and that Saturday. I specifically remember saying that I know we expect our grandparents to pass away in our lifetime, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. I told her to reach out to me if she needed to get out of the house. This happened to be the weekend of fall break. I had set all my dr.'s and eye doctors appointments for the following Monday. I was driving to the parking garage when I got a call from a friend who never calls me. I figured that she was downtown and had seen me walking. I turned into the parking garage and decided to give her a call back. When I answered the phone, her and my other friend were together. They told me that they were at KU Med. They told me that they had gotten a call from our Angel friends mom the night before. She told them that early Sunday afternoon, our friend had a brain aneurysm. Not even a week after her 25th birthday. She started seizing and was taken to the emergency room. They wanted to life flight her to KU Med, but it was raining that day and they couldn't do it. They eventually put her in an ambulance and took her to the hospital. Late Sunday night she took her last breath. She was on life support. They believed that she was brain dead and would confirm it with a test that afternoon. Her mom said that we were all welcome to go and say goodbye. 

I was shocked. I had to asked to her to say it all again, because I couldn't process it. We were just together two days prior. She was fine. Tired but fine. I told them that I would be there as soon as I can. I started tearing up and called my mom and let out a good cry. We then coordinated going to KU Med. We were all by her side within a two hour period. All together again, but not in the way we wanted to be. I'll never forget her on that hospital bed. Someone that always had so much life was lifeless. We sat next to her and talked to her for a little bit then she went off to get her final test. We walked to iHop and all had lunch together, but it felt wrong. We were missing someone. When we got back we saw her sisters tearing up in the waiting room. Eventually one of them came over to all of us and said that the test showed no brain activity. Our beautiful angel was no longer alive. 

The next few days were filled with tears and shock. When I went to give her mom a hug goodbye that Monday, she said "Oh Mariam. She loved you so much.". I loved her too. I hope she knew that and hope she can still feel that love now that shes in a better place. I didn't think I could handle going back to the hospital. She was supposed to be taken off life support on Wednesday and that day I didn't go. But she waited for me. They ended up removing her from life support early Friday morning and we were all with her again Thursday night. We shared all the things we loved about her. I was in the room with all her closest family.We cried. There were so many tears. Towards the end of the night her dad asked if we would like some time along with her. We said we didn't at first but he knew we needed it. It was a very emotional time. Our final moments as a complete friend group. I couldn't stop crying when I left the room for the last time. I got a hug from her childhood friend and it just made me cry harder. She was giving hugs to anyone and everyone that needs one. Eventually all us friends, her mom and aunt group hugged. We cried and cried and cried and comforted each other. Then we did the hokey pokey, because even on our hardest days God bring love, joy, and comfort. Even if its just for a second. Her mom talked about how we should block the hospital door when they try to take her to her organ donation therapy. They can't have her. I felt that with my whole soul. I didn't want to lose a friend and I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. 

I am still grieving and will continue to grieve her loss for the rest of my life. We spent 11 years in each others lives. I am grateful for grieving, because grieving is the price we pay for love. If I had to choose between never meeting her and never feeling this loss or getting to know her until her last dying moment, I would still pick knowing her until her last dying moment. I am writing about this here, because this blog is my story. I have ran here with all my lowest moments and some of my higher moments to. This loss is part of my story and she used to read this blog. Rest in Peace Angel Friend. You were too good for this world. 

Song of the Day : Swim by Jacks Mannequin 

Quote of the Day : "Grief is the last ace of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love" 

I Wonder Why I Never Posted This

To the 2-10 people that will read this, hello. I wonder about you all from time to time. Are you friends I shared the link with back in high school. Are you strangers that hopped on my journey along the way? Do you read to be nosey or because you care? I will never know, but I am definitely curious. Life has been relatively good lately. It's been awhile since I have been able to say that. I spent summer 2018 working, working, working, working, all day long. I originally felt like I didn't have much to show for the summer. I bought a lot of furniture and tried my hand at home decorating. I was finally able to buy gifts for people I care about. I bought a lot of organic potato chips and things that I don't need from HomeGoods. It's been beautiful. I also applied to a scholarship that I received before and was denied this time around. I applied to a swahili translator job that I did not get. I had thoughts about how I am not meeting the standards I set for myself financially. I still make under $10.00 an hour with a college degree. All of those things were heavy on my heart.

I started my third year of P. School about 3 weeks ago. The first day was absolutely terrible. I was crippled by anxiety. I woke up early, did my hair, makeup, and got dressed. My first day of school outfit consisted of a plus size, black and flowery top from torrid and black pants with a black cardigan and black flats. I arrived to class 1 hour early, because I thought it started at 9:00am instead of 10:00am. There were a handful of people who made the same mistakes as me. It turned out for the best, because I got to watch podcasts for my Tuesday class. My real life reicy forgot his drivers license and credit card at home and asked me to take it to him on his break. I didn't say no, because I was already anxious and felt like if I don't take it he will get pulled over and fall into trouble. I drove over to his work and placed the ID in his car. I also snooped in his car a substancial amount. I started eating my poptart, because I needed food to keep me going. I pulled out of the parking lot faster than I should and got in a car accident with someone who was also speeding. The accident occurred thirty minutes before my class was going to start and I had to miss my very first lab. It cost me $263 to tow my car when it should have only cost $50. I didn't know any better and let the police call a tow company for me. I had been saving that money for something important, so it broke my heart that it had to go towards towing the car.

My dad was out of the country, so he couldn't help me with any of this. The accident got me down in the dumps. I counted my blessings. I was able to use my dad's car for a week since he was out of the country. I was terrified of telling my dad that I got in an accident, because he helped me out by getting me that car. He took the news fairly well, but was stressed out about the amount of time and resources it would take to fix my car. He stayed committed to the task and ordered all the parts for it. He helped me get my car towed to the mechanic for free. He paid for everything to get fixed and handed my my new and improved car a week later. I couldn't be more appreciative of everything he's done. It means a lot to me. I am lucky to have the support of my parents.

I got in another fight with my so called best friend. It helped me realize that the friendship is irreparable. I wanted a best friend that I could talk about being in love with. Someone that I could share my joy with. She wants someone who will do the same and share her sadness. I feel like I put in way more than I got out of it. She feels like it was equal. At the end of the day when I think of my wedding day, she's not the person I want standing next to me.  I think she would find a way to make the day about her or be annoyed about something. I don't think she would try to make it as special for me as possible. Before my anonymous commenter who thinks I'm a hypocrite comes down my throat... I truly believe that I would do these things for other people. I have gone above and beyond to make events special for friends before and never complained about it. Everyone deserves a couple special days in a year.

I got to catch up with my high school friend group at a housewarming. I was really proud of my friend and how far she's come. Her place was exactly what I imagined it would be. It had a very artsy vibe and she had it fully furnished. Bedroom, dining, room, and living room. I was happy to get to celebrate that accomplishment with her and catch up with other friends.

This post is getting very long, so I'll end it on a great note. I randomly got an email from an old boss stating that there was a graduate student position open there. She thought of me and encouraged me to apply. It paid better than the job I have now, so I went ahead and applied. I interviewed the following week and will hopefully start next week. Praise God. I pray the good times keep coming.

Song of the day : Counting Every Blessing by Rend Collective

Quote of the day : “What i like about photographs is that they capture a moment that’s gone forever, impossible to reproduce.” 
― Karl Lagerfeld

"The Moment I Wake Up. Before I Put On My Make. Up. I Say a Little Prayer for Youuuuuu"

There was a great moment in popular culture that has been in my head all day. John David Washington is from the move the Blackkklansman. He is the son of  Denzel Washington, and this was his acting debut. The Blackkklansman is a Spike Lee movie that I had the pleasure of seeing. My brother never invites me to anything, but he took time out of his busy schedule to invite me to the film. It's possible that I was only invited, because he wanted me to pay. I don't mind though. Our tickets cost $22 total. I am going to look at this post in 5 years and be shocked at how cheap movie prices used to be. I remember when I used to pay $5 to see a matinee movie. I probably would have splurged for popcorn, but he told me it was too late in the day and it wouldn't be fresh.

