"I love me..I love me enough for the both of us. That's why you trust me. I know you've been through more than most of us. So what are you so afraid of...?"

Jhene Aiko's opening line in From Time was brilliant. That was my favorite song off of Drake's Nothing Was The Same Album. There was so much truth to it. Jhene Aiko is a confident, beautiful young lady. She gets a lot of negative comments from people about being a whore because she had a child at a young age and hangs out with Drake a lot. We all know about the girls Drake "funds". Deep down inside we all want to be them. Well, maybe that's just me. When I've had a long day of studying the horror that is Physiology, I listen to the language and think about how great it would be to be the girl that just wants to smoke and fuck. I don't do either of things, and the grass is always greener on the other side. In my head, it would all be so simple if I was that girl. It's thoughts like these that keep you from being the person you were meant to be.

I'm not Jhene Aiko. I fully accept that. I'm Me. I'm short, stubborn, outspoken, opinionated, focused, and semi-organized. I'm also kind, excitable, full of the joy of the lord, positive, empathetic, and musical. I play piano for the cutest youth choir in the country and sing in my church choir. Christian youth groups scare me, because everyone's like the Duggars and wants to marry each other after three weeks of holding hands. Concerts make my heart happy. I love the lights, huge crowds of people all singing the lyrics that we've laughed and cried to, and the excitement that comes with being in the presence of someone loved by so many. I haven't cried in a public place since the first grade, and I just completed my sophomore year of college. None of these are things you can tell just looking at me. After many conversations and reaching a certain level of comfort, we can get to that point.

I hate the wait. I wish I had a sign taped to my back that said all these things, so people knew who I was right away. No misinterpretations or questions. Just openness. It is nearly impossible to get to know people these days. At least back when facebook was hot, you could see people's favorite things after first liking them. Their statuses gave a little insight to their daily lives and there weren't filters. These days everyone only posts things that make it look like their living the glamorous life. No one is ugly. I repeat no one is ugly, because there is a filter for absolutely every pimple, blemish, or bad hair day you will ever have. Everyone's fake perfect and no one is willing to let their guard down long enough for you to see those imperfections. Those imperfections truly are what makes a person beautiful.

No one believes that, but its so true. I recently got to know a guy that I never really found intriguing or attractive. He uses filters just like everyone else and he was cute, but nothing special. Before we had a conversation. Hearing him talk about the little things and big things gave me insight to who he is. Without the filters and without the act. He's been non my mind ever since. Those things I found just okay or irrelevant before make him so special now, because I see how they came to be. If I hadn't given up on love, I'd jump on that. But that's a story for a different day. I guess what I'm trying to say is always find a way to let who you are shine through. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. It's the people who are real and true that you want in your life anyways, and they will love you for those imperfections you hide under the Valencia filter (I'm guilty of that one too).

Song of the day: Real & True - Miley Cyrus and Future

Quote of the day : "Imperfection is Beauty. Maddness is Genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring" - Ms. Marilyn Monroe

"Who is that girl I see? Staring straight, back at me. When will my reflection show, who I am inside..."

Mulan was sort of a game changer for me. The year was 1998, and I was finally old enough to see movies in theaters. This was more convenient for my parents than it was for me. I got dragged to everything from How Stella Got Her Groove Back to Runnaway Bride and have fond memories of those 90s classics. My parents thought I couldn't understand...I could. But it made me a more mature, well rounded person. Once in awhile, I got to see movies I was interested. Mulan was one of them. I had so much admiration for Mulan. She wasn't a princess, but a warrior. She left her family, friends, and everything she knows to be something great. No one believed she could, but she was confident in the strength within. She got down and dirty with the boys and found her prince in the end. What a superwoman. Lets be honest, I didn't have those thoughts at four years old. I see these things now, but at the time I thought the cricket was funny and enjoyed the part where the chubby soldiar was forced to attempt to climb the pole. I was young, but  I see all these things now. Also in the spirit on honesty, this blog post wasn't really supposed to be about the greatness of Mulan.

More the song Reflection which is a beautiful ballad by Christina Aguleria. Reflection along with Beautiful are two songs about self-empowerment that came out before it was cool to lift each other up. It was before the anti-bully movement and Demi Lovato's Stay Strong tattoo. They were songs meant to empower woman and encourage them to accept what's within instead of whats outside. I struggle with that. Everything about my personality and the way I behave is designed to hide what's within. There's nothing bad within. I'm extremely proud of the person I am. Like everyone else, I'm a work in progress. I see God moving mountains in my life each and every day, but his work isn't finished yet. It's easy for me to be content with what's outside. I can cough up $300 for a good weave, get myself some $7 falsies, the perfect manicure from the Asains on 6th street or $15-$30, and an outfit from Forever 21 for less than $40 (jewelry included). If I have an issue with my weight, I can go to the gym and eat less cake. It wouldn't be easy, but it's possible. Top it off with a little makeup and I'm a more beautiful version of myself. Am I Kim Kardashian? No, but its enough to get through the day ridicule free. Am I living a life I can't afford? Yes. Should I have to do all those things to feel good about my physical appearance? No, but once again this isn't what this post is about.

An insult about personality hurts much more than an insult to looks ever could. Your personality is who you are. It's what makes me different from every 5'2", first generation African American teenager in the world. I can't change who I am and hearing that that's not good enough for someone just hurts. Shortly after seeing Mulan in theaters, I went through one of the biggest life changes of my childhood. We moved from D.C. to the suberbs. I was no longer in classes filled with students who had immigrant parents like my own. Everyone spoke English, not Spanish. You couldn't order Chinese takeout from the lady who cooked the food in her home, and not everyone knew about Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation. It was a culture shock. That's when I first remember being quiet. I watched a home video the other day. I was a five year old who spoke English with an African accent and couldn't stop talking, but moving to Kansas silenced me. I think it was so different I didn't know how to react, so that's the approach I took. I didn't react. I stayed quiet for twelve years after that.  Sure, I opened up to close friends and the few people that I interacted with. My cute little African accent went away, but my shyess never did.

My memory is pretty impeccable. I remember the first friend I made when I moved here. She is still once of my closest friends. I love her to death, but I didn't know what a lot of words meant. English was my first language, but I learned it from people who spoke it as a second language. I would ask her what she was talking about and she would tell me to "look it up!" with that elementary attitude. All of this played a part in silencing me. Diminishing my sparkle. It took a long time for me to get it back.

I knew that my reflection wasn't accurate. I've always known i'm not a shy, quiet girl. At home I talk more than everybody else. I'm wild and crazy. I'm passionate about absolutely everything and so strong in my opinions. After living like this for days upon days, I'm finally finding my way out of my shell. A journey I plan to share with you all in the next blog post.

Song of the day: Reflection by Christina Aguleria

Quote of the Day: "What lies before us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson