You can bandage the damage; You never really can fix a heart

I miss this. There was a time when I would get on here and right every thought that I have every day. It helped me understand. Lately, I've been lost and confused. Somewhere along my freshman year I lost my way. Not in the typical way. Drinking and smoking isn't and never will be my thing. And everyone doing all that other stuff, I suggest you watch temptation and make it straight. I've been having fun. I go out a lot and there's lots of dancing and such involved. The clubbing scene is fun and a little degrading. I somehow end up by myself a lot which isn't that great. In the last two weeks, I fell for someone. Not because I liked them, but because I thought they liked me. Yes, he was a decent person and pretty cute. But he was a ladies man. He made me feel special, but he made one of my closest friends feel the that way too. As happy as I was that we both had a wonderful time, I badly needed to feel special in that moment. The fact that we both did and it was weirdly by the same guy killed my shine and a little bit of my pride. I don't blame either of them, but I blame myself.

Then with the help of my mother embarassed myself in front of the most popular guy at the University of Kansas, make that state of Kansas. That's something I would rather not relive. Let's just hope he's too cool to remember little people like me.

People always made fun of Tierra from the Bachelor for talking about her sparkle. I kind of understood where she came from with that whole concept. Everyone is born with a "sparkle" or trait that makes them special. It's the light in you. People are always trying to tear that light down. I heard a quote on the radio about how no stranger is an enemy. The enemies in your life are the people right there in your mist that know you and have a reason to want to put out your shine. One of those closest to me has turned into the person brining me down. They don't know it, but them killing everything that I'm about played a role in me losing myself. I started worrying about the wrong things and the right things slipped away. Before you know it, I disappeared and last night I found my way again.

I'm calling a fresh start. I will no longer ask anyone for their opinion about what I'm doing. I'm going to do what I want to do and what makes me happy. If that means wearing an "ugly" shirt, or smiling too much then that's what I'm doing. If that means embarrassing myself in front of the star of the ku basketball team, so be it. If that means being called judgmental for doing what I know in my heart is right, then I'll take it. It's silly to be a grown women allowing herself to be let down by the mean things jealous people say. So this is my marking of a new start. All of you are free to call me out if I go back to my old ways. But as i'm writing this right now, my heart still hurts. Hence the title of this post.

Song of the day : Come and Get it by Selena Gomez (I love me a good Indian beat. The song has me wanting to do a little Jai Ho song around my living room. I'll always be team Justin though. She broke the poor boys heart).

Quote of the day: “The greatest minds are like film, they take the negatives and develop themselves in darkness...”