The movie was not my favorite of all time. I appreciated the concept, but it was a little slow. I definitely fell asleep for a good 20 minutes in the middle. The story-line is an undercover African American cop investigating the KKK. He speaks to someone high up in their organization and convinces them that he is a white male. Another white cop pretends to be him in person, but Washington is the voice that he speaks to on the phone. This is based on a true story about a black male who officially became a member of the KKK. He has a membership card with his name and everything. The end is hilarious, because it becomes evident that he is a black male. Spike Lee is a realist, so the story did not have a massive happy ending. One male, caucasian cop was arrested for the comments they were able to catch him make. The investigation was discontinued and no one from the kkk was actually arrested. The movie ended with footage for the kkk march that occurred in North Carolina and led to the death of a young woman. It was really moving. I never watched footage of the car that ran people over, because I'm tired of sad news. I don't want to be sad anymore. I would recommend the movie even though I couldn't stay awake during it. Same thing happened when I watched the Black Panther. I just can't stay awake when there is no good romance.

But back to a great moment in popular culture. When John David was being interviewed, the interviewer asked him what it's like to be the son of Denzel Washington. He corrected the interviewer and said, "and Pauletta Washington. Who was earning more money than he was when they married, before they were married. She was working on Broadway, paid for the first date, paid the bill, paid the cab ride. Classically trained pianist, went to Julliard. She is a great artist in her own right and I learned a lot for her. My father taught me how to hunt. My mother taught me how to love." That whole statement is beautiful. It's beautiful, because he showed love and appreciation for both parents. He loves his mother so much, that he does not believe she should live in his father's shadow. He believes that her contributions to art are just as important. A lot of the time, the celebrity parents takes all the credit for the celebrity child. I'm glad he showed respect for his mother. A black woman that has remained in a marriage for 20+ years.

The other part that stuck out is the love story. I loved knowing that she was more successful than him when they met, but she still gave him a chance. That's beautiful and you do not hear many stories like that in black culture. A lot of women spend many hours on twitter talking about how they want a man that has everything. He needs to pay for their travels, buy purses and a huge engagement ring, and give the women an allowance. It's unbelievable how much people expect. My relationship started a lot like the one between Denzel and Pauletta. He was not in a good place and a lot of people would have walked away, because of how hard it is. But where there's a will, there's a way. The love and faith I had in him encouraged him and he hasn't been the same since. I am so proud of him. I wish more women would do this. It encouraged me to know that this couple had humble beginnings too.

Song of the Day : I Say A Little Prayer For You by Aretha Franklin (I have loved this song my whole life because of a scene from My Best Friends Wedding. My whole life, I thought this song is by Dionne Worwick who is now being accused on molesting Whitney as a child. They mention her prior to singing it, so I thought that had to be her song. It turns out it's the Queens originally. RIP Aretha)

Quote of the day : "Do not judge my story by the chapter you walked in on."

"But I Found A boy Who I Love More, Then I Ever Did You Before"

My heart is so full. Full of love and full of joy. I'm walking on a happy cloud of my blessings and the answer to my prayers. I am so in love. So so so in love. Yesterday was one of the best 4th of July celebrations I've ever had. Thinking through it now, it was the best 4th of July I ever had. It of course didn't start that way. My boo and I have a habit of arguing on holidays. I think its because we both have such high, different expectations. For this particular holiday, I told him that he could plan everything from start to almost finish. The only thing that I really wanted to do was go to a firework show at the end of the night. So the night of July 3rd we went shopping and bought food. We went to bed early and woke up at 9:00am. My significant other was so excited that he woke up at 7:00am. He never wakes up early. That's how you know he just couldn't contain himself. I got up and did my hair and make up as quickly as possible, because I knew he wouldn't be willing to wait forever. I even skipped my ritualistic selfie before leaving. Don't worry, I began taking them once I got in the car.

His brother called as we were about to leave and asked for a ride to the festivities. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, because I felt like we were being used for a ride. That didn't end up being the case. We picked him up and he happily rode in the backseat. We drove into Kansas City and went straight to my future Father - in - Law's home. He welcomed us. The boys loaded up the truck and got everything in the car to go over to his girlfriends house. We set up a table outside and I watched the guys play dominos. I watched the host season the food and tried to be as helpful as I could. What really touched my heart were the conversations that went on that day.

When my boo went inside for a few minutes, his dad said "Julio's Wife". I didn't answer and then he said "Julio's Wife!" again. That's when I realized he was speaking to me. So I looked up and he said "Are you going to marry my son?". I smiled and said "You'll have to ask your son about that and see how he feels". He said, "I'm asking you. He feels one way but I want to know how you feel". I said "Yes, I really like your son". His dad said "Do you like him or do you love him?" I said, "I love him. A lot.. "very shyly. He said, "Then you two are going to get married. I'll make sure of it". Later on in the day, his son came back and we were all sitting together. His father said that he was happy we found each other. He didn't feel like he was losing a son but gaining a daughter. I loved every second of it. It was very special to me. Him and I have talked about marriage many times, but it was nice to see that other people see the love that we share as well.

I also enjoyed the father son moments that occurred throughout the day. My true love's brother told his dad "I smelled my breath the other day and had a flashback to you kissing me when I was a kid. I wonder how my breath ended up smelling just like yours". His dad said it was genetic and he did used to kiss him. The brother said "I wouldn't let you kiss me now or something along those lines". So throughout the day, their dad was run up to him or chase him and try to kiss him. It was so cute, because the son is grown and a father himself now. He didn't want to take any part of it, but you could tell he was coming from a place of love. His father also complimented the son that has my heart about how he always comes for important events and how he can always count on him.

The food was okay. I was too nervous to ask for ketchup and they spread BBQ sauce on absolutely everything. There also weren't potato chips. But I left the BBQ full, hot, and bitten by lots of mosquitos. After his dad's house we went to visit his cousins and their parents. They were all very kind and hospitable. They were outside smoking, talking, and sharing stories. One of his uncles does theatrical performances and had pictures of his last one. He did a Tyler Perry type of performance and was really into it. He said the ladies loved it and you could see the joy in his face talking about it. Most of his cousins are in relationships and have at least one child. One of their kids walked up to me and gave me a hug. She asked what my name was and told me her name. It was so sweet. I really appreciated that. They also took an interest in the fact that I was African. They said they wanted me and my man to host an evening at my house and they could all wear dashiki's. He also wanted to know if I could really cook or just "eggs and ramen noodles cook". Antwane confirmed that I can indeed cook. That made me feel good too.

After leaving there we were taking his brother to visit a friend. We ended up seeing his Great Uncle and Aunt sitting on our porch. We walked up to them. He was in a wheel chair. My first instinct was, "maybe he was a war veteran". I don't know why that was my first thought, but it was. We shook hands they pulled out seats so that we could join them. He told us that he recently had a portion of his foot amputated. He had an accident where something fell on his foot and that was the end result. He told this story with so much positivity and grace. You would think he was talking about something that happened to someone else and not him. He didn't believe that he would be able to walk again because he lost his big toe. But I loved the two of them as a couple. They were comfortable with each other and enjoying one another. It didn't seem like they really needed anything or anyone else. That's how I hope my future husband and I are someday.

We ended the night by going to the KC Riverfest. Just like for Thanksgiving, we made it there in perfect time. We arrived at the bridge about 2 minutes before the firework show began. We stayed for the entire duration of the show and then drove home. When we got back and dropped his brother off, we really ended the night in a romantic way. It was everything I could ever want it to be and more. I love him so much and after all this time, I felt even more loved than before. Couldn't have asked for a better day or a better man.

Song of the day: I Found a Boy by Adele

Quote of the day :"There is only one in this house. To love and be loved"

Love Yourself Girl, or Nobody Will.

Hello loves,

It's been a minute. This post is coming to you from my desk at work. The last 3 months have been filled with work work work work work. I technically have three jobs, but have only been working two of them this summer. I worked 14 hour days for the first time in my life. This last weekend, I was finally able to get a break and relax. It turned into a girls weekend, because everyone was in town for the Drake Concert. One noticeable change with my friend group over the last few years has been weight gain. Some of my closest friends have maintained the same weight. They were the ones that always watched their figure and had tiny bodies. The ones that take six bites and are full. That makes me so envious. After six bites my stomach is grumbling and yelling "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?". I kill my plates. On my first date with bae, I had tacos. Ended up with food all over my face. He had to give me a napkin to clean up. Same thing happened this weekend when I was eating my chipotle. I ended up with lipstick all over my face. Even my forehead. In the past I may have been embarrassed about something like that, but this is me. It makes me who I am.

Any ways, all my friends are upset about being fat. A lot of them have been talking about losing weight for the last 3 years now. They either stayed the same or gained weight, so its hard for me to take their discussion about weight loss seriously. In my mind, they are who they are. This is their big girl body and they have to embrace it and accept it. Since purchasing clothes in the correct size and no longer trying to squeeze into anything, my life has improved dramatically. I feel better and look better. The clothes that I buy accentuate what I have going for me instead of point out my flaws. Its amazing. I feel like a whole new woman. Wearing clothes in your correct size makes all the difference. Same goes for bras. I'm still working on that because a lot of my bras are not as flattering as I would like them to be.

Photos ended up being a huge topic of conversation this weekend. My cousin has decided that she no longer wants to take photos of any kind. I asked if she would be willing to take family photos just for memory and she still said no. There is no convincing her to take them. I think its because she would like to look a certain way to people who see the photos. The reality is, you look the way you look. Hiding behind the camera does not change the fact that people see you looking that way each and every day. So by avoiding pictures and really looking at yourself, the only person you are fooling is you. Everyone else knows that you look different.

My other photo story involves an attack. We took some photos in the parking garage prior to the concert. There were many photos at a lot of different angles. We looked at the photos and decided on one that we all liked. I accidentally downloaded the wrong one. I made the post sneakily while at work, because I did not want to miss the 7pm Instagram peak time. I was really excited about my post, because it's the first one I've posted in awhile. I was wearing a black and gold sparkly dress that I have had since last December. It was good to finally get the chance to wear it and show it off. I started getting likes instantly which isn't all that common for me. Its not uncommon either. After awhile, my friend texted and said she was crying because I used the wrong picture and she did not like how she appeared in the photo that I posted. She eventually confessed that the real reason is because someone she likes follows me. But this guy had two babies on her, so as far as I'm concerned he's irrelevant. It just really upset me. I realize social media is not that serious, but just once I wish I could post a good photo with friends like a normal person. It irritated me. I made the mistake of "You will learn to love yourself" and she took it as being judgmental. This particular friend is always criticizing me for things. She asked if she would be my maid of honor if I got married. I said yes, but it's a no for me dog. I need a maid of honor who will help me wedding plan, let me be a bridzilla, and stick with me through the planning every step of the way.

Song of the Day : Crooked Smile by J. Cole

Quote of the day: Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do.

Down To Ride Till The Very End, It's Me and My Boyfriend

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of doing dinner and a movie with one of my best friends. I wanted to really enjoy Memorial Day Weekend, because this summer will be a boring one for me. I am working 40 hours a week. Normally this would mean more fun activities, but I am currently stuck paying rent unexpectedly. It's $385 per month + electricity. When you make less than $10 an hour, that's basically your whole pay check. The day was okay.

Honestly, not as fun as the outings we usually have. I think it's because I get kind of uncomfortable in her home. Her mom has a bad attitude, and I don't think she likes me very much. We've had our ups and downs and her mom knows about them, so that may be why she isn't the biggest fan of me. But she always ends up yelling or making everything weird. She's super kind to our third musketeer, so I know that it's just something against me. I don't experience that at my house, because they all have grown to like this particular friend. My parents are very open and when they decide to make you family, you're family. I didn't experience this with a lot of my other friends, because they're awkward in general. I don't know if they have accepted this about themselves, but I have. I think its made obvious by their interaction with other friends as well.

We went and saw Book Club which is exactly what I wanted it to be. It was humorous, but basically a classic love story with a happy ending for absolutely everyone. When we were at dinner, one line from the conversation stuck out. We were talking about my relationship in little detail, because that's just how I am. She made a comment that stuck with me. She said, "you've been together through so much. Most couples don't go through that much in 5 years and you two went through it in one". That thought was on my mind all day, then I watched Red Table Talk with Gabrielle Union and Jada Pinkett Smith. Gabrielle was talking about her relationship with Dwayne Wade and she said, "The idea that a good woman or good future wife should have propensity to handle enormous amounts of pain and that's what makes you a good wife". She that that she had to redefine that notion. She said that people are not interested in pain or hurting their significant other,

I've been through a lot with my man. I don't regret it. All of it happened to humble me, bring me closer to God, show me what he was going through by going through it myself, teach me not to trust people, remind me that money gets you out of even the worst situations. The list goes on and on. I've learned and grown a lot from it. I've also cried a lot. So many tears. I wasn't ready for everything that came with a relationship. Maybe that's why God made me wait so long before sending the right person to me. I do believe that everything that we went through made us closer. Helped us grow. I appreciate everything we went through.

It's weird though, because we never got to have a honeymoon stage and just be a normal couple. I wonder how that affected us. It has made out intimacy extremely passionate from the start. That connection was always strong because we needed each other. We really do feel like one person a lot of the time, because his hurt was my hurt and my hurt was his hurt. It made our relationship stronger.

But where do we go from here? Is it okay that we feel a lot of new relationship things don't apply to us? Is it okay that we basically feel married? I don't know. But that's something I will be pondering today. It's nice to share it with you.

Song of the Day : Bonnie and Clyde by Beyonce and Jay Z

Quote of the Day : "All relationships go through hell. Real relationships get through it"

"Why not, take a crazy chance? Why not, do a crazy dance?"

Guess what's been on my mind?

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. I ended my last post saying that I would pick up my birth control pills from Walgreen, but I didn't. Because why would I get pills that keep me from my baby? To clarify, I don't just want a baby. I want a child. One that I'll love more and more each and every day. I want to be a mother. I've always wanted to be a mother. I have also always wanted to be a wife. I always pictured myself being a wife first and then a mother. But my circumstances are preventing me from doing that.

There is no way my boyfriend and I will be getting married in the next couple years. It's not because we don't love each other. It's also not because we're not ready for marriage. It already feels like we are in a marriage. We live together. We communicate with one another. We share finances even though a much heavier responsibility falls on him. We talk about career goals. We tackle all our problems together and come up with a plan to solve them together. Keep in mind I have a mini breakdown quite often. Bae has had to come up with lots of plans. Some of which are just "be still, have faith, and watch things work in your favor. The sky is not falling". He normally doesn't say the sky is not falling but that's what he means. He helps me calm down and happens to be right about everything. It's never ever as bad as I think it's going to be. We have fun with one another. A simple trip to Walmart can feel like a date, because we have so much fun with one another. He'll hide in the aisles and try to scare me or surprise me. He always sneaks cookies into the cart, even when we're dieting because cookies are important.

Update on School: I wasn't kicked out! I made the GPA that I need to stay in the program. Life is not ending. I had already started to think of my next steps and accepted the fact that I wasn't going back. This is because I was dramatic. The school had never said I would be dismissed. I just thought I would be. I tried to imagine life with a lot less money. It was stressful. I went to some job interviews and got hired right away at Home Goods. That will be my next summer adventure. I also worked my Crowd Systems job a lot more, because every penny counts. What I lost was comfort. My faith in a future I can see. But I didn't lose myself. For once, I felt like I could do something else and be happy. A career was never the only thing I wanted out of life. Love and family is what I've always wanted. It's been nice having love in my life.

I waited a long time for it. I'm happy that the hard work I put in is not going to waste. I'm happy that I get to work towards a career that will result in a job at the end of the journey. I'm happy that i'll be able to afford to pay off my student loans when the journey is over. I know that I will make a good community pharmacist. I have the knowledge, and I have the skills. I just have to go back to striving to be an A student and putting school first and foremost.

Which brings me back to my imaginary baby. The one I'm dying to make and will have a lot of fun making. The one I yearn for and think about almost all the time. Can I finish school if I chose to make a baby with the love of my life? I know it would interfere with study time and I would likely have to stop working to make time for the baby and studying. My love would have to continue to work both jobs to keep us afloat. That would leave very little time for him and the baby to spend with one another. I would be on my own. While that sounds fine to me most days, I've never taken care of a baby full time. On my own. It doesn't sound like the ideal situation.

But if I were to wait for the ideal situation, I couldn't give birth to a child until 2021. At 20121 I will be 27 years old. If I'm doing everything the way I'm supposed to, I wouldn't be able to have a child that year either. I'll need to find a job and work there for at least a year to make sure I'm stable and have insurance, savings, and everything the baby and I will need. So now I'm 28. If I waited that long, might as well get married. Let's say that the wedding happens from my savings and I'm still 28. That gives me about 7 years to make babies. A decent amount of time. But such a long wait. I'm going to be honest. I see a baby coming my way in the near future. I know that regardless I won't regret this decision. I can't regret something I want so badly despite thinking of how it'll make things harder for me. I just need this in my life. And who knows what'll happen? Maybe it'll take some time and wont happen right away. Then it'll be good that I start trying now.

Song of the day : Why Not by Hillary Duff

Quote of the Day : "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears" - Nelson Mandela